Things got worst when I came to a point where I had excelled in my education and had to go US on schlorship but scholarship covered the educational expesnses what abt lodging & boarding, mamaji tried his best but he couldnt arrange all, my saving also werent going to help and no bank was willing to gv me loan as I dint hv a credible name then, so mami sold her all he gold jewellery to help, and then I returned & too the whole india in my stride., but I was a cynic now, nothing was rosy or beautiful for me, and than when I cam nani had arranged for di's marriage.
Intially agn for me it was scary but then I met Shyam, he looked a very down to earth man + di was in love with him, things looked turning better for me how could I deny it, I went ahead with time shyam built his place in our lives, he was independent loving & balanced in life, my temper & nani's views often clashed as I would love defing the social norms & traditions and nani was all for it. for me it was liberating to stick my thumb to set patterns of the society bcz society in general represented cheat for me,
but with this Shyam acted as a buffer between me and nani, his logical talks worked with me and nani and with passing time he had his firm place in our lives.
I loved & respected him, he was my di's world , in all 3 years I had known him previous to your arrival in our lives he had been picture perfect. but your arrival rocked my safe haven, I had carefully built my life with walls arnd my heart. the first time you fell in arms, I was very angry with you for ruining the perfect moment of mine, that was the day I had snachted Sheesh mahal from the ppl who didnt deserve it and I was on high but you shattered my moment and when we had locked for questioning in the room, I could see the fear that I had seen in Di's eyes long back, but that unsettled me and I wasnt sure why but I didnt like you hurting me, may be in years someone had dared to speak, someone wasnt scared of my mask.but I coundnt do anything.
The next time and the third time you bothered me I was plain irritated but the night of that rain parking scene, you really tugged my heart, I was as restless as a lamb in pain, but I couldnt hv the reason for me uncomfort, I knew somewhere I was wrong in my behaviour with you and previously when I had seen you in that red outfit, you had looked ethreal but your eyes they held promises untold, a hint of fear, with a dash of shyness and a lost heavean I had seen them and suddenly I was causing you pain, so that night I knew I had move away from you before I destroy you and that why next day I sent you to the GH site, but I swear to you, I didnt knew that it was a dangerous structure until then, I might have been cruel insensitive and a lot of other adjective but murder was nvr my choice, I had ever wildest dream thought abt killing me, I loved to win but with fair n Square method, I rejoiced when someone went dwn on knees in front of my power but the knock always came with power not with shady efforts anyways the moment I had heard abt you being in that bldg I had left immediately not bearing the consequences in my life, I just had to be for the first time in my adult life I had feared, I didnt want any harm to come to you, I reached the Gh at what speed I dunt know, but looking at the conditions I had dies a 100 deaths there and when I found you, blood started pumping bk in my body but your reactions agn baffled me, I was used to ppl bowing me and here you were agn challenging me.
That night after you fainted I took you buaji's house,, evryone got sacred seeing you, but before I could utter anything payal gv me left & right, she was like this lioness protecting her cubs, but I dint feel bad abt it because I knew even in my unknowing condition I had done something very wrong, that night ur wellbeing had been my biggest concern, I had waited for a long time by the window in ur room abnd even when I reached I wasnt at ease, Di had read my uncomfort, but I wasnt ready to admit anything, you had started affecting me, too much, toomuch to my pleasure but thats when I decided I had to move out but first I had to apologise, it was heavy wt arnd my heart but you dint gv me a chance a lot of times I asked you, but you didnt, and then you said you going to leave this also baffled me somewhere but stubborn me, I nvr accepted, I had gone to DM temple with Di and saw the lock at buaji's door I cant define for how I felt and then agn found you in RM, the more we went away from each the harder we collided back with eachother like tied to elastic band.
Each day close to you, observing me irked me, intrigued me and did a lot of things, I made you feel like nobody time and agn because somehwere I was protecting myself , I am sorry abt my methods but days went by and I dunt know when that irritation, anger turned into wait for you,,,,, I strated to look for the reasons when you would come to RM & I will get a glimpse of you, sometimes it irked me for my studipidity yet I did what I am telling, isnt it unbelievable, I was changing by bits and pcs, and sometimes I used to wonder how cam you or me were so diff in thoughts in personality, when you came to teach Lavanya I came across another personality of yours each day, loyal, witty, happy, intelligent at some times, caring, honest with the ppl you care, dedicated all those & during nanital & subsequently I came across anothe facet, dependable, tough all in I found a lot of my reflection in you but there are we were aprt like earth & sky in our approach and then when you hugged me when babuji had fallen sick, you were broken and I couldnt offer solace & support to you, I dunt know what held me back but I cursed myself for not being there for you.but something stopped me i dunt know why and that failure to assure you kept me pulling towards you, I was somewhere see you heartbroken at 1 moment and than pulling all your reserves to be strong in front of the family/world, I had expereienced it so I understood how difficult/painful it is and then on Diwali day, when I saw my eyes refused to move away from you, you looked ethereal in that red saree and I heard you talking to la abt the payal, it was ur amma's last pc, I felt guilty for depriving you of it as when had it, I was irritaed with you and had kept with only to disturb you, but when I realised its importance in your life I wanted it to return you and the whole evening you avoided me , and then I found you by poolside n you tripped I can swear on Di today, I had never thought of touching you before that moment that day I just wanted to give something you held precious but then I dunt what pulled me and i ended up there with you.
I thought for days how if the phone hadnt wrung, what would hv happened, I dint had any answers for myself yet you kept asking me and then how could hv answered when i didnt hv them so I took my cloak of anger and hide myself but as usual KKG you were unstoppable and then in my anger & seeing what the world was doing to LA I did what I could wo realising the consequences, I had my feelings and I expected you to gv them that name, you come to me and tell me that you love me, funny I ASR who didnt let any do anything now wanted something for himself but wasnt accepting it.
I was in a place where no one wanted to be and than I hurt you that night badly I know thats bcz I was hurting w/o answers, I who was dying to belong to someone wanted you to rescue me, yet when I did wrong you didnt fight for me,,, I had seen you fight for evryone, la , di, payal ur family and even Mrs Mehta at AR but u didnt for me... I was devasted but I had been caught in my own web I couldnt do anything... I didnt want to get commited, didnt know abt my feelings and I didnt know how to go abt and thats when I my anger was their sheliding, the next morning you called Rm to quit once agn I was hurt and uttered those words abt salary, believe it was nvr abt money, it was always abt reaching to me and than I did what I did in the name of farak padta hai... was inhumane I know but i all did was bcz I wanted you to save me rescue me from myself and when I heard abt you getting engaged to someone else for me all hell had broken, I was burning in inferno's and didnt how to come out and the last day at the mall with the Lengha believe you were looking an angel and I just wanted to touch you and you moved back and it shot arrows to me I was disgusted thinking someone else can touch you, be with you but not me, and that made me go overboard and I knew bcz of my headhighness we were at a place from where it was difficult to return back without hurting a lot of ppl so I stopped myself saying that atleast I shudnt hurt you bcz aleast you were happy with your choice what I dint understand those days was that you could sacrifice yourself for the people you live and that day I made peace with myself realising that may be we could nvr be together but atleast you were happy and I didnt wana cause you more tears, you tears effected my like magic, I dunt know why but i could never bear yours tears and then we met for payal and akash thats the I realised one more beautiful aspect of you.
At the havan day when you had bumped me crying, I could see you cring I wanted to take all the pain but you didnt share with me , once agn you left me bereft bcz I was always protecting everyone but cudnt do anything for you and than you left. I created a scene abt your disappearance and then with LA I was worried bcz it was sumthing your marriage/engagement all my fears from di's time had been revisited and I was silently praying that may be you will not do something to harm yourself, in my agony I blurted the truth to LA, she realised your importance in my life and we mutually decided to part I may be cacused of anythings but not cheat once I realised the truth that it wasnt LA for me I couldnt cheat her anymore. and then LA decide to leave and agn you fought for her... you had eyes for evryorld accept me and then during the wedding days I njoied your was happy, for the first time I relised I did effect you and for that I dint need words now, I was more confident with our innuedos during these days and then Di made me realise the importance of life and love after her accident on shaadi day, I had almost reached my brink with love for you and was coming to confess it to you and I saw Shyam and you.
Can you imagine my state at that time, I a cynic all my life first time believed in love and I got the knock of my life my BIL n my would be GF involved I coudnt tell how I felt...and than shyam confronted he uttered that shit agn. I had no option not to believe I had always been a cynic and than such truth,, by the virtue of time only shyam was more easy to believe. my parents uncle this whole world had never given me a reason to trust how would hv I trusted you. if you tell me why I would tell you after taht i didnt even trust myself I cant let you or shyam and hurt my Di but actually somewhre in my heart I didnt trust shaym 100% I had trust for you so to protect Di from u'll at the same time keep with you me I married albiet forciblily I told u bcz u wanted money no bcz I wanted you to me only me... and than I observed you each day the more I saw you each the more I loved you. and I was on the verge of confessing to you that if you decide to honor our shaadi and forget Shyam... then we could be together and yes trust wouldnt be there was the big issue but how could hv I done that and that accident happened between di & shyam and you... and i was thrown from the mountain of hay which i had build i was thrwn in universe where there was no place for me, you were correct and I had been wrong all.
The whole cosmos had consipired against me and had thrown me down from the bastions of highheadness, haughtiness. I was wounded agan but this time by myself and I couldnt reach out to you, for days weeks month I was like a creature who had no solace bcz my insides were burning. and then she slowly got up and hugged him, and then the tears ran down his eyes. she had nothing more nothing less to this man, who had been strong through the stroms and drawing the stregths from the pool of his beautiful soul. he was like this scared child who pretended to be brave when faced in darkness.
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
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