Impossible Love ~ OS

"But Angelica, I love you'" he said.

I turned my face away from him. My eyes were brimming with tears. I couldn't show him my weakness. I have been so strong, so unmoved, and so lifeless since "that incident" that I can't bring myself to fall in front of him. I don't know what happens to me every time he comes in front of me. My senses stop working; my limbs won't carry me away; my eyes deceive me and they actually start showing emotion!

Now here he was, expressing his undying love for me. I couldn't deny that his love was true; I could see it in his eyes and I knew that his love was not spurious. I also couldn't deny the fact that I loved him. I had been denying for the longest time but not anymore. Yes, I loved him but I could not and, hopefully, would not let him into my horrible life at any cost. I would make myself believe that he is better off without me. I'll bear all the pain I have to but I won't let him suffer in anyway. If I say no now, he will be sad for one week, then the next, but by the third week, he will be fine. Yes, I thought. Yes, I am going to have to.

"Look, Chase. I like you as a friend, nothing more, nothing less. Please leave me alone. You will find someone a lot better than me." My voice was quivering from holding so many tears back.

I heard footsteps. I closed my eyes. I could feel him standing in front of me, staring me down like a hawk looks at his prey.

"I know you love me. Don't lie when you don't know how to," he said.

A tear escaped from under my eye lids. I opened my eyes and saw his hand held in front of me and on his palm, there was a droplet of water. As I looked closer, I realized what it was.

It was the tear that had dropped.

I looked at him and saw his eyes looking endearingly at me. It was as if the tear was some sort of a message to me. Like he wanted to tell me that he would catch all my tears and keep it as his own. That he would make my pain his pain and absorb every bit of my pain into him.

And that is exactly what I don't want from him.

"If you don't love me, then why do you have tears in your eyes while rejecting me?" he asked.

I swallowed the knot in my throat and said, "I am only sad that I am rejecting a very good friend, and I am scared to lose a friend."

"Chase snorted at me and said, "Yeah, sure. Whatever you say, Angie."

"What? You don't believe me? Chase, why can't you just accept that we can't be together?!" I blurted.

"Oh, so you can't be with me? Why, Angelica? Now I'm sure that you love me back."

"No, Chase, no. That's not what I meant. I meant that I can't love you and I don't even have any feelings for you," I lied.

"Yeah totally. You said it and I'll believe you, right? Well, guess what, Ms. Angelica Johnson? You're wrong! I don't know why you're not accepting it but I know you love me and that won't change no matter what you say or do!" He stormed away, irascibly.

He's so mercurial, I thought, so vulnerable and loving one moment, and so angry the other. However he was, I loved him but I couldn't tell him that. I wanted to make deference to him but I couldn't. I had to stay strong and not give in.

Just if my life was not this miserable, I would be happy with Chase as his girlfriend right now. But no, my life has to suck and I can't have Chase with me through all this. In fact I can't have anyone. My list of problems is probably longer than the Great Wall of China. My parents are dead, I have an abusive and alcoholic step-mother, Carey, a step-sister, Casey, who doesn't give a shit about me or anyone else, and moreover, an impious body. Yes, I got raped and that was just what I needed to add on to my already messed up life. That's like the cherry on top for me. I have to hear something or the other about this every day of my life.

It was a couple of months ago, when I hadn't known Chase. That day, I was walking home as usual from college. It was pretty late because I had to stay a bit longer to discuss my essay with my teacher. It was around 9 at night and I was walking home, alone, in a city like New York.

I've always been a diffident girl; never spoke much, never stood up for myself, and always quiet. It was really easy to manipulate me but I couldn't change. I guess I had been through too much stuff in my past.

I was dispassionately walking as some hooligans started following me and whistling at me. I didn't think I was a beauty queen so I didn't know why they were whistling at me. I started to walk faster and my heart beat started race as fast as a leopard. But they obviously caught me. I screamed and shouted but there was no one to hear me. They took me to a deserted place and tied me up.

I can't even think about what happened after that' but I think everyone can predict.

After they were done with me, they just left me in the streets. I laid there for what seemed like ages but perhaps it was only a few hours. It ached everywhere. I couldn't move and slowly, I passed into unconsciousness. When I woke up I was in a big room, with ornate carvings on the sofas and walls.

Confused, I got up from the bed which was as soft as a feather. My clothes had been changed, not that I was wearing many clothes in the first place. I had some stuff on but they were really ripped open and my personal parts were almost fully exposed. I was bandaged up where I had gotten hurt. I was wearing the clothes twice my size but I got relieved as I realized they were, indeed, women's clothes.

I got up from the bed and quietly made my way out of the house. I felt secure but at the same time, I wondered who changed me. I wondered who saw me in that state. I wondered who brought me here. I wondered whose clothes these were. I wondered so many things that always remained an enigma.

I realized that it was around 4 a.m. and that Carey would have a jolly time beating me for coming home so late. I was already bruised up and she would probably reopen the cuts and bruises. I dreaded her reaction when I would tell her what happened.

I limped all the way to my house and slowly made my way up to the attic, where my "room" was. I figured Carey would blast at me tomorrow morning. I lay on my bed and tried to close my eyes but found those horrific images of those guys lying on top of me. They cadged me and got what they wanted but left me weak and nothing to be able to do. I needed someone to cry to, someone to corroborate me as I poured my heart out to them. I was far from sleeping; it was as if I could neither sleep nor stay awake. I was too worn out to be awake and too scared from the images to sleep.

I was already a frail girl but this incident had enervated me all the more. My effluent tears never seemed to stop. My tears were the Niagara Falls that would never go dry. I was bawling my eyes out but I tried to create as less noise as possible so that Carey and Casey wouldn't yell or wake up. I would have to face their wrath tomorrow but I was delaying it as much as I could.

The next morning, everything that I had feared came true. Their wrath at me was worse than ever. I got so badly hurt that I could not go to college. The next day came and I cleaned up all my bruises and limped to school. Whenever Carey hit me, she never hit me hard on my face so that the whole world wouldn't know about what happens at home. She slaps me but soft enough to not create a mark.

Days passed and I started going distant from the already small group of friends I had. A month later, I had no friend except one, my best friend, Erika. She knew everything about me. She knew about my family and my past but never judged me. She was the one shoulder I could lean on, but I did go a little distant from her as well, though she was still there for me.

One day, I met Chase, and my whole world changed. Every time I looked at him, it felt like the 4^th of July every day. I had fireworks going on inside me all the time. Somehow Chase made me feel like the most special girl in the world and surprisingly, I was slowly opening up to him. His friendly nature made it very easy to mingle with him. I didn't know when I started falling in love with him'

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~

Back to the present, I was still rooted at the spot where Chase had left me. My knees had given up and I was collapsed on the ground. I didn't know what to do or say. I was just lying there lifeless on the ground. There were no more tears anymore. I was a lifeless soul with nowhere to go.

The following days went by very awkwardly. I would try to ignore Chase as much as possible and even he wouldn't bother to try to come up to me.

Then one sudden day, I got a note that said

I knew it was Chase. I got scared and didn't know what to do. I wanted to go just to hear his voice, just to feel him around me. I wanted to hug him, touch him, and feel him. But no, I couldn't. I couldn't go. But what if he just wants to say that he's fine with it now and wants to go back to being friends. Yes, maybe I should go just to see what he has to say. Maybe we can go back to being friends because I truly meant it when I told Chase that I was scared to lose a very good friend.

The class ended and I had absolutely no idea what the professor was saying. I was doomed if the old man called on me but fortunately he didn't.

I looked for the room and finally found the room after getting lost for 5 minutes. I put my hand on the handle, took a deep breath, and stepped in. The room was pitch black except some light coming from a window. For a second I thought that I had come into the wrong room except "that feeling" was there. The feeling that I always get when Chase is around me. I walked into the room feeling a bit scared. Ever since that incident, I have been very scared of the dark.

"Chase!" I yelled. "I ' I'm getting scared, Chase. I know you're in here. Please turn on the lights."

I heard footsteps and closed my eyes. The next thing I felt was a warm hand on my waist pulling me towards it. Before I could react, I could also feel warm lips on top of my lips. I froze for a while, trying not to respond as much as possible. But after 5-6 seconds, I felt myself surrendering to him. I started kissing him back. The kiss was slow but sensuous and made me want him even more, if that was possible. The kiss ended after we were both out of breath. We broke apart but our lips were still together, as if they never wanted to be away from each other.

"Wow," came a whisper.

"Wow indeed," I replied in the same whisper.

"Now how will you deny that you love me?"

Oh, crap, I thought. I forgot all about that! Why does he have to be such a good kisser? Why does he have to have this effect on me? Why? Why? Why? I sighed and said, "Let go of me."

"Wow, Angelica. You're still denying."

"Chase, please. I beg you. I can't talk with this proximity with you."

Chase seemed to be pleased with my answer as I felt him smile on my lips. Though reluctantly, he let go.

I kept a safe arm distance from him as soon as he loosened his hold on me.

"Can we please turn on the lights? It's starting to creep me out," I said.

He laughed his signature laugh and started walking. He turned on the lights and finally I could see. He came infront of me once more and looked at me with intent eyes, as if waiting for me to start.

"Hey, you're the one who called me here. You do the talking," I said, not looking him in the eyes, cheeks flushing with a scarlet red, and still shaking from the kiss.

"I think I did my 'talking,'" he said as he put air quotations on "talking." My cheeks flushed an even darker shade of red as he said that.

"Well, uh, um, I really don't have anything to say, so I should just go." I tried to get past him but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me back.

"You're not going anywhere." He dragged me to a seat, sat me down, and sat next to me. "So speak."

I took a huge gulp of air in and started speaking: "Look, Chase. I'm still saying what I said a few days back. I can't be with you. I just can't. There's no point in denying that I love you anymore, but that doesn't change the fact that I cannot be with you. In fact, I cannot be with anybody. Please forget me and think of me as a bad nightmare. I will never be able to give myself to you or anyone else. I'm tainted. You'll only get sadness by being with me and nothing more. Please just '"

"I was the one who took you home that night."

There was silence. My face had shock written all over it. I looked at him in shock. What was he talking about?

"Wh ' What?" I stared at him in disbelief.

"That night, when you got r-raped. I was the one who took you to my house when you were unconscious." He stuttered as he explained.

Tears oozed out of my eyes. He knew! He knew my biggest secret! He knew what had happened that made me more of an outcast than ever! And he didn't tell me'

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I saw you that night, lying lifeless on the streets. I was on my way home from a late night party. I took your pulse and saw that you were still alive. I hurriedly took you to my house after putting my shirt over your body. I ordered my maid to change you in some of my mom's clothes. I waited for you to gain your consciousness. I recognized you from school. You were in three of my classes. I started getting restless when you didn't get up. I went outside to call the doctor and when I got back, you were gone. I figured you had gained consciousness and gone out. I got restless when I didn't see you in campus the following day. I went to your friend, Erika, and asked where you were but she didn't know either. I found out where you lived making an excuse to Erika that we were working on a project together. Outside your house, I heard crashes and horrible noises that I can't even descry it. I watched from the window and watched you get beat up by your mother. I thought to knock but I thought that would be very weird. I kept trying to talk to you for several other days but failed, because I was scared. Of what, I don't know. Then I finally gathered enough courage to approach you. I don't know when I fell in love with you, Angie. I just did, despite knowing everything. I love you from the bottom of my heart. I love you so freaking much."

Again, there was silence. It seemed like forever but maybe it was merely seconds.

"So you knew about me getting raped, but you still fell in love with me," I managed to say.

"Yes," came a simple reply.

I looked at him in horror. How could a person love somebody so much? I was sure that after knowing what happened to me, not just him, but everyone would stay away from me. Why did he love me so much? Why was I that special to him? I was not the prettiest, or the brightest, or the most popular, but for him, I seemed to be the most perfect girl. Why? Is this what love does to people? Is this what the real meaning of love is? It is true that love hurts, but it is also true that love gives the most happiness to a person that they have ever imagined. Love is such a small word but has so many emotions wrapped into it.

"Say something, Angie. Please. You're scaring me," he said, urgently.

I looked at him for a millisecond and hugged him with as much force as anyone ever can. I closed my eyes and absorbed his warm body into mine. I tried to put everything in that one hug. All the frustration, all the sadness, all the love, all the despair. He loved me for what I am and not what I put out to be. He loved me for being me, and that was the biggest thing. Everything else disappeared into thin air as we hugged each other. It was just him and me.

"I love you, Mr. Chase DiLaurentis."

"I love you, too, Ms. Angelica Johnson."

He pulled me away for one second and the next, his lips were on mine.

They say true love heals all pain. It's true, take it from someone who has experienced it truly.