LOVE - a small four letter word but with depth more than the Mariana Trench. It is the trickiest labyrinth and solving it is practically impossible. Loving someone is just like sitting on a cactus, painful. At the same time love gives you a strange feeling, a feeling of pure bliss. These thoughts ran past my mind as I walked towards the guesthouse' carrying my love, Sharon, in my arms. Anger coursed through my veins and I saw red as I recalled the incident which occurred sometime back. That filthy little rascal, how dare he even touch Sharon? I would have beaten him into pulp if I had my way but I placated myself with a punch. And it wasn't in my skin to keep on beating someone just to let out your anger, moreover I was not stupid to pick up a brawl against the sarpanch's son with a horde of angry villagers already looming over our heads. My body stiffened as my anger grew. I was confused towards whom my anger was directed to, towards Alok, for taking advantage of Sharon's half-conscious state? Towards Sharon, for not having paid heed to my warning? Or towards myself, for not being with Sharon when I should have?
It was my fault in a way. I should have clearly told Sharon why I was stopping her from communicating with Alok. I shouldn't have lost my cool when she kept retorting me and asked me if I was jealous. It was my fault, just my fault. The frustration and guilt inside took form of tears and I felt my vision getting blurred. I caught a hold on myself before my tears could start flowing. I knew Sharon would come to know I was crying and I couldn't let her know that she affected me to such an extent.
The reason I was angry with myself was because I was scared. I was scared thinking about what would have happened if I had not reached there at time. I shuddered at the thought of it. I could have never forgiven myself if anything had happened to Sharon today. My heartbreak at her rejection was nothing in front of the pain I felt when I saw Sharon falling upon me after I had dealt with Alok. My train of thoughts broke as Sharon snuggled into my neck. I looked down at her and saw her droopy eyes looking at me, a slight smile on her lips. I simply stared at her as she rested her head against my shoulder and closed her eyes, a content smile on her face as if there was nothing more which she desired.
I cursed myself once again. I had indirectly provoked Sharon to behave sweetly with Alok by telling her not to. This was the same which had happened with Shivam. Whenever the equations between us were complicated, Sharon would always do the opposite of what I said. She would purposely go out of the way to irritate me or to show me down without thinking of the consequences. Maybe I WAS the wrong of her life. Maybe we are really not meant to be, otherwise why would I always be the reason behind her getting hurt in some or the other way?
I should have been with her, that too after knowing what type of a man Alok was. So what if we were not a couple? I loved her didn't I? So why couldn't I keep a look on her to make sure all was right?
We reached the guesthouse'. I carried her inside and placed her down on the mattress, carefully. As I got up, I felt a tug at my sleeve and saw Sharon looking at me.
"Swayam, mujhe dar lag raha hai."
I cringed. I fought the urge to hug her then and there and assured her that I wasn't going anywhere. She withdrew her hand unwillingly and closed her eyes trying to sleep. I seated myself on the stool and gazed at her. Her face was disturbed and I saw her rubbing her palms on her arms. I kneeled beside her, removed her shoes, and spread the blanket over her. She pulled the blanket more over herself and slept peacefully.
Time passed. I just couldn't take my eyes off Sharon and I started contemplating. I couldn't help but feel guilty for today. All the incidents since our break up flashed past my eyes. We were both at fault for whatever happened between us. The only difference was the intensity of our faults. Sharon's mistakes were on a large scale and thus overshadowed mine. My mind went to the day of the announcement room fiasco and my heart beat painfully at the thought of it. Whatever Sharon said, I still couldn't get over that incident. Her rejection in front of the whole college had left a permanent scar on my heart. I couldn't believe that it was a reflex. The pain I had undergone after the rejection was torturous.
If that wasn't enough, Sharon even faked her friendship with Kriya for getting me back. I was hurt by her this action. And I was angry with myself because I had made her fake friendship indirectly. But even after my confronting her about it, she continued to remain friends with Kriya. That instilled doubt in my mind. Maybe she really considered Kriya as her friend. I felt incredibly guilty as I remembered my harsh words to her on the annual day. Our conservation at the get together for Kriya had opened my eyes. I had realized then how wrong I was to judge her. My thoughts were disturbed as Sharon tossed in her sleep throwing the blanket away. I put the blanket over her once again and smiled internally at her child-like innocence as she slept.
I was tired, tired of staying away from Sharon. Our love story was just spinning in circles, like a merry-go-round rather a sad-go-round. But I wasn't sure whether Sharon really loved me. I couldn't impose myself on her when she didn't love me. I would never want that. But then all the sweet memories of our relationship and Sharon's efforts to get me back gate crashed my mind. The hugs, the kisses, the fulfilling of my wishes by Sharon, the Pehla nasha dance. I had never felt more special than on the day when Sharon initiated the dance. Sharon trying to be my dream girl, her continuous efforts to win my heart all flooded my brain with Godspeed. Maybe Sharon did love me, just like I did her. Maybe we were meant to be. Maybe this all was just a test for our love. I felt a new hope rise inside me as I looked at Sharon's sleeping face. The thought that she did love me had made all the difference in the world.
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