Thrd 2:Sa-Va FF:Would I, Am I, How can I,Ya,I m hopelessly!UpdPt 39 - Page 7

Sanyukta woke up in the afternoon. She yawned and sat on the bed, tying her open hair in a lose bun. She got up from the bed and folded the blanket. She took a shower and headed off to lunch. She had not eaten anything for more than twenty four hours and was feeling giddy. The canteen mess had prepared biryani for lunch. She hogged on it even though it was tasteless. She recollected the awesome biryani which he had cooked, the first time she stayed at his place. After lunch, she sat on a bench in the garden and was staring into space. His thoughts again hovered in her mind. Randhir came to her and sat beside her.

Randhir: "Hey, wassup?"

She didn't notice, when he had come. Randhir tapped her shoulder to get her attention. She came out of her thoughts and looked at him.

Randhir: "Hey, yeh kya hua tumhare chehre ko?"

Sanyukta: "Umm...actually, I fell from the stairs."

Randhir: "Tum do theen dino se college kyu nahi aa rahi ho?"

Sanyukta: "Actually, I've injured myself badly. Also, I am too stressed out. So, thought of taking rest for some days."

There was total silence between them. Seeing Randhir, she was reminded of Vardaan's jealousy, which had eventually led to that horrible incident. She felt inappropriate to sit with him. She was scared that if Vardaan spotted her with him again, then he won't spare her this time. She got up from the bench, telling Randhir that she wanted to take a nap. While walking to her room,

Sanyukta: (Thinking) "What am I doing? Why did I get up from the bench? Why am I still so bothered about his jealousy? Oh god, I am totally going mad. Agra is the next destination for me. I need to call home."

She went to her room. She studied for some more time and she slept again. In the coming days, this had become Sanyukta's routine. She had become an owl. Thoughts about him hovered on her mind and scared her in the nights, not allowing her to sleep. Eventually being tired, she would pop up a sleeping pill early mornings and sleep for continuous six to eight hours, skipping her meals. She had stopped going to college. She had stopped stepping out of her room, except for dinner. Her phone had gone dead, and she was in no mood to repair it or buy a new one. She had reduced her communications with her friends to only the bare necessities. Any blind man would also make out, that she was in clear depression. Here, Vardaan was requested by the dean to come to college and take lectures of the classes. He was tied to his profession, to his duty. He was tired of giving sick and fake excuses to the dean for not taking lectures. He had decided of finishing his job of teaching and other duties for this year and then he would resign.

One fine day, Kaustuki got her a letter from the college. It was a letter, that mentioned that, Sanyukta was in the defaulters' list. She was not surprised at all. She knew she would come into it. She had to give an explanation to the head of the department in writing, the reasons for not attending the lectures. Kaustuki knew her friend was badly in need of help. She immediately called Sanyukta's mother through her phone.

Kaustuki: "Hello, Aunty. Main Kaustuki bol rahi hu, Sanyukta ki friend."

Sanyukta looked at her in disbelief.

Kaustuki: "Wohh kya hai na, aunty ki Sanyukta ka phone toot chukka hai, isiliye woh aapko contact nahi kar paa rahi hai. Haa, yehi pe hai, ussi se baat kijiye."

Sanyukta hesitated to talk. She held the phone and started speaking. She went out of the room in the corridor. She spoke with her mother for about an hour, crying many times in between. She was really missing her family, her home. She spoke with her father as well. She had tears in her eyes. She bid them good bye and went to her room.

Sanyukta: "Kaustuki, thank you. Really, thank you so much. You have no idea how much I wanted to talk to my mother."

Kaustuki: "Of course, I had an idea, which is why, I directly called her."

They hugged each other.

Sanyukta: "You know what Kaustuki, I am indebted to you. Kuch bhi maang le, main de dungi."

Kaustuki: "Pakkaa? Kuch bhi?"

Sanyukta: "Haa yar. Kuch bhi."

Kaustuki: "OK. So, I want you to come to college everyday, and attend all the lectures."

Sanyukta: "What? That's not possible."

Kaustuki: "What not possible? I hope you know, that you are in the defaulters' list. Teri attendance almost zero hai yar. You know, what will be the consequences. You won't be allowed to sit for the exams yar. Tera saal barbaad ho jaaega. Why don't you understand?"

Sanyukta got silent, as she was comprehending each and every word that Kaustuki had uttered. She mentally, hit her head.

Sanyukta: (thinking) "Arey yar, yeh ek nai musibat. Main college kaise jaa sakti hu? Waha who bhi hoga...Main kaise unke saamne jaau? Kaise unhe face karu? Oh god!!"

Kaustuki: "Sanyukta, I am talking to you. What are you thinking? Look, there is no other alternative. If you want to save your one year, then you have to attend all the lectures."

She had to admit that Kasutuki spoke sense. After a lot of thinking, she finally decided to attend all the lectures, sitting on the last bench. She agreed and Kaustuki smiled. She studied for some more time and headed off to bed early. After all, she had to get up early the next day. She tried to sleep by forcefully shutting her eyes, but the moment she shut her eyes, all she could see was him. Tossing and turning for hours, she finally slept at 4 AM.

The girls got ready and headed for college. Sanyukta went to the canteen first as she was hungry. She ordered an omelette sandwich. She recollected the awesome omelette sandwich she had eaten in Vardaan's home. She had to agree that he was a good cook. She was slowly eating it and didn't realize that it was time for the lecture. She quickly finished her breakfast and ran to the classroom. She reached near her classroom, and through the window, she saw Vardaan entering the class. Her feet were frozen to the spot. Tears again came running to her eyes. She turned back, thinking she cannot do this. But, the whole defaulters' list drama and Kausuki's words rung in her head. She saw him turn towards the board to write something and she thought, that this was the perfect time to just enter and silently go and sit on the last bench.

She slowly tip toed into the class and Randhir waved at her. She smiled at him, went to the last bench and silently sat down in a corner. She opened her bag and removed a notepad. He turned towards the class and he instantly spotted her. She looked really weak. The glow from her face had vanished. She looked really pale. Her eyes looked swallowed and she had got dark circles. She did not sleep for many nights. The twinkle in her eyes was lost. He kept staring at her and he was in tears. He quickly turned towards the board and wiped them. She still did not have the courage to look at him. Her gaze was fixed to the ground and everywhere else, except at him. He again turned to the class, particularly to look at her. Her flicks fell on her face and she tucked it behind her ears. The same sight, which he had been longing to look at. He skipped a heartbeat at this. Sanyukta knew that he was looking at her. Tears fell from her eyes onto her face and onto her book. Vardaan's felt as if his heart was broken in pieces. He felt choked to see her cry. He gulped the saliva inhaled deeply.

Vardaan: (thinking) "Sanyukta, I really want to apologize. I know it's of no use and of very less value, too little and too late. But, still I am sorry. Look at me. For once, look at me Sanyu!"

She wiped her tears and looked at Kaustuki, towards the window and gradually towards him. She had a concerned look on her face. He looked as if he had not slept since many days and many nights. His eyes had gone red. He had not shaven his stubble since many days. His hair was totally unkempt. His clothes were not ironed. He resembled a total prisoner. His forehead was bandaged and he had bandages on his fists as well.

Sanyukta: (thinking) "What? What has happened to him? Did he fight with somebody? Or did he meet with an accident? Hmm...that's not my concern. It's his life and he is an adult and mature. No, I have serious doubts on his maturity. Let him do whatever he wants, for all I care."

The concerned look on her face changed. She angrily averted her gaze from him and flared her nostrils looking here and there. That did not go unnoticed by Vardaan. The class was confused with his behaviour. It was almost twenty minutes since he had entered in the class, yet he had not commenced his teaching. They started talking amongst themselves. Vardaan was brought to the present by the commotion. He quickly cleared his throat and resumed to teach.

Painstakingly and absentmindedly, he finished his lecture making many mistakes, and rushed out of the class. Sanyukta had gone breathless and heaved a sigh of relief as soon as he left. He went to his cabin and closed the doors. He sat on his chair, keeping his legs on the table. She was constantly on his mind. And today, after what seemed like an eternity, he finally saw her. He felt contented as well as sad, looking at her state; the state to which he had reduced her to. He started smoking thinking about her. He suddenly remembered something. He opened a drawer and picked her earring. He recollected the first time she had fallen on him accidently on the corridor. She looked scared. After all, it's no less than a shock to find that the person whom you've insulted badly, turns out to be your professor. He smiled looking at it. He recollected that she looked really beautiful in these small earrings. But, he was brought to present by the dean, who had come in to discuss something regarding the defaulters' list. Vardaan took the sheet from Dean to sign it. He was not surprised to see Sanyukta's name in it. She was not to be blamed at all. He was the one responsible. He wanted to see Sanyukta, to talk to her, to again hold her face and apologize to her. But, he knew, she never even would want see his face.

The day passed by and Sanyukta never got up from her place. The lectures for the day got over and she got up to leave. She was walking on the corridor, when she spotted Vardaan coming from the opposite direction. She lowered her walking speed, looking at him. For a moment, she forgot everything. He adjusted his specs and looked ahead. She was walking aimlessly towards him. Her eyes were glistening with fresh tears. He got a lump in his throat, and he inhaled heavily. They came near each other and he stopped. He opened his mouth to say, "Sanyukta, I...". She did not hear him at all. She passed by him ignoring him totally. She climbed the ladders quickly to go to the library. He turned to see her run. She rushed to the washroom and splashed water on her face, to eradicate her thoughts. She recollected the incident when she by mistake entered the men's washroom. She was tired thinking about him. The more she was trying to move on, the more he would come in front of her. He was everywhere, in her thoughts, in her mind, in her dreams, in the college, everywhere. She had to find a solution to this. Just then she got a mail in her cell phone. She got a mail by the CR of the class. It was the exam time table. She went through it carefully and rushed to the library thinking that she had to focus on only studies now.

In the next days, her only focus was studies. Vardaan was unsuccessful in getting a moment to apologize. She was the best at ignoring him. She behaved as if he didn't exist in the college nor in her life. He came to know that her phone number had changed and she didn't even bother to share the new number with him. Of course, he was expecting too much from her. Finally, he wrote a note and stealthily placed it her bag, when nobody was noticing. After some time, in the lecture, she opened her bag and found the note. It read, "I want to talk to you. I am dying every moment. Please come on the terrace tonight at 8 PM. For the last time." She was about to crumple the note and tear it into pieces. But, she opened the note and read the last sentence again. She felt choked. "What does he think of himself? Why should I obey his orders? I won't go." She crumpled it and kept it in her bag again. The day got over and she was in her room studying. The clock had struck 8:20 PM. In no time, she was out of her room, proceeding towards the college terrace. On the way, she borrowed a knife from the canteen staff. She was not so foolish to trust him again. Fortunately, the elevator was working and she reached to the terrace. Slowly, opening the gates, and looking left and right, she went in, hiding the knife behind her. She saw him standing near the wall. She cleared her throat to indicate him that she had arrived. She was standing at a distance from him and had no guts to look at him. He turned and was contented to see her. He was fidgeting.

Vardaan: "Sanyukta, Huhh...umm...nice weather."

Sanyukta: (snapping back) "I don't have time. Come to the point. Why have you called me here."

He took a few steps closer to her and she immediately stepped backwards. Vardaan stopped realizing he had lost her trust completely. Fresh tears fell from her eyes.

Vardaan: "Sanyukta, I called you here to... I am sorry. I shouldn't have done that. It's my mistake..."

Sanyukta: "Sorry? Just a mistake? You clearly have no idea what I have gone through."

Tears fell from her eyes.

Vardaan: "No. Not a mistake. A crime. I should have trusted you. I was so buried in my insecurity, that I lost my senses. I know, I have hurt you in the most inhuman way possible. I can understand, you might have gone through so much pain. Please, I am sorry. I know it's impossible for you to forgive me. And believe me, I am not asking for one. I just called you here, coz I badly wanted to apologize. I know, that I am a very bad person..."

He turned back. Sanyukta couldn't hear anymore and she went away from the spot crying to her hostel.

Vardaan: "I've totally let you down. That is why, I am leaving FITE. I am resigning, soon after this semester. After this semester, you'll be in your final year. Just one year more, and a world of opportunities is waiting for you. And..."

He again turned back and saw that she was not there. She had gone. He sat on the floor resting his back on the wall and smoking, thinking about her. She ran to her room thinking, "No, Sanyukta, you can't look back now. He was a bad chapter in your life. Move on girl. Move on." She went in her room and immersed herself in her books. The next day, Vardaan went to the Dean's cabin.

Vardaan: "Dean, I wanted to discuss something with you."

Dean: (Smiling) "Vardaan, Good morning naam ki bhi koi cheez hoti hai."

Vardaan did not smile. The Dean realized that something's serious.

Vardaan: "OK. I wanted to tell you, that I am resigning. Actually, I am leaving FITE."

Dean was shocked and he stood up from his seat.

Dean: "What? Par kyu? Kuch hua hai kya? Koi issue hai kya? Salary issues hai toh, we can resolve that."

Vardaan: "No salary issues Dean. It's something personal."

Dean thought, "Jaha tak main Vardaan ko jaanta hu, iss ki koi personal life hai hi nahi. And he is stating the reason of personal issues. Strange."

Vardaan: "I just came here to inform you about this, since there is a notice period of one month. I'll email you my resignation letter soon enough."

Saying this he stormed out of the cabin. Dean was tensed. Vardaan was the best professor in the college and this will surely affect the college badly. After a few days, the exams stared and the students were super busy with them. Vardaan had requested the dean to not inform anything to the students about his resignation. The exams lasted for two weeks. The students were relieved including Sanyukta, thinking that she would finally head home. Vishushi was passing through the Dean's cabin when she heard his screaming voice. She looked left and right, to check if anybody was there. She kept her ears on the door to clearly hear his voice. He was talking to some trustee.

Dean: "Samajhta kya hai yeh Vardaan. Har tareeke se samjhane ki koshish ki. Par maan hi nahi raha. Triple salary offer ki hai maine. Par nahi, FITE chod kar jaane ki rat laga rakha hai. Yeh dekhiye, uska resignation letter. Ab iss ka kitna bura asar padega. Kaha se laaenge Vardaan jitna accha professor."

Vidhushi was shocked hearing this.

Vidhushi: (thinking) "What!!! Ohh No. Vardaan Sir has resigned. Unbelievable. Mujhe yeh baat sabko bataani hi padegi."

She took out her mobile and messaged everybody. Sanyukta reached her room to start packing her stuff. She found an envelope on her bed. There was nothing written on the envelope. She tore it and started reading the letter.

Sanyukta,

"Shayad yeh akhri baar tumhara naam pukar raha hu, aur shayad likh bhi raha hu. Yeh haq main bohot pehele kho chukka hu. Uss din humari baat adhuri hi reh gayi, aur main jaanta hu tum mujh se koi baat nahi karna chaahthi, isiliye, yeh letter likh raha hu.

Main jaanta hu ke maine bohot bada gunha kiya hai. Tumne mujh par itna bharosa kiya aur woh maine ek hi pal mein tod diya. Tumhe bohot dard hua hoga.Tum poori tarah se toot chuki hogi. I should have trusted you. I should have trusted the girl who had the guts to love a man, very elder to her. You were ready, to leave your whole world for me, for my happiness. And, I snatched away your happiness. You trusted me at every stage, even in case of Niharika. And, I just doubted you character over a silly laugh between friends. That night, my insecurity killed my common sense. Believe me, main toh shayad pagal hi ho gaya hu. Saara din, saari raatein tum hi tum hi dikhai deti ho. Main us haadse ke agle din, tumhare kamre mein aaya tha. You were sleeping, and you were in a very bad condition. I died a million deaths looking at your condition. I silently cried collapsing on my knees, next to your bed. It's just impossible to face myself. I feel a lump in my throat and choke everytime I see you. My heart reminds me that I am such a horrible person. Your eyes always glisten with tears twenty four hours and I feel like killing myself. It's all my mistake. I do not expect forgiveness from you at all. I don't deserve you. In fact, I don't deserve to be loved by anybody.

So, I've taken a decision. I have resigned from FITE. I am leaving to America, the next week. Everytime, I come near you, you might be reminded of that dreadful night. I don't want you to look back. Think of me as a very bad chapter in your life and get over it soon. I know, it's very difficult but I also know, you are a strong girl and you will. After the vacation, you'll be in your final year. And after that, a world of opportunities is waiting for you. I want you to achieve a good career, dream, imagine, fall in love with a person who will love and respect you, dance madly, click crazy poses, talk constantly, laugh loudly, sing your favourite songs, wonder late nights, eat all the junk foods, break the rules, be impulsive, make your own philosophy, always smile and make others smile, enjoy your life to the fullest. In short, I want you to be back again to the same old Sanyukta Agarwal from Delhi.

Once again, I am sorry. And, one more thing, I'll miss you.

--Vardaan Suryavanshi"

She cried while reading the letter. Drops of tears fell on the letter. There was a lump in her throat. Just then Vidhushi banged opened the door. Sanyukta turned and hid the letter behind her.

Vidhushi: "Tumhe pata hai kya. Abhi abhi main dean ki baatein sunke aa rahi hu. Vardaan Sir has resigned."

Sanyukta did not get shocked as she had already read it in the letter. Kaustuki came from behind her and was stunned to hear it. She quickly sent a message to her entire class to assemble in the classroom. Sanyukta told them that she was not well and she stayed in the room itself. Vidhushi announced to the entire class the sad news and soon the news spread like wild fire. The students assembled outside the Dean's cabin to ask him. And he was not ready to answer the queries of the students. They gathered outside Vardaan's cabin. Vardaan opened the door hearing the commotion. He was bewildered hearing their questions.

Boy1: "Sir, is it true that you have resigned?"

Girl1: "Sir, please don't go. You are the best professor in this college. You can't leave like this. Our careers are at stake."

Boy1: "That's not fair Sir. How can you go like this, in between. At least wait till the final year."

Their questions were endless and Vardaan was thinking about how the news had spread. He screamed at one.

Vardaan: "Everybody shut up. Just shut up. Yes, you have heard it right. I am leaving FITE. In fact tomorrow is my last day and nobody can stop me."

He shut the door in anger. The peon came near the students and cleared the crowd. The students were busy thinking of ideas to stop him. One of the students came with the idea of a hunger strike. Some of the students including Jiggy and Yoyo opposed it. But, a majority accepted it. It struck Kaustuki that Sanyuta might be knowing something more about Sir's sudden decision. She went to her room to ask Sanyukta.

Kaustuki: "Sanyukta, do you know anything about his resignation. I am sure Sir ne tumhe toh kuch na kuch bataya hi hoga, yeh resignation ke baare mein."

Sanyukta: "Actually Kaustuki, even I came to know through Vidhushi. And he has stopped discussing his decisions with me a long time back. We...we broke up."

Kaustuki was shocked hearing this. She arranged the puzzle pieces one by one, recollecting the sudden change in Sanyukta's behaviour since the last two to three months.

Kastuki: "What? Really? Par kyun?"

Sanyukta went near the window and wind was blowing her hair.

Sanyukta: "Yeh sawaal naa hi pucho toh behtar hai."

Kaustuki went out of the room. The students had sat on the ground with placards in their hands. Some, outside the Dean's cabin and some outside Vardaan's cabin. Vardaan came to know about the drama and stormed out of his cabin. His eyes searched for her. But, she was nowhere to be seen. She was not a part of this drama. He took his bike and drove home. The students had not eaten anything the whole day. They were not even ready to listen to the Dean nor to the trustee. They did not even go to their rooms at night. They sat in their positions, even in extreme cold. The Dean called Vardaan at night, explaining him the situation. But, he simply cut his call. The next day Vardaan, came to the college to collect his stuff. He saw the students sleeping on the ground, some outside the Dean's cabin and some outside his cabin too. They were really very tired. He put all his stuffs in a box, all the important files, documents, books, including her earring. Before leaving, he had a final look at his cabin. He had spent some wonderful moments here, professional as well as personal, with her. He got nostalgic and wiped his tear. The Dean came in his cabin.

Dean: "So, you've finally decided?"

Vardaan: "Yes Dean. And, my decision is irrevocable."

Dean: "I know. I know."

They hugged each other.

Dean: "May you have a good life ahead. All the best. But, before leaving, can I ask you for a favour?"

Vardaan: "Of course. Tell me."

Dean: "Please explain to the students to stop this protest drama. You've seen their condition."

Vardaan: "OK. Come."

They proceeded to the ground where the students were sitting.

Vardaan: "Good morning everybody. Arey, itna thanda response. I said Good morning every body. (Everybody responded wishing him back). Good. Let me ask you all; what the hell are you guys trying to prove? Yeh hunger strike pe baithke tum logo ko lagat hai, ke tumne bohot bada kaam kiya hai. Kya yehi sab karne FITE aaye the? Kya yehi sab karne, tumhare parents ne tum par paise kharch kiye hai. Haa? Bolo? OK. I got this one reason, that I am playing with your careers? Really? Are you guys so damn dependent on me? Kal ko tum sab, pass out ho jaaoge. Top companies mein rahoge. Waha main nahi rahunga. Tab kya karoge tum sab? Believe me, it's not good to be dependent on anybody. Take your life in your own hands. Prove to yourself, that you can and will do the best even without me."

His gaze went upwards and he saw her looking at him from her hostel room window. She had tears which he could not see coz of the distance. He thanked god for giving him this last look of hers. He can live his entire life holding onto this look. He continued saying,

Vardaan: "And as far as I am concerned, I have a million happy moments with FITE, that I can cherish. I can never forget this institute. It not only gave me a career but also loads of happiness. All you students were my biggest support, in all these years. Thank you for providing me an opportunity to prove myself to you. You all will always be present in my good memories. Good bye everybody."

He choked while telling this and looked at her. She was still on her window. He hugged the dean once again, waved at the students and drove off. Sanyukta cried in her room.

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I don't know about you all, but I got emotional typing that letter. This is the first time since I've started writing this FF. Wait, don't you dare shuffle back. Sroll down. Surprise for you all.