Chapter 29

Chapter 29

“You cannot go. I forbid you”

Arnav was expecting that response yet the words struck him harder than he anticipated. He could not stop himself from rising to his feet, looking at his Nani with an inscrutable expression.

"If you go there, I will never speak to you again," Devyani Singh Raizada continued, undeterred by his deadpan face.

"Are you asking me to choose between Khushi and you, Nani?" Arnav finally spoke, though his voice carried a heavy stillness.

"I am asking you to choose between your family and that wretched city," Devyani continued, still seated, her face devoid of calm.

"Akash is my family too."

"He can visit you here. I have never objected to that. But you need to be here, tending to all that you have built in this place," Devyani said.

Everyone else at the table sat in silence, witnessing the exchange between the grandson and the grandmother.

"It is settled, then. You are not going," Devyani said, when Arnav did not respond for a long moment.

Khushi stole a glance at his face and noticed the struggle written across it. He was weighing silence against speaking further.

She let out a long held breath when he chose not to say more and simply walked away from the table.

After waiting exactly five seconds, Khushi excused herself and followed him, well aware of three pairs of eyes tracking her back as she left.

By the time she reached him, he was already climbing the stairs.

"Arnav," she called.

He stopped and turned.

"Yes?" he asked.

Khushi blinked, uncertain for a moment.

"Are you okay?" she asked instead.

"Yes. Perfectly fine," he replied. She recognized the aloofness in his voice, the casual indifference he was manufacturing. It reminded her too much of the first time she had spoken to him at Sheesh Mahal, and it worried her.

"I will come find you in a while, okay?" he said.

She nodded.

He did not come find her in a while. The morning passed, and the afternoon arrived.

Arnav went to his Nani and accompanied her to the doctor's for her dialysis session.

They returned in the evening, and he appeared calm. Khushi did not know what to make of it. Has he truly given up? Was that a good sign or a troubling one?

What would her father say if she goes back alone?

She decided to wait for Arnav to come and talk to her.

~~**~~

Arnav helped Devyani settle into bed and drew the comforter over her. She looked more drained than usual after today's session, and he knew the exhaustion was not only physical. He had barely spoken to her throughout the ride to the doctor and back.

Once he had finished tucking her in, he turned to leave.

"I am not your enemy, Chote," Devyani said.

He turned and looked at the face marred with grey lines.

"I know, Nani" he replied, and turned away again.

"Then why will you not speak to me?" she asked.

"Because whatever I have to say, you will not like hearing it. It is better this way, Nani," Arnav replied.

"I do not find it better. I do not want you retreating from me. I want you to say whatever it is you wish to say. I can bear the truth. I can bear anything except you leaving," Devyani Raizada said.

Arnav considered her words for a second and then shook his head.

"I know you better than you know yourself, Nani. I know that you and I will never agree on this," he said.

“Take a seat, then. Show me how well you know me” Devyani Raizada said, a flicker of energy returning to her voice.

Arnav knew that Devyani Singh Raizada never backed away from a chance to prove herself right. And he knew this was the moment. He had been turning the words over since the morning. So he delivered the ones he knew would strike deepest.

"It was not his mistake."

Devyani Singh Raizada’s face slackened instantly. Arnav hated the sight of it, but he continued.

"I do not think he is responsible for his failed marriage with Ma, or her death."

“I don’t think it was his fault that he was a bad husband. But yes, he was a coward. A coward and a drunk who couldn’t stand up to his father for the person he loved. And, I will not become him, Nani. I will not give up. I love Khushi. That is something worth fighting for” Arnav kept speaking until he saw the expression settling over his grandmother's face.

She looked heartbroken, sad, and furious all at once.

"So you do not blame your father for Sujata's death? You do not think he failed as a husband? Have you forgotten everything, Chote? Have you forgotten your mother's tears? Her misery and her sickness? The dreadful life she was forced to live because of your father?" Devyani said, as though that were all she had absorbed from his words.

"I haven't forgotten anything. I remember all of it. But it was only half the truth, was it not, Nani? That is why you did not want me going to Lucknow. So that I would never learn the rest of it? The truth that was mine, that you kept from me. For so many years, you let me believe everything was my father's fault."

"Because it was! As you said yourself, Chote, he was a coward. A spineless man! He did not have to marry Sujata. He could have refused. But he did not. He was never much of a man to begin with, was he? He knowingly dragged Sujata into his deplorable life. And carried on his transgressions!. My daughter meant nothing to him. Her life meant nothing to him. And you, Chote, for a long time, your life meant nothing to him either."

Arnav shook his head.

"Always mixing the truth with the lies, Nani," he murmured.

"What?" Anger and shock coloured Devyani's voice.

"Ma knew the truth about Baba when she married him. He told her himself. She still insisted on the marriage. Baba agreed because he did not want Doctor Kumar's family to be hurt. I do not know if that was the right choice. I cannot decide that. You cannot decide that. Only he can. It was his life. But even after the marriage, it was Ma who tried to control Baba's life, to trick him, to deceive him. That was Ma's doing. And you know that, Nani, don't you? Baba told you everything when you came to Lucknow with me. You chose to ignore his pain, his suffering. I don't blame you for that, Nani. But you hid the truth from me. That was your mistake," Arnav said, his guard slipping, some of the bottled anger and pain slipping out.

Devyani Raizada saw it and shook her head.

“I hid the truth for your sake, Chote. To protect you from the pain! And to shield you from Birendra’s life. The life he has lived and still lives - It is a disease of the body and mind. You needed to be kept away from it. That grotesque and twisted desire? That is not love. It is an infection” Her voice had grown bitter, her face full of revulsion.

“No, it is not. It’s neither a disease nor an infection, Nani. It’s a way of life. One that he would have gladly given up if he could. But, he cannot. It’s a part of who he is. He can’t change himself any more than we can change ourselves. We all live with who we are. I can understand that you don’t agree with it. But, you don’t have to. It’s his life, Nani. We don’t get a say in that. Only he does. And I accept it. I cannot and will not resent him for being a homosexual. In the same way, I cannot ignore the truth that the foundation of this dysfunctional family was laid by Ma” Arnav said, each word like a bitter pill on his tongue.

Devyani Singh Raizada seemed shocked into silence, shaking her head.

“I know it is hard for you to accept the truth, Nani. It was hard for me too. But for how long can we survive on hate and hate alone? It’s pointless. It hurts no one but us” Arnav said, stepping closer to Devyani.

"I want a break from all this hatred, Nani. I just want to be happy. With Khushi. She has made that possible. She taught me to look toward the light, to set down the darkness we all carry inside us. If I let her go, Nani, it would be the greatest mistake of my life. I cannot imagine being without her."

Devyani studied his face, the sincerity and resolve etched into it.

"I want honesty, Chote. Answer my questions, and then you may go wherever you please. I will not stop you," she said finally.

"I have been nothing but honest today, Nani," he replied.

“Yes. Brutally honest! But, if you are going to make me face the truth then you shall face it too. Tell me, Chote. Do you want to go to Lucknow only for Khushi’s sake?”

Arnav considered the question for a second and then shook his head.

“I thought so. Why do you want to go?” Devyani followed up.

“I want to meet him.”

"Him? Why not say the word, Chote? You said it easily enough while pouring out your brutally honest truths. Why not say it again?" Devyani knew exactly which buttons she was pressing.

Arnav breathed in deeply.

“I want to meet Baba” He said, voice slow but heavy.

"So he is your father now? After all these years? Does this mean you have forgiven him?" Devyani asked.

Arnav looked away.

“He is a changed man now” He replied.

Devyani shook her head.

"That is not what I asked, Chote. Say it plainly. Have you forgiven him for making you feel like an orphan after your mother died? Have you forgotten his drunken stupors? His absolute lack of care and love for you?”

Devyani knew she had struck the right questions.

Arnav’s face had turned grim again. But, it cleared.

"It does not matter, Nani. What he did is in the past, and I do not wish to linger there any longer. As I said, Khushi has taught me to look toward the light. And the light, as I see it now, is that he has become a changed man. He is making the effort, knowing I never asked him for any of it. I never sought any favours from him, yet he offers them regardless. He is a man near the end of his life, seeking redemption. I do not wish to stand in his way. So while I may not forgive him for the past, I still want to spend time with him. That is the honest truth," Arnav said.

"Very well. One last question, then. Do you hate me for hiding the truth from you?"

Arnav immediately shook his head.

“I feel deceived, Nani. I thought you were the one person in my life who has been honest and true with me. But, then I found that to be a lie. I was hurt. I still am. But, I can’t hate you. I just wish that you too would forget the past. It brings us nothing but pain, Nani”

Devyani listened in silence, and then spoke up.

“I lost a child, Chote. My only daughter! That loss will be forgotten only after I am dead. But, I will not stop you. If you think you can forgive and move on, then I have raised you to be a better person than I am. So, go ahead. Do what you must. I will be here. Waiting for my grandson” Devyani replied, her voice steadier and calmer than Arnav had ever heard it.

It made Arnav’s heart crack with happiness. And Devyani Raizada saw that. She knew he would have gone to Lucknow regardless of what she said. This was the better way. It was better if he went happily. Because, despite everything, she did want him happy! Yet fear still lingered somewhere in her chest.

“You will come back, won’t you, Chote?”

In that single question, Arnav finally saw her true worry, the real reason behind her stubborn insistence on keeping him in Delhi.

"This is my home, Nani. I belong nowhere but here, with you. I will come back," he said, and a tear finally slipped down her cheek.

"That is my Chote," she said, and Arnav pulled her into a hug, a smile breaking across his face.

~~**~~

It was late in the evening and Khushi hadn’t joined the family for tea. She couldn’t help but keep thinking about Arnav.

He had seemed aloof in the morning and she hadn’t seen him since then. It was like he was purposely avoiding her.

It could only mean that he didn’t want to fight with his Nani. It was understandable. His Nani is the only stable family he has had. It wouldn’t be a surprise if he gives in to her wishes.

Khushi wouldn’t resent him if he did. Yet, just the thought that he might not go back with her made her eyes sting. She had played her last card when she had chosen to come to Delhi. If this didn’t work out, she had no other chances left.

Her Babuji will understand in the long run and might forgive her for this step, but he wouldn’t allow her any more liberties. She will have to forget Arnav. Marry someone else. Spend her life with someone else.

More gloomy thoughts crowded her mind with every passing minute.

"Hey." It was the sound of Arnav's voice that made her quickly wipe away her tears.

She sat up on the bed and looked at him, forcing a smile.

“Hey” She said.

"Were you crying just now?" he asked, concern threading through his voice as he sat beside her.

"What? No," she said.

"I am sorry I could not come sooner," he said, well aware she was lying.

"It is alright," she replied.

“I was talking to Nani” He said.

"Oh. What did she say?" Khushi felt her heart slow.

“It’s done” He said, interlacing his fingers with hers.

“Done?” Khushi repeated.

“Yes. We are going back tomorrow” He said with a smile and Khushi couldn't believe him for a second there.

“We are? Nani said you can come with me?” She asked him.

“Yes. It took facing some harsh truths, but then we agreed” Arnav said.

Her heart settled back into its normal rhythm. She wanted to ask more, but Arnav leaned in and kissed her instead. His skilled lips made her forget every worry she had carried through the day. All she could think of, in that moment, was the feel of his mouth against hers, drawing her into a familiar dizziness. She doubted she would ever grow used to the rush that swept through her every time his lips, his hands touched her.

She kissed him back, wanting him to feel the gratitude welling inside her. She could only imagine how difficult his conversation with his Nani must have been. Yet he had gone through it and somehow convinced the most immovable person she had ever known.

"Thank you for staying and for believing in me," he whispered against her lips.

"I love you," she said in return. A beautiful smile broke across his face, and he pulled back slightly to look at her.

“Every time you say it, I feel a soft tickle in my stomach” He said, face slightly blushing.

“Butterflies?” Khushi couldn’t help the grin.

“More like a feather” Arnav said, enjoying the joy on her face.

“Who knew you were such a mush” She said, kissing his cheek.

“I didn’t” He replied, returning the kiss and then saying he will go and pack his stuff.

Once he was gone, Khushi debated whether she should go and talk to Nani.

Later, she decided.

Dinner was a far calmer affair than breakfast had been that morning.

Arnav reminded his Nani twice to keep up with her dialysis sessions and take her medicines on schedule. He had even arranged for a full time nurse to look after her once he was gone.

Both Manorama and Manohar Singh Raizada asked him when he intended to return.

"I will decide based on how things unfold there," he replied each time.

Meanwhile, Khushi kept her head bowed and ate in silence.

Once everyone had finished, they dispersed to their rooms.

Everyone but Khushi.

She had told Arnav she needed to finish packing before sleeping. He had not questioned it further, and after kissing her goodnight, had retired to his own room.

Now Khushi stood at the door of Devyani's room. The light inside was still on, which meant she had not yet gone to sleep. Khushi knew she spent an hour reading scriptures before bed each night.

So she knocked.

"Come in."

Somehow Devyani did not seem surprised to see her. If anything, she appeared to have been expecting the visit. Khushi took that as a good sign.

"I am sorry to disturb you so late, Nani ji," she said.

"You are not disturbing me," Devyani replied.

Another positive sign.

Khushi walked further into the room and settled into the chair. Simply standing there brought back every word Devyani had spoken during their last encounter.

But that does not matter anymore, she reminded herself.

"If you have come to gloat, do it quickly. I wish to return to my reading," Devyani said, shifting in bed to face her directly.

The words still stung, but Khushi pushed through it.

"I have come to thank you, Nani," she began.

If Devyani Raizada was surprised, she did not show it. Khushi continued.

“I have never lost a child. So, I cannot understand what you feel every day, Nani ji. But, I have lost a parent. I know that pain. I have been living with it for some time now. I think it was one of the reasons why I could see Arnav’s pain. I think Arnav saw it too. It was why he didn’t want anything to do with me when he first came to Lucknow. He made it a point to prove that he was better off without me. That he didn’t need anyone. But every time he pushed me away, I couldn’t help but take another step towards him. I know it sounds strange but that’s how it was, Nani ji. And once he opened up, it was impossible to go back. I learnt what a wonderful person he is, so capable of love and care. You have made him into that person, Nani ji. He makes me feel worthy. Like I too deserve my share of happiness, you know? He’s...he’s filled a space in my life, Nani ji. And I love him. I really do. You asked me to prove my love to him by giving up my home and my friends. I cannot do that, Nani ji. One of the reasons why I love Arnav is because he understands what family means to me. He became my friend despite knowing how close I am to Malik Uncle. He allowed me into his heart despite knowing I once loved someone else."

“But, I will prove my love to you, Nani ji. I promise you that I will never let him be sad again. I will never hurt him. His happiness is my happiness” Khushi added after a break.

Devyani Singh Raizada nodded.

“Maybe Chote is right about you” Devyani said.

Khushi was not entirely certain what she meant, but but she guessed it was a good thing.

"Keep an eye on him in Lucknow. He may believe he is ready to face his father, but I do not think he truly is. There are still a lot of things standing between them," Devyani added.

Khushi wanted to ask more, but simply nodded instead.

“I will”

When Devyani said nothing further for a long moment, Khushi took it as her cue to leave.

She rose and walked toward the door.

"I am glad he chose you. You have my blessing, both of you," Devyani said, and the words stopped Khushi mid step. Those were the words she had longed to hear for days now.

Joy flooded through her, and she could not hide the smile spreading across her lips.

Devyani Raizada was taken aback when Khushi rushed to her side and hugged her, her arms going around Devyani’s frail body.

“Thank you, Nani ji” She said.

“I will not disappoint you” She said and hugged Devyani tighter, making her squirm.

"I should hope not. Now release me. I cannot breathe," Devyani huffed.

"Oh, I am sorry, Nani ji. Forgive me," Khushi said, letting go at once, still smiling.

"Such a child," Devyani muttered.

“I’ll see you in the morning, Nani ji. Good night” She said and finally walked out the room, feeling much happier and lighter.

She was going home tomorrow. There was still a great deal to face there as well.

But she would worry about that tomorrow.

She had nearly reached her own room when her feet carried her elsewhere instead.

She found herself outside Arnav's door. The lights were off but a faint glow could be seen from under the door.

She tapped at the door lightly.

There was a rustle, footsteps, and then Arnav opened the door. She could tell from his face that he had not been sleeping.

"You are not asleep either?" he said softly, standing in the doorway.

Khushi noticed the heaviness in his eyes. He had been lying awake, thinking. Something unpleasant, from the look of it.

She stepped forward and kissed him.

Arnav was caught off guard but responded at once.

"Damn it," he muttered as the door swung further open and the two of them stumbled inside.

He was torn between continuing the kiss and locking the door behind them, just in case.

He groaned, half in pleasure and half in approval, when Khushi kicked the door shut with her leg.

He wrapped an arm around her, lifted her off the ground, and carried her toward the bed, his lips never leaving hers.

Khushi, for her part, barely registered where he was taking her. His hands and his mouth were all she could focus on.

She let out a soft sigh when he laid her down on the bed. But not for long.

The mattress dipped as he joined her, his weight settling over her once more.

Between the kissing and the wandering of hands, Khushi looked up at him.

"I do not think we will find much time together once we are there," she said.

Arnav nodded, kissing her once more.

"Are you saying we should make the most of tonight?" he asked slowly, watching her face for an answer.

Khushi closed her eyes and nodded.

She felt him lean in closer, closer than he already was. She could hear his breaths, quick and uneven, matching her own. His hands rested somewhere at her stomach, having slipped beneath the slits of the long kurta she wore.

"You are as beautiful as your heart," he whispered, his mouth near her ear before he began pressing soft kisses along her neck.

“You’re as beautiful as your heart” He whispered the words, mouth near her ears before he started planting soft kisses on her neck.

"And I want you so much I think I might die from it," he continued, his lips trailing lower, kissing the curve of her chest through the fabric of her kurta. His hand beneath the cloth moved slowly upward. Too slowly, Khushi thought.

She wanted to feel all of it tonight. Love in its most primal, most physical form. She was ready.

"I want you too." The words did not require conscious thought. They spilled from her lips on their own.

A fresh rush of adrenaline surged through Arnav.

"I am all yours, Khushi" he said, before capturing her lips in another searing kiss.

__________