Longest update to this SS!! Happy Reading đ
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Dear Diary,
Found out that some years ago, something serious about my Dad's past had sprung up and it badly affected our home's atmosphere. Some woman had the audacity to suggest that my Dad had a son other than ME before he married Mum! Oh, the treachery! Oh, the fickleness! Frailty, thy name is woman.
The tension in the house was unbearable in those days. So much so that when Mum and Dad used to have their Rabba Ve's, I've heard it sounded more like 'Abba Ve, O Abba Ve'.
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I've got writer's block. This poem-writing stuff isn't as easy as you'd think. I'd like to ask NK Chacho for some help- he's wise in the ways of the world. Problem is, he can only remember the half version of his own name most of the time, bless him. The rumor's going around that Asmara's vocabulary is bigger than his, and all she can do is burp!
***
Guess what happened?? Lavanya Aunty came over for a visit with You-Know-Who! And by that I mean Sarah, not Lord Voldemort! These Potterheads! *shakes his head in exasperation*
Ahh! Did I detect a look of utter devotion and love in Sarah's eyes as she came running towards my cot?
Devi Maiya seemed to have hit the Slow-Motion button on her Control Panel as I stood watching her run towards me, transfixed by her beauty.
Despite the windows being shut and the curtains tightly drawn, the winds somehow managed to enter the room to play with her hair and I was mesmerized!
I stared blankly with a slightly open mouth as Sarah toddled towards me with such grace and elegance that it took my breath away! Her large brown eyes twinkling playfully, her dimples deepening as her smile widened and her thick black curls bouncing on her shoulders with each step set my heart thumping.
Dhak dhak dhak!
There goes my acidity problem once again! I think I'm in need for an appointment with my Doctor.
Her red frock fluttered in the self-generated wind and I couldn't tear my eyes away from her. And that's when I heard it. Faint in the background, a rap music began to play and I began bobbing my head and tapping my feet to the beat.
'Kiyon khuwabo me tou ati hai,
Dil kiyon dhak dhak kadta hai mera,
Kiyon acidity pecha nahi chodti,
Main explain na kar paoon naaa!
Kiyon Confusion hai itni,
Teray Ishq me?
Baby Ve, O Baby Veee!'
I watched as she bounced closer and closer making my heart flutter out of control but instead of stopping near me, she ran straight ahead into my Mum's arms squealing 'Mauchi'??
A loud 'What The' echoed in my head and I felt myself seething but then it also felt kinda good to know that there would be no future Saas-bahu fights in our house like all other households in India.
After hugging and kissing Sarah, Mum did her old trick of dumping us both in the Playpen along with Asmara and Anser while she went to gossip with Lavanya Aunty and give her tips on '101 Ways To Become A Perfect Bahu'.
Well, between you and me, I don't think these tips work considering how my Mum and Daadi never once manage to look eye to eye. Thank God Dad finally gathered enough courage to send her back to that Aashram. I know the people there must curse us for sending her back but I couldn't have cared less.
So being in the Playpen with Asmara and Anser meant that I didn't get to spend any quality time alone with Sarah cos Anser refused to leave us alone for a second. He is sooo his Anjali Bua's nephew! I don't know how my dad managed to stop himself from strangling Anjali Bua but I swear that this kid is going to get his blood on my hands if he continues on like this.
And yes, I too have seriously started believing that this house is cursed when it comes to romance!
***
Dad has found himself a new passion. Football!
No offense, but that game makes absolutely no sense to me. A bunch of full grown up men wearing shorts chase a ball all over the field for over an hour! I mean, what in the world is so damn interesting about that?
Actually I kinda feel sad for the guys too. Poor souls can't even afford to buy each of themselves a football each and they all have to share a single one. I seriously thank God that I'm Arnav Singh Raizada's son and have 5 footballs to my name alone...
Anyways, Dad was in a bad mood last night after watching one of his football matches. He said some unrepeatable things about the referee. I'm too shocked to write them down.
And he kept muttering his famous What the's every now and then, annoying the hell out of me. By the end of the match I was so sick and tired of hearing his half slang that I was really tempted to teaching him the full version of What the. But then, I don't think Mum wouldn't have approved of the 'F' word so I didn't.
Dad also kept mumbling something about 'a yellow card.' I'm not quite sure what that is but I can see why it must have upset him- yellow really isn't his color.
***
Had a bit of a fun conversation with Asmara and Anser.
Ashar: Hey kids, how's everything'?
Asmara: The usual dude. Just spent an hour playing with Dad. He kept sticking out his tongue to make me laugh. At least, I THINK it was to make me laugh. He does such childish things sometimes, bless him.
Ashar: Tell me about it! When I used to be your age, his favorite activity was crawling all over the room with me.
Anser: Bhai?
Ashar: Just shoot your question, kid!
Anser: Bhai, where do babies come from?
Another excellent question by the kid. This was going to be a fun topic.
Ashar: *smugly* Well, Mum and Dad got me manufactured from the most posh hospital in the country. But not everyone is that lucky.
Asmara: What do ya mean, dude?
Ashar: I mean, everyone doesn't come from a good hospital! Look at Manorma Maami for example. Such a big manufacturing mistake.
Asmara: *nodding intelligently* I see what you mean. So where did we come from?
I decided to pull their collective legs.
Ashar: Well, we brought Anser from the local Baby Market nearby.
Asmara: *skeptically* Baby Market?
Anser: *wide eyed* Bhai?
Ashar: Uh huh! We got him at a really decent price of 10 Rupees cos of Mum's excellent bargaining skills.
Anser: *awed* Wowww! I cost so much!
Ashar: Well I hate to break it to you kid but there actually are numbers greater than 10. You'll learn them once you grow up. I cost a 100 Rs! Mum and Dad almost got bankrupt when they purchased me!
Anser: *too awed to speak*
Asmara: And how much did I cost? I must have cost a fortune considering how much Dad loves me!
Ashar: No, actually you didn't! Dad loves you so much cos he downloaded you from internet on his laptop! *tries to keep a straight face*
I wish you had seen their faces! Its so fun much fooling kids! They believe everything so easily!
***
Manorma Maami has been in a really grumpy mood all day. She was invited to one of Maama Ji' foreign friend's party last night and she had spent ages getting ready. At the party, some bloke asked her, "Darling why are you dressed like this? Halloween was ages ago!"
I admit, it wasn't really the nicest thing to say to anyone.
***
Oh my God!! I'm so excited! Dad's organizing a huge fashion show and my Mum is going to be the Show Stopper. I can barely contain in my excitement. Drove my Baby Ferrari all day to celebrate.
***
Dad took me to his office today and to say I was shocked would be the understatement of the century.
His office was full of huge naked dolls!! He has named them all 'Dummies'. Stupid name!
My ego has taken a severe blow here. Never thought my Dad spent his day at office playing with dolls.
***
He's obsessed. The boy is obsessed. Do you know what he's doing now? He's designing new clothes for all his dummies himself!
When's he gonna learn some stuff? Dummies aren't cool, Daddio! Even I'm embarrassed to be seen with one and I'm only 3 years old!
***
The Fashion Show was a huge hit! Everyone was dying to take pictures with our family especially with Mum and Dad. I don't know why everyone's so interested in us anyway. Mum and Dad scrub up quite nicely, I suppose, but you should see them when they've just got up. Not a pretty sight!
But I must admit, I felt a proud lump rising in my throat on seeing my Mum and Dad being showered with so much love.
***
OMG!! I can't believe it! I just can't believe it!
Dad found my Secret Diary!!
I don't know how he managed to find it from under my cot. I'm guessing he's become an expert at finding hidden things ever since The Big Bad Evil Shyamo planted cameras all over the Raizada Mansion. Funny, I never thought of the Evil Shyamo as a camera man...
Anyways, somehow Dad managed to get his hands on my secret diary and can you even guess what he did? He showed it to Mum who squealed with delight before giving me a big kiss and swearing that I was going to be an ace student considering my love for writing at such an early age!
Dad looked at me proudly and bragged what else was to be expected from HIS son. Mum and Dad seem to inherit and disinherit me according to their whims.
And then Mum announced that she'll be keeping my diary with her Diary "101 Ways To Annoy Laad Governor" as a souvenir of my childhood.
And then can you even guess what Dad said? He asked her the wisdom behind keeping a diary in which I have just scribbled and doodled all over the pages!
Can you believe that? Dad found my writing illegible! Like his own writing is very good! From where does he think I've inherited this illegible writing from? Only from you, Daddio!
But on the other hand I'm happy they couldn't read my diary, otherwise they would've found out how I interrupted their Rabba Ve's on purpose.
So now my Mum has my Diary confiscated on the pretext that she'll keep it as a memory of my childhood and show it to me once I'm all grown up.
I'm writing this entry on one of the couple of pages I managed to tear out from the diary. I've decided that this will be my last ever entry.
People seem to be so interested about the happenings in Raizada Mansion that I can't risk my innermost thoughts being read my just anyone, especially by all those IF organization chicks who always have their beady eyes fixed on my family.
I've grown up now, and I've learned from my Dad that my life is for living, not for recording.
If anyone should pick up my diary and read it, don't take it to heart. I don't mean it when I say Dad's stupid and I don't mean it when I imply Mum's neurotic. Neither when I indicate that Manorma Maami's a walking talking Fashion disaster. (On second thoughts, Ummm... Scratch that, she is!)
I can't be the easiest dude in the world to live with- I reckon my Mum and Dad have done a grand job and I love them to bits...
And so, here ends the secret diary of Ashar Singh Raizada.
THE END
OH MY GAWD! Anjali Bua is expecting!!
And the weird thing is, while my Mum and Payal Mausi were expecting kids. Anjali Bua is expecting something called 'a set of twins'. I dunno but all this sounds terribly wrong to me.
And she looks like a bleedin' football! There I am, lying in my cot, minding my own business when a Pooja ki thaal started circling over my head and seriously I couldn't even see Anjali Bua's face cos of that protruding belly of hers from my lying position. I seriously don't know why women get so fat on hearing the news of getting babies. I mean, you never see Dads going fat over such simple news.
Everyone's absolutely ecstatic that now she's the one going through the 'Is Halat Me' Phase and now everyone's hell bent on feeding her every minute of the day.
To top it all off, Anjali Bua decided to play a cruel prank on poor Anser when he asked her why she was wandering around with a balloon stuffed over her shirt and while giggling her head off, she informed him that it wasn't a balloon, there were actually her 2 boys in there. Now the poor kid is distraught out of his mind and sacred stiff thinking how could Anjali Bua eat up her own kids?
And Anser being Anser, has shared this story with Asmara who starts freaking out every time Anjali Bua eats something that the kids are gonna suffocate under the weight of all the food she eats.
I can't believe Anjali Bua joked about such a thing to a kid!
To top all this off, NK Chacho has managed to find himself a wife who is even more of a goner than him when it comes to Hindi. NK Chacho speaks a word wrong and she somehow manages to break its leg even further in her attempt to correct him. You should see my Dad's face at those moments. Trust me, his expression is more pleasant when he is forced to drink Mum's Special Kadha.
What was I thinking of when I stopped writing my diary??? This house just gets odder and odder. I owe it to posterity to record their antics as I am, without a doubt, going to be remembered as the child growing up in the strangest house of one of the biggest celebrities in the eastern world.
History, here I come...
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Please Please Read the NOTE below Lazyleaves' Post!!! đł
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