Two shot: Stalking for dummies (complete)

A guide to becoming an obsessive compulsive, crazy, stalker level lover without your husband's knowledge for dummies

Hey all you creepy Connies,

So you are in LOVE with this guy. And, he is:

1. Out of you league

2. With someone else

3. Thinks you are weird

4. Doesn't know you exist

5. All of the above

I am assuming it is all of the above. Hence, you approach me. You have come to right place. I am the best and perhaps the only expert on the subject who managed to marry the guy she drools over. Did I just see your jaws drop? That's exactly what I wanted. You know my name ain't Geet for nothing. He sticks to me like a bee to honey.

So, how did I manage to bag this statue of my dreams? Well, I didn't try. It's a long story but the gist of it is, we got married. You already knew that but, since this is my blog, I reserve the exclusive rights to brag. Now, back to your problem. Crap, he is here. I have got to go but, I will finish up in a little bit. Till then, do not kill that other girl. Remember, girls do not hate other girls. They just hate the fact the others get to talk to him. K bye.

What was saying again? My obsession, yes. He is akin movie star. I am sure your crush feels like one too but, mine has the looks go with it. He mesmerizes me. I have made you jealous enough for today. I sure you will run after me with rotten tomatoes if don't give you some useful tips. For starters,

STEP 1

Pick a guy: I am sure you have already done that but, if not then, here is what you are looking for: make sure he is either good looking or you have too low a self-esteem to consider him handsome (JK, I am sure you do not lack self esteem). Next, he should be way out your reach. Specifically, the only way he would marry you is if the earth was a rectangle. This in no way gives him the right to treat you like trash. It usually means one or all of the things I mentioned in the beginning.

STEP 2

Get to "know" your guy like the back of your hand: What is his favourite food? The name of his mom? The game of his mom? (By that, I mean what your future MIL's deal is. What does she like? How can you get on her good side?) What use does mama have in your stalking, you ask? Well, you sure have not watched rom-coms. Mummy picks a girl for our hero. He never likes her as much as he likes the witch who throws herself at him. You and I both know you are no witch. What does that make you then? Mummy's pick. Now that we have gotten that settled, lets move on to the how to's. Pick out a place near his house. I don't know, like a tree that gives good views of his bedroom. And, you are Sherlock Homes so, you need to invest in a good pair of binoculars to observe your speciMAN. Pay attention to his mundane activities cause, lets get real, you will not spend a penny at the fancy Whole Foods even if you had to starve. But, when he is eating that free range rotisserie chicken or that cream cheese box he just touched or that organic dog food he lay his eyes on, you will shell out your wallet. You couldn't care less that you can not name a dog let along having one as a pet. You would stuff your face with that cheese even though you are lactose intolerant and you would never let that chicken escape your sight even if it meant getting mould in your fridge. Essentially, what I am trying to get as is, go watch him like a hawk so you can figure out where to drool. No, seriously get working! Next time, I will post a makeup tutorial on how to blend in the background. Cause you don't want him thinking you za freak.

Note: Do not take this stuff too seriously. It is pure fun and games. I am NOT and I repeat NOT the character and in no way endorse her views.

This is the end. Let me know how you feel.

Ok so I have got fan mail. I must say you guys are really messed up. I see your pictures and Karen, gurl, I can tell you a big time crack head. If you want to continue stalking as a profession, you got to lay off drugs and take this ish seriously. OK? Else, he gon run away with the cheerleader and you, well, you still be a crackhead. K, I will stop with ghetto talk. This is serious business.

Ifly22 asks: I have just bought a new pair of binoculars but, I still can't read what the tattoo on his back says. What to do? Sad face. Crying face. Dead face.

First of all, easy there with emoticons. Second of all, write a strongly worded letter to the retailer and give him a piece of your mind. Now, having done all that, you are probably not going to see any results. A ban from the local mall maybe but, no returns. So, go buy a better pair. K, let me get this straight. I am a busy woman ask me questions that are deep. Don't waste my time and don't waste my readers' time. NEXT

Hideyokidshideyoman aks: Hi, my name is ________. First rule of stalking, you do not disclose your name on the internet. Anyway, this person asks, I have followed your advise, I am broke and I still do not have a boyfriend. What to do?

I never said this going to be cheap. If you want results you have to put the time and the money. If you are broke, how do expect the guy to like you, puhleez. Still, I can relate to you just a bit. I was broke too when I started. You have got to make do. No binoculars, go the old fashioned route and get yourself a magnifying glass. Or, climb up a roof. This may be risky so be especially cautious not to get caught. Your carrier as a stalker is a short stretch and can be cut even shorter if you get caught.

Now, for the last question of the day that is really worth answering,

Istoleyoustoleme asks: What happens when you get caught?

A deep and profound question with a simple answer. One of two things girl. One of two things that either makes you start all over again (i.e. forever alone) OR makes you the happiest woman in the world (Maan weds Geet, I never let an opportunity to boast pass by). In either of the two situations, I hope you remember my words: A girl's gotta try till a girl gets results. Do not lose hope or I will run after you with a baseball bat and haunt you in your dreams. Have a good life!

This is my pathetic attempt at irony. DO NOT take this literally, please.

1. Out of you league

2. With someone else

3. Thinks you are weird

4. Doesn't know you exist

5. All of the above "

How exactly did Maan take Geet's obsession? All of the above? 🤣

Originally posted by: SiniHanda

🤣 🤣 🤣

But then, this is Geet's blog for " A guide to becoming an obsessive compulsive, crazy, stalker level lover without your husband's knowledge for dummies [...] am the best and perhaps the only expert on the subject who managed to marry the guy she drools over" right?

I am glad you liked it that much. Merci

Some ambiguity clearance though 😳: So, Maan is Geet's second husband here and was drooling on him without her first husband's knowledge ? I mean, how else could she guide married stalker types? Geet did say this was her guide to be a "stalker level lover without your husband's knowledge" 😕 Or does Geet mean she continues to stalk and drool on her husband without him realising it 😳 ? Or some other permutation and combination of the paradigms at play?

Let us go with the later for simplicity sake. I NEVER think beyond what I have penned down. Lesson learned a long time ago.

And then, " So you are in LOVE with this guy. And, he is:

1. Out of you league

2. With someone else

3. Thinks you are weird

4. Doesn't know you exist

5. All of the above "

How exactly did Maan take Geet's obsession? All of the above? 🤣

*Sini Handa hurries to get ye ol magnifying glass- some guys are just worth it 😳 "

Hello Stalker Level A😆

Originally posted by: SiniHanda

Oh, I loved it absolutely. It's lovely to come across writing that's set apart from the usual staple found here that sticks to stereotype romance alone.

Thank you. I take pride in being anything but typical. Feel free to check my index (link in signature) if your heart so desires.

Even while having been a stalker (Level A 😆) myself often, some of your writing were part of dialogues one asks oneself while observing other stalkers and going GOSH and then self-examining one's own stalker levels against those new found touchstones 😆 So, this served as an excellent "stalker-check" 😆 Keep writing!

Thanks again. Should I be scared?😕

Originally posted by: iiDona

Thank you. I take pride in being anything but typical. Feel free to check my index (link in signature) if your heart so desires.

Originally posted by: Sarah08

ROFL!!!!!lolol!!! this has to be one of the wackiest reads I have come across in a while!! :DI will categorise myself in option 5 hence justifying why am here in the first place :P

Loving and laughing over it in heaps...extremely extremely weird looks for my colleagues/boss who might be my secret crush or not :P :P