Anger is a normal emotion, an emotion which all humans go through. It is neither good nor bad; it is just a feeling. However, anger, when not expressed appropriately, causes a wreckage in the person who go through it it, as well as the person to whom it is directed. Anger blinds us so that we do things that we later regret. And thus, it gives rise to two more states of existence - Guilt and Shame. Guilt scares us; so we do not do what needs to be done. Shame chokes us; so we say nothing when we need to. Presently, quite a few people where sailing in the boats of these emotions and states.
Pam, who was seated in the balcony of her house, was lost in her own thoughts when Kriti entered. "Mummy" her tone seemed low. Pam heard her but chose not to respond. "One of the aunties told me that Khushi has been admitted in the hospital" That caught Pam's attention and she stood up to look at her daughter. "What? Why?" "It seems Khushi went to the hospital to see Samrat, but Arnav ji said something to her. She couldn't take it and then, she had a seizure" Pam brought her hands up to cover her mouth. Kriti continued, "Mummy, this is not something we wanted, right? We just wanted Arnav ji to come closer to me, right? Look what happened! On one hand, Samrat is in the hospital and now, even Khushi..." "We need to apologise to them all" Pam said, all of a sudden, surprising Kriti. "I just wanted to teach Khushi a lesson. I don't know why, but I just couldn't stand her. I thought that I can bring you close to Arnav. But not after all this, Puttar. Whatever happened today was because of our mischief. I thought of it as a harmless prank, and just wanted to keep Khushi and Arnav away so that they weren't becoming too friendly and then you can go close to him. But one mistake of ours brought so much of pain to everyone." Pausing for a minute, she said, "Kriti, I don't think I have it in me to face either Khushi or Arnav. I understand what Arnav must be going through. I too am a parent, and I would die if I saw you getting hurt. And Khushi, as much as I dislike her, I could never want for something to happen to her." She moved inside to the living room, and Kriti followed her. "We'll go to my sister's place in Chandigarh for some time. I feel suffocated in this place. I'll just leave a note for both, Khushi and Arnav, saying sorry for whatever we did. We can come back after a few weeks." Kriti too agreed. As much as she disliked Samrat for his mischief and Khushi for her cold attitude, she couldn't bear to think that both of them were in the state that they are today, because of them. Both, mother and daughter, went to their rooms and packed a few things, so that they could leave the place in the first train available.
Arnav sat in the waiting room, just outside the Paediatric ICU. Samrat had been shifted from the Post-Op and the nurse said that he would be allowed to visit his son in a short time. But, no matter how much he tried, his mind kept repeating his own harsh words and his head throbbed with pain. He recollected how vulnerable and broken she looked when he told her that her parents and her husband died because she was a bitter person, a ruthless and a cold-blooded bitch, who did not deserve their love. She was shattered. She even begged him not to say such things, but it was too late. Usually, when one gets bitten by a poisonous snake, you suck the venom out. But here, he had let the venom surge through his veins and spewed it on her, damaging her heart and soul. He had stabbed her with his words and had left her heart bleeding with the cuts he made on it. His words were laced with hatred, and his revenge of getting back to her was fulfilled. Yet, he wasn't at peace. He should have. After all, now she knew what it meant to be hurt, just like his son was. But his chest felt heavy. It was guilt. He felt ashamed to even look into Garima's eyes as they were taking Khushi into the Emergency Room. What worsened his condition was that Garima did not say a word to him. Her silence pricked him. He wished to have at least been yelled at or maybe even slapped. But her silence choked him. Presently, he might have been physically seated on that little bench there, waiting to meet his little boy, but his mind wandered around Khushi. He hurt her. And now he felt exactly how she was feeling. Guilt killed his inner peace and shame choked his breath.
Garima leaned against the wall with her eyes closed, as she thought about her daughter. Why did fate have to be so cruel? It gave her a sense of deja vu. She had been through this same course of events almost a year back when they had flown to Delhi for the memorial of all the passengers who passed away in the tragic plane crash. Her Rishi was one of them. Until the memorial service, Khushi had refused to believe that her Rishi was no more. "He's coming back Ma. He must have been injured. Or maybe, the rescue team weren't able to find him? What are we even doing here Ma? What if Rishi is at home and is waiting for us? He said he'd come back as soon as possible; he promised" Presently, her words were still ringing Garima's ears. At the service, when the names were being read out and candles were being lit, Khushi had fallen to the floor, and in seconds, she was convulsing. The shock that Rishi had died and would never come back was too much for her to take. Luckily, there was a team of paramedics on the spot and they had tended to her. It had come as a shock to Garima that this incident was the first episode of seizure that Khushi faced. Khushi suffered from epilepsy. She had never heard of it until she saw her own little girl suffering. And none of it had resurfaced until today. Garima, with her eyes still closed, prayed for her. Khushi couldn't betray her and leave her, like how Rishi did. She had to be safe, no matter what!
Samrat's eyes fluttered open and it took more than a minute for him to realise where he was. He looked around to see that he was alone in a huge room. Huge machines kept making strange noises; wires and tubes went in and out of him. What was worse was that his whole body ached. He turned his head slowly, and saw an unknown lady standing by the beeping machines. His lips curled and big tears began to drop from his eyes. The nurse, who was standing by the bed, heard soft sobs and looked at the tiny boy in bed. "Hey sweetheart, what happened? Why are you crying?" she tried comforting him. He kept sobbing, instead. "I want my Daddy" he said in a hiccupped breath. She smiled and patted his soft hair, careful enough not to hurt the wound on his head. "I'll bring him to you, right away. And don't cry. You're a good boy, right? And good boys don't cry" The nurse's words brought Miss Khushi's thought to his head. Miss Khushi hated him. She too was just like others. No one loved him. His sobs grew bitter. He just wanted a hug, where someone would tell him that he was loved. He just wanted his Daddy, and no one else.
"Mr. Raizada" the nurse called out, and Arnav sprang up from his seat. "Your son had gained consciousness. And he's been asking for you" Arnav nodded. He placed his footwear on the rack and walked inside, following the nurse. When he reached the bed where his little boy was lying, he saw the doctor checking him up. The doctor saw the little boy's father, and greeted him, "Hello Mr. Raizada. I'll be done in a minute" he said, and focusing on Samrat, he spoke, "Now Samrat, repeat after me- No Ifs And Or Buts About It" Samrat repeated what the doctor said. "Good. No speech impairment." He turned to Arnav and placed a hand on his shoulder. "You're boy is absolutely fine. I'm sure that angels themselves must have prayed for him. To survive a road accident with such minor injuries is nothing less than a miracle. A few more days at the hospital is required, and then you may take him home" Arnav nodded and thanked the doctor. The nurse too left the bed side and waited outside to give the two some privacy.
Samrat looked at his Daddy from the corner of his eye. "Are you mad at me, Daddy?" he asked with a strained voice. Arnav kissed his baby's hand and shook his head. "Mad? No. Scared to death? Yes." Sam curled his lips and said, "It hurts, Daddy. Everywhere!" Arnav's felt the pain in those words. He brushed his fingers on his chubby cheeks. "What made you run out like that? Do you know how worried we all got?" Sam fell silent. He couldn't tell his Daddy that Miss Khushi said those things to him. For if Daddy knew, he would surely scream at her and they would fight all over again. Instead, he looked up at his Daddy with his big black eyes, which were slightly droopy due to the effect of the pain killers, and said, "I'm sorry. I went crazy, like the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland" Arnav smiled at his boy. He knew very well why his sonny boy ran like that. It was because of Khushi's words to him. The guilt returned with a vengeance.
"Is Miss Khushi here?" he asked his Daddy. Part of him knew that she wouldn't come to see him. After she did not love him. But a part of him hoped that she was here. "She did come to see you when you were asleep" Arnav saw Samrat's face light up like the star of Christmas. "She did?" he asked, unable to believe his Daddy. Arnav just smiled. "She did. She did come to see you" "Where is she now?" he asked in an excited tone. Arnav's smile vanished. He only looked at Samrat, wondering what to say to him. "She's here, in the hospital" he said in a soft tone. Samrat smiled and Arnav's heart melted. "She does not hate me! She still loves me! I knew it" he mumbled, thinking that his Daddy did not hear him. But unknown to him, Arnav did hear his boy. And indeed, he knew that she loved him. He realised that she said all those words because she was angry, just as how he had spoke to her when he was angry. "Will she come to see me again, Daddy? Can you bring her here?" Arnav shook his head and already knew what the next question would be. "But why?" Sam asked with a pout. "Because, no one, apart from your Daddy, is allowed to see you" He lied to him. "What? Why?" Sam asked again. "Because you are still sick. Now, would you want Miss Khushi to see you when you're all sick? Or would you like her to see you once you get better, when you are all dressed up like a smart boy?" "I want to see her now. I need a hug from her." he said with a pout, much to Arnav's disappointment. "The doctor won't allow it, Sam. Please. Now be a good boy, and sleep for some time." Arnav said as he patted Samrat. "I'm not sleepy" he cried, but due to the medicines, he did fall asleep. Arnav rose from where he was sitting and walked outside. He had to see how Khushi was doing. He knew that Garima would be there, and would probably snap if she saw him, but he had to face the consequences of what he had done.
Arnav walked to the bench where Garima was seated, and he sat next to her. Garima opened her eyes and saw him seated next to her, however she chose not to say a word. After minutes of silence, Arnav spoke first. "She'll be fine" "I hope so. I've lost my son already. I cannot lose her" she said in a bitter tone. Arnav took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I didn't know that she is... an epileptic patient. I was angry..." "Arnav, let's not talk about it, please?" Garima said interrupting him. The level of his guilt kept rising every passing minute and he was drowning in it. Now he knew how exactly Khushi felt. He had stepped in her shoes and had walked in it for more than a mile. The burden was too much to bear. "Is there anything I can do, Aunty?" he spoke again. Garima turned to look at him, folded her hands in front of him and said in a soft whisper, "You've done enough for her and for me. Please, leave us all by ourselves, Arnav" The hurt feelings in her tone did not go amiss by him. He nodded apologetically and rose to go, and that's when he saw the doctor coming out. He stayed by the older woman's side. His guilt did not permit him to walk away. He had to know the extent of damage he had done.
"Who's with Mrs. Khushi Gupta?" the doctor asked and Garima stepped forward. "I've got a few quick questions for you. When exactly was the previous episode of her seizure?" Garima told him that it was more than a year back when Rishi had passed away. "Does she sleep well at night?" "No doctor. She has frequent nightmares" the doctor jotted down something in Khushi's file. "Are you absolutely sure that this is her second attack?" "Yes Doctor" "Does she have any odd experiences, like sensing things that aren't real?" "Yes, she hallucinates. I've seen and heard her talking to... her husband who is... no more" The doctor nodded with a frown as he continued to scribble. "Does she go blank at times, like stare into space? Does she respond well to anything you say?" "Sometimes she does. I've seen her go blank, lost in her own thoughts many times. When I call out to her, she isn't aware of what I say." "Is she still continuing her medicines?" She shook her head, "No doctor. She stopped them after three months of her first attack" Garima was now beginning to get nervous as the doctor frowned. "One last question, does anyone in the family, who is blood-related to her, have epilepsy" Garima fell silent, "I don't know. I'm her mother-in-law. As much as I am aware of, her mother did not have epilepsy. I am not sure though. She passed away when Khushi was very young. And her Dad was never around her. We have not heard from him ever since he got married again" The doctor just nodded. "Well, Mrs. Gupta, we've asked the Delhi hospital to send us a fax of a copy of her file so that we know what exactly happened in her previous attack. Also, we've carried out a scan and we're waiting for the results of the MRI. Blood tests have been done to find if she's got any genetic or metabolic disorders." Garima interrupted the doctor, "How is she now? Will she get better?" The doctor pursed his lips, "She's alright now, but she's exhausted and is dazed out. She'll remain asleep for a few more hours. About getting better, we cannot say anything right now. From what you've told me, I can only say that she's been epileptic all along." Garima was shocked, "But she's had only one episode, until now. And then, the second one is... today" The doctor nodded, "Mrs. Gupta, people with epilepsy do not always fall on the floor and have convulsions. Of course, what Khushi had a year ago, and this morning, was a tonic-clonic seizure. But apart from that, there are other forms too. I will get back to you later on that though" "Doctor, when can we meet her?" He took a deep breath and said, "Not anytime soon. We have to carry out tests first. Also, she requires a lot of rest. Anyway, the nurse will let you know" Garima nodded and took her seat as the doctor went in.
Arnav had been listening to the entire conversation and his heart ached as he realised the pain and trauma that Khushi went through. He had caused her so much of pain by bringing back all her hurtful memories. Even worse, he said that she is dead to his son. He placed his hand on Garima's shoulders, "Don't worry Aunty. Nothing is going to happen to her. I will try my level best to contact doctors who..." "Please Arnav. There's no need to do anything. I understand you're feeling guilty. But there is nothing much you can do. If it is God's will that she must suffer, I only pray that she has the strength to bear her suffering. There is nothing else we can do" Arnav sat next to her and held her hand in his. "I'm really sorry Aunty. Please forgive me. I did not realise" She placed her hand over his. "Arnav, let me tell you something. Do you know how my son died?" Arnav nodded. He knew it was a plane crash in Delhi. Garima continued, "But do you know how the plane crashed?" Arnav shook his head. He might have read it in the papers but had not paid much attention to it, back then. Garima sighed, "The plane crashed due to the pilot's ill-timed decision. He landed the flight, in spite of the warning. The runway was too short and the weather was bad too. He landed the plane beyond the touchdown zone and then lost control. The tyre burst and the plane went towards the cliff and fell into the valley. 160 people were killed. My son was one among them. One mistake by the pilot killed 160 people. Like every other person, I was angry too. I lost my son and Khushi lost her husband due to that one mistake. I cursed the dead pilot and even became angry with God for his cruelty. But gradually I realised that it was all fate's design. Arnav, my Rishi wasn't even supposed to go to Delhi. He was told at the last minute, to go in place of his senior. It was God's will that he... had to die..."
She paused for a minute and looked at Arnav. "You cannot imagine how a mother feels to lose her only child, and I pray that no mother or father has to ever go through this pain. No parent must outlive their child. Now, I can keep blaming someone else for what happened, or I can accept it and pray to the Lord for strength to bear what is planned for me. I have brought up Khushi as my own daughter, and losing her will be like losing another child of mine. But I have no control over anything. I can only pray for her to get better and remain positive about this whole situation" She patted his back, "I'm not justifying anyone's actions. Khushi said certain things to Samrat and she felt guilty for it. She shouldn't have, but she did it anyway. Then you too said certain things to her. Again, you shouldn't have, but you said it anyway. Words once spoken cannot be taken back, Arnav. It's true in case of her as well as you. I understand what made you so angry. You were scared of losing your baby, and when you knew that Khushi was indirectly behind it, you were angry. I have been there in your place too. But that doesn't change things for good. It did not bring back my son. And in your case, Samrat is still in pain." Arnav only looked on as she continued to talk, "I'm not saying that you shouldn't have got angry. Anger is a normal emotion in such a stressed situation. It was normal for Khushi too, in the given situation. What is said and done is already over. It cannot be changed. But, henceforth, remember one thing. Your one action, which you do without thinking twice, may cause a lifetime of pain for another"
Arnav heaved a sigh. "I understand what you're saying Aunty. I will apologise to Khushi the minute she wakes up. And I will talk to Samrat as well. I will tell him that his Miss Khushi was angry and he just happened to bear the brunt of her anger." "No Arnav" Garima said, and he looked confused. "I mean, it's good if you want to apologise to Khushi. And knowing her, I know she will forgive you. But do not apologise to Samrat for her mistake. If you ask me, let the two of them talk about it. Let it remain between Khushi and Samrat. And knowing Samrat, he must have already forgiven her" Arnav smiled and nodded as he recalled the way his little boy asked about Khushi. Garima was right. Children did have the biggest hearts. They only know how to love. Their hearts do not know hatred, deceit or anything impure. They have pure souls. It is a belief that before a child is born into this world, the angel Gabriel whispers into the baby's ears all the secrets of God and the universe. Then the angel kisses the baby's head and gradually the baby forgets everything as it grows. Arnav smiled wearily. It was not surprising that grownups bear grudge against one another. Only adults find it difficult to forgive one another. Kids never know what ego and hatred really means.
Taking a deep breath, he held Garima's hand in a firm assuring grip. "I'll pray for Khushi. She's sure to get better soon. But, could I expect forgiveness from you, for what I did to Khushi?" he said. Garima nodded in hesitation. Somewhere deep, she was still angry at Arnav. Had it not been for what he had said, Khushi would not be lying unconscious inside. However, the wisdom that she had gained over the years and her bitter experiences in life had made her wiser and stronger. "It's not easy, Arnav. But if it makes you feel better, then yes, I forgive you. I have nothing against you" she said truthfully. Arnav's eyes turned moist as he felt the burden on his shoulders become lighter. He stood up to go back to the place where his little boy was sleeping. But before going, he turned to her. "I owe you, Aunty. Big time. Thank you" She looked up at him standing in front of her and was reminded of her own son. She smiled to herself, bitterly. "I hope you will not forget it. I will hold it against you when time comes. Think twice before you promise" she said with a motherly smile. After a really long day, a genuine smile lit up on Arnav's face. "You just need to say it to me. I will go to the moon and beyond to make it happen" he promised with a smile and walked away. Garima saw the young man walking away. Then, she looked around and realised that it was almost dark outside. And in silence, she hoped that the next sunrise would set things right, or at least be a start to it.
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