I don't know what made me type this down. I have no idea why I gave this a thought. May be, I always wondered regarding this. I am not sure. Yet here I am, with another thought, and another OS. The thought that would play an important role in many people's lives. Battle between love and friendship, fear of losing one and decision of loosing one. I heard stories regarding this, I heard their pain, I heard their ends.
This OS goes out to the two men in my life… my fiance, and my brother
Without them, I would never be able to write any of my stories
Without them, I would never be able to write this particular OS
My strength, my weakness, my love, my life… the reason of my existence
Thank you guys, for being as a unit and being there for me.
Vanhi
___________________________________________________________________________
It's All Coming Back To Me
September 2009
Mumbai
"I don't give a damn about your comfort, Aman," he hissed into the Bluetooth, ignoring the concern gaze that followed him from his left, "I want you to complete that f**king project in an hour."
Disconnecting the call, he turned on the radio, passing her the silent message that he was not in a mood to talk to her. He was tired in explaining things, making her understand, and finally gave up. He wanted a peace of mind and that was hard for her to provide him. He was tired in understanding her. He simply did not want this at that moment. Unbuttoning the first two, he loosened his tie, threw it on the back seat and turned the wheel only to be halt with a sudden brake when he noticed something in his way.
There were nights when the wind was so cold
That my body froze in bed
If I just listened to it
Right outside the window
"Why don't you slow down and talk to me, Arnav?"
The hurt in her voice was clear and so was the tears welled up in her eyes. He hated tears and he hated to be the reason in her life. He loved her, with his heart, but his love was not enough to accept her. Heck, he never wanted to have them in that way. He never wanted to look at her in that way. She was his best friend's little sister for crying out loud. Their families built their friendship from years and so Dhruv and him, and in the same way their little sisters – Khushi and Anjali.
Dhruv treated Anjali as his own sister and he always addressed that the girls were their sisters. Arnav always tried to tell that he was not looking at Khushi in that way and that he was harboring romantic feelings for her but whenever he tried to voice his emotions, he would face such a situation where his friendship would shut his mouth. Dhruv was important for him to lose his friendship. But Khushi was important in the same way. The fact that Khushi reciprocated his feelings made things complicated.
"There is nothing to talk about," he said as calmly he could as possible, "I am not going to change my decision regarding us. I have my options clear."
He heard her sigh and fixed his eyes on the steering wheel. She was not going to come in terms with him and he was not going to accept her request. "Why don't you understand this?" she demanded for answers, "it is marriage, Arnav. Bauji is never going to accept my decision without voicing the reason. In fact, none of our family members are going to accept it."
He faced her with his eyes stared her with utter disbelief. "I can't believe you are worrying about our families in this way, Khushi," he stated with an irritated chuckle, "don't you know that no one is going to hear you out in this matter. Come on Khushi, think about this in my view. We grew together and our families love us but not US. They can never accept if you said that you have feelings for me. That is disgusting, Khushi. Dhruv is not going to accept it and it is dangerous that I lose my friendship with him. I can't betray my friend." He shook her by her arm, "Khushi, what's wrong with you?"
He fisted his hand and hit the wheel as a lone tear betrayed her. He reached out for her but she held back, stopping him. "You are right, it is me who is being insane," she snapped back at him, "it is me who is forcing you to love me."
"Khushi…" he flinched at her words and voice, "I never said that. I love you, Khushi, and I will never stop loving you. It is just, not in that way you expect me to love you."
"Why is the difference?" she shouted, pushing his hands off her. "You tell me what am I supposed to think. It is always love between us, Arnav. I accept that Bhai is not going to accept you for me right away but he is not going to reject your friendship. He might be upset but he will talk to us. He will ask us the whole truth. And the truth is, you never saw me as your best friend's sister or in any other lame light. It has always been love for me, Arnav. Why is that so hard for you to accept that you love me in the same way I love you?"
Without a word, he started driving towards her home. He was not going to make her see his point and fear. He knew he could never do that. He could never marry her. Halting in front of her mansion, he faced her and uttered his next and final words that killed their hearts. "I don't love you in that way, Khushi. I can never ever see you in that way. You are Dhruv's little sister and I will treat at you in the same way he treats my sister as he expects that from me. We can never happen. I suggest you to accept the fact that it is just a crush for you on me and nothing more."
There were days when the sun was so cruel
That all the tears turned to dust
And I just knew my eyes were
Drying up forever
And he knew before she spoke her final decision. That they were done. That she was not going to back off from their argument. That he was not going to have this in his way. Her eyes said everything and her words lost those final layers of strings that they had been holding onto without leaving them. "That is it, then, Arnav. I am done. If you are adamant on not accepting your feelings within yourself, there is nothing more that I can do to make you see sense."
Saying that she left him, forever. Sighing, he followed her to inside to find the families waiting for them, as they mentioned. His eyes watched her as her father introduced her to an elder couple and a young man, couple of years younger than him. He watched her smile at the man, smile with the man. He watched her talk animatedly to the man. He watched her silent threat and he knew she was adamant in doing that. It was not a surprise to him, he had known from the second he said those words back in the car, but it hurt. It still killed. "I am ready for the engagement, Bauji," she announced with a tight smile, looking at him with hope that he would change his mind. However, Arnav was not going to change his mind as long as she was stuck with the whole love thing. He stepped back, and she understood, just like him, that they lost their chance forever.
***~***~***~***~***~***
November 2012
North Carolina
Khushi drummed on the steering wheel as her head bobbed out of the window, feeling the wind on her face. The lyrics filled the air around her, along with her friend's gloomy face. She laughed, watching her friend of three years. The girl was having a hard time to cope up with her break up. It was not her first but she had hoped that her affair with him would be lost a month in the least. Now, they were having a girl's night out to make her mood better with the party. The rest of the gang was at the night pub, waiting for them.
Victoria Justice's voice boomed from the speakers and Khushi sang along with it. 'And one day I'll have you begging on your knees for me…' she let another laugh and squeezed her friend's knee. "Come on, Charlotte, leave the f**king man and enjoy the night dear," Khushi suggested, her free hand pointed at the night ahead with a huge grin, "men don't deserve out tears." Of course, she thought again, men would never deserve women's tears. Bullheaded egoistic pigs that they were, they could never understand what a woman would go through. It was not the first time that she had come with such problem in her friends lives. In her three years stay, there were innumerous amounts of cases. All they need was something that women could never offer to give. "Only if they voiced their emotions that we can help them in any way, Char, but if they are adamant in not speaking, who the hell are we to force them into anything?" she questioned as she parked the car and faced her friend. "So what if he cheated on you? It kills, I know, but you should not have let him come to you in this way. Show him that you are not weak and make him realize what he lost in his life."
Charlotte nodded and smiled. "You are right, K. how the hell do you manage to have solutions for every single problem?"
Khushi lifted her head to watch the moon and sighed. "Sometimes, life just teaches something which is never said through words," she whispered but grinned, "come on, let's get you screw a man tonight. NK and I are going to stay back so the flat is all yours."
As she entered the pub, she was lost in that world – a world of enjoyment that she had no memories in her life until three years ago. It was the only place that she created for herself without holding back. She met NK at the foyer and they danced to the songs that busted through the speakers. His arm sneaked around her waist as he leaned into her ear. "You are sexy tonight, K," he whispered, making her giggle, "wanna join me for the rest, in any peaceful place?"
Pushing him away from the dance floor, she winked at him. "Isn't it obvious, Mr." she questioned him and found herself dragging out of the pub, into the cold night.
Her thoughts went back to the first time she met NK three years ago. Her family wanted him for her and she accepted, in the flick of anger that she was in. when she realized what she had done, she explained everything to NK and he, the gentle man that he was, smiled and hugged her, asking her to cry if she felt like to do. And he proposed something she could ever thought she would have. NK wanted her help to let his family off his back in return; he would show Khushi what the life was. She had accepted gladly, knowing that it was going to help her for the best. Life had given her a chance to live and she just grabbed it with open arms. She was a changed woman now. Gone was the nave girl who would follow her supposedly prince all the way and came a woman who would leave any person within seconds if that person gave her pain in any way possible. She had made mistakes, and she had learned from it.
I finished crying in the instant that you left
And I can't remember where or when or how
And I banished every memory you and I had ever made
The greatest mistake was that she fell in love with Arnav Singh Raizada, her brother's best friend or her best friend's brother. However, you call it…
"Are you ever going to move on?"
They reached his flat. Khushi shook her head, surrendering herself in his question but had not bothered to answer. She noticed the woman in the open kitchen with a frown and with a smile, walked up to her, hugging her side ways and made her sit on the chair. Bending over her belly, Khushi placed her palm while her ear rested few inches away from it. "I can't wait to have him in my arms, Lav," she said the same old line that she had been saying for 7 months now, "and you look so… pregnant."
"That's because I am, idiot," Lavanya hissed back and glared at NK as she shouted, "and you," pointing her finger, "are supposed to bring cheese but you are here with empty hands, Mr. Hubby. Or, do you want me to divorce you?"
With horror stuck face, he cursed under his breath. "I am so sorry, love, I really forgot but brought you my flavor of cheese. I bet you love it, you know."
"And what is this cheese called?" Lavanya asked with her brow rose in doubt, "where is it?"
With a smirk, NK sighed with a dramatic, "Ah," as he towered her on her seat when Khushi stepped aside, "it's called couple's cheese, darling." His mouth took hers in a huger yet gentle kiss while Khushi smiled at the couple deeply in love with each other.
Moving aside to give them the privacy, she attacked the food, settling herself on the couch with turning on the television with an action movie. She was not a movie freak but NK was. So, they always end up with it at the end of the weekend. She just preferred action to romance in her loveless life. Because she loved and lost. As they all say, love was nothing but pain and she realized the truth only after she experienced it.
Her mobile vibrated in her pockets and she sat straight, pulling it out to find 17 text messages waiting for her to read them. She knew all the contents in them, almost. Guys back from her work place and pub asking her whether she would like to have a company this weekend, and she didn't even bother to open them or reply. It was not her business. There was one from Charlotte saying that she found a handsome man and was trying to get his attention but he was adamant in avoiding her. The girl was asking her advice. She dialed her number when NK and Lav came back to her with whiskeys. Thanking them for the drinks, she spoke into the cell without any pleasantries, "if you like him, you will have to make sure you get him, Char. Do something, f**k him right there. And don't tell me the details, okay. Enjoy yourself; I am having fun time with the couple here." Ignoring giggles from her sides, she read the last message that she got from her brother saying that he would want to meet her tomorrow for breakfast and that he had managed a talk with NK. "You traitor," she shouted, pointing her fork at his chest, "you invited Dhruv over here?"
With a sheepish grin, he nodded his head. "I am sorry, Khushi, but your brother has been worrying about you. It had been a month since he came here but you avoided meeting. This is for the best, dear. You have no reason to run away from him."
"I am not running from him," she snapped but took a deep breath before looking at him, pointing her attire, "he will never accept me in this way, NK. My family will be upset with my change and I just don't want to face them yet." She knew she was giving a lame excuse. A very lame one. The truth was that she could never lie to her brother and he would press the reasons for her change. Shaking her head, she nodded rather to herself. "Avoiding is doing the same, hurting him in the same way," she whispered, "okay, NK. I will meet him."
***~***~***
He pressed his fingers on his temples as his head tilted above the ceiling with closed eyes. He was having a bad headache. He looked around the room, taking in its objects. After a week's stay, it was still hard for him to connect in the room, in the hotel, in the state… in the world. There was only place where he belonged without any hesitance and he successfully destroyed the place. Now, he was drowning in his loneliness. Only if he tried hard, he might not have this day.
He watched his friend running along the length of the room. Dhruv had reached the place a month ago and when he was unable to clear whatever problem raised, the man called him for the help and the good friend that he was, flew across the world for his friend. He had always been there for Dhruv in every step, and so the man for him. Though the friends had been in contact with each other, it was the first time that they met in past three years.
Turning on the morning news, he tried to push away his sinful thoughts that took him 22 years back. He met her for the first time when he was five. Covered with her mother's blood, the girl looked beautiful and he still remembered the excitement in Dhruv's voice.
God, Arnav… I have a sister now. Moreover, we share our birthdays. How great it is…! Know what, we will make sure our sisters are safe in their lives, and we will be the best brothers in the world.
It was his fault that he fell in love with that blood-covered beauty at that age. It was his fault that he felt protective towards her in a wrong way. It was his fault that he felt it was his right to protect her from every evil in the world. It was his fault to harbor feelings for the girl, when her brother clearly mentioned that she was a sister to him.
"Come on Arnav, get moving," Dhruv yanked him by his arm and made his way out of the room, "we need to be there on time."
Arnav did not bother to ask where they were going. He was fine with any place, as long as he was comfortable in his uncomfortable life. He waited for Dhruv to tell him. His mind went back to his last meet with her. After their conversation in that car, she had accepted to the engagement. Staying back and watch her with someone was something he could never accept. Therefore, he simply did what he was best in doing. He turned his back and left home for Chicago. When he got a call from Dhruv asking him to come to North Carolina, he flew to his friend without a thought. In these three years, he had realized how much he had missed in his life. He was living if breathing was what mattered to call a man alive. But he was dead when he lost her forever. He had not talked to his family much later; his conversations with Dhruv were always regarding business and a minimal personal. Arnav made sure he never asked or heard about Khushi.
He let Dhruv lead his way and found himself in front of a flat that had a nameplate saying 'Mr & Mrs Roy', black shiny italic letters on a glass plate that contrasted its pale white door. He opened up his mobile and went through his mailbox that his PA had mailed regarding few important documents. He listened to the pleasantries Dhruv having with a man and after what seemed like ages, Arnav forced himself to great the person, not wanting to be rude unnecessarily just for his friend. And he froze.
Arnav was not sure what he had expected but he was not looking forward to meet this man. He stepped back, unable to hold his ground. Memories of that day hit him with much force. The way Khushi laughed with the man and the way she announced that, she was ready to marry him… Arnav was not ready to meet her, lest be her as someone's wife. He loved her. He still does. He would die a f**king death if he stopped loving her. He would be damned if he let himself show it to her.
He followed Dhruv when he pulled by his arm, his heart out of his control. He was not sure which part in him was dominating the other – whether the part which longed to see her or the part which shouted at him to run away from her, just as he did all his life.
"Dhruv is here, love," the man shouted towards the room with a smile, "come here and meet him now, will you?"
He felt her come before he heard the door creak open. He breathed to be normal and heard a gasp from his friend. The man continued, as Arnav felt a shadow on him while the person sat beside the man, "shut your mouth, Dhruv. She is your sister… changed a little." Arnav was sure that the person was not Khushi. He would identify her shadow. Forcing, he looked at the man to find a dusky complex, pregnant woman, beside him and the man had his hands on her. "This is Lavanya," the man spoke to him with a tight jaw, "my wife."
Arnav felt his dead world collapsed under his feet when the man's words hit him. Hard. He was sure that the man was the one whom Khushi accepted to be engaged. Shocked and confused, he faced Dhruv and followed his gaze to find his world standing few feet away from him; her eyes opened wide, and fixed on him.
He stared at her, forcing back the memories that were killing him. He wanted to go, hug her and never let her go. He wanted to confess his love. He wanted to love her, kiss her, and have babies with her. He just want her. However, he stopped himself from those thoughts. How could he see his future with her when he was adamant on not having her in his life in that way?
But when you touch me like this
And you hold me like that
I just have to admit
That it's all coming back to me
When I touch you like this
And I hold you like that
It's so hard to believe but
It's all coming back to me
He then watched her. The real her. She had changed and he… hated it. Her almond eyes with that hazel shade lost its innocence. Her nose had no nose-ring that he loved the most in her. Her natural lips filled with rusted maroon. Her tank top that ended few inches above her waistline, exposing ample amount of her cleavage and belly button and her bottoms were shorter that what she wore on her third birthday, hardly reached below her hips. What caught his attention was that colorful hues of bright red, orange and mustard that peeped on her waist on her right. A tattoo.
"What the f**k is this?" he roared, not checking his control, forgetting everything and everyone as he marched to her and pulled her to him by her arm. "What the f**k is wrong with you, Khushi?"
Khushi pushed him with all her might and walked to her brother without bothering to answer him. He had no right whatsoever to question her in any way. "Hey Dhruv," she wished him and hugged, inhaling her brother's warmth after all these years who still was in shock to see her in that way. Yes, she thought with a smile, she was no more anyone's baby kid. She was 24 and a well-settled woman who could decide whatever she wanted in her life. "Nice to see you here," she said with a smile, "would you like to have some drink before breakfast? Coffee or beer may be…"
There were moments of gold
And there were flashes of light
There were things I'd never do again
But then they'd always seemed right
There were nights of endless pleasure
It was more than any laws allow
Baby baby
She watched her brother shook his head, his eyes cold and his jaw set in straight line with his lips pressed tightly. He fisted his hand at the small of her back. Looking at him, all she found was the similarities he had with Arnav. In her life, they would behave alike. Her actions would bring out the same reactions from them. She understood why Arnav never dared to confess his love near Dhruv. Their anger and emotions were same and if Dhruv did not like their love, he would just abandon his friendship and Arnav valued his friendship more than his love. "Do you care to explain about this f**king change, Khushi?" her brother asked, glaring at her in the same way Arnav did a while ago.
"Nothing is wrong with my change," she defended herself, stepping back as anger rose in her. "I like this change and I hope you understand that I am no more a kid, Dhruv." She said in stern voice. "I thought you guys always wished for my happiness. Then what's wrong with you now?" she asked both the men with a frown. She was fine in looking at Arnav as if he was nothing more than as her family friend. She looked at him. She was over him. In the past three years, she hardly remembered him. She succeeded in pushing his existence, locked it at the bottom of her heart, and threw the key somewhere. But the intensity he had in his eyes for her, they were unlocking her memories. He was stripping her faade, layer by layer, slowly yet deliberately. He was bringing back that old Khushi with his mere presence.
"If your happiness lies in this kind of life," her brother sighed at her and continued, "I have no right in questioning you, Khushi. Yes, you are no more kid and I can very well see that. However, that does not change my feelings for you. You are still a kid to me, no matter what. If you turned 90, you still would be a kid for us, dear." He pointed his finger towards Arnav as he said, "we will always think our sisters to be our kids, no matter what."
There were those empty threats and hollow lies
And whenever you tried to hurt me
I just hurt you even worse
And so much deeper
She shut her eyes at the words. She wanted to shout at her brother, at him, at the world, that he was not her brother but lover. She wanted to clear the misunderstanding. True, her brother always thought about Anjali, Arnav, him and her to be siblings. But it was his opinion. He treated Anjali as his sister because he felt it. Arnav treated her as his lover because he loved her in that way. Why was it so hard for him to understand?
Taking another step away from the men, she looked at NK who blinked his eyes, comforting her in this mess. She was angry on Arnav that he was not trying to fight for his love. She was angry and disappointed with Dhruv for not able to understand their love. She was angry on herself for letting her ego be the best in her. NK shook his head in warning, asking her to open up at that instant, confess that she was in love with Arnav to her brother but she was not going to do that. She made her way to her room without looking at anyone, ignoring his eyes on her.
Pulling out a yellow sundress, she made her way to change and get out of the place when she heard the door creaking to open. She knew who it was before she could see the person. As expected, she had been pulled by her arm with force. She did not flinch at the contact in pain. Her heart was bleeding that she felt numb in her physical pain. His eyes bored into hers with anger as he hissed, "why are you doing this?"
She laughed at him, her eyes never breaking his contact. How dare he to question her in that way? "what am I doing, Arnav?" she asked with a smile, "then I will tell you why am I doing if there are any reasons."
"Khushi," he called out in pain, "you know what I am asking. Do not do this, Khushi. Please do not to this. We can never happen in this lifetime. Why don't you just accept that and move on?"
But you were history with the slamming of the door
And I made myself so strong again somehow
And I never wasted any of my time on you since then
Her hand rose in contact with his cheek as she slapped, hard. "How dare you to question me, Arnav Singh Raizada?" she shouted, barely controlling her temper, letting the pain come all over again, "just accept and move on? Which fact should I accept and move on, Arnav? The fact that I love you…? The fact that you love me…? The fact that you are scared to accept our love…? Or the fact that he feels me as your sister? What the f**k is wrong with you, Arnav? It is Dhruv and our family that felt about us in that way but not us. No one expects us to behave as siblings when we f**king love each other. Even if they expect us, what is so hard in that to fight? Why can't you fight for our love? Why can't you accept our love? And you have the audacity to ask me to move on…"
"Khushi,"
"No Arnav," she stopped him, stepping back, "tell me one valuable reason why can't you tell Bhai that you love me?"
"That's because of me, Khushi."
She turned around to find her brother looking at them in guilt. She lowered her eyes; her hand gripped his in fear that her brother would get them all wrong. His hand covered hers, pushing himself in front of her, facing his friend. Dhruv continued, "I never found the concept of falling in love with best friend's siblings worthy and thought if that did not work out then the whole friendship would be lost. Arnav is way too important for me to risk our friendship and how and when, I had no idea, but I started noticing Anjali in real sense and I was… am afraid that my feelings for her would unsettle our friendship. So, in order to avoid that, I started addressing you as our sister and all that crap in hope that I would stop fantasizing her but it isn't working. It never worked and I did stop addressing her in that way but in your matter, it turned to be out of habit. I took Arnav and me as single unit and made this huge mistake. I am so sorry, I have no idea about you two or else I would never ever do such a thing."
Khushi stared at her brother with her chin dropped to the ground while Arnav stared at him as if he had received another slap. "Wait," he said, confused, "you love Anjali?" he asked and stepped forward when Dhruv nodded. "What the f**k? How can you do that and not say to me?"
Dhruv smiled sheepishly as he said, "what have you done till now, Arnav?"
Her brother left the room along with Lavanya and NK, leaving them alone, shutting the door. As she turned to Arnav, she could not help but laugh at his expression. He stared at her for a while before speaking, "I have been in love with you from ages and look at me now. I reacted violently when he confessed that he loves my sister." He held her arms as she stared at him, "this is what that stopped me, Khushi. This fear that Dhruv have been feeling… if I am not in love with you, I am sure I might as well manhandle him for his confession. Men really cannot help in such matters. We think this way. I am sorry for hurting you all these years…"
He claimed her lips in a kiss, pouring his love, pain, sorry in that one to which she responded in the same way. "I still didn't get what is your problem all these years," she confessed, looking at him, "but you accepted me at the end, and that is what really matters." And her mouth covered his…
If you forgive me all this
If I forgive you all that
We forgive and forget
And it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this
And when I see you like that
We see just want we want to see
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies
All coming back to me
I can barely recall but
It's all coming back to me now
***~***~***~***~***~***
I know, silly OS... but somewhere, there are men like Arnav and Dhruv in our world, and this is for such people... for such Khushi who suffered between these men...
Note:
Song credits goes to Celine Dion...
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