Part - 29
"is it right to be little selfish, armaan? Kya kabhi kabhi bass apne liye jeena galat hota hai??"
Armaan lowered his eyelashes for a few seconds before he could again adjust them on her piercing, vulnerable gaze.. he wanted to comfort her, pull her so tight to himself that no one will ever find her to remind any of her torturing past.. to him all that matters is she, nd she only.. he could go to any extent to protect her, love her, cherish her.. but then again how was that even possible now when she has raised such an unanswerable question at her extremely devastated condition..
He took a deep breath of helplessness while mocking his own fate in heart.. how ironic! When after all these intimate conversations, he finally started believing that there's still some hope to befriend with her, at least, here he's again back to square one!
"kya huya armaan, bolo na??" riddhima probed again. Her own heart was beating maddeningly then.. she used to be the confident, extremely self-controlled, utterly arrogant ridz once but now armaan has successfully brought her back to her previous self, the calm, sober, timid riddhima, who alwaz felt dubious before taking any difficult decision, who alwaz ran to her nanu or abhi or aman to verify whether wat she's willing to do was right or not..
It was becoming hard to harder for him to console her that moment.. he wanted to lie.. he wanted to answer something that he, himself, will never oblige.. he wanted to assure her that being selfish is right, that she should become a little selfish and think about her own desires forgetting all other lives related to those decisions but hell, he couldn't do that. If he were her, he would have done exactly the same that she's doing now.. the thought of pushing riddhima to death for his own selfish desire was not only haunting but self loathing as well.. love is about to give, isn't it? Isn't it that sacred bond where no selfishness can reside, where one can go to any extent to protect his or her beloved one even if it costs his own happiness, his own life? oh yes, it is.. he feels deeply and strongly for the purity of this bond but then again he couldn't say all this.. he couldn't encourage her to stay locked up forever and die thousands of death every day alone with to one to wipe away those tears of pain.. he felt helpless, too helpless that for once in his life he felt that he wouldn't be able to cross this hurdle.. he'll lose or he'll give in..
"tumhe bhi lagta hai, na ke yeh galat hai, hai na armaan?" riddhima asked, this time, half smilingly, half tearfully expressing her defeat..
He closed his eyes tight feeling like getting lost in the infinite blankness.. He wanted to hold the moment but everything was slipping away..
"pata hai armaan.. u never fail to amaze me or to make me proud or to touch me somewhere so deep which I never knew still existed.." riddhima paused nd took the bowl n glass from his hands nd then placing them safely on the table beside, she took his right palm in between hers..
Armaan who was all alone nd lost a minute ago, felt like life was coming back to his every vein as soon as her assuring touch started caressing him. He opened his eyes only to admire how beautifully nd perfectly his big hard palm was mingled with her smaller nd softer ones.. in between all tension, he smiled finally. It felt so surreal but so comforting.
"I'm sorry armaan.. mujhey tumse aisa question poochna hi nahi chahiye tha jiska answer mujhey pehle se pata ho.." she paused again but didn't try stop her fingers to play with his. But then suddenly after a few seconds, she stopped dat too nd disentangling her palms, she got up from the bed slowly.. armaan who was so lost in her words & touch, didn't realize dat she wasn't on the bed anymore but was standing beside the window looking outside at the dusty city until she started to talking to him again.
"tum bahot acche ho armaan.. itne ache ki kabhi kabhi dill karta hai ke sab kuch bhulake bass tum mein kho jayun.. bahot kismat wali hogi wohh ladki jissey tum miloge, jee chahta hai ki main bhi thodi si khush kismati uss bhagwan se choora loon.." she was leaning on the glass door nd talking lill unconsciously, but came back to senses wen she felt his gentle touch on her shoulder.. smiling to herself, she turned to meet his gaze..
"thank u.." she said truthfully making him clueless completely.. she understood his condition, nd decided to clear the clouds.. "for not lying.. for not trying to comfort me with something that u, urself, don't believe.." she paused smiling understandingly but he withdrew his hand feeling guilty and ashamed.
"there's nothing to feel bad, armaan.. agar tum jhoot keh bhi dete toh bhi mujhey pata chal hi jata.. after all u r a terrific liar.. aren't u??" riddhima teased making him laugh a lill while nodding his head in agreement.
"nd besides.." she again started cheekily but then changed her tone into a soothing one as her joke turned into a serious one.. "joh insaan mere liye apne aap ko bhul sakta hai, wohi insaan kabhi bhi apney liye mujhey takleef mein nahi dal sakta.. so, selfishness tumhare liye almost impossible hai aur isi liye mujhey pata hai agar tum meri jagah hote toh tum bhi yehi karte, hai na??" she caressed his left cheek with her right palm as he again agreed with her but this time unwillingly.. "forget me armaan.." her last sentence came almost like an inaudible whisper but his breath got stuck in his throat as he heard it clearly.. he nodded his head disapprovingly while pleading her with his eyes.. "please.." she whispered chocking herself.. "no.." he nodded his head in disagreement.. "never.." he whisper-shouted still rejecting her pleas nd then pulled her strongly within himself being too afraid to loose the grip as if given chance, she'll flee away leaving him behind all alone & shattered and that was the thing he could never afford.. "no.." he mumbled again, hiding inside her hair more.. "never.. I can never ever forget you.. never.." his voice chocked, his body shook but he kept on mumbling nd hugging her.. "sshh armaan.. sshh.." she hushed him while securing his trembling body against her weaker one..
Minutes past by but still he didn't dare to withdraw his arms.. they were still standing beside the window with riddhima's back pressed against the glass door, his weight hovering over her, his arms around her neck nd waist where as hers around his waist nd head.. it was peace, it was static but again it was not completely static as his lips were moving every now n then kissing her ever so softly wherever his face could reach without loosening the grip even the slightest where as her fingers kept on answering his gesture by massaging his scalp soothingly or by ruffling his hair playfully with her long, sleek fingers encouraging him to go on and on nd never to stop.. both were broken, both were helpless but yet they weren't ready to let the time go yet.. may be it was about to over, may be after this they'll bid adieu to each other but then again extending the goodbye wouldn't harm them anymore, wasn't it? So, she could actually hold him this closely, this tightly, this lovingly without being burdened under the guilt of selfishness.. she was lost in dwelling with her heart n mind, wen suddenly she found herself gradually being disentangled from him nd needless to say, her heart shrank. So, it's the time! She thought sourly.
Her eyes burnt, tears threatened to break the barrier but still she managed to smile encouragingly. She knew how difficult it was for him becoz she too was in no better condition or may be in worse as it was her last chance to live, to love.. her throat felt the ignition as well, her brain followed the queue but still she stood in front of him all strong, all understanding.
She was waiting for his decision, waiting for the goodbye but wat she heard startled her completely.. "I got the answer, riddhima.. finally I know the answer of ur question.." he whispered confidently yet slowly..
"armaan??" she sighed helplessly yet hopefully.
"I know it took me too much time to get the answer but riddhima, it was not because I was uncertain or less confident about my feelings for u, it was because ur question was too unexpected that it startled me to the core when I was already too lost nd too shaken minutes ago.." he paused hoping her to interrupt but she didn't say anything just kpt on listening to him baited breathed.
Getting the clue, he again started.. "I'm sorry.. I'm sorry for putting u in such a situation.. for hurrying the matter so much that it shook u dis badly.. but then again now wen I think properly I feel I shouldn't be sorry at all.." he paused nd tucked one loose strand of hair behind her ear softly. She shivered but didn't utter a thing..
He kept caressing her left cheek with his thumb as he proceeded further.. "tum pochogi nhi kyun?" he asked like a feather, in return she just nodded in "no"..
He nodded understandingly nd resumed again.. "kyunki sooner or later, tumhe toh pata chalna hi tha.. yes, I accept that I never intend to confess, ever.. lekin tumhare kareeb ate hi main khud ko bhul jata hoon toh yeh stupid decisions kya cheez hai.." he presented last a few words humorously making her agree with him smiling finally.
He withdrew his thumb nd stepped onto the actual problem finally.. "I agree riddhima ki selfish hona sahi nahi hai.. I agree with u also ki agar main tumhari jagah pe hota toh main bhi wohi karta joh tum kar rahi ho par final decision lene se pehle main kuch cheezo ke bare mein zaroor sochta.." he paused as her vision turned from defeat to confusion..
"main zaroor sochta ki jis pyar ke khushi ke liye, jis pyar ko zinda rakhne ke liye main ussey apney aap se door kar raha hoon, wohh sach mein zinda rahegi ya.." her vision became horrified this time.. "no! u can't kill urself.. armaannn.. noo!! U hve family.. u can't.." but he cut her hysterical protest clearing her doubt while again covering her within his arms but this time gently and affectionately..
"dying is not killing always, riddhima.. one can die more torturously, more painfully even if when he's breathing nd doing everything that an alive person does.. aur tumse behtar yeh aur kaun jaan sakta hai, bolo?" finally she understood his meaning nd her hiccups subsided while she completely surrendered herself in his arms..
"tum hi socho riddhima kya tum chahogi ki apne hi pyar ko bachane ke liye tum ussey wohi zindegi de do joh na ussey jeene degi na marne.. aisi zindegi joh insaan ko jete jee mar de.. aisi zindegi jahan maut zindegi se khubsoorat lagne lage.. batao riddhima? Tumhare sawal ka jawab tume hi dena hoga.. main sirf madat kar sakta hoon par jawab nahi de sakta.. ek baar dill se soch ke dekho, kya ek riddhima kam nahi joh ek armaan ko tum dusri riddhima banana chahti ho? Kaisa lagega tumhe jab tumhe pata chalega joh armaan kabhi apno ke liye jeeta tha, unki khushiyo mein khush hota tha, zindegi ki har pal ko jeene mein believe kart ha, aaj jeena hi bhool gaya.. wohh armaan jissey tum bacha rahi thi anjane mein tumne ussey hi mar diya.."
But before he could say anymore she protested.. "chup ho jao, armaan, please, chup ho jao..." she pleaded pathetically.
He stopped obeying her.
On one hand, it was riddhima who was completely stirred and shaken, all lost in this new alley of doubts and questions and on the other hand, it was armaan who was though holding her lovingly yet protectively, was himself feeling bad & guilty for bombarding these torturous questions upon her.. but he was helpless, wasn't he? She somehow managed him to say adieu and allow her to live the way she's living now but then, wen he held her too close to his heart, he knew wat he'll lose if she goes away.. she wasn't only his love but much more than that.. unknown to himself, she has become so essential for his life that leaving her not only will destroy her but him as well.. he'll become exactly the same how she's now.. without her, there'll be no hope, no dream, no future, in short no life.. how can the virtue of unselfishness destroy two lives, indeed the answer is something different nd finally he got the best outcome for this worst situation.. he'll prefer a shorter life, if necessary, in peace than a long, never dying one with extreme torture.. people say love is blind.. but he thinks just the opposite.. he was blind a few minutes ago but thanx to his love, their love, he has found the light nd he'll leave no straw to make her see this serene light, make her drench with the shower of his love for her, only her..
"I can't do this armaan.. I cant make u another riddhima.." she confessed finally which seemed after ages..
"then don't.." he whispered soulfully..
"but.." she tried to protest again but he cut in between.. "don't u think it'll be much easier, much happier if we're together no matter how long it lasts.. riddhima, we don't know wat's there in store for our future, but at least we can live our present.. together!" he contested.
"together.." she agreed nd hugged him tighter this time. He, also, took no time to reciprocate her affection.. he died for this moment every day nd now finally wen he actually made her agree he still couldn't believe it was happening to him..
"I love u riddhima.. I love u soo much.." finally he confessed his feelings all over again without the fear of her withdrawal.. as usual she flinched for a moment but then adjusted completely, burying her head in the crook of his neck mumbling.. "I know armaan, I know.."
He kissed her hair promising in heart to transform her reply into "I luv u too" soon.. he wasn't sure previously but now he knew wat she actually feels for him.. he knew dat how challenging it was for her to welcome life after ages but then again he felt her trying.. she flinched but she calmed anyway.. it'll take some time for her to get accustomed with "love" but he knew she'll one day, soon..
___________to be continued____________
do i need to mention to whom this part is dedicate to, haan aayuu??😛 hope i didn't disappoint u, chotu sis.. i know u were too eager to read next part.. nd it's becoz ur excitement, i penned down it this fast.. luv u baby.. t.c & stay happy alwaz.. 🤗🤗 but before u start whining for next part, let me say sorry to u too, as i'm gonna pause IWUTHM for sometime.. too many stories to continue na baby.. toh i'll end a few in between & then resume it.. sorry but can't help it.. till then enjoy training and stay blessed..❤️
to all my other IWUTHM readers, thank u soo much for showering ur love for this story, i'm really overwhelmed.. 🤗 but sorry to u all too as i'm gonna pause it for a few weeks though I will resume soon definitely but u all have to wait a lill.. so, till then t.c & stay happy..😊
Edited by .Optimism. - 11 years ago
Cricket
CID
8