Jokes - Page 115

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

😆 😆 😆 lol suram 😆 😆


The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enroled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.

On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"

Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

A teacher asks her class if anyone can use the word fascinate in a sentence. Brian raises his hand and says, "The sky is fascinating."

The teacher says, "No that's fascinating."

Jennifer raises her hand and says, "When I saw the tigers at the zoo I was fascinated."

The teacher says, "No that's fascinated."

So finally Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "My mom bought a new blouse with 12 pearl buttons, but her tit's are so big she could only fasten eight!

FOOLING THE PROFESSOR

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to party instead. So, when they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tyre and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.

Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question.

"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.

Then, the test continued... "For 95 points, tell me which tyre it was."

Once upon a time , there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market.

One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river.


Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood ( the woodcutter and the axe )


He started praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.



As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match box and asked, "


Is this your computer ?


" Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, " No."

She next showed him a pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his.
Annoyed, the engineer said "


No, not at all !!"

Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.
The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes."

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ?"

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM !". So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!!

Bihar Driving License

DRIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------

NOTE: Please do not Soot the person at the applikason kounter.
He will give you the licen.
For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.


1. Last name:

(_) Yadav (_) Sinha (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

2. First name:

(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

3. Age:

(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dot no

(Check karet box)

4. Sex: ____ M _____ P(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable

5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Rite

6.Occupason:

(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) Howse wiphe (_) Un-employed

(Check karet box)

7. Number of children libing in the household: ___

8. Number that are yours: ___

9. Mather name: ____________ _________ __

10. Phather Name: ____________ ________ (If not no,leave blank)

11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

12. Dental rekard:

(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other -__________ Give egjhakt color

(Check karet box)

13.Your thumb imparesson :
____________ _________ _______

(** Iph you are caaphying phrom anather applikason pharom, please do not caaphy thumb imparesson also. Pelease provide your own thumb impraresson .)

PELEASE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS

Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have lepht hand, use your thumb on rite hand. If you do not have rite hand, use thumb on lepht hand.

NOTE : IPH YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DRIVE.

WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS

THE SPEECH

By a Desi SCHOOL MASTER

A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school
in Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as
was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly
on Independence Day.

Here's his dynamite speech : Leddies and Gentulmens,
Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech. If
small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly
speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the
following reason.
Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation
in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I
put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk.
At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and
at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son.
Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible
for getting birth of my son.
We got independent because of great leaders linke Gandhiji who
get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our
birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our
birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the
Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or
looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of
Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt.
You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety
seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great
books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to
college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can
become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants,
or leacherers in college.
The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil.
We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your
heads and one day will become great phools. Many vacancy job come
in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for
refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so
and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise.
If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.

I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and
thank God I am finished. Joy Hind!"

😆 😆 😆 Lol malliga and suram.... 😆 😆