Part XXXI
Armaan watched the play of emotions across Ridhima's face as she struggled to deal with what she had just heard. He wanted to smooth her brow that was puckered in concentration as she tried to absorb what he had just said, he wanted to draw her lips that were drawn in a tight line into a smile, as she sought to control her emotions, he wanted to push her hair back as a few wayward strands flew across her face making her flick them away in irritation, he wanted to caress her face as his thumb chased the blush that was slowly spreading across her face' "I love you Ridhima" he repeated softly as she finally looked up at him.
Ridhima looked at him bemused, not quite trusting herself to speak coherently........at first she had not been too sure that she had heard him right, but then he had repeated it slowly, enunciating each word clearly............Armaan loved her.........knowing him as much as she did, she knew he would not use the words lightly.........did he really say he loved her? Anjali meant nothing to him even if he might mean something to her.............Rahul had been right all along''
.............Armaan had come to her the moment he had come back, hadn't he?...and stayed by her side when she needed him...........the misery of the past few days, their fight, his harsh words, her inexplicable behaviour..... hadn't she resolved that she would tell him how important he was to her, no matter what anyone thought............for now she needed to forget about everyone and everything else, and allow herself to savour the feeling that seemed to be numbing her cognizance of everything except the man who stood in front of her....Armaan.....Armaan loved her!
As Armaan watched her, he thought she had never looked so vulnerable to him, not even in the hospital when she had held him and wept..........there was a defenceless air to her, broken only by the severity of her hair that was pulled back in a ponytail ............on an impulse, he reached out and unclipped her hair, letting it tumble down to her shoulders to frame her face.
"Armaan?" she whispered questioningly
"Not the school marm'" he responded gently, "just a vulnerable little girl'.."
Her mouth trembled as she struggled to deal with everything that seemed to have happened in the last few hours'everything suddenly seemed surreal............
"You know I never thought when I finally tell a woman that I love her, she would be close to tears
" he smiled gently, "You must admit it's not the most flattering reaction!"
He winked at her as he watched the bewildered expression on her face turn into embarrassment, barely able to control his amusement at her rapidly changing expressions.
Then indignation replaced embarrassment, as she realised he was teasing her, and, she smacked him lightly on the shoulder. "Right, like I never thought when a guy tells me that he loves me, he'll follow it up by laughing at me. Thank you so much." She responded with a weak smile, finally recovering some of her poise.
"This is what I love about you..." he grinned as he took in her flushed face. He stepped closer to cup her face in his hands, "amongst the million other things that I can't even begin to recount......the way you don't take me too seriously.....the way you always have a comeback......the way you .......the fact that you are so comfortable with who you are...... the fact that you find it so easy to build bonds..... the fact that you are a great friend.... the fact that you can sense things about me without my articulating it...... the fact that you can be supportive without being obtrusive..... the fact that you don't need words for me to know what you want to say.....the fact that........ the fact that it seems so right when I hold you close, the fact that I can recall every minute little detail about you when you are not around...."
As Ridhima looked up at him, intent on every syllable he uttered, he bent down and softly brushed her lips with his. As he looked up and lifted her chin, she closed her eyes, cloaking her emotions, ".....and the fact that you are where I want home to be......" His arm went around her, gentle and loose, as if not to frighten her. For a long moment he just held her, reaching out to touch her hair, his fingers stroking it, threading through it, before coming to rest on the nape of her neck, gently prodding her to open her eyes and look at him.
As he watched her, he saw a tear trickle down her cheeks in the silence that followed his words. "Ridhima..." he whispered, a little unsure. She had not stopped him from kissing her again but he was unable to fathom her tears. That she loved him, he was in no doubt, her honest admission of her fears and jealousy being a far more evocative declaration of love than his three words ever could be, "Ridhima?"
She opened her eyes and he was concerned to see them shimmering with tears. Her chin still held in his hand, he raised his head questioningly. She shook her head, smiling tremulously, mouth drawn in a rueful smile; then to his surprise slid her arms around his waist, burying her head in his chest. Pulling her close, he enveloped her in a warm hug, occasionally dropping kisses on her hair, as he felt her crying softly. He would wait for the storm of tears to pass and for her to talk....she had been through a lot in the last few days 'their fight, her dad's heart attack, his operation and now this....it could overwhelm anyone and right now she was emotionally fragile...she probably needed this catharsis.....
Armaan was not sure how long they stood like that, long after Ridhima's tears had subsided, the only movement being a rhythmic stroking of her back as she continued to snuggle into him, her arms still wrapped around him, content to be where she was... "Armaan......" she finally raised her head wiping the remnants of tears from her eyes., "I...am sorry..." as he shook his head and smiled, "I..I ...it was just so overwhelming.....I have been so worried...dad...heart attack....his operation...not knowing how it would.....you...I have been so miserable since we....it just ...I guess...I am sorry....completely incoherent, na?" She smiled ruefully finally moving away from him, "I am sorry....I seem to be weeping all over you ever since you've come back....never quite imagined myself as the weeping willow..."
"As long as I'm not the cause clbre for the weeping, I guess I'll survive the deluge" Armaan grinned cheekily, relieved to see her smile as she made a face at him, "seriously sweetheart, for a moment you had me worried...it's not every day that I -"
"...tell a woman that you love her and she cries on hearing those words.. ...yeah, yeah....I heard that....." Ridhima smiled as she squeezed his hand, grateful to him for not pushing the questions, "but you do realise that I have not said that I love you -" she said tremulously as she sought to overcome her teariness.
'You don't need to Ridhima..." Armaan cut in quietly, "I have yet to meet someone who can be so honest about her feelings, with no fear no hesitation..... your words, the expressions on your face , the tears, the way you held me, were far more eloquent than my admission ever could be...I just said those three words which were so much easier than actually laying bare your fears, your jealousies, your emotions...without knowing what my reaction would be...you gambled everything on the strength of what you felt alone....that takes a lot of courage and a strong conviction in what you feel and believe...that's a lot more courageous than I was-"
"I love you Armaan" he stopped short as relief washed over him as he heard her articulate those three words. While he knew she loved him, it was still a relief to hear her actually say so. He pulled her into a hug, exhilarating in the feel of her in his arms and whispered " love you too sweetheart..."
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Rahul lay in bed willing sleep to come but it continued to elude him. It had been a stressful 3-4 days, and, he was relieved that the operation had gone well. His father had gone to spend the night at the hospital, despite Rahul's protests, insisting that Rahul needed to catch up on his sleep.
Muskaan and he had taken Padma home, and amidst her protests, Muskaan had forced her to have a cup of hot milk with a sandwich. Knowing Padma might sit around and worry, they'd insisted on tucking her in bed, and, waited till she was asleep before leaving.
It had been a long and tiring day, and given it was getting late, Rahul had offered to take Muskaan out for a meal but she had declined, preferring to go home and crash. On Rahul's insistence they had grabbed a couple of sandwiches from Candies, Muskaan teasing him about behaving like her mom. Rahul had raised his eyebrows and quipped "Mom? I don't think so....that would be the last thing on my mind, girl" leaving Muskaan a little flustered as she changed the topic.
They had driven in companionable silence that was finally broken by Muskaan "Rahul?"
"Hmm?" he had asked absent mindedly, his mind going over the tumultuous events of the last few days.
"Do you think Armaan and Ridhima will resolve their differences?"
"Well they might have, had you not chosen to embarrass them" Rahul had grinned at the memory of Armaan's face at Muskaan's comment, " I must confess Armaan's face was a study. If it had not been the sombre mood that we were all in, honest to God I would have found it difficult to keep a straight face. What in God's name prompted you to say that?"
"It was all your fault" Muskaan had pouted, "if you hadn't filled my head with comments about their being too daft to see or admit the obvious, I would not have reacted the way I did when Armaan made that comment...it just came out instinctively....really put my foot in, didn't I? "she had finished ruefully
"Who knows you might have actually done some good. God knows those two need all the help they can get" he had ruffled her hair affectionately as she had grinned at him, "Can't imagine how people can't see and accept the obvious!"
"Sometimes lack of clarity of vision in someone is difficult to appreciate when your own line of sight is clearly visible" Muskaan had responded quietly.
"It's not the lack of clarity which is difficult to appreciate Muskaan, it's the lack of effort or attempt to clear the line of sight. What is that famous saying by Carl Jung?Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens " Rahul had looked at her firmly, "if one was convinced about the intent, patience and perseverance would be a natural concomitant." As a pregnant silence followed, he coughed to break the moment, "by the way, I must warn you, you might yet get throttled by Ridhima...Padma aunty is very sharp......very little goes past her......"
"Tell me about it..." Muskaan had looked at him glumly, wondering what Ridhima would do to her if Padma had indeed cottoned on. It would be rather strange if Padma aunty questioned her about her relationship with Armaan when the two had not even admitted their feelings to each other. As she had pictured Ridhima's face on being questioned by Padma, the tension of the last few days begun to ease, and, she had started to giggle.
Rahul smiled as he remembered her barely controlled mirth, and when she was finally able to tell him why she was giggling, he had burst out laughing as well ' more at her childish delight than at the thought of Ridhima's predicament.
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Anjali sighed as she looked up from the papers on her desk and pressed her temples to relive the stress. She had spent the evening going through the list of Sponsors for last year's seminar and comparing them to the list of the corporates who had indicated an interest in coming for campus placements. This was a good opportunity for the corporates to interact with the students and usually most corporates were quite willing to provide sponsorships and Atul and she had decided to widen the net this year. Being naturally competitive, she was keen to try and hit the highest ever collections, and, Atul enjoyed a challenge as well. In any case, he knew when Anjali set her sights on something, it was best not to try and dissuade her.
She walked up to her bedside table to get some water and smiled as she noticed a flask of tea with a box of cookies, with a note from her mom "for those inevitable midnight cravings for inevitable late nights". As she gratefully nibbled on a cookie and poured herself a cuppa, she went over their discussion this afternoon and giggled a little as she remembered Atul and her exchange. Not to mention Ankit getting all flustered when Atul had teased him about his mystery woman. In fact, she resolved, that was one mystery that needed to be resolved at the earliest and Ankit was about to discover that secrets amongst friends were almost impossible to keep!
Getting the seminar organised would be so much fun with the four of them spending time planning, discussing, organising over numerous cups of tea and coffee and late nights. The excitement of thinking the event through, the patience and effort of putting it together and the anticipation of it all finally coming together!
The three of them had decided which cities they were going to travel to next week, leaving poor Armaan to hold the fort in Bombay. Anjali knew he would complain about not going to Delhi but this time, Mr President was not about to get his way! Anjali chuckled as she thought of his indignant reaction when he got the news! She wondered whether to call him now and torment him or wait till tomorrow morning...looking at her watch, she decided it would keep for a day, provided, a niggling doubt surfaced, he came in tomorrow....after having said that he would be back in a while, Armaan had not returned to college, neither had he called or texted any of them....though it had not been verbalised, it was obvious that he was with Ridhima.....while Anjali continued to feel a twinge of jealousy and resentment at Ridhima's effortless ability to keep Armaan by her side, she was also sensitive enough to realise that this was not the time to grudge Ridhima the comforting support of a friend's presence...she just wished that Armaan had at least called or texted her or any one of them...but was it really necessary? This was just her insecurity, and at least at a time like this, she admonished herself, she needed to keep that aside...in fact, she resolved, she must remind Atul and Ankit to take her along tomorrow when they went to visit Ridhima at the hospital.....but that was for tomorrow, tonight she had other things to worry about ' like that list of corporates, she sighed, as she turned her attention back to her desk and she prepared to go back and pore over the papers....
***********************
"You almost cost me a friendship, you know" Armaan laughed as Ridhima and he walked on the cool sand, "luckily better sense prevailed, otherwise Ankit might have found himself at the wrong end of my angst"
"What?" Ridhima stopped as she looked at him incredulously, "you would have hit him? In God's name why?"
"
O, beware, my lord, of jealousy;
It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock
The meat it feeds on. With hindsight, I think my outburst that evening should have left no one, especially you, in any doubt..." Armaan winced as Ridhima gently smacked his arm.
"You know, I must admit, I gave your motivations scant thought..". Ridhima laughed self consciously, "I was so busy castigating myself and being mortified at my own behaviour that I never once wondered why you reacted so violently..." and then "...which reminds me, I never knew you had such a temper...."
"There are lots of things about me that you do not know sweetheart..." he linked his arms through her as they continued to walk.
"Really? I think I know a lot more than you think..." she turned up her head cockily.
"Really? This I'd like to hear!" he smiled at her
"Hmmm...let me see....you love reading....my English Professor.....yeah, I know that's an obvious one but wait, there's a better one......you are a closet romantic ......who else but a die-hard romantic would love Dean Martin's sexy lazy baritone and carry a copy of The Scarlet Pimpernel in their bag?" Armaan smiled and looked down as she continued, "you obviously have a passion for tea which would explain why I always find you at Ganpathy......though clearly fine teas are lost on you, kadak chai, tragically for me" she shook her head dramatically, "...is your passion!"
"What else.....mmm...you are a very physical person..er...I mean you enjoy physical activities ...er'. football, jogging, swimming?" she corrected hastily at Armaan's raised eyebrows, "you don't usually watch Hindi movies, and, you can't handle chillies in your food! Mercifully, you have a sense of humour!"
"Oh yes, how can I forget? You suffer from a reverse Cindrella syndrome!"
looking at Armaan's puzzled expression, "er.....you start smsing or calling only past midnight..." she smiled as he laughed and pulled her into a quick hug, "...and....while you enjoy good food, you hate cooking...by the way I've stored that piece of information for future use.........and I have it on authority that you like to go out and have fun, enjoy an occasional drink and female company, in fact more than your fair share of the latter! Quite the ladies man, I believe..."
"Let me guess? Atul-"
Armaan shook his head wondering what all had Atul told her about him.
"....
..you are close to your parents and I suspect you are your mama's boy....." Armaan chuckled at the last bit, "....family means a lot to you and you'd go to any lengths to ensure their happiness" Ridhima said quietly as she stopped and turned to look at him "a good human being who values the individual within rather than the veneer and polish..... a very sensible guy with his head screwed on tight..... a solid dependable friend.....sensitive to others feelings, gentle, caring..."she finished self consciously as Armaan continued to look at her with a slight smile tugging at the corner of his mouth," as for the rest...."
"....you'll have a lifetime to discover..."
he finished, "and this time in person, not by proxy....just let me get my hands on his neck-"
"You intend to tell everyone about us?" Ridhima looked at him alarmed.
'Why? You intended for us to conduct a clandestine relationship, my little sea urchin? Live in sin?" he asked in mock indignation, "even if you do, I can't see you being able to keep anything from Rahul and from this afternoon it would appear that the irrepressible Muskaan has clearly already made her own assumptions about our relationship, so it's a little unfair that my friends are kept in the dark, don't you think?"
"I know...it's just that..." Ridhima turned away, troubled, wondering how to articulate her fears.
"It's just what Ridhima?" Armaan asked turning her around to face him, "I thought you were very fond of Atul..Why don't you want to-"
"No, it's not Atul!" it came out instinctively.
'If it's not Atul, then what is it Ridhima?" Armaan looked at her perplexed. He had not bargained for this reaction from her. 'Hang on...wait a sec...its Anjali, isn't it?"
Ridhima looked up at him, guiltily and looked down again, suddenly seemingly preoccupied with her shoes, waiting for his reaction.
'Ridhima?" as she continued to look down, "Ridhima, please look at me....we need to talk about this"
She slowly looked up, expecting irritation and anger on his face but was taken aback to find him looking at her with immense gentleness. "Are you still worried about being the interloper? About coming between Anjali and my friendship? Are you worried about her reaction?" he tucked a wayward strand that had flown across her face, behind her ear.
As she nodded wordlessly, he took her hands in his, 'Ridhima, every individual's life is a matrix of multiple relationships where each relationship has its own space and place.....and they should not impinge on one another because each is distinct in its raison de arte, appeal and importance....and it's up to the individual to ensure that the sanctity of the segregation and that the distinctiveness is maintained..." as she waited expectantly for him to continue "...and then there is that one relationship that's more important than any other......whose presence is far more vital to your happiness and existence than any other...and you need to ensure that it gets the respect and recognition that it merits......."
"I know Armaan....and I.....accept that...." Ridhima squeezed his hand and looked away, 'it's just that....am not sure of how this is going to sound-"
"Ridhima! You don't have to be "correct" with me.." Armaan admonished her.
"I am sorry...I....all right......you know how I...how all of us... always thought that Anjali was your girlfriend till you.....and it's just that it was not only me...all your classmates thought so-"
"Save for Atul, Ankit and Anjali" Armaan interjected firmly, wondering how often this was going to come back to haunt him.
"I ....I ....just wonder Armaan..... that maybe I've come between the two of you....I...oh God...how do I say this....I......if......if... it had not been for me, I mean, if you would have not fallen in love wi...with...me..." she faltered at Armaan's questioning look, "...would Anjali and you...I mean...I was wondering...I mean thinking" she took a deep breath willing herself to continue, "would you have got together? I feel ...I don't know.......I know it sounds strange....it's just that I.....I guess I am a little concerned, fearful perhaps....and...a ...a little.... guilty....I guess....what I am saying, not so well, is that I am apprehensive about facing her knowing....that....that she knows we are together..." she finished plaintively, cursing herself. She had not planned on saying it so baldly, and she was worried how Armaan would react, but having said it, there was a great sense of relief as a weight lifted off her shoulders. There she had said it, her fears were an open book to him...she would handle what came her way...but she had needed to be honest with Armaan.
"I know you admitted that you were jealous of Anjali, Ridhima but you don't have to be-"Armaan touched her cheek comfortingly
"Armaan, you are not understanding-"
she tried explaining.
"I do Ridhima...and I said we are just friends.... I used to spend a lot of time wondering about Rahul till you told me he was just a friend....your word was enough for me...isn't mine enough for you?"
Armaan asked her gently.
"Armaan, its not about you!"
she responded agitatedly, "it's about Anjali...if you say you love me, I believe you do....just like you knew even before I articulated the three words, I know that you do...I just feel...no worry, that she may feel something for you, and in time, that might have been reciprocated if I hadn't appeared on the scene" she tried explaining to an increasingly impatient Armaan.
"I can't believe we are having this conversation Ridhima
" Armaan reacted sharply, "at this time? I've just told you that I love you, and all that you can think about is hurting another woman on a whim that she might be in love with me? What's with you?"
"I am sorry Armaan-"
"You know I can understand your concern that you are the reason I don't spend time with Anjali...to feel guilty about affecting our friendship, but to suggest that Anjali and I.......I told you that there is nothing between the two of us...I love YOU, dammit...I am not sure what you expect from me...what do you expect me to say? How you expect me to react?" Armaan turned his back to her raking his hand though his hair.
In the silence that followed Ridhima wished she had kept quiet, at least today...a moment that should have been a wonderful memory had been marred by her unease over something that her woman's instinct kept resurfacing no matter how hard she tried to ignore it but somewhere she felt that Armaan was preferring to deliberately ignore her concern ' maybe women's instincts about other women, especially where relationships were concerned, were much sharper. But yes, she acknowledged to herself, she could have chosen a better a moment and time...but the thought of facing Anjali had brought all those thoughts that she had buried to surface...
"Come on...let me drop you home....it is quite late" Armaan turned back looking at his watch, "your mom must be worried...I think she has enough to worry about already, no point in stressing her any further"
"Armaan-" Ridhima reached out to try and talk to him.
"We'll talk tomorrow Ridhima, I think we both need to sleep over this conversation" Armaan gently disengaged his arm and started to walk, "let's go."
"That's right, when you are loosing an argument, find some excuse to bail out." Armaan stopped in his tracks, her words bringing a frown on his face as he tried remembering where he had heard this before. Ridhima waited anxiously as Armaan continued to stand still, "Armaan...please?"
"I am not loosing....." he finally turned around, a small smile at the corner of his mouth at the dj vu "....and I am not arguing Ridhima... I am only asking you, please don't let your fears and insecurity take a toll on us....." he trailed off as his mind wandered to a similar conversation that he had with Atul....Atul too had been concerned about Anjali's feelings which he had brushed off....he had tried talk to Anjali but while he had indicated that there was nothing between them, they had never been able to complete that conversation....and now this.......under normal circumstances he would trust both Atul and Ridhima's judgement...so was he the one missing the obvious...could there be an element of truth in the fear that both of them had articulated? Was he deliberately turning a deaf ear to an unpalatable thought? Was his irritation and sharpness a manifestation of his denial of the existence of a complication he did not want? And if it indeed was, wasn't it unfair to take it out on Ridhima?
"I know I am being stupid...I am sorry for ruining -"
Ridhima finally broke the silence.
"No....I am sorry..."
Armaan sighed as he walked up to her, "you were being honest about your fears and I reacted like a typical guy, didn't I? After telling you to be yourself, instead of appreciating your being honest about your fears, I......didn't acquit myself too well, did I? Looks like you are not the only one who's messing up time and again except in your case, it was just my shirt.." Armaan smiled ruefully as he reached out to hold Ridhima's hand, "I hit where it hurts the most.....can you forgive the jerk I am?" and as she nodded her head vigorously, " I guess I was so caught in the moment that I didn't want anything to intrude on that......I wasn't thinking beyond now, beyond this, beyond us....and I am sorry'.fine, we'll do it your way.....we don't have to tell Anjali right now, but I promise, I will talk to her just to ensure that your fears are unfounded...you'll find that she will be happy for me, though I don't deny she may well resent the fact that she'll see a lot less of me.....but with time she'll come around....trust me sweetheart..."
Ridhima nodded her head, as relief swept over her, "I love you" she said passionately as she leaned forward to brush his lips with hers only to rest her forehead against Armaan's as he reached out to let his arms encircle her and she felt her tension ease away as they stood close yet apart, his proximity just the calm that her restlessness needed.
*************************
Ok guys Part 31 long delayed...I know....I know....can't do much except apologise....like I wrote in my note earlier in the day...have been bogged down with dealing with new job, understanding the business, rules & regulations, the people ' what makes them tick and their sensitivities etc...etc...etc...the part is long, so no complaints on the length, though I am sure it will disappoint on other counts....so brickbats absolutely welcome! It hasn't come out quite like I wanted it to but if I had waited to rewrite some parts I guess I would have taken yet another week, so here goes!
Went to Ain Sokhna for the weekend with office colleagues...gave me an opportunity to get to know them a little better! Ain Sokhna is a seaside resort place on the Red Sea coast....I have been to many places on the Mediterranean, but I swear I haven't seen so many hues of blue in the water...it was awesome! Stayed at a resort called Stella de Mare. Tried asking the hotel the rationale behind the name but they just smiled putting it down, I guess, to another strange whim of another mad/strange expat tourist, lol!
My colleagues continue to be very amused with my curiosity about everything and my endless queries.....
Cairo continues to fascinate me whatever I get to know of it ....went to Budha Bar one night...very hip & happening and some great Arabic and English music.....and another night to a concert of Arabic music by a local band ' they were very good! The city has a fascinating night life-there are traffic jams at 1 o'clock at night, people throng the bridges on the Nile well past midnight, restaurants are open till really late...but the highlight had to be a midnight trip down the Nile with hubby, who had come down for 2 days for some work, on a felucca (that's a local sail boat)...very romantic, very soothing and very refreshing....
Have finalised a house, just signed the lease, and am sitting at a Caf before going in to work, so PMs shall follow later.
Can I also be asked to be forgiven for not responding to everyone's comments on the last part? They were lovely, gorgeous, made me feel on top of the world and got me very scared about writing this part'but I ma very preoccupied at work, my shipment arrives this weekend and I will have to start moving in over the next week'so its going to take all my effort just to try and get the next part written, so please forgive me for not responding to the comments on Part 30. I promise I will respond from Part 31 onwards'
Shall not make any promises about the next part, cos given my recent track record, whenever I do, I never end up keeping them....Till then, do read and please, please do leave your comments!
Lots of love
Sam
Edited by bernard shaw - 16 years ago
Bade Achhe Lagte Hain
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