Bumper2Bumper:2B continued Alumni#90 - Page 4

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Of wisecracks, giggle-fests and all things that tickle your funny bone

We live in the 21st century. We are civilized. India is one of the fastest growing economies. We are a young, vibrant nation. Reclaiming our past glory is but a matter of time. The world's largest democracy is supposed to be a good place to live.

And then incidents like this week's horrifying rape in our national capital remind us that we actually live in the Dark Ages. It seems that no amount of reasoning or police protection or political posturing or media coverage can solve the problem, so the only option left is prevention. Here are the only 10 ways we can keep women in Delhi safe from molestation. They might be a bit extreme, but so is the situation.

1. MDH = Must Deposit on Head: Hollywood has taught us that pepper spray always deters assailants, but the animals of Delhi deserve no less than MDH Deggi Mirch, straight in the eye. Give every woman in NCR access to the most potent masala there is, and there's hope.

2. Change night to day: Delhi is victim to a different kind of terrorism, one where women cannot feel safe after dark. But there is a very simple and logical solution to this. Just weld a 25 kW floodlight to the top of every woman's head, so that it is always well-lit around her, and she's safe!

3. Embrace house arrest: If every woman locks herself at home, employs the best security, and wipes herself from the face of the earth, she should be safe in Delhi, right?
Wrong! Who said her family won't molest her?

4. Make wearing of chastity belts mandatory: That way, even if the scumbags start to violate an innocent, the chastity belts will make sure they don't finish.

5. Hold sensitization sessions for Delhi men: Where they are taught respect for women, and that rape is wrong. But the lecturer, if female, should be careful; not everyone in her audience understands that No means No.

6. Mandate public castration for rapists: And publicize their fate through every media outlet in the country. And, one day, when a would-be rapist approaches a woman, she can wave the article in his face, and he will slink away with his tail between his legs, like the cur he is.

7. Take an eye for every eye: Some rapists have said, in interviews, that they cannot understand what a woman being molested feels like. So we say, educate them. Create robots that rape convicted rapists, and teach them what the receiving end feels like.

8. Make Batman appear: It seems that Delhi has now sunk to the depths of Gotham City before Batman began. We need a Dark Knight to make the dark nights of Delhi safe for everyone again. Of course, there's the small problem that Batman is fictional, but he's more real than the integrity of the police there.

9. Take the final step: Because everyone in a position of authority is apathetic - the policemen, the guards, the politicians. Centuries ago in Rajasthan, women committed suicide through the rite of Jauhar rather than face a living death in marauder hands. Maybe that time has come again.

10. Facilitate sex change operations: If women still want to live, despite the suicide directive, then the only way they can escape rape is to become men. Sadly, this is the only way not to get raped that will work for sure.