ArHi SS: Swayamvar | COMPLETE | 31/7 - Page 23

Chapter Nine (Arnav)

"You know what your problem is, Arnav? You're too damned arrogant and think you can play God. Thanks for the advice and help, but I think I can make it on my own from here on out."

She wrenches her hand out of my grasp and storms away, the door slamming with heavy sound. I reach out my hand, but my fingers only grasp the cold, empty air.

She's gone.

And the uneasy weight settling in the pit of my stomach tells me that she won't be back. Not this time.

I feel slightly guilty that I went behind her back to get her script to Shaan. I should have told her about it, especially after I found out about her not accepting her own father's help.

But I can't bring myself to feel guilty about the fact that I helped her. I don't regret what I've done, and if I could redo it, I would do it again without a second thought.

How has everything gone wrong so quickly?

I thought it was finally working out.

"I need you."

Her voice, thick with desire and breathless, rings in my ears and sends goosebumps crawling up my arms. I shiver, recalling that night.

Something was different that night, something that I simply can't ignore. I've always accepted the blinding passion that simmers between us, the need to just have her seared into me. That much, is easy to deal with.

But that night, I had felt something more than lust. The sight of the tears in her eyes had brought emotions that I didn't even know I had out. I hated those tears, the pain in her eyes.

I had been unable to soothe her in words, knocked speechless by the sudden rush of emotions flooding through me. And so I had shown her in the best way that I could.

I had meant every ounce of the tenderness I had shown her that night. The deep, long kisses had nearly brought me to my knees, mindless with the need to have her trembling beneath me, to hear her cry out my name in impassioned gasps.

For the first time, I had been forced to sit back and pause. The sight of her, flushed against my sheets with her entire body calling for my touch had stilled my movements. I couldn't help but admire her, committing the image to my memory.

That night, I was shocked by my own need to put her pleasure above mine.

I needed to feel her come apart in my arms, to see her writhe underneath my fingers and taste her on my tongue. I hadn't hesitated to give in, to touch her exactly where she needed it, because I needed it too.

The sight of her above me, sinking onto me and taking me into her, is something I will never forget. Her dark hair falling around me, her body slicked in sweat with only the sounds of our moans and the slap of our skin is forever imprinted in my mind.

The echo of her keening, piercing cry of pleasure remains in my ears, making me long to feel her bare curves pressed against me once more.

That night, I realized that it would be very, very hard for me to move on from Khushi.

I knew Khushi would be hurt my referral to her as my friend. At the time, I honestly hadn't known what to term her as. We had never talked about it, dancing around our feelings and relying on the sex to tell each other everything.

But words were important too, and that was something we desperately lacked in our relationship. We avoided conversations about our feelings, for fear that it would upset the balance. We failed to realize that we were also upsetting the balance by avoiding those very necessary conversations.

The feelings she evoked in me scared me, and I hadn't wanted to start that difficult conversation either.

So I had attempted to assay my feelings through the coffee, hoping that she would understand my message. The shocked, pleasantly surprised look on her face had told me everything I needed to know.

Her pointed questions had forced me to confront the conversation I had been avoiding, and at that moment, I had made the decision to stop running from the words I needed to say.

"Tell me Arnav, do you sleep with all of your friends?"

"I know that I like you. I think you're funny, smart, and I'm very attracted to you. I don't think I've ever had better sex in my life, and I'm not a sanskar virgin by any means. I think we could have an amazing relationship, beyond the sex- But if you're looking for confessions of love, I won't be able to give it to you. At least not yet."

I meant every word I said that night. I knew the difference between simple lust and something more, and I had consciously chosen my words that night to reveal that I was serious about the possibility of a relationship.

But I had also meant it when I told her that I couldn't give her a confession of love- that I wanted to date her, to get to know her.

I wouldn't term my feelings as love, because I honestly cannot say that I know her well enough to love her. My feelings were not superficial, but I didn't want to use the word love until I was sure.

Because once those words were out, there was no taking them back.

During that conversation, I had omitted the fact that while I may not love her, I knew I harbored deeper feelings for her than simple attraction.

And she had chosen not to question it.

I had seen the doubt in her eyes that alerted me to the fact that she knew I wasn't telling her everything.

But she had let it go, and I had been too scared to delve further.

***

I shoot a glance at Khushi from the corner of my eyes. She's busy fiddling with the lens, like she always does when she's upset. She takes apart the camera and puts it back together, and there's a sadness in her eyes.

I don't like seeing her upset.

While my own ego won't let me apologize, but I also feel as if I don't have anything to apologize for.

After all, I don't regret what I did. Besides the fact that she is- was?- my girlfriend and friend, Khushi is also incredibly talented and deserves a break.

Khushi pointedly ignores my texts, glancing at her phone and then putting it down. She leaves as soon as the shoot is over, avoiding me completely.

And I haven't made an attempt to actually go up to her and talk to her.

I meant it when I said that Khushi needs to grow up. In order for us to be in a relationship, she needs to first figure out what she wants from life. Her uncertainty about her own life is reflected in her writing, and I can see what the producers meant by her scripts lacking a certain sense of maturity.

Her inability to let go of her own pride and accept help reminds me of myself a couple of years ago, and I know that she has to learn the same lessons I did. Failure and learning to accept it is something everyone needs to learn.

And until she learns that difficult lesson, our relationship will never work.

It is for that reason that I've chosen to maintain my distance from her this last week.

We both need distance from each other, to come to terms with our brutal argument. This argument would not have ended with a mere apology- I wouldn't have been able to take her immaturity in certain matters, and she would continue to accuse me of playing God.

Without distance, this issue would continue to come between us... until it eventually tore us apart.

"Arnav, Lavanya, let's shoot the fantasy suite scene."

I notice Khushi stiffening immediately, and suck in a deep breath. We chose to keep our relationship away from the Bachelor, and she accepted that it was simply a role I had to play.

"Arnav, I don't mean to sound... clingy. But it has to be addressed- you're the Bachelor. How does that affect our relationship? You made out with Lavanya while you were sleeping with me, and I'm not blaming you for it, but you are essentially dating' other women."

"Khushi, I can't back out of the Bachelor. I did it for NK, and you know that."

"And I'm not asking you to- I just think we need to address how it defines our relationship."

"I... I think we have to look at our relationship as a separate entity. The Bachelor is a job for me, a role I'm playing. I don't intend to marry any of those women."

"But that's what they think you'll be doing."

"The show says I don't have to propose at the end, or even choose to pursue a relationship- I am at free will to say that I don't believe I've truly found love, and that I would like to let them go', in cliched terms."

She pauses, her eyes uncertain.

"So it's just a role? You're... serious about us."

I take her hands in mine, trying to convey that I mean what I say.

"I'm completely serious about us. I would like to give this relationship a shot. For me, the Bachelor is nothing more than a role, a character I play. I hope you'll trust me on this."

She takes a deep breath, her fingers tightening around mine.

"Alright. But... if this doesn't work at some point in the future, I will bring it up again."

"Deal."

The uncertain state of our relationship makes me pause for a moment, realizing that Khushi could take this entirely the wrong way. I hope that our fight hasn't erased the memory of our conversation on this very issue.

I brace myself, and plaster on a smile, agreeing to shoot the scene. I don't look back at Khushi, knowing that if I see her expression, regardless of what it is... I'll lose my ability to play this role convincingly.

I close the door behind me silently, and turn around to face Lavanya, who's looking at me coyly underneath her eyelashes. She's leaning slightly forward, pressing up her generous chest towards me. Her shirt rides up just a little, and I can see her flat stomach.

I find myself longing for the curves that Khushi has, the feel of her skin under my hands.

I smile at her, walking over and taking her hands in my own as I sit down next to her on the bed. Away from the cameras, this action feels less scripted, and a lot easier to do.

I know what she expects from me, just as I know what to expect from her.

I stare at her for a minute, trying to collect what I want to say to her. The expectant, eager look in her eyes pushes me forward, and I quickly initiate the conversation we need to have.

A few hours later, we leave the room, bright smiles on our faces.

I grasp her wrist, forcing her to face me as we walk out. I keep my voice to a whisper so that the cameras can't pick up what I'm saying, and lean in closer towards her.

"Are you okay with this, Lavanya?"

Her response unsettles me, and I watch as she walks away. I vaguely hear NK yelling cut, and the commotion that comes after it.

I immediately sweep the room for a glimpse of her, even though I know I won't find her there.

All I see is her blurred figure as she rushes out, stuffing the camera into the bag with force as she swings it over her shoulder.

Damn it.

***

Note: And that's where I'll leave you for today!

I realize that this was on the shorter side- my apologies for that, I didn't feel the need to make it longer because I hit what I needed to. I also realize that what happened in the fantasy suite is vague- and I will say that it is purposefully so.

The next chapter will be Khushi's perspective, and I believe it will be the penultimate chapter (not including the epilogue). I am very sad this story is coming to a close- but another door will open, and I'm very excited to explore that.

Please follow @ipkchotidesi on Twitter or this blog for updates. Happy reading!

Love always,

Choti

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