The night she said "haan"…………………
She had left; run away, in fact. She seemed to be running away from him a lot lately, leaving him with unanswered questions; leaving him in a quandary, hurt and bemused -wondering if she ran away from facing the truth and all the consequences that it would bring.
He was tired of this game she seemed to be playing; tired of her evasion, of perpetually treading around each other's feelings; tired of this giving in and then pulling back; almost as if they were testing the waters, testing each other to see how far they could push each other, before one of them broke.
He decided it was time to get it out in the open, to get it out of her; and had followed her to the dark patio, bringing a candle with him; to better see her face, look into her eyes when he confronted her with the truth- as he knew it. He would emotionally blackmail her if it came down to it; for he was getting frustrated to the point of desperation and desperate times call for desperate measures.
She had given him, in his mind, a hollow excuse for an answer, about not wanting her life to be a burden to him. He felt sure she was again being evasive again and it drove him right up the wall; exasperating him that she would deny something that was plain as day to him. His patience thinning, he had demanded if she refused because she had developed feelings for him; was afraid to be close to him- afraid she would lose control; asked her, if she loved him. It appeared as though he was trying to uncover her feelings, but in reality he needed to let her know of what he felt - his loss of control, his need to be close to her, his inability to keep his hands off of her. Afraid of this power over himself he had given over to her; asking her to tell him what he wanted to hear, to know that he was not alone in what he felt.
She looked at him aghast; eyes revealing a kind of shocked horror at having been found out ; lips parted in a gasp, trying to breathe desperately. Her eyes had become anguished pools, a sheen of tears in them, pleading with him to understand; understand her need to hold it in, for the sake of both of them; for she was sure that if she let him in, let go of herself; they would both be washed away in the flood that ensued; broken up inside, never to be whole again.
And yet, the quiet urgency in his voice, the raw emotion in his eyes, his tormenting words, kept tugging at her, pulling her towards him; away from sanity, away from rational thought; leaving her with just a longing to give in, to let go. A longing to ease his pain; to find the release that would be hers if she let go, to be swept away with the feeling; feel a lightness in her heavy heart, to have the freedom to let go even if for a brief moment.
He had waited for eons it seemed, before had she let out a strangled "haan". He stood there frozen, as if in a trance; looking on with unseeing eyes; every thought forgotten, every awareness heightened; breathing suspended as if he had forgotten how to. Her 'haan' had echoed deep within him; bringing with it a peace like a cool breeze on a midsummer night, soothing his anxious heart- its turbulent waves quietened to the stillness of a pond.
His heart soared, unfettered; taking him to an abode of serenity where he was unable to hold in the smile of his heart; unable to restrict it in its confines; her one 'yes' making him feel as if he had always stood there waiting- waiting for her to take his hand and bring him out of the darkness that surrounded him, his heart, his life. Her 'yes' had brought light to corners of his heart that he did not know needed it, a warmth spreading in its deep recesses. He had stood there trying to hold his heart still; his eyes unblinking lest it disappear– this moment.
And then, she had pulled back. Pulled back and pulled him down; plunged him back into the darkness that he had emerged out of only moments ago; extinguished his every ray of hope, quashed every dream he had woven in that one moment around her 'yes'. She had put him together and torn him apart – all with her "haan".
Her one "yes" had made his heart soar above himself, while her next - agreeing with him to help in the charade had cast him into the depths of despair and frustration; leaving him wondering if the other had ever been, that other "haan", the one that had resounded like the truth?
She had moved away then, walked away from him; leaving him bewildered and broken; staggering, trying to find a physical support when emotional there was none.
He knew then, he would hold onto that moment - when time had stood still for him; when the universe had waited and watched - watched his glimmer of hope turn into a ray of sunshine; his heart open up like the butterfly that spread its wings emerging out of the cocoon. He would hold on to it, keep it safe, deep inside his heart - that moment; his moment- his one moment in time.
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Ye Hai Mohabbatein
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