OS - Confessions
He was awake long after she had fallen asleep holding his hand. However she was tossing & turning restlessly & he hesitantly pulled her closer. He felt her relax & hugged her completely so that she was sleeping in his arms. The change was drastic. He felt her body relax & her breathing become slow & even till she was fast asleep. Somehow this seemed to comfort him & he fell asleep immediately.
The early sun rays hit him lazily & he squinted slightly before taking in their disheveled appearance. They were tangled on the bed with Kushi literally lying on top of him. Not trusting himself & his hormones he loosened her grip on his shirt, slid out swiftly, got ready in record time & left silently.
She felt strangely bereft of warmth & comfort. She opened her eyes slowly & immediately took in the empty space beside her. He had left before she had woken up. She bit her lower lip disconsolately. Did he still distrust her? She knew that he loved her in his own quirky, self-destructive way but it was not just his love that she yearned for but his unflinching trust as well. She sighed & showered quickly. Before leaving the room she had thought up of ways to avoid Shyam & if required hurt him real bad so that he doesn't dare touch her again.
But it seemed to be her lucky day. It was Mami who announced the glad tidings that the creep would be away the whole week on a business trip. Was it her imagination or did Mami's eyes actually linger longer on her when hollering the news bulletin in the living room. Thanking her Devi Maiyya for providing a new ally in Mami she got busy with her daily routine but his thoughts haunted & tormented her throughout the day.
Why did he blow up one moment & next moment blow her away with his love. She just couldn't understand the enigma called ASR. If he suspected her of having an affair with his jeeju then why the heck did he marry her? He could have simply ruined her reputation the way he did in Lucknow & thrown her on the streets. He could have kicked that miserable low life out of his house & his Di's life. Instead of doing the two most logical actions you would have expected a tough cookie like ASR to do he had gone ahead & married her forcibly. What did he intend to gain from this. Was it an act of revenge by keeping her away from her lover. Was it an action of one-upmanship that he was playing with Shyam. Winner takes the spoils. Was she just a pawn in the power struggle between two men?
NOOO.
Her mind whispered & she was shaken by the strength in that inner voice of dissent. If it had just been a sexed up chess game with Shyam, Arnav could have simply taken her, claimed her as his yesterday. She was pliant, hell weak & compliant. She would have willingly consented & Arnav knew it, being an experienced man in matters of lust.
Then why dint he grab this opportunity. What did it prove about the man she loved?
MAN SHE LOVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey Devi Maiyya where had that thought come from? Hitting her right on the jaw taking her completely unawares! So that is what it had been all along. This acidity & Dhak Dhak & clamoring for his presence, his touch. He was like a drug which seemed to grow on her. Now that she had a name for her feelings she reverted to her original game which was assembling the jigsaw puzzle called ASR.
Why did he misbehave with her yesterday when only a few minutes later he displayed that extremely tender side of his which had made her fall madly in love with the Rakshas?
You don't have any qualms waltzing around in his presence. But my proximity disturbs you. Remove this saree right now & change into something more appropriate. No need to dazzle everyone by your skin show.
Something clicked in her brain.
God had he been jealous? Was that what it had been all along, Jealous that she loved someone else? He had been mad at her for supposedly cozying with Shyam in a seductive dress. In other words the extraordinary Arnav Singh Raizada had behaved like an extraordinarily ordinary husband possessive about his wife, her beauty & her body.
She let out a long breath of relief. Now that she had understood the problem she knew what had to be done to dispel his wild theories & assumptions.
Once she makes up a mind nothing, not even Devi Maiyya, can shake a woman's resolve. If anyone had looked closely at Kushi while she was serving at the dining table they would have definitely noticed the straight chin & the glint of steel in her eyes. She was a woman on a mission.
It was as usual well past midnight when Arnav crept into the dark & silent house. This was a darkness & silence he was accustomed to, comfortable with. He had long been building walls around him that no one not even his family dared try & breach them till a slip of a girl had stormed his bastion, breaking his heart & shattering his faade of indifference. While everyone had given up reaching out to him, this waif of a girl had attempted to break his monotonous living. And just when he thought he had finally found love, she had proved that it was just an illusion, an ill-fated fantasy.
He sighed & trudged wearily up the stairs & opened his door softly but her wind chimes gave him away. He saw her jerk up from the recliner where she had been curled up like a ball, covered from head to chin by a heavy blanket.
"WT*"
He came near & barked at her.
"WT*. Kushi dint I tell you earlier that you are supposed to sleep on the bed. Do you consider your day complete only when you have refused to follow any of my instructions & constantly rile me up, making me tear my hair in frustration. I swear that one day you will really drive me crazy. WT* are you doing. Are you even listening to…………………………….."
His voice trailed away & he gulped noisily, sweat bedewing his forehead & brow. While he had been raging & ranting at her, she had quietly stood up & shrugged off the blanket. The moonlight was stealthily but steadily streaming into the floor serving as a natural spotlight & she simply glistened before him in her ivory blouse & green petticoat tied low around her waist. It was the same attire she had worn yesterday before the fire fiasco. Was she really standing before him in that provocative dress or was it simply a lustful fantasy that his horny, starved brain was conjuring. He touched her expecting the apparition to dissolve into nothingness but his finger made solid contact with her lush body & he started back in horror.
"You are not dreaming not are you losing your mind Arnavji. It's really me!"
The gentle breeze wafting around the room carried her whisper to his ears & he simply gaped at her wordlessly. His vocal chords had suddenly stopped functioning & his spine & knees had literally turned into wobbly jelly. He swallowed hard many times.
No Arnav don't give in. It must be one more of her crazy, hair brained plans to annoy you. 101 ways to annoy Arnav Singh Raizada. He had stumbled across her diary filled with juvenile scribbling which had made him shake his head in wonder at the craziness as personified by his wife.
So now shaking his head in frustration he turned & walked towards his wardrobe. He had expected a vehement outburst from her but instead felt her soft hands stilling his hands on the door. He stood stock still all breath having been robbed from him because she was standing close, extremely close to him.
He took a deep breath & turned to face her.
"What do you want now Kushi. I am really tired & haven't even had my dinner. Whatever crazy plans you have got to annoy me to death can wait till tomorrow. Just leave me alone for heaven sake. Don't………………………………."
Again her actions forestalled his words. She gently caressed his forehead as if trying to ease away those frowns, then guided him towards the recliner. It was then that he noticed the plate on the coffee table.
She sat on the coffee table, balanced the plate on her lap & then brought a morsel of food towards him. He reflexively moved behind & was about to protest when something, an inexplicable emotion in her eyes made him stop midway. Before he knew he was actually leaning towards her & had opened his mouth.
SHIT! The power this girl wielded over him. Will he ever be able to resist her he wondered morosely?
He had never eaten so quickly & never had he felt so peaceful. Only his mom used to stay awake till he came home late tired after playing pranks with his friends, admonish him gently for his wayward antics & then feed him lovingly. After her death he had always come home to a dark, silent, sleepy house where no one waited for him with an angelic smile & loving eyes. His had been a singularly lonely & dark life since then. The gunshots reverberated in his ears & a solitary tear escaped his eye & rolled down his cheek.
Soft fingers caressed his cheeks & eyes tenderly & he opened his eyes.
"She is in a place where she is happy & peaceful & would want her son also be happy & peaceful in this mortal world. Your tears will only give her more pain."
He was shocked. How had she guessed that he had thinking about his mom.
She seemed to understand his puzzlement.
"Nothing to be shocked about Arnavji. The same thing happens to me as well. I invariably think of my mom when eating alone in the night. It's the same with every child who has lost his/her mother."
The pain which reflected in his eyes made her heart constrict painfully.
"Thanks Kushi." He murmured.
Her heart ached for the man before him. Behind all that faade of ruthlessness & coldness he was actually still a young man longing for his mom's love, missing her comforting touch over his head. She had not foreseen the night to careen out of control in this fashion. She had not planned to remind him of his mom & his lost childhood. Now that it had happened it only strengthened her resolve to go through what she had originally planned.
"Arnavji yesterday why did you rip my saree off?"
She saw him hiss & his eyes fill up with guilt & remorse. But she did not allow him to speak.
"Was it because you feel possessive about me & don't want anyone except you to admire me? That only you have a right over me & my body?"
He couldn't look at her eyes & so hung his head in shame. One look at that bowed down head & his defeated demeanor & she had her answer.
She knelt before him & placed her hand lightly on his lap.
"Arnavji?????????"
He painstakingly lifted his head & looked at her.
"I give you that right! I am all yours!"
She saw those dreamy, chocolate eyes widen in shock. He stared at her & then let his eyes trail over her soft form before resting on her eyes again.
"Kushi……………………………"
"Only you have a right over me & my body!" She whispered & stood up.
What does a man do when the object of his desire, his obsession, his addiction, his fantasy throw an open invitation? What would any ordinary mortal man do in such circumstances? Accede to the plea? Succumb to the temptation within?
But then Arnav Singh Raizada was NOT an ordinary mortal man.
"NO."
His voice echoed eerily in that silent night, piercing her heart.
Hey Devi Maiyya had she grossly misjudged him? Did he not love her, desire her. As usual she had messed up everything.
He looked at her clutching the skirt tightly & for the first time felt light on noticing the myriad expressions flitting across her face. Shock, confusion, embarrassment, tears of rejection, heart break. Only his dear Kushi can run the whole gamut of emotions in just few seconds.
He understood perfectly & got up to stand close to her, lifting her chin so that she was staring into his eyes.
"No Kushi. I don't deserve you. Nor can I touch you when you feel that I am a trash just like Shyam. Like jeeju like saala."
She heaved a sigh of relief. Thank god she had not misunderstood his feelings. She could see the extent to which her words had hurt him.
"After what happened between us yesterday do you still think that I consider you & Shyam as the same?"
She couldn't control her tears anymore.
"You learned to love me. When will you learn to trust me & trust your heart Arnavji."
She laid her hand on his heart & she could feel it beating rapidly & remembered his words on Holi.
She leaned closer so that her lips were almost touching his face.
"Listen to your heart Arnavji & try to understand its language. Do you still think I love Shyam? Do you still think I am cheating on you?"
The next second she went crashing into his hard body. He had swept her into a bone-crushing hug & once again she got her answer without him saying anything. Without saying anything in words he had still conveyed everything that he wanted to.
"Are you brave enough to give me complete right over you. Make up your mind Kushi because there is no turning back."
"Yes I give you that right! I am all yours!" She repeated her words & time stood still.
Ye Hai Mohabbatein
Mangal Lakshmi
12