Posted:
For bitiyas who don't know what Chitrahaar is/was - go ask your Mommies. We'll wait. 😃
And we come to the end of Week 5. I'll start by expressing my hardik gratitude that the science-ka-balaatkaar that happened last week...was largely abandoned after the climactic kabootar-poop shower. This week wasn't quite the W*F'ery ki bauchaar as last week, but it still offered up plenty of ammunition for the snarkhunter in me. ⭐️ Every episode of this week reminded me of some old song that was bilkul apropos for that day's satyanash. So without further ado - let's dive in.
1. Kaboo...er...bitwa - Ja Ja Ja
Evidently - last week's traumatic kabootar attack is still circling dimaag like the Alfred Hitchcock classic pikchar "Birds".
Bitiya has been trying to remove bitwa ke naam ka dupatta from her head since Friday. Bitiya - you know what would help? If while trying to pull off dupatta with right hand, you remove the left hand which is not-so-discreetly anchoring it in place. As audiences we swallow a lot - but hum itney bhi paglet nahin hai. Bitiya finally manages to complete the super-complicated feat of sliding a silky piece of cloth off her equally silky tresses, only to stand like a scarecrow while bitwa throws it back on (for the 457th time) about 30 seconds later.
We get the symbolism - kasam se. Plus - that dupatta needs laundering.
Bitiya has had it up to here with bitwa and is determined to drive him out of the house. So she marches up to Amma and lays out the entire satyanash without mincing words - how bitwa keeps pulling and pushing her like she was that stick-thingy that village women use to churn butter, how he shows up in her bedroom late at night and scoops her up like a laundry basket, how he made her launch chai cross-country, and nearly wrecked her roka with pigeon-poop drone attacks...vagaira vagaira. Amma is outraged at this repeated invasion of her daughter's privacy, and throws bitwa out of the house.
Kya boli - I been sniffing pichle haftey ka bird poop? 😲
😕😕
Bitiya and her behenas decide to make a fake video implicating bitwa of abscondery and dhoka-ery (jee haan - I AM TOO allowed to make up my own words ) against a mysterious, cloaked parayi aurat. Incredibly - no one recognizes the voice of their own beloved bitiya in the video, so bitwa is politely asked to leave and stay away...at least until bitiya is Fedexed off to PeePee's address with the return-to-sender option disabled.
Will he?
2. On second thought...Na Ja, Kahin Ab Na Ja
Abey - of course he won't. Bitwa calls bitiya's bluff by turning fake video bitiya into asli duniya hired bitiya, who then proceeds to cop mea culpa in phront of Amma. Amma is mortified - was I really going to throw this paragon of virtue, this personification of Adonis, this stubbled idol of perfection, this many-striped wonder...out of my house, which is really his house? 😲
Nebher. Bitwa is back before he ever left - and bitiya is left fuming with impotent rage. 😡 To add insult to injury - bitwa demands that bitiya scamper into his room dressed as a squirrel. Or at least, that's what it sounded like at first - turns out bitwa just wanted to try out this new expression that he learned, which references squirrels and apparently translates to cute. Very...cute. 😳
A too-short sequence with bitwa reminiscing about his bachpan-ka-sepia-toned phaimily follows...reminded me of why I started watching this sabun in the first place. ⭐️ Cue "waiting for Godot" wala moment - bitwa waits for a script that would allow him to finally stretch those atrophying thespian skills, and we wait for a script that would allow us to feel that our time here is actually justified. (Our time here watching the sabun, ladkis - not here on Earth. Friday ko itna existential questions nahi poochte. Capisce? 😡)
3. Main tera Pygmalion, tu meri Galatea
Bitwa has conphoosed bitiya with a hunk of modeling clay. Matlab she is slammed up against the wall like a wet mop, bent backward over his arm, had her arms and legs stretched out as though she was auditioning for the Reed Richards role on Fantastic Four - and other assorted contortions that a shaadi ka photographer would apparently go nutso for.
Bitiya swoo-oons due to cardiac dhak-dhak like a dehydrated debutante at her first ball - while Imma thinking these would make great evidentiary material in the subsequent divorce trial 😉 (matlab once the pix are released).
Waisey - call me old-fashioned, but whatever happened to the "I'm just happy to be with you" waley natural-yet-dignified, relaxed photoshoots...too meh?
Anyway - Bitiya is determined that ab bitwa ka inbhestigayshun kare ka padi. Bhy? Because bitwa is acting BHERRY BHERRY SUSPICIOUS. Good grief, ladki - took you until now to detect the kuch-toh-gobar-hai odor that anyone else would have smelled 5 weeks ago?
4. Didi Tera Devar...is a Pain in the Ass
But first - middle Mausi has demanded more airtime. So she gets a mysterious visitor, while vertically challenged helper bitiya (I forgetiya her name) spies on her. If you haven't watched and have no idea what I'm blathering on about - ignorance is bliss.
Bitiya has reached bitwa's guesthouse with PeePee Baba in tow. While the former is in full-on James Bond mode - the latter is doing his bit for gender-equality by playing Bond-girl in breathless anticipation of imminent horizontal polka. Both of them strike out, and saat-samundar-paar - Daniel Craig heaves a sigh of relief that his professional izzat has not been compromised.
In Thursday ka highlight - junior bitiya and junior bitwa (the siblings) have met again. The insults and fisticuffs fly - damaging camera equipment and nearly separating PeePee Baba's gardan from his torso in the process. Amma is furious and proceeds to deliver an ABSOLUTELY awesome warning that I'm stealing for future use - her wrath is banked...but not forgotten. ⭐️⭐️⭐️ Now THIS is high-wattage screen presence - bitiya's behena ko maaro goli, I was ready to beg prankster bhai se maafi when confronted with that barely suppressed rage.
5. Bourne - Mera Naam Hai Bourne
Bitiya is feeling victorious after her fishing expedition into bitwa's past, and can't wait to crow about it. Bitwa is still absorbing PeePee Baba's insinuations, and assumes the horizontal polka was successfully completed. Fortunately for him - all she has found is that bitwa is door ka rishteydaar of Jason Bourne, and has a habit of collecting passports.
Gul - Dave Matthews from the Republic of Croatia...really? 🤔 Why didn't you just give him a passport for Enrique Iglesias while you're at it? Waisey - on that US passport, bitwa's first name was REALLIONAIRE, the date of Issue was BIRTHRIGHT, and date of expiration was marked IMPOSSIBLE. Thankfully - the gender was stamped correctly...I was half expecting to see "Confidential" in that category.
Jee haan - I paused and rewound. I'm...ajeeb that way. 😈
In other news - bitwa has used UV light to detect middle mausi's mysterious beau. Turns out it is junior mausi's husband - living out his Gary Cooper fantasies in a cowboy hat, dark glasses and spur wala boots. Dimaag immediately springs to NSFW jokes, but I nobly resist.
In the precap - bitwa is channeling Tarzan and leaping tall buildings, or at least - tall jhoolas. Another rasam is checked off the list, but what will phaimily say?
I won't care, coz...
...With this installment - I'll bid alvida to Tritiya. (Agley haftey WU wonly as I ramp down) If the sabun picks up, I'll be back with Take 5 (can't keep a genuine satyanasher down 😃) at some later date. But for now - 'tis time to stop watching a show that is still phoning it in - and let those who are actually enjoying the show, enjoy it in peace. Which brings me to aaj ka wonly postscript.
PS: The last Take 5 thread got a more than a little uncomfortable for long-time satyanashers - so I figured I should include this vishesh tippani in the title post. The Take 5 bunker has seen a lot of new bitiyas pop in recently, and fresh meat, maafi 😈 ...fresh opinions are fun and welcome. However - one rule has grown sacrosanct over time and across multiple forums, and I want to reiterate it here as well.
We do not phangurl on this thread - but we DO NOT belittle others who are fans.
I usually can't tell (and don't care) if someone is a bitwa fan or bitiya fan or goatwa fan or kabootar fan. All I know is that inter-fan wars have no place here - and this thread respects everyone's right to watch what they want without sneering at their choices. So for everyone's maansik santulan - PLEASE focus your snark and posts on the sabun itself, without commenting on the bitiyas watching the sabun. Nahin toh I'm going to be in the unhappy position of reporting my own thread. 😡
Chaltey hain, bitiyas. I'd end with my usual salutation of Rabba Ve, but I'm afraid someone will throw breakables at me if they hear that deadbeat phrase one more time. 😈
So...miltey hain shaam ko for some kibbitzing - the Chardonnay is already chilling and the weekend...SHE BE HERE! 😃😃
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