OS: Can't Go Back [Continuation of Can't Let Her Go]

Plot-wise all you need to know is that upon months of searching he finally found Gauri through an NGO that recently discovered "the patient" had a husband. Among other issues, Gauri's been despondent & doesn't partake in a great deal of human interaction. Her will to live & cooperate with the medical staff is also on a considerable decline. Apart from identification, Omkara's also been requested to aid in rehabilitating "the patient."

It's kind of long and I dabble into a bunch of irrelevant details regarding a minor character because I have a thing for that sort of detail, feel free to ignore as it's not that relevant to the "larger RiKara story." Mrs. Moore (the minor character) just helps establish further the overall theme of this OS.

TW/

She woke up to a face she never thought she'd see again, at least not in this lifetime. He seemed to have, rather comfortably, made space for himself against her chest and...in between her arms?

She quickly realized her arms enclosed around the frame of his head and jerked them away in shock. She must've really out of it, she assumed.

The sudden movement was enough to wake him up, he stirred a bit first before finally opening his eyes to see that it infact, wasn't a dream.

He took her confused face in and couldn't help but smile. He had found her.

The nurse broke the silence, wheeling her breakfast & morning pills to the door-frame, gesturing Om to come speak with her in the hallway.

"This one very malnourished, many many vitamin pill she has. This one for iron, big orange one is Vitamin C, and this one Vitamin D. Meal or no meal, doesn't matter," she explained in her accented English, "This one anxiety. Make sure she take, if she take, with food. So give her with breakfast, if she tak--"

"If?" he stopped her, feeling the guilt make its way back as his mind began to register the list of pills.

"Well this one, she very difficult about the medication, so it's depend on her mood you know? Sometime I feel, she don't want to get better," she continued in her thick Portuguese accent, "Ay, you know, sometime she remind me of my daughter. To this date, I never knew why she...she just kept pain, all inside, never tell nothing to no one, and then one day..." the nurse who's name he finally read as Mrs. Moore stopped, upon realizing that maybe she'd started rambling again.

The old woman couldn't help it though, her heart ached for Gauri in a way she couldn't exactly explain. It reminded her of the tragedy that led her to renounce the life she knew and devote the remainder of her life to volunteer work & charity hospitals. India'd never been specifically part of the plan, but the need for volunteer medical staff here was surprising. It was only after her daughter commit suicide that she realized the need for outlets, the need for help, and the need to be able to provide people with that. Till this day she can only guess what led her to take that decision, but it made her want to be able to be there for people who maybe like her daughter felt like they had no one.

Because what a hopeless feeling might that be.

"I..understand, I'll see to it that she takes her medication." Om filled in the silence with a generic yet heartfelt response.

Clearing her throat, Mrs. Moore, finished reciting the rest of her morning regimen, "And this, her breakfast. Suitable for her deficiency, this she must eat, even if she don't wanna. Okay?"

He didn't know where to look or how to sound. Surely they must have questions. Why him, why now, why so late. Where had he'd been.

It wasn't that he was ashamed to answer. The least he deserved was public humiliation. But it was just his sheer lack of answers. There seemed no rational way to explain his foolishness, no choice of words were harsh enough to depict the grave reality of his actions.

"Okay," Omkara replied taking the cart from her hands to relieve her of her duties.

Before he could even hear the door click shut, he heard her speak, "Chale jaiye yahan se."

He took a deep breath, knowing convincing her was not going to be easy. And rightfully so. But he needed to, if not for himself than for her. She deserved everything.

His everything.

"Pehle tum yeh naashta..." he opened up the yogurt and searched the utensils for a spoon.

"Suna nahi aapne," she grew irriated. Her voice raspy from lack of use.

"Gauri, look I know..." he tried calming her down, finally finding the spoon & making his way to the bed.

"Know what?" she finally exclaimed, exasperated. "Know that you're sorry? That you want to make it up to me? That you want to FIX THIS? What else do you know about you Om, tell me I'm dying to find out. Because clearly that's all that ever mattes."

"Gauri, that's not..I..." he finally sighed in defeat, "Like you said, I am terribly sorry. But that doesn't even cut it, it's not something I expect you to believe. But I'll show you, every single day...if you jus--"

"Again. YOU're sorry, YOU'll make it up, YOU'll show me. What about me Om? What about what it makes me feel to have something I'd been trying so desperately to forget for months just pop up out of nowhere without notice? What about the parts of me that I sacrificed in exchange for a chance at making peace with myself, parts that I might never get back?" she searched his confused eyes for an answer.

Finally after no answer, she continued, calmer this time, "Om do you have any idea of what it's like to have...nothing. Or even worse, to have no one?"

His eyes, in clear defeat now, just responded in the negative, ready to hear her out. Because maybe they finally understood the importance of seeing the world through her lens.

"With Maa passing away just a few weeks after..."

"I disgracefully kicked you out," he finished, self-hatred punctuated every word. There was no need for embellishments, at least not for him.

"...after that," she continued surprised at his choice of words, for a second buying into the affection his eyes claimed to have for her, "There was nothing. I had nothing. There was not one person in this entire world that I mattered to. And I learnt to live with that. Or rather, learnt that was impossible to live with. It was perhaps," her voice broke, "the hardest thing I ever had to do."

His thumb, instinctively made its way to her cheek, wiping away tears that had no right falling on his watch.

"I didn't meant to be the 'difficult patient,' I'm just...a pointless one. A sense of purpose failed to find its way to me when I lost my sense of existence."

"And I can't just 'go back.' It's not that simple for things to just 'go back' to the way they were Om. I took the broken remainders of myself and put somehow, someway, put them back together. I can't risk doing that again," she whispered. All evidence of anger disappeared from her eyes.

What was left was the abandon she felt, deep within. The one he'd left her with.

"Then we won't 'go back," he brought a spoonful of yogurt to her face. "You'll go forward, and if it has to be without me," he said bringing a napkin to the corner of her mouth, refusing to make eye contact, "then so be it."

_________

Wow that came out far more depressing than I intended. But these were just some thoughts I'd associated with this storyline, Gauri & the themes I wanted to explore (being abandoned, orphaned, lacking purpose, trauma & coping). Ultimately I just wanted Omkara to take this in, and realize that apologies are about the person you hurt, not about the relief their forgiveness will bring to you. And so while I have my own little happy ending to this story in mind, I wanted to leave it open to just him helping her rebuild her life, without expecting her companionship in return.

Anywas I hope you liked it? Let me know what you thought!

-A

I am just feeling gouri's pain

And Om's pain too ... OMG...

Don't know whether we'll get such a scene on screen...

Will you continue this yaar... I want to see how they will mend the pieces of this broken rishtha ...

Please please do pm yaar, if not I might miss these...

Its tooo emotional...