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[YOUTUBE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VnRGKTzNZx8[/YOUTUBE]
Five hits in a row, and you were the toast of Bollywood. Then it came crashing down with a series of flops. Given how intense you are, is failure also much harder to deal with?
Yes, the heartbreak is so much more, especially after seeing such a high. After a string of successful films people told me, 'You have the midas touch. How do you choose such scripts?' I have done lengthy talks and sessions on that...and then these films started failing (laughs!). I thought to myself...I hope I didn't give these talks too early in my life. It was devastating. I went through a roller coaster, also because I was going through health issues. Generally, when you are physically low, everything else gets magnified. When 'Ghanchakkar' failed, I felt that I had personally failed my husband Siddharth (Roy Kapur) as his company had produced it and it was our first film post marriage. Initially, I didn't accept it, I kept saying...kal collections accha ho jayega. Then 'Shaadi Ke Side Effects' and 'Bobby Jasoos' followed. People told me that the audience wanted to see more of me in women-centric films, but 'Bobby Jasoos' was that.
Did this phase compel you to rethink your choices?
Before 'Hamari Adhuri Kahaani' ('HAK'), (Mahesh) Bhatt saab called me and said, 'I have some concerns that your films haven't worked post marriage'. I told him there is nothing I can do about that, and I have no qualms if he chose to cast someone else. Incidentally, I had gone to speak to him about leaving the film because of my health issues, and when he expressed his concern, I thought it was universe's way of saying this isn't working out. That was a tough day for me, as I came home and opted out of Sujoy's film, too. I told Bhatt saab, 'I don't regret being married, and I don't know why the films haven't worked. To me, it is not because I am a married woman, but because the films failed. If that's the perception, I don't want you to carry that baggage.' I am so glad that he was blatantly honest. It made me question if there was some truth to this myth of married actresses in Bollywood. When I looked around me, I saw that Kareena (Kapoor Khan) had just delivered a hit in a typically commercial film. Aishwarya (Rai Bachchan) had also been signed on for 'Ae Dil Hai Mushkil', so this couldn't be a measure. Sometimes you feel that it doesn't matter how much you have achieved, one failure and you are back to square one.
But you went ahead and did 'HAK'...
Bhatt saab told me that he had written the script for me and he wouldn't do the film with anybody else. He also told me, 'Keep the script. Even at 50 if you want, you can get some director to make this'. However, he had another concern " he wanted me to lose weight. I said I couldn't promise that as I was going through a health issue. I am someone who enjoys exercising and eating right, but my body had changed. For three-and-a-half years I was being medicated for a condition which had messed with my system completely. When I went off the medication, it was like a boomerang. I told him that I would walk out of his office with as much respect, but I couldn't take the pressure of him wanting his leading lady to look lighter. I was sure that I wasn't going to go under the knife, or do liposuction. After having achieved so much, you are eventually judged on the basis of your body. And poor body of mine...how much judgement and criticism it has gone through. And I am not talking in respect to my conversation with Bhatt saab, but the general perception of people. I had reached a stage where I said that I don't want to be judged anymore, so if it means not doing a role, it is okay. I feel desirable, but if there is a certain standard of desirability I don't fit into, I can't help it. 'HAK' got delayed due to Emraan Hashmi's son's health and I ended up doing the film. I will always appreciate that Bhatt saab was brutally honest with me " that's Mahesh Bhatt for you. Even today, I can't bear to see 'Bobby Jasoos', as I was at my lowest point. It reminds me of a time in my life when I was not feeling good about myself. And today, it's not like my situation has changed, my attitude has. I'm back to accepting and loving myself.
So after 'HAK', you decided to take a break...
I took a break to think if I wanted to continue doing what I was doing. Since I was 11, I only wanted to act, and suddenly I felt that I was losing my dream. I was unsure about the one passion I lived for. On the last day of 'HAK' shoot (and no one knows this) I told my family that I was not going to get back to work for a while. I started refusing offers. Siddharth was confused, and my family patiently listened to me. They let me vent, cry and even bore the brunt of it. I would write my thoughts down, sometimes shred it to pieces, too. I was just purging all the angst and anger (there was a lot of it) out of my system, it was difficult. I wasn't convinced about the perception of married actresses in our industry, but I guess, Bhatt saab actually vocalised it for me. It's like your worst fear coming true. I went through a process of extricating all these thoughts out of my system. Slowly, I realised my value as an individual, woman and actor. When you get rid of all the excess baggage, you begin to accept yourself again. I am still reeling under the effect of medication that has wrecked my system. My body has changed dramatically.
During 'The Dirty Picture', it was a revelation to see everyone applaud you for putting on weight and flaunting it with such abandon for a role. Then quickly people started body-shaming and criticising you for the same weight...
That's right! If you put on weight for a role, everyone says... 'Arre wah, what an actor!' Then they bring you down for the same thing. After 'The Dirty Picture', I thought that if there were any issues that I had with my body and weight...I had let myself go. But then, the universe came knocking at my door and said, 'Hello, I am still here and there are things about yourself that you still need to accept'. It is not easy to be told by everyone... 'OMG! You have lost weight, or you have put on weight, why don't you exercise'. The comment is, after all, always about weight loss or gain. I feel it's none of your business. Now, it doesn't bother me, I am feeling good and happy in my space. I am back to work with a vengeance. I had to go through all this to understand what my passion means to me. Looking back, I can't imagine that I had reached a stage where I thought I would give it all up. These cycles happen and I am happy admitting that I have gone through it and I have come out stronger and happier. I was meant to go through it to accept more of myself.
Five hits in a row, and you were the toast of Bollywood. Then it came crashing down with a series of flops. Given how intense you are, is failure also much harder to deal with?
Yes, the heartbreak is so much more, especially after seeing such a high. After a string of successful films people told me, 'You have the midas touch. How do you choose such scripts?' I have done lengthy talks and sessions on that...and then these films started failing (laughs!). I thought to myself...I hope I didn't give these talks too early in my life. It was devastating. I went through a roller coaster, also because I was going through health issues. Generally, when you are physically low, everything else gets magnified. When 'Ghanchakkar' failed, I felt that I had personally failed my husband Siddharth (Roy Kapur) as his company had produced it and it was our first film post marriage. Initially, I didn't accept it, I kept saying...kal collections accha ho jayega. Then 'Shaadi Ke Side Effects' and 'Bobby Jasoos' followed. People told me that the audience wanted to see more of me in women-centric films, but 'Bobby Jasoos' was that.
Did this phase compel you to rethink your choices?
Before 'Hamari Adhuri Kahaani' ('HAK'), (Mahesh) Bhatt saab called me and said, 'I have some concerns that your films haven't worked post marriage'. I told him there is nothing I can do about that, and I have no qualms if he chose to cast someone else. Incidentally, I had gone to speak to him about leaving the film because of my health issues, and when he expressed his concern, I thought it was universe's way of saying this isn't working out. That was a tough day for me, as I came home and opted out of Sujoy's film, too. I told Bhatt saab, 'I don't regret being married, and I don't know why the films haven't worked. To me, it is not because I am a married woman, but because the films failed. If that's the perception, I don't want you to carry that baggage.' I am so glad that he was blatantly honest. It made me question if there was some truth to this myth of married actresses in Bollywood. When I looked around me, I saw that Kareena (Kapoor Khan) had just delivered a hit in a typically commercial film. Aishwarya (Rai Bachchan) had also been signed on for 'Ae Dil Hai Mushkil', so this couldn't be a measure. Sometimes you feel that it doesn't matter how much you have achieved, one failure and you are back to square one.
But you went ahead and did 'HAK'...
Bhatt saab told me that he had written the script for me and he wouldn't do the film with anybody else. He also told me, 'Keep the script. Even at 50 if you want, you can get some director to make this'. However, he had another concern " he wanted me to lose weight. I said I couldn't promise that as I was going through a health issue. I am someone who enjoys exercising and eating right, but my body had changed. For three-and-a-half years I was being medicated for a condition which had messed with my system completely. When I went off the medication, it was like a boomerang. I told him that I would walk out of his office with as much respect, but I couldn't take the pressure of him wanting his leading lady to look lighter. I was sure that I wasn't going to go under the knife, or do liposuction. After having achieved so much, you are eventually judged on the basis of your body. And poor body of mine...how much judgement and criticism it has gone through. And I am not talking in respect to my conversation with Bhatt saab, but the general perception of people. I had reached a stage where I said that I don't want to be judged anymore, so if it means not doing a role, it is okay. I feel desirable, but if there is a certain standard of desirability I don't fit into, I can't help it. 'HAK' got delayed due to Emraan Hashmi's son's health and I ended up doing the film. I will always appreciate that Bhatt saab was brutally honest with me " that's Mahesh Bhatt for you. Even today, I can't bear to see 'Bobby Jasoos', as I was at my lowest point. It reminds me of a time in my life when I was not feeling good about myself. And today, it's not like my situation has changed, my attitude has. I'm back to accepting and loving myself.
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So after 'HAK', you decided to take a break...
I took a break to think if I wanted to continue doing what I was doing. Since I was 11, I only wanted to act, and suddenly I felt that I was losing my dream. I was unsure about the one passion I lived for. On the last day of 'HAK' shoot (and no one knows this) I told my family that I was not going to get back to work for a while. I started refusing offers. Siddharth was confused, and my family patiently listened to me. They let me vent, cry and even bore the brunt of it. I would write my thoughts down, sometimes shred it to pieces, too. I was just purging all the angst and anger (there was a lot of it) out of my system, it was difficult. I wasn't convinced about the perception of married actresses in our industry, but I guess, Bhatt saab actually vocalised it for me. It's like your worst fear coming true. I went through a process of extricating all these thoughts out of my system. Slowly, I realised my value as an individual, woman and actor. When you get rid of all the excess baggage, you begin to accept yourself again. I am still reeling under the effect of medication that has wrecked my system. My body has changed dramatically.
During 'The Dirty Picture', it was a revelation to see everyone applaud you for putting on weight and flaunting it with such abandon for a role. Then quickly people started body-shaming and criticising you for the same weight...
That's right! If you put on weight for a role, everyone says... 'Arre wah, what an actor!' Then they bring you down for the same thing. After 'The Dirty Picture', I thought that if there were any issues that I had with my body and weight...I had let myself go. But then, the universe came knocking at my door and said, 'Hello, I am still here and there are things about yourself that you still need to accept'. It is not easy to be told by everyone... 'OMG! You have lost weight, or you have put on weight, why don't you exercise'. The comment is, after all, always about weight loss or gain. I feel it's none of your business. Now, it doesn't bother me, I am feeling good and happy in my space. I am back to work with a vengeance. I had to go through all this to understand what my passion means to me. Looking back, I can't imagine that I had reached a stage where I thought I would give it all up. These cycles happen and I am happy admitting that I have gone through it and I have come out stronger and happier. I was meant to go through it to accept more of myself.
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/entertainment/hindi/bollywood/news/Vidya-Balan-I-feel-desirable-but-if-theres-a-standard-of-desirability-I-dont-fit-into-I-cant-help-it/articleshow/55686799.cms
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