Arnav-Khushi: Hold me like I'm more than just a friend (Part 10 - p55) - Page 12

Something stirred deeply within Khushi as she heard Arnav's reply to Anaita's heart-wrenching questions. His words seemed to echo within her, long after they had been uttered.

You are not a bad girl. Papa is a bad person.

There was something inescapably haunting in the vulnerability and helplessness of his voice, his eyes... so much so, that her emotions finally overpowered her rational thoughts, and her mouth uttered what her heart was screaming out, "You are not a bad person."

He looked up at her with surprise, but did not seem to know what to say. She was just as surprised as he was, at what she had just said, and so she said nothing either.

Why were words so elusive to both of them, why could they simply not find the voice to express what they felt? Perhaps, it was not really the circumstances that had wedged themselves between them. Perhaps, there had always been walls that they had erected within their own selves, and they had not had been given the time to lower their guard and truly open up to each other, so that the circumstances had merely widened the gap that had always existed.

Khushi, for all her bubbly, talkative nature, was probably not very different from silent, brooding Arnav after all. She could chatter away non-stop until everyone else was exhausted and at the end of their patience. But her innermost thoughts, her inner pain, she kept to herself. Even Payal did not know how bad she felt at the way her Buaji treated her at times, or how disoriented and pressured she felt at the Raizadas'. And she never talked about her biological parents to anyone. As extroverted as she was, she felt that she had never had a best friend she could freely confide in.

At some point, she had felt that Arnav would fill that space in her life. But there had been no time to nurture that feeling.

Lately though, she had increasingly begun to feel drawn towards Arnav again. She tried her best to fight it, berating herself for being weak and spineless, and too easily influenced by the others' accounts of Arnav's goodness. But the numerous pep talks she gave herself paled away when she saw the turmoil in Arnav's eyes and her heart went out to him.

Instead of demanding explanations from Arnav, as she should have, as a self-respecting person, she found herself subconsciously making excuses for him.

Maybe he felt so guilty about what he had done, that it felt like sheer torture to speak about it. Or maybe he had loved Anaita's mother so deeply, and the relationship had ended so badly, that he did not want to rake up those memories again by talking about it. Or maybe Anaita's mother herself, or her family, had not wanted him to meet the child. It was very difficult to believe that Arnav would willingly abandon his daughter, especially considering how lovingly he took care of her now.

Of all the excuses that Khushi made to herself on behalf of a frustratingly silent Arnav, the one involving him having been deeply in love with Anaita's mother, took prominence in her mind. It stung to think that Arnav had loved somebody else, and that he still loved her even after her death. Try as she might, Khushi could not help but shake off the thought, and quell the dull, throbbing heartache that she felt, as she imagined how Arnav might have been with Anaita's mother. She felt an excruciating longing to be that person, whom Arnav would love so deeply, and a crushing sense of disappointment when she faced the truth that she would perhaps never be that person.

Yes, he would always dutifully fulfill his responsibilities as a husband, but would he ever actually love her, in the way that people loved out of desire and craving. Would he ever hold her as though it would kill him to let go, not out of duty or convention or courtesy, but to fulfill a more primal need, a more soulful longing... like she was more than just a friend...

It took all of Khushi's will power to continue to maintain a steely silence in front of Arnav, even as her heart continued to pull her towards him.

And one of the biggest tests of Khushi's resolve to remain upset with Arnav came a few days before Payal's godh bharai, the baby shower ceremony organised by the family in the eighth month of her pregnancy, when the other family members decided that Arnav would not be allowed to take part in the ceremony. While Arnav had not uttered a word in protest, Khushi could see that he was pained, and she could see why.

After Arnav's parents had both passed away, his only ambition in life had become to push himself and do everything in his power to restore his father's company to its former glory. He had sacrificed the best years of his youth, working tremendously hard to secure his family's future and protect them from all harm. Sure, he was not exactly a sociable person, but everyone knew he loved his family more than anything in the world. Whatever his reasons were for his recent behaviour, it seemed unfair to exclude him in such an important family event, when he had done so much for all of them. Heck, Payal and Akash would not even have been able to get married to each other, if Arnav had not stepped in and convinced Mamiji, whose eyes were set on another bride for her beloved son.

And it was not like everyone was angry at Arnav for a valid reason either.

Anjali, of course, was genuinely hurt that Arnav had behaved immorally in the past and felt betrayed that he had hidden it from her, considering how close they were to each other. But most of the others seemed primarily concerned with how this might affect the family's reputation and image in society, which Khushi saw as an extraordinarily lame reason to ostracise someone. While Payal was partly angry on Khushi's behalf, for the most part, she seemed to be simply going with the flow, and being angry with Arnav to comply with the rest of the family's mood as the dutiful daughter-in-law that she was. And in the midst of it all, Akash's reaction was largely incomprehensible.

On the one hand, he had tried to defend Arnav, beseeching Khushi to forgive him, without offering any reason whatsoever for such forgiveness. But on the other hand, he seemed to be unable to meet Arnav's eyes and made conscious efforts to avoid Anaita, pointedly leaving any room where she walked in. It was most bizarre, since the other family members at least tried to keep things civil with Anaita, knowing full well that, even if she had been imposed upon them, the little girl was in no way to blame. But Akash seemed to resent her very presence. He tried to act neutral, but there was an inexplicable shadow that crossed his face whenever Anaita appeared or was mentioned.

Still, being given that Akash did seem, in his own strange way, at least partly supportive of Arnav, Khushi supposed that she could talk to him to convince the rest of the family to allow Arnav to attend the ceremony. After all, the godh bharai was being held for his unborn child. Surely, he had some say at least, with regards to who could attend and who could not.

The more Khushi thought about it, the more sense it made to speak to Akash. After all, it was possible that Khushi was only imagining his aversion towards Anaita and aloofness from Arnav. Or maybe he was torn between the love and respect he still had towards his brother, and his duty to mimic his family's reactions, and that was the reason for his strange behaviour. It was also true that Payal's health was still delicate, and perhaps the stress was getting to him.

"Jijaji, can I talk to you?" she said tentatively, as she finally spotted him alone on the rooftop one day.

"Yes, Khushi?" he said, attempting a smile that did not reach his tired eyes.

"I... Could you try and convince the others to let Arnavji attend Jiji's godh bharai please. You've been telling me to forgive him, so I'm sure you'd understand how much this means to him. He seems really upset, and honestly, I won't mind if he's there."

Akash closed his eyes and took a deep breath, as though to steady himself, before he said, slowly, his voice strained with suppressed emotions, "I cannot risk Payal's health. He cannot come."

"What? But how... why... I'm sure Jiji won't mind. For how long is everyone going to treat him like this? Nobody's been talking to him properly for a month now. And now this - I think it's getting too much!"

"Bhai has brought it upon himself. Who told him to bring that girl home?"

"It's his child, Jijaji! He has responsibilities towards her. Honestly, I think he was at fault not to bring Anaita home earlier. How could he just abandon his own child like that? As a father, I think he -"

"Shut up!" Akash shouted out of the blue, his voice reverberating in her ears like a roar of thunder, "I don't want to hear what you think. You have no idea what you're talking about, so just stay out of it, okay?"

Khushi was too shocked to react, and before she could compose herself, Akash had been violently pushed to the ground.

Arnav was standing besides Khushi, his eyes rigid and hard, spitting cold fury.

"How dare you!" he said to Akash, through gritted teeth, his voice barely a whisper, yet overpowering and menacing all the same, "That's my wife you're shouting at."

Akash stumbled back up, as he stuttered hurriedly, wide-eyed with fear, "Sorry Bhai, I'm just... I'm really sorry. Khushi, I... I mean, bhabhi, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. It won't happen again. Bhai, please don't... I'm really sorry."

Khushi looked at Arnav. Even though Akash had left, his fists were still clenched so tightly that his knuckles had turned white.

"It's okay," she said softly, "I think he's worried about Payal. That's why he snapped."

"Whatever it is, I cannot have anyone treat you like that. If he, or anyone, shouts at you, you tell me, okay? I don't care if they're family."

Khushi simply stared at him, nonplussed. He had never been so assertive in her regard before.

He placed both of his hands, gentle yet firm, around her shoulders before he continued, his voice so sincere and heartfelt that she could not help but be moved, "I know I've upset you a lot... but I really care about you. It doesn't show but I really do. I'm sorry I've put you in this situation, but trust me, I really can't give you the answers that you want. I have given my word to someone, and I cannot break my promise. I'm so sorry, Khushi. You don't deserve all this."

Khushi could barely register what he was saying. The air around her seemed to have thickened with tenderness and sweetness as he stepped in closer to her. Her skin tingled through the thin fabric of her blouse and saree where he had touched her.

She looked away from his intense, burning gaze, and stepped back from him, so she could think straight.

After a brief struggle to find her voice, she finally said, "Please stop apologising. You don't have to tell me anything. After all, we are not exactly husband and wife. Between us, it's just... I don't know what it is, but... you know what I mean. You don't have to tell me anything, it's okay."

...

Part 6