Posted:
I am not sure if I am even going to make any sense, but I just need to get this off my chest as there is no one else I can talk about this to. I am not sure what I am feeling but I am just not feeling good since the confirmation came in from the writer of the show. It's like there is this very empty, pittish feeling in my stomach that I am absolutely unable to get rid of. It's like I am about to lose someone very close to me, or anticipating a massive heartbreak and this feeling is horrible. Just horrible. I thought I was done feeling this way about anything in life and had finally grown up, but the thought of losing this show is driving me insane.
Exactly last year same time, same week of November (my wretched birthday month) I went through something very very horrible that broke me completely, Few months down the line, my parents sent me on a vacation in the mountains for a break from the pain, and it was right then on a cold, lonely night that I came across Bepannah when I was trying to find Jab we met on the voot app. The show was just done with two episodes when I started and since then I haven't stopped, and I don't want to stop now. I had stopped reading my favorite books, watching my favorite English shows due to lack of interest in all the things that I loved doing, and this show was the only thing that I was somehow able to hang onto. Every night the bad memories from November that used to haunt me kind of got replaced by thoughts of Bepannah. The show became my way of escaping reality and it felt so so so good to do that. One of the reasons I have a soft spot for Zoya despite the many flaws in the characterization is how real she felt to me in the initial weeks when she would cry at the drop of a hat, but that in no way was a sign of her weakness. It was just her way of expressing herself while she kept going ahead. I loved that and could relate to some extent.
Now how am I suddenly expected to let go of this show that has literally kept me sane through all these months? I am in a better space now than I was a few months back due to therapy and medication, and I don't think I will need a TV show to keep me going in life, yet I do not want to let go of BP. I am just not ready. Not so soon. How do I deal with this loss? I really need help. Those who have gone through this before, is there a solution to this? How does one cope with the loss of something as silly as just a TV show but means so much more to you? I feet like talking to my mom , but I am just too embarrassed to tell her of my dependency on a show that's complete fiction and that is exactly why I am venting it all out here.
I really need BP to go on for at least a month or two more and I know it's not possible now but just how am I supposed to deal with this mess? My heart is broken and I just don't know what to do.
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