Chapter Ten
Ranaji gave slight knock outside Gayatri's room saying, "Raniji open the door. I want to talk to you."
A long silence prevailed after this entreaty. He repeated in a louder voice, "Rani Gayatri, it's me. I would like to talk to you."
There was again no sound or movement from within the door. This time he gave a slight bang and said loudly, "Gayatri open the door! Can't you hear me?"
He could clearly see the shadow of her figure standing close to the door with her hand on the door and her back turned to the other side through the glass frames. He spoke in a soothing and convincing manner, "I know that you are there and you are listening to me. Please let me in. I can't keep barking from outside like this. We will discuss whatever issues you have within the room. How will it look for the outsiders?"
The intricately carved giant teakwood door gave out a small creak before it opened. Ranaji quietly shut the door behind him. When he turned back, he found that Gayatri had turned to the other side. He could see from where he was that she had been crying her heart out. Her eyes were swollen and bloodshot. Ranaji offered her his handkerchief in order to wipe her eyes. She ignored that small bit of cloth and stepped a bit further away from Ranaji's reach.
He took two steps towards her and reoffered the handkerchief. This time she pushed it from his hands. It fell down to the floor. Gayatri eyes began refilling again with tears. She was trying to wipe them with the corner of her saree when Ranaji came and stood right in front of her and started wiping her tears with his own hands. He said, "Hush! I didn't know you made those desserts. I've tasted them and they are delicious. If that's the reason why you are crying, that is solved."
Gayatri continued crying with greater vehemence on hearing this. Ranaji asked, "Now what happened? Did I tell anything wrong?"
Gayatri chokingly replied to this, "If you are thinking(sob) that I am crying because of (sob) one particular reason (sob) you are mistaken. I'm crying over my lost life (sob), my lost love (sob), my lost self-respect (sob), and my lost dignity (sob)."
Ranaji with astonishment, "Now what happened so suddenly that ..."
Gayatri with greater vehemence, "Nothing happened suddenly. It has been simmering in my mind since our first night. I fell in love with you. Was it my fault? I wrote you a letter expressing my love and asking if you too feel the same about me. The next day Rajmata comes with a marriage proposal to our house. What am I to assume? That you too love me or that it is a deal? I was nave and foolish. I thought that you too reciprocated my love."
Ranaji tried to pacify Gayatri, "But I thought you too knew about the deal and..."
Gayatri getting even more angry, "Ya! How convenient you just assumed that I knew about the deal even without confirming. A letter which is addressed to you, never reaches you and you are not even bothered. Politics are played, people are manipulated, some become pawns in this game of chess, and you remain oblivious to all. God save a kingdom where not even a single letter is safe! And why all this? Because you've neglected your duties, and have been mourning a person for the past six or seven years! Do you even care what is happening with the living? Do you actually live in the real world?"
Indravadan did not know what to answer to this tornado of questions, "But I told you on our first night..."
Gayatri gave a sarcastic smile and said, "Yes, but a bit too late. You should have told me about the deal before our marriage and not after it. I would have broken this marriage on the spot. But what did you do? You took your own sweet time procrastinating and searching for opportunities and excuses. Let me be honest and blunt! Both you and Rajmata needed me and my father's money. So you let this marriage happen even after knowing everything. You knew that after this marriage I would have no other option but to remain in it. A marriage without love! You destroyed all my hopes, dreams and aspirations. I just wanted the simple joys in life. You made me a Queen but you took away the right to be your love and wife from me. Whatever you say or do, I will always lead an incomplete life. "
Ranaji looked hurt, "No. I did not want to keep you in the dark..."
Gayatri continued blabbering in her anger, "I loved you before...I love you even now despite everything...I took all our marriage vows and rituals in earnest...while for you it was just a game...I feel ashamed of myself...that I'm seeking the care and attention of a person who is least bothered about me or my feelings. Why do I expect anything from you after knowing the full truth? I ought to have reconciled myself to all this by now."
Indravadan made another attempt to cool Gayatri down by saying, "I don't love you...but I do care for you...My heart can sympathize with your pain and sorrow...I can't see you hurt..."
Gayatri said with a steely voice, "Your sympathy is the last thing I want. You keep hurting yourself every day, every minute, and every second of your life in memory of Sulakshana even without thinking how much pain you are causing to those near you, have you? Then why should you bother if I hurt myself? You really have double standards! One rule for you...and one rule for me! I could face even death with a smile on my face but I cannot see you destroying yourself. I too lost my hopes, my dreams, my love...yet I'm trying my best to fulfill all my duties and responsibilities...but you..."
Indravadan tried to get in a comforting word sideways, "I really appreciate that you..."
Gayatri continued, "Oh, do you? That's something you have never tried doing, Ranaji. You're so lost in your pain. It's always just you...your pain...your loss...your Sulakshana! They say that a marriage is a union of souls. What about my marriage? It was just a business proposal in which my feelings were traded. My side of the affair was a bad bargain while yours was a profitable bargain. It's my fate to be alone both before and after marriage. I'll battle it out alone. I know that I will never get your love alive...but even after death, will Sulakshana always stand even between our souls? Will I not have at least a tiny but secure place both in life and death along with you? ...Please leave me and go...
Indravadan who was fed up by this time of convincing Gayatri of anything at all did the only thing he could to stop her big mouth. He closed the distance between both of them and took her lips in his. Gayatri was too stunned for a moment to react to this. He knew that whatever was happening between both of them was perfect madness and yet he did not want to let her go. They had never been so close to each other. He could feel her soft lips melting in his and her breath scorching his face. He gently moved her disheveled hair covering her entire face. Her tears were making his lips moist and salty.
It was his only way of showing her that he cared... and cared for her beyond any other person who was living...even beyond his mother, the Rajmata. It was another thing that he was the root cause of all her sorrows...but she was the root cause of whatever little happiness and joy he had in life. He encompassed her slender frame within his manly hands. She too was about to return the hug before she recollected herself. She pushed him back before she staggered to the wall, completely out of breath. She gathered her rumpled clothes before she breezed out of the room.
Ranaji could realize that her outburst today was just an outward expression of all that was running in her mind. He was happy that she had somehow communicated whatever displeasure was running in her mind. Otherwise it would again have been swept under the carpet for the sake of appearances and he would never have known what her exact trouble was until it would have become too big one day.
He began pondering whether he had actually begun loving Gayatri, and his repeated insistence on Sulakshana and not being able to accept anyone in his life was his defense mechanism in protecting his heart from getting hurt again. Was his self-mutilation with the 'S' carving on his chest just a means to remind himself that he was not supposed to get attracted to Gayatri? What would she think about him after today? Would she hate him for not respecting her personal space and privacy?
Edited by shailusri1983 - 10 years ago
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