Poison: The Exilir of our life
Amidst the bustling crowd of Veer and Vikram's birthday celebrations, all I could feel was the bonfire and her. When we see each other, nothing but the sourness of forlorn memories exists between us.
She is the poison I consume every day.
It sits bitter on my lips.
It makes me feel the parts of my mouth which remain sealed with lies.
It makes me feel the beats of my heart, which ironically, are unheard of without her.
A few minutes ago she had her arms entwined with Vikram's neck as she danced at a piece of slow piercing music with him. Although, I don't know if she realized how many times she looked at me as her arms were going weak across his body, her resolve breaking- her promise failing. The promise to be away and nonchalant from my existence. And then, I saw a snap, a fleeting second of her discomfort, as Vikram leaned a bit on her. Nobody in the whole party could have given a flying rat's ass to what happened between the two, but I saw it. Call it a curse or what, I noticed the sparks of disappointment in her eyes, as she pushed him away with chivalry but hurriedness. Suddenly, she wanted to pass Veer, her 7-year-old cousin, his gifts. Suman Tiwari, I saw you. You hate yourself for pushing Vikram away, you know that you crumble in his touch. You hate yourself, for not letting me get out of your sorry soul. Huh!
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Suman sat across the fire, under the starry night, with Shravan, and of course with other people who filled the voids of their awkwardness. Funny, how she wants to be there with Vikram, but can't look ahead of Captain Malhotra. Funny, that how much ever she blames everyone, she is the real culprit.
'Believe me,.....the night is of the stars and the moon- of unfathomable togetherness and integrity...' Vikram raised the toast for the night. He was talking to Shravan, and in return, Shravan smiled looking at him. And if you ask about me, I was counting the moons I have seen together with Mr. Malhotra, and how false are Vikram's claims. I wished to get up and tell them all that whatever they think of love is a bitter illusion. What's real, is the curse of betrayal. It seeps down in your veins and bursts in your blood. It beats against your heart like a rhythm, constantly- it can make you sick and sane at the same time.
Vikram drank and the more he dissolved in the delusion of happiness the more I could feel closer to Shravan's stares. My Neck hurt as I positioned it to look anywhere but him. But when you know somebody for so long and have loved them with your whole heart, there is barely a place left in this mortal world where you couldn't feel their presence. I burned, not because of the fire, but because of his accusatory stare. My body hurt, I wish I could tell him that I didn't really mean anything, that the dance I had with Vikram was some fleeting second of delusion I have already come over.
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'Bro!' Vikram patted my shoulder, and there was a stinging pain that shot across my shoulder blade. As soon as I opened my eyes, I saw Suman standing her hands raised in the air. She looked at me with the eyes of a hawk, as if she was ready to swallow me with her gaze. Her resentment was clutched with chains of her false facade she carried like a shadow. I could see her defeat, as she swallowed her silence like a poison. The poison that might help her to get away from me, to get away with her existence.
Vikram was intoxicated. He could barely differentiate between 6 and 9, he felt that his fingers were double the number they really were. Bunty was no less, he had a smug blush over his face. Maybe, funnily, I and Suman were the only sane people left in the group. Ironical as it might sound!
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'You know Suman, that Mawa Jalebi, I bought for you? Old Bhopal? yesterday?' Vikram bent over his seat, as he wobbled words. Suman nodded her head.
Shravan could feel his body freeze in the bamboo chair. Suddenly there was a rush of blood down his feet, he wanted to vomit. He would do anything but not let Vikram say that it was his idea. But before he could do anything Vikram had already done the inevitable.
'It was Shravan's idea. He is my brother! RIGHT SHRAVAN!!' Vikram screamed and Bunty clapped with all his force. He almost started dancing, as Vikram joined Bunty. In no time, Bassi, Bunty, and Vikram were having a slow dance across the bonfire, pulling in Shravan, who could barely move his left arm.
Suman shot a firing glare towards Shravan's side. She stood and so did Shravan, and like a bullet, she ran inside the Tiwari house. Shravan followed suit.
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She stopped her march when she landed in her room. She kicked a vase and then tried closing the door shut when she could feel Shravan pressed on her entrance. He stood there so quiet, that for a moment she wanted to touch him and feel his presence.
'What do you want!' She almost barked at him. She didn't know that why it hurt to talk to him like that, that why she could feel her chest go heavy the moment she screamed on him.
Before he could answer she again put across her views 'I told you in the Cantt., Captain Malhotra' she gulped harder, as she particularly avoided taking his name.' that no more talking about each other's personal stuff. I don't have any problem with you and Vikram being friends, but please stop doing this to me. please!' Shravan could feel the crack in her voice as she folded her palms in a request.
'It was before we had that talk. He called me and told you were upset.' Shravan mumbled, and Suman could not help but see the movement of his lips, the sorrow of his eyes, the earnest image of their past.
Suman opened her mouth to say something, but then something strange passed between them, so she decided otherwise. After a few minutes, when her rage had calmed a bit she continued 'You can give suggestions to others, Shravan, tell them what I love. But you could barely save my happiness. What did you want to prove? You know that this case is just not a case. It was about my father's death. My mother's death!' Suman sat at the stool with a thud.
Shravan's head shot up in instant surprise. His eyes roamed across the room like an eagle as he caught Anjali Tiwari's photograph hanged with flowers, just beside Vijay Tiwari.
'Don't be surprised Shravan.' Suman's eyes had a ghost of serenity. Shravan gulped, unable to say anything. He gawked at Suman's diminishing figure, her beating, and hollow breaths as she drowned in the ocean of sorrow.
'People who truly love each other, live together. If otherwise..' she looked back at her mother's photo.' they die.' she left out a sob as Shravan moved closer.
'I didn't bring the pomp, I didn't bring the dhol wala.' Shravan blurted out, his eyes, red and watery.
Suman looked at his ashned face, his hanging mouth ends. Something cracked in her. She wanted to believe him, she wanted to listen. She wanted to hear how much he has missed her. That everything that has happened is a big hoax.
Her silence gave Shravan a bit of solace. ' I have sold out my house. The new owners are coming from the next week, but they want to carry out some wedding rituals and so they came with all pomp and show.' he let the words sink.
Suman couldn't help but nod. She looked at him and there were no second thoughts of worry or doubt. ' You got your Army Quater?' She asked him, getting up.
'You believe me? Right?' Shravan could feel a curly grin light up his face.
'I do, Captain Malhotra. I know an Army officer couldn't lie.' Suman straightened her spine, wiped her tears.
Shravan gazed at her figure, another lie she would carry in her heart. Another knot of poison in her gut, another way to cover the reality. The reality that she couldn't really move on all these years.
'No. I don't have the possession of any quarter now. They all are busy.' Shravan told 'My doctor seems to be a bit lazy in curing me. Seems as if she wants me to stay here for long.' Shravan couldn't handle her week self. He could savor her taunts to any limit if it meant she won't cry. Because, he knew that he won't be able to comfort her, to wipe her tears this time.
Suman who was offended to no limit returned his accusation 'Oh! So this is your misery. Just tell me Shravan, how did you tear the stitches.' Suman smirked as she saw Shravan's eyes lose confidence. How much she loved him like this?
'Told you, I fell.' Shravan tried his best to cover his guilty self.
Suman rolled her eyes. Another lie! Another knot of poison he would carry in his gut. Didn't she know, that such tears were possible only after somebody does a heavy weightlift, or maybe box with a punching bag? Doesn't she know, when he looks at her, how much he wants to get back to those happy times they had spent?
She had seen the ghosts of the past lingering in his eyes. She has seen him kicking all their memories in a pit of oblivion.
She walked around, closer to him. 'I know.' she whispered, with a strange warmness which made Shravan smell the fragrance of their togetherness.
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