Chapter 29

Chapter 29

“You cannot go. I forbid you”

Arnav was expecting that response yet the words impacted him hard. He couldn’t stop himself from standing up and looked at his Nani with inscrutable eyes.

“If you go there, I will never speak to you” Devyani Singh Raizada continued, despite Arnav’s deadpan expressions.

“Are you asking me to choose between Khushi and you, Nani?” Arnav finally spoke, yet there was a heavy stillness in his voice.

“I am asking you to choose between your family and that wretched city” Devyani Raizada continued, still sitting and her face devoid of calm.

“Akash is my family too”.

“He can visit you here. I have never objected to that. But, you need to be here and take care of all that you have built here” Devyani said.

Everyone else at the table was silently witnessing the dialogue between the grandson and the grandmother.

“It is settled then. You are not going” Devyani said when Arnav did not speak for a while.

Khushi stole a glance at Arnav’s face and noticed the struggle. He was debating between keeping quiet and saying more.

She drew a long held breath when Arnav didn’t say more and walked away from the table.

After waiting for exactly five seconds, Khushi excused herself and followed after him, well aware of the three pair of eyes staring at her back as she walked away.

By the time she reached him, he was climbing up the stairs.

“Arnav” She called out to him.

He stopped and turned.

“Yes?” He asked her.

Khushi blinked, unsure for a second.

“You okay?” She asked the next second.

“Yes. Perfectly fine” He replied. Khushi noticed the aloofness and the casual indifference he was faking. It was so similar to when she had first interacted with him at Sheesh Mahal. It made her worry about him.

“I’ll come find you in a while, okay?” He said to her.

She nodded.

He didn’t find her in a while. The morning passed and the afternoon arrived.

Arnav went to his Nani and then accompanied her to the doctor’s for her dialysis.

They came back in the evening and Arnav appeared calm. Khushi didn’t know what to make of it. Did he really give up? Was it a good thing or a bad?

What would her father say if she goes back alone?

She decided to wait for Arnav to come and talk to her.

~~**~~

Arnav helped Devyani get into the bed, and then he placed the comforter upon her. She looked more exhausted after today’s session. He knew why. It was more than physical exhaustion. He had barely spoken to her all throughout the ride to the doctor and back.

Once he was done tucking her in the bed, he turned to leave.

“I am not your enemy, Chote” Devyani Raizada said.

He turned and looked at the face marred with grey lines.

“I know” He replied and turned away again.

“Then why are you not speaking to me?” she asked.

“Because whatever I have got to say, you won’t like it. It’s better this way, Nani” Arnav replied.

“I do not find it better. I do not want you to retreat from me. I want you to say whatever it is you want to say. I can handle the truth. I can handle everything except you leaving” Devyani Raizada said.

Arnav considered her words for a second and shook his head.

“I know you better than you know yourself, Nani. I know you and I will never agree on this” Arnav said.

“Take a seat, then. Show me how well you know me” Devyani Raizada said, a little bit of energy entering her body.

Arnav knew Devyani Singh Raizada never backed out of a chance to prove herself right. And he also knew now was the right time. He had been thinking about it since the morning. So, he delivered the words he knew would have the most impact.

“It wasn’t his mistake”

Devyani Singh Raizada’s face slackened instantly. Arnav hated the expression but he went on.

“I don’t think he is responsible for his failed marriage with Ma and her death”

“I don’t think it was his fault that he was a bad husband. But yes, he was a coward. A coward and a drunk who couldn’t stand up to his father for the person he loved. And, I will not become him, Nani. I will not give up. I love Khushi. That’s something worth fighting for” Arnav kept speaking until he saw the look on his Nani’s face.

She looked heartbroken and sad and angry.

“So you do not blame your father for Sujata’s death? You do not think he was a failed husband? Have you forgotten everything, Chote? Have you forgotten your mother’s tears? Her misery and her sickness? The dreadful life she was forced to live because of your father?” Devyani Singh Raizada said, as if that was all she had heard.

“I haven’t forgotten anything. I remember it all. But, it was only the half-truth, Nani. Wasn’t it? That’s why you didn’t want me to go to Lucknow? So, that I wouldn’t learn the rest of it? The truth that was mine but you kept it from me. For so many years! You let me believe that everything was my father’s fault”.

“Because it was! Like you said, Chote, he was a coward. A spineless man! He didn’t have to marry Sujata. He could have said no. But, he didn’t. He wasn’t much of a man to begin with, was he? He knowingly pulled Sujata into his deplorable life. And carried on with his transgressions! My daughter meant nothing to him. Her life meant nothing to him. You, Chote, for a long time, your life didn’t mean anything to him”

Arnav shook his head.

“Always mixing the truth with the lies, Nani” He muttered.

“What?” There was anger and shock in Devyani’s voice.

“Ma knew the truth about Baba when she married him. He had told her. She still forced the marriage. Baba agreed because he didn’t want Doctor Kumar’s family to be hurt. I don’t know if that was a right choice. I can’t decide that. You can’t decide that. Only he can. It was his life. But, even after the marriage, it was Ma who made attempts to control Baba’s life, trick him, deceive him. It was Ma’s fault. And you know that, Nani, don’t you? Baba told you everything when you came to Lucknow with me. You chose to ignore his pain, his suffering. I don’t blame you for that, Nani. But, you hid the truth from me. That was your mistake” Arnav said, letting his guard down, letting some of the bottled anger and pain slip out.

Devyani Raizada saw it and shook her head.

“I hid the truth for your sake, Chote. To protect you from the pain! And to shield you from Birendra’s life. The life he has lived and still lives - It is a disease of the body and mind. You needed to be away from it. That grotesque and twisted desire? That is not love. That is an infection” Devyani Raizada’s voice had become embittered and her face full of repulsion.

“No, it is not. It’s neither a disease nor an infection, Nani. It’s a way of life. One that he would have gladly given up if he could. But, he cannot. It’s a part of who he is. He can’t change himself any more than we can change ourselves. We all live with who we are. I can understand that you don’t agree with it. But, you don’t have to. It’s his life, Nani. We don’t get a say in that. Only he does. And I accept it. I cannot and will not resent him for being a homosexual. In the same way, I cannot ignore the truth that the foundation of this dysfunctional family was laid by Ma” Arnav said, each word like a bitter pill on his tongue.

Devyani Singh Raizada seemed shocked into silence.

She was shaking her head.

“I know it is hard for you to accept the truth, Nani. It was hard for me too. But for how long can we survive on hate and hate alone? It’s pointless. It hurts no one but us” Arnav said, taking a step towards his Nani.

“I want a break from all the hatred, Nani. I just want to be happy. With Khushi! She has made it possible. She taught me to focus on the bright side, to give up the darkness that we carry inside us. If I let her go, Nani, it would be the biggest mistake of my life. I cannot imagine being without her”

Devyani looked at Arnav’s face, the sincerity and determination in his eyes.

“I want honesty, Chote. Answer my questions and then you can go wherever you want to. I will not stop you” She finally spoke.

“I have been nothing but honest today, Nani” He replied.

“Yes. Brutally honest! But, if you are going to make me face the truth then you shall face it too. Tell me, Chote. Do you want to go to Lucknow only for Khushi’s sake?”

Arnav considered the question for a second and then shook his head.

“I thought so. Why do you want to go?” Devyani followed up.

“I want to meet him”

“him? Why not say the word, Chote? You said it when you were pouring your brutally honest truths! Why not say it again?” Devyani Raizada knew which buttons she was pushing.

Arnav breathed in deeply.

“I want to meet Baba” He said, voice slow but heavy.

“Yes. So, he is your father now? After all these years? Does this mean you have forgiven him?” Devyani asked.

Arnav looked away.

“He is a changed man now” He replied.

Devyani shook her head.

“That is not what I asked, Chote. Say it! Have you forgiven him for how he made you feel like an orphan after your mother passed away? Have you forgotten his drunken stupors? His absolute lack of care and love for you?”

Devyani Singh Raizada knew she had asked the right questions.

Arnav’s face had become grim again. But, it cleared.

“It doesn’t matter, Nani. What he did is in the past and I don’t want to hover in the past. Like I said, Khushi has taught me to look at the bright side. And the bright side is that I see him as a changed man. He is making effort despite knowing I don’t want him to. I didn’t ask him to do any favours to me, yet he has been. He’s a man at the end of his life, looking to redeem himself. I don’t want to stand in the way of that. So, while I may not forgive him for the past, I still want to spend some time with him. And that’s the honest truth” Arnav said.

“Okay. My last question, then. Do you hate me for hiding the truth from you?”

Arnav immediately shook his head.

“I feel deceived, Nani. I thought you were the one person in my life who has been honest and true with me. But, then I found that to be a lie. I was hurt. I still am. But, I can’t hate you. I just wish that you too would forget the past. It gives us nothing but pain, Nani”

Devyani Singh Raizada listened.

“I lost a child, Chote. My only daughter! That loss will be forgotten only after I am dead. But, I will not stop you. If you think you can forgive and move on, then I have raised you to be a better person than I am. So, go ahead. Do what you must. I will be here. Waiting for my grandson” Devyani replied, her voice more settled and calm than it had ever been.

It made Arnav’s heart crack with happiness. And Devyani Raizada saw that. She knew he would have gone to Lucknow no matter come what. This was the better way. It was better if he went happily. Because, despite everything, she did want him happy! But, there was still a fear in her heart.

“You will come back, won’t you, Chote?”

In that question, Arnav saw her real worry; the real reason behind her adamant stand on keeping him in Delhi.

“This is my home, Nani. I do not belong anywhere but here, with you. I will come back” He replied and a tear finally slid down Devyani’s cheek.

“That is my Chote” She said and Arnav hugged her, a smile reaching his face.

~~**~~

It was late in the evening and Khushi hadn’t joined the family for tea. She couldn’t help but keep thinking about Arnav.

He had seemed aloof in the morning and she hadn’t seen him since then. It was like he was purposely avoiding her.

It could only mean that he didn’t want to fight with his Nani. It was understandable. His Nani is the only stable family he has had. It wouldn’t be a surprise if he gives in to her wishes.

Khushi wouldn’t resent him if he did. Yet, just the thought that he might not go back with her made her eyes sting. She had played her last card when she had chosen to come to Delhi. If this didn’t work out, she had no other chances left.

Her Babuji will understand in the long run and might forgive her for this step, but he wouldn’t allow her any more liberties. She will have to forget Arnav. Marry someone else. Spend her life with someone else.

More gloomy thoughts played in her mind.

“Hey” It was the sound of Arnav’s voice that quickly made her wipe her tears.

She sat up on the bed and looked at him, forcing a smile.

“Hey” She said.

“Were you crying just now?” He asked her, voice concerned as he settled next to her.

“What? No!” She said.

“I am sorry I couldn’t come earlier” He said, knowing well she was lying.

“It’s alright” she replied.

“I was talking to Nani” He said.

“Oh! What did she say?” Khushi could feel her heart slowing.

“It’s done” He said, interlacing his fingers with hers.

“Done?” Khushi repeated.

“Yes. We are going back tomorrow” He said with a smile and Khushi didn’t believe him for a second there.

“We are? Nani said you can come with me?” She asked him.

“Yes. It took facing some harsh truths, but then we agreed” Arnav said.

Khushi felt her heart beating normally again. She wanted to ask more but Arnav leaned in and kissed her. His deft lips made her forget the worries she had been nursing all day. All she remembered at the moment was the feel of his lips as they worked upon hers, making her heady. She would never get used to the feeling of rush that coursed through her every time his lips, his hands touched her.

She kissed him back to show the gratitude she was feeling. She could guess his conversation with Devyani wouldn’t have been easy. Yet, he went through it and managed to convince the most un-convincable person she had ever met in her life.

“Thank you for being here and having faith in me” He whispered against her lips.

“I love you” She said in response. A beautiful smile formed on Arnav’s lips, and he pulled back a little to look at her.

“Every time you say it, I feel a soft tickle inside my stomach” He said, face slightly blushing.

“Butterflies?” Khushi couldn’t help the grin.

“More like a feather” Arnav said, enjoying the joy on her face.

“Who knew you were such a mush” She said, kissing his cheek.

“I didn’t” He replied, returning the kiss and then saying he’ll go and pack his stuff.

Once he was gone, Khushi debated whether she should go and talk to Nani.

Later, she decided.

Dinner was a calm affair compared to the breakfast in the morning.

Arnav instructed his Nani twice to keep going for dialysis and take her medicines on time. He even had gone ahead and arranged for a full-time nurse at home to take care of her once he was gone.

Both Manorama and Manohar Singh Raizada asked Arnav when he was coming back.

“I will decide as per how the things proceed there” He replied both the times.

Meanwhile, Khushi kept her head down and ate in silence.

Once everyone was done, they dispersed to their rooms.

Everyone but Khushi!

She had told Arnav that she needed to finish packing before sleeping. He hadn’t asked more and kissing her goodbye, had retired to his room.

Now, Khushi stood at the door of Devyani’s room. The light inside was still on which meant she wasn’t sleeping yet. Khushi knew she read scriptures for an hour before sleeping.

So, she knocked.

“Come in”

Somehow Devyani wasn’t surprised to see her. In fact, it seemed that she had even been expecting her visit. Khushi took that as a positive sign.

“I am sorry to be disturbing you so late, Nani ji” she said.

“You are not disturbing” Devyani Raizada said.

Another positive sign.

Khushi walked further into the room and chose the chair to sit in. Just being in the room brought back the words Devyani had said to her in their last encounter.

But it doesn’t matter anymore, she told herself.

“If you are here to gloat, do it fast. I want to get back to my reading” Devyani said, shifting in the bed so she was looking straight towards Khushi.

Khushi couldn’t help but feel the sting.

“I am here to thank you, Nani” She began albeit.

If Devyani Raizada was surprised, she didn’t show it. Khushi continued.

“I have never lost a child. So, I cannot understand what you feel every day, Nani ji. But, I have lost a parent. I know that pain. I have been living with it for some time now. I think it was one of the reasons why I could see Arnav’s pain. I think Arnav saw it too. It was why he didn’t want anything to do with me when he first came to Lucknow. He made it a point to prove that he was better off without me. That he didn’t need anyone. But every time he pushed me away, I couldn’t help but take another step towards him. I know it sounds strange but that’s how it was, Nani ji. And once he opened up, it was impossible to go back. I learnt what a wonderful person he is, so capable of love and care. You have made him into that person, Nani ji. He makes me feel worthy. Like I too deserve some share of happiness, you know? He’s...he’s filled a space in my life, Nani ji. And I love him. I really do. You asked me to prove my love to him by giving up my home and my friends. I cannot do that, Nani ji. One of the reasons why I love Arnav is because he understands what family means to me. He became my friend despite knowing how close I am to Malik Uncle. He allowed me into his heart despite knowing I once loved someone else”

“But, I will prove my love to you, Nani ji. I promise you that I will never let him be sad again. I will never hurt him. His happiness is my happiness” Khushi added after a break.

Devyani Singh Raizada nodded.

“Maybe Chote is right about you” Devyani said.

Khushi didn’t know what Devyani was talking, but she guessed it was a good thing.

“Keep an eye on him in Lucknow. He may think that he’s ready to face his father but I don’t think he is. There are still a lot of things that stand between them” Devyani added.

Khushi wanted to ask more but she only nodded.

“I will”

When Devyani didn’t say anything more for a minute, Khushi took that as her clue to leave.

She got up and walked towards the door.

“I am happy that he chose you. My blessing is with you two” Devyani Raizada said the words, making Khushi halt. Those were the words she had longed to hear for days now.

It made her feel overjoyed. She couldn’t hide the smile that played on her lips.

Devyani Raizada was taken aback when Khushi rushed back to her side and hugged her, her arms going around Devyani’s frail body.

“Thank you, Nani ji” She said.

“I will not disappoint you” She said and hugged Devyani tighter, making her squirm.

“I shall hope not. Now, free me. I cannot breathe” Devyani huffed.

“Oh! I am sorry, Nani ji. Forgive me” Khushi instantly let go but kept smiling.

“Such a child” Devyani muttered.

“I’ll see you in the morning, Nani ji. Good night” She said and finally walked out the room, feeling much happier and lighter.

She was going back home tomorrow. There was a lot to deal with there as well.

But, she will worry about it tomorrow.

She had almost walked back to her room when her legs turned.

She walked to Arnav’s room. Lights were off but a faint glow could be seen from under the door.

She tapped at the door lightly.

There was a rustle, footsteps and then Arnav opened the door. From his face, she could tell that he hadn’t been sleeping.

“You aren’t sleeping too?” He spoke softly, standing at the door.

Khushi noticed the heavy look in his eyes. He had been lying awake and thinking. Definitely something unpleasant from the look of it!

She moved forward and kissed him.

Arnav was taken by surprise but responded immediately.

“Damn it” He muttered as the door was pushed further open and both of them stumbled inside.

He had half a mind to continue kissing and half a mind to lock the door just in case.

He groaned with both pleasure and approval when Khushi kicked the door close with her leg.

Arnav wrapped his arm around her, lifted her off the ground and walked towards the bed, his lips not leaving hers.

Khushi, on the other hand, was barely noticing where he was going. His hands and lips were all that she could really focus upon.

She sighed when he dropped her on the bed. But not for long!

The bed dipped when he joined her, his weight settling upon her.

Between the kissing and the roaming of hands, Khushi looked at him.

“I don’t think we would get much time together once we are there” She said to him.

Arnav nodded, kissing her one more time.

“So, we should make the best of tonight?” He questioned, looking at her face.

Khushi closed her eyes, nodded.

She felt Arnav lean closer, closer than he already was. She could hear his breaths. They were as quick as hers. His hands were somewhere on her stomach, having slipped inside through the slits of the long kurta she wore.

“You’re as beautiful as your heart” He whispered the words, mouth near her ears before he started planting soft kisses on her neck.

“And I want you so much I think I might die” He continued, his lips moving down, kissing her bosoms from over her kurta. His hand inside her kurta was slowly moving up. Too slowly, Khushi thought.

She wanted to feel all of it tonight. Love in its most primal, most physical form. She was ready.

“I want you too” She didn’t need conscious thought for the words. They spilled over her lips on their own!

Arnav felt a new rush of adrenaline inside him.

“I am all yours” He said before he captured her lips into another searing kiss.

__________