Addressing the elephant in the room... Note on Pg 21 (24 April)

This is a bit long, so, kindly bear with me.😆

I remember entering IF 8 or so years as a teenager, crazy about this one show, about this ML who was rough and tough, holding the hands of the heroine firmly. From my screen, it looked like a passionate moment - because ITV had, until that point, subtly taught me; that holding the hands of the heroine in a tight grip was the first step of romance; that feeling the need to “control” the FL and the irrational jealousy, felt by the male lead, was a symbol of his passion; that no matter what crap the other end is giving you - it’s fine, because hey, they are the endgame and no matter what happens in between, the FL is bound to love the ML.

However, the IF members of that show opened mine, and many other teenager’s eyes, that what we were seeing, was not romance. I was amongst the youngest members - and I remember the forum flooding with posts, elder members PM-ing us to tell us that this is not okay in real life. I guess this is what this post is about today. I haven't watched an ITV show, in its entirety, for years before GHKKPM and so I’m kind of appalled at the type of regressive content that this show is promoting in the name of tradition and romance. It’s 2021, for heaven’s sake.

I knew it was toxic - all the screaming in the living room was indication enough, but I guess I stuck with the show, because of the charm that SaiRat had and because of the potential the plot had. As a prime time show, with rocketing TRP, this show could have easily been one of those that sets itself apart from the crowd - it has a rebelling FL who believes in standing up for what is right, it has a ML who is an IPS officer responsible for Nari suraksha -a ML quite unlike other MLs that I’ve come across in ITV - however, the writers failed to do justice with the storyline, the characters and the actors. I know it’s a remake, but there is nothing that stops you from re-working what you have and make this the best version.

The show is bent on promoting domestic abuse as normal. I will not focus much on the family remembers for there have been a lot of discussions on that already. I will talk about Sai and Virat today.

Emotional Abuse

While physical abuse is visible to eyes, emotional ones are subtler and yet as harmful and traumatising as any other form of abuse is. Virat's behaviour towards his 18 year old wife is shocking, to say the least. While some may justify some of his actions as care and concern- it does not change the fact that he is displaying signs of an abusive partner. Some of it are below,

It’s never my fault - Calling Sai jhooti when she questions him about his love, blaming Sai for making him manhandle her ( “Mil gayi Khushi, mere paarivar ke samne mera sarr sharam se jhukakar”). Closely linked to this is gaslighting - during the trip sequence he says something like take a sword or something and kill me to both Pakhi and Sai, somehow shifting the blame of the failed trip on them when he was the one at fault. There is little attempt to understand her, but, he expects her to understand him to the core.

Putting her down - calling her badtameez, ehsan faramosh, publicly humiliating her and letting his family get away with calling her jungli, badtameez, besharam, nalayak, ghamandi and so on. Reminding her that her “Abba ne majboor kiya tha” (usney majboor nahi kiya tha Virat - Usney Vaada liya tha. Aur Vaade mein shaadi nahi, zimmedari uthana tha. And vaada tum todh bhi sakte they) This constant reminder that the marriage happened because of her Abba, is an attempt to put her down and is part and parcel of his controlling tactic - he is so swift in blaming her for marrying him and it comes from his savior complex, which should result in something like Sai should be grateful that he married her and saved her. This is what Aai reminds Sai every other day - that kismat walon ko hi Virat jaisa husband milta hain. This kind of instills the belief in you that you are not worthy of your partner and so, should be grateful that he is still with you. In the long run, it tampers your self-respect.

Not hearing Sai out and trying to control her are other problematic behaviors. The thing with emotional abusers is - they are not entirely bad, they are good at times, very very good and this makes you wonder whether something is wrong with you that you are misjudging their care.

Other problematic signs are - expecting you to put everything aside and meet their needs (Alta sequence, recent lunch sequence).

Physical Abuse

Think that is pretty clear in this week’s episode. Additionally, in the Alta sequence as well, he was okay with the use of force so that Sai could perform the chotti si ritual.

I will include Economic/Financial Abuse here as well - so withholding/ threatening to withhold physical needs - by denying food and money is part of domestic abuse as well. He did not say it once, for me to at the very least give him the benefit of the doubt - he said it a lot of times.

Restraining her against her will, caging her, locking her, “main tumhe kamre mein band karunga” - basically holding Sai hostage is another display of his controlling attitude.

Moreover, he is okay with manhandling her, because that is a way to show her how to be full of “tameez”. It is not okay guys.

Some of the behaviors of the family members that I will also call out - is Ninad saying he would slap Ashwini, Ninad making comments on Ashwini’s physical appearance, using racist slurs, locking a mentally ill adult in the room, amongst others.

The problem is not the fact that this is being shown in the show, because there are family like that, there are MCPs like Ninad, there are high ranking officials, responsible for Nari suraksha and who turn monstrous behind closed doors. The problem is with the fact that this is shown as normal, that it will be all forgotten with a day or two worth of apologies. The problem is with the fact that whatever there is between SaiRat, is being promoted as romance - we are supposed to ‘understand’ Virat because all his anger comes from the fact that he wanted to have a nice lunch with his wife but could not. We are supposed to be okay with Virat manhandling Sai because he was having tears in his eyes while he held her hands firmly. We are supposed to be okay with Virat ill-treating Sai because we will have one episode full of Virat explaining his situation and wooing her. We are supposed to be okay with his sorry, when he doesn't mean mean it ( when he last said sorry to his mom). We are supposed to be okay, because SaiRat are the endgame and so, we only need to ship them together.

Had this show been about Sai finding her way out of this toxic marriage it would have sent a better message, but, because SaiRat is the endgame, it downplays the issues that have been portrayed to a great extent. I’ve said it before, the voice challenging societal issues should be as powerful as those promoting them are loud. (Which is why Shivani's, Aai's, Mohit's feeble stance does not work). Sai's voice, loud and clear, is powerful, but her stance in the future- forgiving him, returning to him when he is hurt, accepting all the torture that she will be met with, and even accepting his love and loving him are part of the problem. The very fact that she will be okay with it at the end because she loves him makes her own voice feeble, and her stance powerless.

And this is exactly where this show fails - because it shows you that the woman should be patient and change the man’s toxicity with love, it normalises abusive romance, it shows you no matter how strong a woman is, she will carve her self-respect because of love. It shows you that when you are going through the toxicity, you just have to wait for your partner to come around!

I know there is a separation ahead, I know also that Virat will apologise for a lot of things that he will do, I also know the fact that Virat is partly like that because he grew in that environment, I also know the fact that this is only a show, meant to entertain. However, an apology does not mean that whatever he has done should be forgotten. He might have grown up in a toxic environment, but he has also been trained to become an IPS, and so he must be able to recognise problematic behaviors. I`m not saying tackle them, but at least recognising them - merely giving a two sec shocked reaction every time someone abuses your wife is not enough for such a high ranking official.

Virat’s character development process seems to be in the reverse - I mean if you reverse watch from the latest episodes to the beginning - it may make more sense. Just like I would not want anyone to have a partner like Pakhi, I would also not want anyone to have a partner like Virat.

I know it is just a show - however, media's influence on us is very much real and has been well-documented, but I won’t go into that. Even a two mins video, a video game you play for entertainment, affects you in numerous ways, and so we can only guess the power and potential that a daily show may have. There are people sitting at home, going through this kind of toxicity and the fact that such a popular show is legitimising this kind of content in the name of romance creates a sort of false consciousness - thereby misleading them. I never ever thought I'd say this, but Sai forgiving Virat and SaiRat finding love and ending together, downplays the trauma that emotionally abused people feel.

To end, I just wanna thank each and everyone of you with whom I engaged here. I absolutely loved my time here, I loved discussing with you all after every epi,I loved hearing your contradictory opinions, I loved and will miss all the fun here. May we meet somewhere else, in another forum, in the future.

Until then, Adios Amigos!🤗

Disclaimer - This post is my personal opinion and is by no means meant to discourage you from watching the show. I just wanted to point out that whatever the show is promoting as romance is NOT OKAY. I just wanted to highlight that promoting abuse as romance is NOT OKAY.

I completely agree with you !I do not understand this show, the thinking and actions of the changers are forms of abuse,yet it’s passed off as normal.For instance, how is it okay that your husband aunt is controlling everything in the house and whatever she says and does is okay?

I agree with everything you said. My experience on indiaforums is a lot like yours. It's been 11 years for me. I was a teenager as well when I entered indiaforums much like you- crazy about a starone show. Romance in most shows have been about an 'ALPHA MALE' who admittedly even I liked at one point of time.

I found scenes of hand holding, wall pushing, verbal abuse in the name of love passionate. There were more problematic scenes which I never liked like kidnapping, marrying forcibly, slapping, raping and plain fraudulent behaviour like pretending to love someone for revenge. I am ashamed to admit it but that's just the kind of control platforms like this have on you. It's no use saying that it's our fault for learning from TV. TV did influence me. I'd like to say I've changed some of my views for the better but that's what we al would like to think.

Later on I came to see the problem in that kind of romance. I began to appreciate love that is respectful(and boring😄). I began to see that just to make a love story passionate it doesn't have to be abusive.

So yes, what Virat did is problematic on too many levels. No matter what his excuse, he can't be forgiven. An abuser is not always like an extreme character who will have evil monologues with himself. There are characters like Virat with a false sense of ego and entitlement.

Another thing I dislike is why educated and well raised women are pitted against each other over a man. It sends out a bad message to society. I see little reason why a woman of Pakhi's stature would drown her self respect for a man who rejected her. But then that's just how they get their daily dose of drama.

I don't know any good options of shows to watch on TV now. I will continue to watch this show every now and then until I get bored of it.

Loved your post ❤️ It is disgusting that ITV is showing such garbage in 2021 and they are getting high TRP which is even more shocking. Then can we even blame producers when our viewers from 2021 are enjoying it instead of boycotting it?

You said everything that was going in my mind after watching the episode. Dil khatta ho gaya after watching Virat falling so low. I won't be able to watch this show anymore either.

Even when she was going to the DIG's office and not wanting to disclose where she was going

He said I won't be able to carry on with the zimmedari with this attitude of yours

As long as she goes along with his needs his wants his expectations he's fine else zimmedari nahi utha paoonga

During Alta seq he even gave Karishma the permission Haath pakadkar le aao

Since this is a remake we have Sai

If it was a Hindi original the FL would have become a doormat in 2 months.

I LOVE this post and I agree with everything you said. Also, I think I know the show you’re talking about. It was the same show which also filled my head with wrong notions about romance. To a 13-14 year old, it was the very epitome of passion. Manhandling, wall-pinning were all portrayed as something which was cute and exciting just because the toxic dude had feelings for this girl and also because he was drop dead gorgeous. I wish such shows, scenes and characters were something we could say was in the past and ITV has come a long way but alas, it has not. A newly launched show and also another show on the same channel showed similar behaviour and I am sure it will all be forgiven because the guys are hot and they said a feeble sorry.

Quite like you, I stuck on with GHKPM because of the SaiRat charm. They weren’t the typical hate-love story. Their banter, their conversations, the mutual respect, all this was very alluring for me because in real life, most relationships are like this. You don’t have a perfect start but somewhere you find your to each other. SaiRat seemed like that couple to me. I was super proud of the writers for normalising things like giving a head massage, sharing a bed, having some real conversations between two individuals who were forced into this situation but tried to make the best of it.

Virat’s behaviour has been abhominable and if there is a reason why I am still watching this trashy, regressive show, it is Sai Joshi. I love this girl. She feels, she cries but she never backs down. She treats others as she is treated. I particularly loved it when she threatened Virat to file a domestic abuse case. She should go ahead and do it.

The points you make about Virat gaslighting her are bang on. He is manipulative and as we saw, an entitled egoistic male chauvanist. He wanted to control her and I am sorry, I just don’t buy this excuse of his behaviour coming from concern for her. Virat has this aura and I am sure everyone has always been impressed with him but not Sai. Sai is the one person who has been immune to Virat’s Viratness and his fragile ego can’t stand that.

Personally, I don’t think Virat can be redeemed. He has said the most brutal things and even exerted physical control. I hope Sai leaves forever but obviously, it’s a show and she won’t.
The makers had a great opportunity to not show regressive content but they blew it. They will instead use Neil’s phenomenal talent to melt the audience. I wish Ayesha and Neil or anyone else has objected to this scene.

Whether you like it or not .. virat has been shown as the most realistic guy I have seen in Indian tv in a long long time .

You look around .. you will not get Demi gods or knights in shining armour who will do the things in a right way .,

You will also not get romantic heroes in daily life .. flirting with you

I have seen so many husbands among my group of friends and family behaving like him ..Most have an excellent professional life and are very popular with their friends.. but in a moment of anger can hurt their wives

And a lot of them don’t take the stand if supporting their wives in front of their own family

Because Indians have been conditioned to live in joint families .. we are changing . But we remember our parents staying awake in the night to make us study

Today virat is listening to Kaku ka diktats because in his childhood he owes something to his Kaka abd Kaku ..

It is not so easy to shrug it off abd start support your wife .. gradually after a few years .. things start shifting

You build ur own base .. have kids .. in your heart the wife n kid becomes more prominent and you get used to supporting ur wife ..

I am not saying what virat did was right .. it was very very wrong .. but 7 out of 10 cases the wife forgives it and moves on ..

If it is a continued thing .. then it’s a problem ..

I am not saying ladies should accept it .. but every body has their own set of rules to follow ..

I am glad to watch a series where the hero is human and not a god or a knight .. because frankly I will never get those in reality

Agree with you 100% on how toxic behavior is often shown as being romantic in lot of TV shows and films.

I felt the same indignation for GHKKPM until different viewpoints from senior members in IF made me realize that this show is more suitable for mature audiences. What I feel MIGHT be different in GHKKPM is that the abusive behaviour may not be glorified/normalized. Stories can be of two types - path-breaking/inspiring or gritty & layered. I would like to hope that GHKKPM belongs to the second type . Whether it ends up glorifying toxic relationships or sensitively shows a positive/negative progression will depend on how each of the characters is handled from here onwards. Even then, I would still like it to be classified as an adult show. Because it should not unwittingly propagate wrong idea of romance to youngsters, especially girls.

I'm trying to watch the show with an open mind - ignoring how indigestible it would be in reality. Many works of literature/art have unsympathetic characters - as long as the character arc is satisfying, it can be cherished. If the show takes a toxic turn, I'll stop watching it.

Itv shows have always been like this, regressive to the core and normalising emotional, physical violence against females and the irony is that these shows get huge trp because of those female viewers only.🥱

I can understand back at the teenage we used to romanticise these rough tough male leads but as we grew up we came out of that bubble but looks like itv never grew up🤣

Ye gusse wale ladke, pushing pulling, wall pinning, trying to control FL in the name of romance ab tv par dekhne mein bhi achha nahi lagta to real life mein to bahut dur ki baat hai. What virat did to sai or what his family has been doing is enough ground for filing domestic violence complaint but itv, actors and even the sbs, sbb voice overs making it seem like FL is at fault because she is badtameez hence she needs to be in control🤪

Tbh, i also haven't seen any serial on daily basis since long time and i was hooked to this show because of impressive promotion and neil bhatt. Then i googled it and came to know it is based on KD. I took pain to read its synopsis and was immediately disappointed. But my mom got hooked to it hence forcing everyone to watch it on tv and here we are....a regular viewers of this show.

No matter how much we keep commenting on forum or social media, cvs wont listen to us because we are not giving trps to them. Trps still calculated on the basis of tv viewership and trp aunties dictate it. My mom (i think everyone's mom or elders) denotes that trp aunties group and more than the show I am always interested in watching her expressions or views about regressive content and its a real relief that she calls out characters and cvs for doing absurd things.

The gen z has moved on to ott but these elderlies still stuck to itv. They want to see good content but unfortunately there ia no good content on itv. So they are in a way forced to see all this shit but thankfully they do realize the difference between right and wrong.

Like music industry and bollywood itv too is captured and run by few big production houses who keep bringing regressive shows and in front of their grandeur and production value small budget serials even if with progressive story line doesnt stand a chance. For example most of the sony tv shows are different and progressive but because of channel's own disinterest in promotion or small production houses they never get that popularity.

So there are many factors that work in tv industry which are contributing towards loads of shittt content.

I completely agree with the post and all the points u mentioned.

ITV shows has become more worse...

We can't discuss the other shows openly i guess it's against the IF rules. But without mentioning the names i will describe what they showed. U all must be knowing those shows already.

In one show a pregnant woman was beaten by hockey sticks by her mother in law and other family members. Later she slips into coma and MIL goes there and tries to kill her but fails. Later she tries to prove her mentally unstable and sends her to mental asylum. That FL was pregnant throughout all this. Still no one believed her. So much mental and physical torture she went through.

In another show an 18 year old was tied to a vehicle and made her run on roads by ML. He made her sleep on ice slab. He have up heavy weights on her legs. When she accidentally broke a clock, he made her stand like a clock. Never properly apologised after he got to know about her innocence. Later after talking 'janmon janmon ka pyaar and vaade etc etc' he again repeated the same mistakes, he physically, mentally and emotionally tortured her. NO APOLOGY was given.

These are recent shows. And in many other shows ML slaps his wife, in one show ML forced himself on his wife. More worst things were shown.

Waise shows mein hota kya hai?? FL always getting tortured one way or other. There is no story at all in these days TV shows. Always questioning FLs character etc etc. Am fed up.

In ghkkpm at least sai has some self respect and takes stand for self. It is a comparatively a little better than other shows these days. But if they copy that raath ko ghar se bahaar nikhal na and raat bhar bhooka rakhna and sai and usha mausi sitting in front of the house like that and all tho...😴😴