Privacy in married life

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-Aarya-

@-Aarya-

Dazzler

Posted: 10 years ago

#21

Originally posted by: AryaDrayCoByrne
^

that indeed is a very tough question. if it is in your mind is it necessary to tell you partner? plus I believe that may cause your partner inadvertently to look at themselves and begin comparisons and then so on until they end up on a very slippery slope (regardless of how secure your relationship is). if it someone unreachable like a celebrity for example then I think the partner would be less worried and probably laugh it off than if it was someone they conceived that could affect the relationship.

That's exactly my point, there is no trust (absolute) in any relationship, so where does privacy really stand...

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not.here

@not.here

Inactive

Posted: 10 years ago

#22

if there is one thing i have learnt is that even though there is no absolute trust there is no confident person either. everyone is insecure. they have different motives on it. when it comes to privacy - it is a bit different as you have to ask what is it i am trying to hide? what will be the effect of what i hide? do i usually hide things? if someone hides it from me how will i react? things like that.

take me (i can't give any other example). i am a very private person but i am also a very open person. the things i consider private are usual things like my passwords and stuff. those i won't tell anyone because that is how they work. i also keep my thoughts to myself most of the time because the ones i think can be hurtful if i do not process them and deal with them before replying.

yet if someone asked me can i look at your messages (i have no partner at all - i'm a single lady 🤣) i would be like okay because i know that there really is nothing to look at in my messages. (i'm a boring single lady 😆) if someone asked me what do i think of that person (boy or girl) i would give a rough description but they would not entertain my fancy.

so privacy needs definition i think and then considering the impact of hiding stuff and telling stuff. people hide things for good reasons - why do they do that? why are people attracted to mysterious people with lots of secrets? lots of questions arise in my mind.

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-Aarya-

@-Aarya-

Dazzler

Posted: 10 years ago

#23

Originally posted by: AryaDrayCoByrne
if there is one thing i have learnt is that even though there is no absolute trust there is no confident person either. everyone is insecure. they have different motives on it. when it comes to privacy - it is a bit different as you have to ask what is it i am trying to hide? what will be the effect of what i hide? do i usually hide things? if someone hides it from me how will i react? things like that.

take me (i can't give any other example). i am a very private person but i am also a very open person. the things i consider private are usual things like my passwords and stuff. those i won't tell anyone because that is how they work. i also keep my thoughts to myself most of the time because the ones i think can be hurtful if i do not process them and deal with them before replying.

yet if someone asked me can i look at your messages (i have no partner at all - i'm a single lady 🤣) i would be like okay because i know that there really is nothing to look at in my messages. (i'm a boring single lady 😆) if someone asked me what do i think of that person (boy or girl) i would give a rough description but they would not entertain my fancy.

so privacy needs definition i think and then considering the impact of hiding stuff and telling stuff. people hide things for good reasons - why do they do that? why are people attracted to mysterious people with lots of secrets? lots of questions arise in my mind.

😆 to all the single ladies quote!

Is privacy really relevant, since is a thing of the past...
Privacy is an individual choice but should not be governed by others...

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not.here

@not.here

Inactive

Posted: 10 years ago

#24

😆 -- beyonce has spoken

in this day and age privacy has no relevance with various organisations and apps having built in stuff to detect you. if you choose to interact on the internet or with technology then you do so at your risk because you will have a trace wherever you go. governmental organisations and spying has always been around. secrets are only secrets when they are not shared, written down and has only one person to carry it and end it with them. living under the radar is hard now.

i agree privacy is an individual choice. there is nothing wrong with being private but balance like someone said before is the key to it all. what you choose to be private about and what you choose to be honest about - you have to mutually decide which is important and which is not in your particular relationship. who you are keeping secrets from and how they react to that. it is maha complicated!

the world is complicated! we revel in secrets but we hate secrets. it attracts us and repels us.

now when you say it should not be governed by others - that is an idealistic situation. say you took privacy away from a relationship between two people and extracted it to cover the state and the people of the state, then as citizens you would demand a transparent government right? in this case privacy is being governed by others is it not?

keeping with the topic that is made and not digressing i think when two people get together then they should be like Sheldon and Amy from the big bang theory and have a relationship contract where they write down every thing that concerns their relationship and outline their privacy in a clause. that way everyone is clear about stuff and everything is clear. will that stop arguments? no. will that stop your emotions and insecurities? no.

but it is certainly an inventive idea where you can always be clear where you are 'supposed' to stand and add even more complexities but with a pseudo legal dimension. 🤣

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-Aarya-

@-Aarya-

Dazzler

Posted: 10 years ago

#25

Originally posted by: AryaDrayCoByrne
😆 -- beyonce has spoken ..

Haha, can you blame me 😆

in this day and age privacy has no relevance with various organisations and apps having built in stuff to detect you. if you choose to interact on the internet or with technology then you do so at your risk because you will have a trace wherever you go. governmental organisations and spying has always been around. secrets are only secrets when they are not shared, written down and has only one person to carry it and end it with them. living under the radar is hard now.

i agree privacy is an individual choice. there is nothing wrong with being private but balance like someone said before is the key to it all. what you choose to be private about and what you choose to be honest about - you have to mutually decide which is important and which is not in your particular relationship. who you are keeping secrets from and how they react to that. it is maha complicated! The world is complicated! we revel in secrets but we hate secrets. it attracts us and repels us.

now when you say it should not be governed by others - that is an idealistic situation. say you took privacy away from a relationship between two people and extracted it to cover the state and the people of the state, then as citizens you would demand a transparent government right? in this case privacy is being governed by others is it not?

Assuming that I even believe in having a transparent government, and why have we come to a point where we even need to have a transparent government is whole different ball game (discussion)!

I may force a person or group to be transparent, doesn't mean it's not their choice to be private, just because I ask for transparency does not mean I should get it and should have it.

keeping ith the topic that is made and not digressing i think when two people get together then they should be like Sheldon and Amy from the big bang theory and have a relationship contract where they write down every thing that concerns their relationship and outline their privacy in a clause. that way everyone is clear about stuff and everything is clear. will that stop arguments? no. will that stop your emotions and insecurities? no.

Are you asking what's the purpose of keeping privacy?

but it is certainly an inventive idea where you can always be clear where you are 'supposed' to stand and add even more complexities but with a pseudo legal dimension. 🤣

Edited by -Aarya- - 10 years ago

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not.here

@not.here

Inactive

Posted: 10 years ago

#26

No I can not blame you at all.

I came to that point only to give an example where what should and should not be private is governed by others. Hence I also said that I should not digress since you are right it is another ball game.

No, asking does not entail getting. There are no guarantees at all and neither should there be force. But there are times when you ask and hope you do get some answers. Again digressing so I will discontinue that thought.

I am not asking what's the purpose of keeping privacy but somehow offhandedly and unintentionally asking why tell the truth I think. Even telling the truth has problems in relationships. It's one of those things when you do you are damned and when you don't you're still damned. Even when you are brutally honest and fair and open - it still hurts and problems are created etc.

This discussion leads me to think that a monastic life contemplating on life's bigger mysteries appears more illuminating than a relationship. You get to keep your privacy and your truth without hurting others ... however it comes at a price.

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not.here

@not.here

Inactive

Posted: 10 years ago

#27

personally I always tell the truth. I find it easier than to sow the seeds of lies and then have the whole tree fall on me after - but only when someone asks me to.

Ones job is tell the truth,

I do not think it is. this is something you have been conditioned to believe: that telling truth is good and keeping secrets is bad. but that is another discussion.

and not worry about the consequences,

foresight and tact in dealing with people saves you from dealing with unpleasant consequences therefore I always believe in the "think before you speak" adage.

if your worried about the consequences then why tell the truth in the first place, why share?

^ this to me is the issue in question. why? why share, why be open. because the person you are in a relationship with you has for some reason belief that they can absolutely trust you because you love them. we already discussed that there is no such thing as absolute trust and privacy is not something you can afford in this day and age. you only tell the truth because of expectations of open and honest relationships, because of conditioning from childhood that telling the truth is good, because of your own principles as you don't want it on your conscious and because someone said that it is good to do so somewhere down the line etc. (that last one is terrible example)

It's the other person's job to accept the truth in any form they perceive,

what if that form of truth they accepted is a misunderstanding whereupon they totally have the wrong end of the stick! that is not the truth is it? yes you have fulfilled your responsibility of telling the truth but like in Chinese whispers you have not ensured that it has not remained undistorted therefore your truth became a half truth or worse a lie in their eyes and you have returned back to square one.

it should not fall on your consciousness for telling the truth!

but it does as you are generally bought up to believe that to be a good person you need to tell the truth. that honesty is the best policy and if you do believe in that then telling the truth will be on your conscious a lot.

In another words you are not responsible for other person's perception. I strongly believe in statement "truth shall set you free", it's one's free will

i agree you may not be responsible for other person's perception but if you do not ensure that they do not understand correctly then you cannot cry foul later. the truth can set you free but it can also set a whole lot of other things free too - a bit like Pandora's box.

yes telling the truth is one's free will but how far can you take the whole free will argument. how far can you do what you want until someone or something imposes boundaries upon you because you have begun to negatively affect or endanger others?

if you are going to interact with a lot of people in order to keep the peace then some of the free will will have to be exchanged in order to keep harmony - else you get chaos. now I know that what I am saying in this last particular part is a gross exaggeration but I do believe that if you want harmony in a group then people have to start thinking about others. in essence other people's thoughts will start to affect your own thoughts and behaviour including this concept of why should other people affect your choice to tell the truth and why privacy can not be absolute and why even though there is no absolute trust - there is an expectation that the members can trust each other to a certain extent.

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later ;)

@QuietlyLoud

Voyager

+ 2

Posted: 10 years ago

#28

Originally posted by: -Aarya-

And what are those things and how do you know what things would have what impact on relationships? There are no set rules...

Let's assume (for the sake of debating), you are in a secure relationship, and you find another guy or girl attractive (through your thought process), would you share that information with your partner (keep in mind you have not pursed that attraction any further, it's just in your mind)?

Alright, for the sake of debating, I'll modify what I said earlier.

As a general rule of thumb,I'd say it is wise to share things that YOU think may have a possible effect on the relationship.

Now that should make sense.What the person thinks is important.Relationship is between two people.That two people could be just about anyone from anywhere.From a couple who are part of a nomadic African tribe to an affluent European society,and to everything that falls in between.So generalizing what all things are to be shared sound silly.

As for your question,.I'm answering it on the ground that I just find the person attractive.I have no plans in pursuing that attraction.Well, if you think otherwise then sharing the thought with your partner is just like asking to end the relationship.😆

Again the answer is subjective.If I live in a society which is much gender segregated,the relations with opposite sex other than marriage (even friendship) is not encouraged, then I may not share it.

On the other hand,If I were living in a more liberal society ,I'm comfortable with my partner to discuss just about anything then I might.

Edited by QuietlyLoud - 10 years ago

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-Aarya-

@-Aarya-

Dazzler

Posted: 10 years ago

#29

Originally posted by: QuietlyLoud

Alright, for the sake of debating, I'll modify what I said earlier.

As a general rule of thumb,I'd say it is wise to share things that YOU think may have a possible effect on the relationship.

Now that should make sense.What the person thinks is important.Relationship is between two people.That two people could be just about anyone from anywhere.From a couple who are part of a nomadic African tribe to an affluent European society,and to everything that falls in between.So generalizing what all things are to be shared sound silly.

As for your question,.I'm answering it on the ground that I just find the person attractive.I have no plans in pursuing that attraction.Well, if you think otherwise then sharing the thought with your partner is just like asking to end the relationship.😆

Aarya: Again you are assuming that the relationship will end, he or she might even propose "let's have an open relationship", screw who ever you want while I do the same, mentally or physically

Again the answer is subjective.If I live in a society which is much gender segregated,the relations with opposite sex other than marriage (even friendship) is not encouraged, then I may not share it.
On the other hand,If I were living in a more liberal society ,I'm comfortable with my partner to discuss just about anything then I might.

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not.here

@not.here

Inactive

Posted: 10 years ago

#30

Aarya: If asked, you should tell the truth! It's your choice to tell the truth or not, it's really up to you as it all comes down to ones choice!

I already agreed to this so why the exclamation marks 😆

That is the policy I work on.

Aarya: "Think before you speak" does not mean you should hide the truth and that phrase really apply to how others will perceive the truth, it's not your call. If you start thinking how others will react to the truth, then you are allowing them to make that decision for you and you are loosing your free-will to choose. You can not decide for other how they will perceive the truth, even if you know for sure they will react negatively or positively, it's really their perception and should not hold you accountable. And if they are holding you accountable then it's really their lost and not yours. In the end you will still be glad that you spoke the truth.

think before you speak does not entail hiding the truth in my opinion. it does not affect the truth. it simply means be prepared. how other people perceive the truth may not be my call but it definitely does affect me so i will definitely have my moment of thinking about all the consequences even though i am not going to let it affect my choice. if I think about the effect of what I say I do not believe they are influencing my free will at all. i am simply being a person who takes into account everything before deciding. that final decision is mine. of course in the end anyone will be glad they spoke the truth though they may not be glad about what the truth led to.

Aarya: "Why" is really not a question here, but it's an answer! You are sharing because you want to, because you choose to share. I believe you have already answered your own question here :)

actually why was the question here in my opinion and i did answer it in my own roundabout way.

Aarya: If they perceive the truth in wrong form and it creates a misunderstanding in their mind, how can you be hold responsible for their misunderstanding. Can you think and perceive for others? It's really an individual choice, not governed by others.

it may be an individual's choice but i can still make sure the distorted truth and misunderstandings are not in their head. i can be held responsible if i was the one who did not ensure that they got the right end of the stick.

Aarya: It's your consciousness which is making the decision to tell the truth, correct, so the impact should be negative or positive?

that as you have argued depends on the perception and understanding of the person hearing it.

Aarya: If those

boundaries are impose to hide the truth, then you are in a wrong relationship, it's not worth it and it's not worth our discussion here either :)

you have confused me here. i was speaking in a general sense and now have lost track but i will not dwell on it.