I'm uploading this through my cell so I've no idea how many mistakes are actually there. M so sorry for the delay. I dont know how many of you are still reading it so I'll start with a recap.
Recap: Sanyukta told Randhir about her decision of putting the baby for adoption because they are just too naive to handle a responsibility that hard. Randhir obviously flipped out and dint agree on the terms of adoption. The whole gang goes to Danny's huge house for a weekend. One small fight led to Randhir saying some mean stuff to Sanyukta, and then Sanyukta in return says some equally bad stuff and then locks herself in her room.
CHAPTER: Do you have room for one more troubled soul?
A searing shot of pain was rushing through my body like an igniting fire and a scream escaped my lips. I immediately sat up, realising it was just a dream. Sweat trickled down my face and breathing turned erratic. Looking up, I tried to steady myself trying to comprehend what was going on around me and where I was. When i was certain I was in my bed and not with some lunatic nurse in a hospital, I kept my hand on my heart and took a deep breath in order to slow it down. This was the second time it happened; the second time I had a nightmare about my labour. It terrified me the first time I had it, just 3 days ago, and even though I wanted to tell Kaustuki, I didn't. She had enough problems to deal with beside I thought it was just a one time thing. Now, i wasn't sure.
I looked around the room for the bottle on the table across the room and slowly got up from the bed. My body felt as if I had been bruised in every corner. My legs felt shaky and could not support my body yet my head was the only thing that was feeling heavy. My eyes squeezed closed as my face contorted. Never had I ever experienced such pain in my life. I walked towards the table slowly, opened the bootle and chugges down some water and my breathing slowly went back to it normal rhythm.
I rested my head on the pillow and relaxed in my cocoon of blanket.
I had been crying from 3 hours before finally drifting off to sleep. Kaustuki knocked, parth knocked but I never opened my door. It was guilt that consumed me. All I could think was how egotistic, self centered jerk I was. Randhir's words wouldn't stop ringing in my ear, like a haunted nightmare.
I looked at the clock. In the dim moon light i managed to read it was 3. I wanted to wake Kaustuki and talk about my dream. It was just a dream but a dream that is going to become my reality in three months.
Frustrated, I closed my eyes and cupped my face. That was when I felt a wetness at edge of my eyes.
I frowned rubbing the wetness on my finger. Did I cry myself to sleep?
When I was in 8th grade, I had my first sleepover. I was with my other 4 friends doing what they usually do in sleepovers. It was fun until one of my friends boyfriend called her and broke up with her. Hurt and devastated, all shr did was cry after that. I felt sorry for her at first but my feelings changed when I saw her crying herself to sleep. Pathetic, that is what I thought. How can somebody cry to sleep over someone over a guy! Why give someone the power to make you cry. You should be in control of that.
The memory somehow made me feel sick of myself. What happened to me? How did I change so drastically? But I knew the answer, because it was not just some guy. It was Randhir. The guy I hated with my heart was the one in charge of my heart now. I have already given him the power of making me cry or smile. I guess this is what happens when you like someone. Or I just hoped it was like and I'd get over this phase soon.
Too much jumbled with emotions, I closed my eyes and sighed. Suddenly I missed my daddy like a 4 year old does when he gets lost in a crowded place. "Sanyukta," he would say, "dont be like a flag dependent on the wind for directions. Be the captain of your own ship, navigating your way through the choppy sea and slashing any kind of monster that comes your way. You alone are responsible for your destiny and keeping your humanity in the harshness of life."
My flew open and for the first time in months I felt strong, like there was some prodigious courage pushing inside of me demanding me to take control of my life. I can't like this, crying like a pathetic 7 year old. I need to pick myself up.
Not caring about the time, I got up and carried my feet towards the door. I will talk to Randhir. Even if he's sleeping, I'll wake him up and talk to him. We had enough and we do need closure.
I opened my door and yelped when I saw a figure standing outside, their hands in a position as if about to knock. Randhir had changed into black t-shirt and loose jeans. He had a baseball cap on, shielding most of hid face but I managed to see his eyes which looked tired as if he had spent his hours tossing and turning in bed.
I stomach suddenly felt heavy and twisted. Yes I was planning on confronting him but now that he here, I wasn't sure about it anymore.
"What are you doing here?" I asked pushing a handful of hair of my face and glancing past him to the hallway.
Randhir gulped. "I, uh, came to talk to you."
I just stared at him for a moment and then nodded, not trusting my mouth. I tend to ramble when I get nervous.
"Can I come in?"
I shook my head and then motioned towards the stairs. "I want some fresh air. Let's talk on the terrace."
He nodded making his way towards the terrace as I closed my bedroom door and followed behind him.
The nightsky was beautiful. So pure and cold, death couldn't cause it any harm. Embedded into it, twinkled pure crystalline stars, like someone had gone and planted each and every diamond so we could all just admire their stunning natural beauty.
When I was a child I used to wake in the night and wish for the sun. The darkness worried me, my imagination supplied many beasts with fantastical jaws to lurk beyond the range of my vision. But now that i embrace it, I realize in our world the real monsters walks in the daylight.
We sat on the railing, both of us silent. I looked up at the sky, enjoying the view and the soft breeze. The silence was comfortable and it caressed my skin like a cool summer breeze, smoothing my soul, taking away tottered emotions.
"I'm sorry." I heard Randhir whisper and I turned to look at him.
I didn't knew what to say. I hadn't forgiven him for his harsh words or behaviour that felt like knife being twisted in my stomach. His icy cold attitude without even trying to understand me was not something I was going to let him get away with that easily. If he has a valid reason, then it was different but if not then...
"I was a jerk to you, I know and I feel terrible for what I did. You were right about the whole adoption thing. If it makes you feel any better, I've already filled out the forms and all. All you need to do this is set a date for interviews."
I flinched as if he had just slapped me. Yes i expected him to apologise to me but no I never expected him to agree on the terms of adoption with me or actually go and do it. I thought he wouldn't or was it a part of me hoping he wouldn't? Am I getting second thoughts about this whole thing or what? And how come Randhir filled it without putting up another fight? Was he doing it just so I'll forgive him or he actually meant it? Curiosity got the best of me so I ask, "why?"
His eyebrows shot up as if silently asking me to elaborate, so I do. "From weeks you did everything you could ignore me or taunt me or make me feel like a bitch for trying to think well for our kids. Then from this week it even worsened and you left no chance to make me feel vile and despicable. Heck, you even called me pathetic and a looser! And now you are sitting here, apologising, and saying you have filled out the forms, just hours ago from the drama we created that ruined everybody weekend and you actually think I'll believe your apology that you oh so suddenly and not-so peacefully just happened to realize all of a sudden? If anything I think you are just like a robot reciting the lines you have been mugging up from hours."
Yes Randhir took a deep breath and looked up at the sky before taking off his cap.
I took a sharp intake of breath. There was a bruise on his forehead that the cap was doing a very great job of hiding. It wasn't that deep but it was enough to make me start hyperventilating.
"How?" I asked fighting the urge to touch it.
Randhir shrugged as if it was no big deal. "Kaustuki... she got angry for what I did."
My eyes widened for a mili second before I burst out laughing. Kaustuki once told me she did karate and I thought she was for lying for a girl so petit. I never pointed it out though nor did I ever passed a comment. Good thing I didn't, god knows what that venus de milo could have done to me.
I was so busy laughing that I didn't notice the smile that appeared on Randhir. It wasn't a full smile, but it was enough to set my heart racing. The last time I saw him smile was when he gave me that guardian angel locket. I remembered how happy he was after spending a day out with Danny and how ruthlessly I destroyed his mood in just a second.
Absentmindly my hand went over to my neck where the locket laid and I saw something cross over to Randhir but it was gone as fast as it came.
"Does it hurt?" I asked.
Randhir shrugged. "Not much."
"Well sorry from behalf of her."
"No need, I deserved it."
I felt a little consoled from his words. At least he knew what he did was wrong. He may still not understand why I was doing what I was doing, but he was trying. I can help him with the rest.
As I stared at his charcoal black eyes, I realised I knew nothing about him while he somehow came to knew everything about me-not that there was so much about me. He even knew about my fear of heights when I didn't even knew about his favourite colour. Danny told me in that club that Randhir was letting his walls down for me by bringing me to that place and the familfact that he had troubled past. But I guess that was all I knew about him.
"Tell me about yourself Randhir." I said hesitantly afraid he might get upset and storm off.
Randhir studied me silently for a long moment. "That's not a good idea."
"Why not?"
"You won't like me if I told you."
I knew Randhir lived a life of closed doors. He had a troubled childhoon, Danny had told me and it wasnt much of a secret that Randhir had an unabideably strong aversion towards his mother. I always got the feeling, the less I knew about it, the better. But now I want to know about him. Besides I've already fallen so deep in the pit of feelings for him, it will take years for me to come back out...
My lips wobbled. "I won't Randhir. I dont judge people on their past but present." And I already like what I've seen
Randhir was silence for a long time and for a minute I thought he was sleeping with his eyes open. I was about shake him a little when I heard him tsking. He waited for a few counts before answering. His voice was low, emotions untraceable.
"When I was in 4th grade, I got A+ and I was really excited to show it to my mother. But as usual when I went home she was busy in her work and told me to go to my room without even glancing at me." Randhir's eyes were starring in space as if he was talking to himself rather than telling me about his past. "Sometimes I wondered if she even remembered how I looked like. It was always like that but everytime I used to shrug it off. She was my mother after all. When I got in 5th grade, my feelings started growing more intense. I longed for her hand on my head, to give me a light pat and say 'I'm proud of you son'. That was all I wanted. I never asked her to take me to a museum or out for icecream, like normal kids do. But she never did." Randhir turned his face to me and he was a picture of grief, loss, devastation. It was the face of one who had suffered before and didn't know if he could do it again. "Then I got an award in school and the teachers asked my mom to come and I waited for her for hours but she never came. I went home devastated and didnt came out of my room for 2 days." Randhir's eyes moistened and I felt a tear tickle down my face but I made no attempt to wipe it. "The next day when I went to school, I heard a guy saying how bad my mum was and I lost it. I beat him to the point where my hand started hurting. The school immediately called my mother and imagine my surprised wheb she actually came. That was when I started getting in more fights, just so my mom would come, not caring when she looked at me sadly. She looked and that was all it matteredd. It was a matter of time the school asked me to leave forever. That was the first time in years when mom made me sit in front of her. I was happy, I thought she was finally going to talk to me. Imagine my surprise when she slapped me. It wasnt a hard slap for a 12 year old but it wounded my heart deeply. She gave me a big lecture and called me pathetic. I was broken. She planted a seed of hatred when I was 12 and in a matter of days it grew. I stopped talking to people. I stopped laughing. I hated everybody. No trace of emotion was left inside of me. Not even when I saw a guy die in front of eyes. I felt nothing. Nada. I was a monster, a sadist I guess. I used to go in clubs and fight for money. Money was never really the reason. I just loved beating a guy to death, to have him down to his feet helpless when I stood tall and having people chant my name like I was the only person that mattered. I used to get hurt a lot but emotional pain isn't felt the way a cut or bruise is. This is much different and only you can tell it is there. Sometimes the pain is at the back of your mind like a pulse. Other times it pushes itself forward demanding attention. Cutting your heart and mind in half Stinging with every breath you take.
This changed when I met two people. They were old but they treated me like their son. It made me realize love do exist that peopl who care about you do exist. I stopped fighting and again started trying to involve in social activities. I was back to normal. Then it was college and I met you. Never in my life I thought I could hate someone like I hated you. It was like I wanted to push you off the cliff but then imediately rush down to catch you." Randhir finished and gulped his eyes expecting some kind of mojo action from me. But I just sat there observing him.
Flaws. Boy, was he full of them. The scar above his cheekbone. His coldness towards people. His ability to scare away anyone that looked at him. However, that is usually only how deep people saw into him. But me? I saw him fully. I saw past all the nastiness that consumed and and saw what he truly was.
Beautiful.
Because what is a human being without their flaws? I knew that the flaws of those around her, no matter how hideous they are, make people who they are. They make everyone individual and their own person. And a being with flaws is a beautiful one. His flaws were the main reason I keep falling for him, and not some measly prince who has their whole life handed to them with a gold crown. I liked him, flaws and all.
Randhir was staring at me, waiting for me to say something but I was at loss for words. No clue what to say. I knew for a fact that Randhir hates being pitied and saying "I am sorry" wouldn't really help. And saying "I understand" will feel as empty.
"You are disgusted by me aren't you?" Randhir asked his eyes sad when he realised I wasnt saying anything.
I put my hand on top of his, squeezing it a little. "No Randhir. Never. What you did was completely justified."
Randhir soft lips stretched into a smile but didn't quite reach his dark eyes. They were lit with sadness, and the forced expression of the contrary on his mouth would have looked comical to me if it didn't make my heart feel heavy. For a few moments I stared at him, almost sure his expression mirrored mine. It broke my heart. I didn't want him to leave. I didn't want to turn into a random image that floated in the pool of his memory. I didn't want to be the smile that squeezed his chest somewhere far away. I didn't want him to go. I wanted his smile to stay.
"I'm f**ked up." He said.
"We're all a little f**ked up. Somewhere inside." I whispered. "And it turns out I have got room for one more troubled soul!"
Randhir smiled again and this time it was a full smile, the one I was longing for for such a long time. His smile is a ray of sunshine, and I am a sunburn. "Thank you."
I dint understand why he said it. Was he thanking me for listening was he thanking me for not thinking badly of him? Or both? Whatever it was, I dint ask; He rarely uses this phrase afterall.
I breathed out a laugh and my eyes got caught in Randhir's. He watched me his eyes narrowing again as if he was trying to find something that he hadn't quite decided on yet.
I couldn't remember what we were talking about here. All I knew was that Randhir's gaze felt especially hot and my heart started pounding rapidly (Oh come on! Stay inside your rib cage, will ya?!). I had to break eye contact, so I trained my eyes on my hand.
"What is your favourite colour." I blurted and mentally slapped myself.
Randhir was taken aback, thats for sure but he answered nonetheless. "Um its white"
I laughed looking up again. "Really? I hate that colour."
Randhir faked a gasp. "How dare you! I look hot in white!"
"You look hot in everything!"
It took me a moment to realize what I just said. I was certain I saw a flicker of a smile on his face but I felt numb. I could feel my cheeks heat up, especially in the place his lips had just left and I stopped blinking, I stopped breathing, lets just say I stopped doing everything in general. I never meant to say it out loud, at least not to him. A fiery blush worked its way up my face and then I did even more stupidest thing. I opened my mouth and my rambling began.
"Uh I didnt mean it that way, I swear! It was just um I think you look hot in every colour, not that I actually check you out or anything. I mean I don't check out straight guys. Oh wait no did it sound like I called you gay? Because that wasn't my intention. I just meant hot guys mostly turn out to be gay, take for instance neil patrick harris or matt bomer. Now they are hot, but sad they are not straight. Well not like they would go for me even if they weren't. Or would they? I never really pondered about it. Would you go for me if you were gay? Not that I'm calling you gay, but even if you were I wouldn't have mind because you know how the world can-"
I stopped rambling (I dont know if that's a good thing or bad). Why you ask? Because Randhir just planted a kiss on my cheek. My eyes widened. It was a simple cheek kiss, but it was one that made my heart beat a million miles at hour; The one that left me weak at the knees; one that made my brain freeze. It was in this moment that I realized I love him.
"Lets go before you start rambling again." Randhir laughed and stood up, dusting his backside. He motioned me to follow him back down and then started walking towards the door but I just sat there- stunned, wide eyed. The realization hit me harder than the cold water and I just couldn't left it unsaid. I couldn't bear this feeling of not knowing what he felt. Maybe its my hormones driving me crazy or possibly my heart, but whatever it was, made me stand up and filled me with confidence. I don't know what would be Randhir's reaction, and at that particular beautiful moment, I didn't care at all. I just had to say it...
"I like you Randhir." My voice was barely above a whisper and with the sound of the wind, I thought it faded away but I realized it didn't when Randhir came to a halt. I wanted to confess that I've fallen in love with him but in my heart I knew it wasn't the right time. I already had randhir running away two times, I don't want him fleeing again for good.
My heart was in my mouth as Randhir slowly turned around and it felt like I was watching some slow chic flick, where the hero rushes towards the heroine in slow motion accompanied by the violin and wind, but it wasn't and only in a matter of second, Randhir was standing in front of me. I don't know what I was expecting from him, probably some yelling or loosing his cool, but it turned out quit the opposite. Randhir smiled. The smile I've fallen so hard for. "You really think I don't know that?"
His smile reminds me of an angel. Not that I've seen one but after reading stories and watching castiel in supernatural, I came to a... Wait what did he just said?!
I choked on my own spit, my heart really was coming out now! It took me a moment to find my voice. "W-what?"
Randhir brushed a strand of hair from my face and breathing turned rapid and shallow. I can feel my pulse pounding in my temples. "I'm not stupid. You ignoring me after that night made me doubt if you have started hating me but then Parth told that he's ignoring Vidushi because he likes her." (Wait what? Ok we are definitely coming back to this topic later on!) "Even though I dint think about it too much, I started observing you more and I noticed how you would blush everytime I looked at you and i'm not gonna lie but sometimes I used to do things to make you blush.. you just look really cute." OH. MY. GOD. Am I still breathing? I must be cause I can feel it getting increase with Randhir's each words. HOLY MOLY. What is happening? I think my lungs gonna give out and I'm gonna die. Is this for real? The guy who I've been crushing actually knew about it? Not to mention he called me cute?! Oh I think I just died and went to heaven.
Randhir laughed at my expression continued taking my hand in his. "My doubt became absolutely clear when we went to play pool and you got jealous of a 30 year old causing you thought that old lady was hitting on me."
I freed my hand from his grasp and held it up."In my defence she looked really really hot. I'd tap that if I were a guy. I mean did you looked at her body? Woohoo!"
Sanyu, are you sure you are not gay?
Randhir laughed and planted a kiss on my forehead and then hand in hand we started walking towards the terrace door. I smiled despite myself, feeling the skin where his lips were just a minute ago, burn like they were on fire. The humidity of my heart increased rapidly. There's no looking back, i've fallen in love with a stern doofus and there's nothing I can do but love him with every ounce of my body as it tingles uncontrolibly.
Yes Randhir never responded to how he feels about me but I guess that's okay. It was my feelings that I wanted to put out in the open and I did. He didn't freak out or ran away so there's that. Besides he never even said no.
An: I'm gonna change the speech Sanyukta gives in the previous chap because I don't think it was that mean. And thank you for reading. I love you all sooo much.
Anupamaa
