aaj bhi jab zindagi mein peeche mudkar dekhti hun to lagta hai waqt ke saath sab badalta raha siwaaye ek cheez ke...cheez jo hamesha mere saath rahi...jisse main chah bhi kabhi haraa nahin paayi ...... uss cheez ne kabhi mera saath nahin choda...aur vo thi meri...KHAMOSHI....
ye khamoshi sirf meri hi nahin shayad har ladki ki zindagi mein apni chaap chod jaati hai...
main ek aam ladki thi...bhut aam...itni ki kabhi kabhi mujhe lagta tha ki mere hone ya na hone se kya farak padta hai....sab kehte hai ki har insaan ka apna ek maksad hota hai jisse poora karne ke liye vo iss duniya mein aata hai par aaj tak mujhe aisa kuch khaas maksad nahin dikha jisse poora karne ke liye bhagwaan ne mujhe iss dharti par bheja...
kehte hain ki har insaan kisi na kisi kaam mein perfect hota hai....fir chahe vo padhaai ho ya ghar mein khaana banana ya fir kuch aur...kuch na kuch aisa hota hai jo vo perfectly karta hai...par aaj tak main uss ek kaam ko khoj nahin paayi jisse main perfectly kar sakun...bas thoda iddhar to thoda uddhar...yahi thi meri zindagi...jo shayad maine jee nahin balki kaati hai....
bachpan....bachpan to shayad maine dekha hi nahin....waqt se bhut pehle khud ko bhut badaa mehsoos kar liya tha maine....har maa baap apne bacchon ko bhut pyaar dete hain...jo unke bacche unse maangte hain vo sab dete hain..unpar apna sab kuch kurbaan kar dete hain...mere mata pita bhi unse alag nahin the...shayad har kisi ke mita pita se badkar pyaar diya tha unhone mujhe....itna ki aaj tak main khud ko uss pyaar ke layak nahin bana paayi par fir bhi shayad vo ek cheez bhagwaan ne meri kismat mein bhut acchi likhi thi...mere maa pita...par shayad itne pyaar mein vo bhi uss khamoshi ko nahin dekh paaye jo mujhe andar hi andar ghere jaa rahi thi....aaj bhi uss waqt ko yaad karti hun to dard hota hai jab maine apni aankhon ke saamne apne bachpan ko jaate hue dekha tha...jiss umar mein bache khelne koodne mein magan hote hain main apne aap ko ek shaitaan ke vash mein paya....jiske liye main koi bachi nahin balki ek ladki thi jiska bas vo aksar fayada uthata tha....aaj sochti hun to lagta hai ki kaash uss waqt main khamosh na rahi hoti to aaj mere paas yaad karne ko mere bachpan ki kuch yaadein hoti......vo thi meri pehli khamoshi....
dosti....mere liye dosti ke maayne kisi se alag nahin the...
har kisi ki tarah main bhi ek aisa dost chahti thi jisse main apne dil ki har baat keh sakun, jisse kuch batate waqt mujhe ye darr na ho ki vo baat kisi aur tak pohanch jaayegi...par kehte hain na hum jo chahte hain aksar vo humein milta nahin....jiss dost ki mujhe talaash thi shayad vo mere liye bhagwaan ne banaya hi nahin tha....dil ki har baat jo main usse kehna chahti thi vo aaj bhi mere andar hi dafan hai.....vo thi meri doosri khamoshi...
pyar...pati..apna ghar...inn sab ke sapna meri aankhon ne bhi dekha tha..ek aisa pati jo mujhpar apni jaan lutaaye...jo meri aankhon mein dekhkar mujhe samajh jaaye...agar main ro rahi hun to saari raat mere saath jaage..par aap isse filmy influence bhi keh sakte hain...kyunki aisa pyaar shayad hota hi nahin...ya shayad hota ho.....par meri zindagi mein vo pyaar kabhi nahin aaya....main ye nahin kahungi ki mere pati mujhse pyaar nahin karte par shayad jiss hadd tak main apne pati se chahti thi utna pyaar unke paas mujhe dene ke liye nahin tha...
fir bhi inn ankhon ne sapne dekhna band nahin kiye....jab main17 saal ki thi tabse ek khawaab apne andar dabaa rakha tha maine...kahin suna tha ki har ladki ki zindagi mein sabse khoobsoorat din vo hota hai jab vo maa banti hai...main bhi uss waqt ka intzaar karne lagi jab main ek din maa banungi aur apne dil ki har baat usse kahungi jispar sirf mera haq hoga...jisse main janam doongi...meri beti....haan main ek beti chahti thi uss waqt se jab main sirf 17 saal ki thi..shayad apni beti mein main apna bachpan dhoondna chahti thi...chahti thi ki usse duniya ki harr khushi dungi usse har buri nazar se bachaungi...uske dil ki har baat sunungi taaki vo meri tarah khamosh na reh jaaye..uski dost banungi taaki vo meri tarah dost ki talaash mein kahin kho na jaaye...main shayad apni pari ka intzaar kar rahi thi jo meri zindagi mein aakar usse roshan kar deti.............par shayad iss khushi par bhi mera haq nahin tha... "be practical" inn do shabdon ne mere aakhri sapne ko bhi raund kar rakh diya....yahi to kaha tha mere pati ne jab humein beta hua tha....mera beta...jisse main apni jaan se bhi zyada pyaar karti hoon...vo mera ansh hai....par kehte hain na sapne itni aasaani se peecha nahin chodte....pehli baar zindagi mein apni khamoshi tod kar main apne dil ki baat kahi thi....ki mujhe ek beti ki tammana hai.....par shayad mere kehne ya na kehne se kuch farak hi nahin padta tha....unn do lafzon ne mujhe hamesha ki liye fir se khamoshi mein dhakel diya tha....mere pati doosra baccha nahin chahte the aur ek ladki to bilkul nahin...afterall we can't afford another baby...kuch aisa sochna tha unka ......bas fir kya baat wahin khatam....aisa hi to hota aaya tha hamesha se aur tab bhi hua...
iske aage meri zindagi mein bataane layak kuch hai hi nahin kyunki uske baad maine kabhi koi sapna jo nahin dekha jiske tootne ka zikar kar sakun....
aaj zindagi ki aakhri saansein lete waqt bhi vo adhoori khawaishyein mera peecha nahin chod rahi.....bas bhagwaan se yahi dua hai ki agar kabhi fir se janam lun to iss khamoshi ko haraa sakun....
the end
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