Chapter 41

"Will you stop giving those devdas look?" Kushi barked furiously throwing the magazine, which she was reading, aside and stood up. Three days before, Kushi was happy when she came to know that Shriya had declined to give her counselling. But now Kushi feels like her husband has taken up that job.

He was constantly bugging her with advice like she should be positive and so on. He even talked about how their life could be after the arrival of their child. Yesterday evening she lost her tolerance power and they both ended up in heated conversation. Finally Kushi made it clear that there will no discussion on this matter or else she will move out of his house or quit eating.

And from that time, whenever they came face to face, Arnav made a puppy-dog face and gave her lost look. Half an hour before, he sat in front of her on recliner in pretence of working on his laptop. But Kushi very well know that he hardly looked at his laptop. Whenever she looked up from the magazine, he gave her devdas look and irritated her until she had lost it irrevocably.

"What did i do now?" He asked innocently getting up and walking towards her. The last three days were very difficult for him. He is an introvert. He rarely opens up and that too with people who are very close to him. It was very difficult for him to urge someone to open up. Being a man of few words, advice is word which is not in his dictionary. Does he have to say about giving counselling?

Her stubbornness is testing his patience. He actually kind of lost it every time when he tried to make her see the sense but controlled himself. He could have turned into ASR mode and shouted at her. It could have worked wonders but he didn't want her to get hurt. Because in anger he might say something which he never wants to say. All he wanted her was to start conversation.

He sat on bed close to where she was standing without tearing his gaze from her flushed face. "You were staring at me continuously!" she accused him pointing a finger at him. He smiled and relaxed before replying in causal tone. "If you think I'm looking at you, staring at you or giving you the eye for no reasons then you are wrong. Actually I'm checking whether you have wings. My grandmother told me all angels have them."

Kushi's eyes almost popped out its sockets while her jaw dropped down. Did her husband spoke those lines? Arnav smirked at her reaction. Now she will be quiet for few minutes and he can try in luck in his new profession; giving counselling. Though he still didn't know how to start it, he had to do it.

"Come! Sit here!" He grabbed her wrist and pulled her towards him. When Kushi tried to sit next to him, he gestured her to sit on his lap. She shook her head. "No Arnav. i might be heavy!" She said holding her bulged tummy with her hand. "You and our child can never be burden to me!" she heard him say as she landed on his lap due to his pull. She heaved a sigh thinking 'there he starts again!'

He wound his hand around her pregnant belly while she relaxed against him. He didn't know whether she needed these intimate moments or not. But he definitely needed them; it gave him peace; it gave strength; it gave him reason to fight. Kushi's breath hitched when Arnav shoved her hair aside.

Kushi felt her loose shirt's collar was pulled away from her neck and then his hot breath fell on her skin. He inhaled her scent loudly making every small hair on her neck come to standstill position. She held his knee tightly when he repeated his action playing havoc with her senses. "What are you doing?" her voice was so low that she herself was not sure whether she uttered those words or not.

"Taking my daily doses for your aroma!" he said trying to poke his nose further inside her shirt. "Believe me, its way better than all perfumes available on earth. I am addicted to your smell! I don't think I can live even a day without this!" he said dropping kisses on her neck. He wanted her to feel important and precious. But for that, he doesn't have to lie because she was already precious for him.

"Really?" Kushi asked sarcastically. Arnav turned her slightly so that they could face each other and nodded sincerely. "Every guy says this! But truth is they move on so quickly and probably says same thing to next girl!" Kushi argued back and Arnav shook his head.

"I am not like that. You can trust me on this. i am one-woman-man. And you are my only women!" Saying so he kissed her cheek which was so close to him. "one-woman-man!" She raised her brow like she was thinking and looped her arm around his neck. "Yeah, right! Your Ex girlfriend also said the same." She commented mockingly earning a stern smile from him.

"I didn't mean that Kushi. What I meant is the first one to be so intimate with me is you and you will be the last one too." He said to her, to which she bluntly replied "you are lying!" He shook his head once and looked straight into her eyes. Kushi gasped realising he was indeed telling her truth. "But that day, it didn't seem like your first time!" She blurted out what came to her mind at first and bit her tongue when he smirked.

"Really? Well, I am honoured. But just tell me how experienced you were to judge me?" he raised his brow with devilish smirk not leaving his face. "Shut up, Arnav!" Kushi hit him on chest and tried to get up but he didn't budge. So she settled on him again resting her head on his chest with one hand around his neck while other playing with his shirt button.

"You are not lying, are you? Girls would have been throwing themselves on you! You also had GF of 10 years!" she somehow couldn't digest the fact as she always thought opposite of it. Arnav smiled and kissed her top of her head. "I don't have to lie, Kushi. As soon as i entered college, I was convinced I was in love with Lavanya. But sadly it was one sided love." He heaved a sigh.

Arnav knew there is no need to explain to her. She would believe him without any justification. But he wanted to share it so that she will understand her impact on him. "As you said though girls were throwing themselves upon me, I thought it would be like betraying Lavanya to do it. Next four years, my plate was so full that I didn't have time to think about myself, forget about girls."

"When Lavanya became fine, she was uncomfortable and scared. Though later she became fine, i had already made up my mind that i would wait till marriage to provide her security she needed. But then you came and the minute my eyes were set on you, you made me broke all my resolution which i have been carrying for 28 years." Arnav felt her tightening around his neck.

He lifted her face to meet her innocent eyes. "Kushi, you will never be able to understand what place you hold in heart and my life. If you leave that place, I can assure you that it will be vacant until you itself decide to come back. No one can take that place. No one." He stopped as her eyes were already filled with tears. She removed her from him and got to her feet showing her back to him.

"I will not die if you leave me, Kushi. I will be alive for my family but I won't be living! I might not be enough reason for you to live but you are my only reason to live!" He said firmly before leaving the room. Her crest fallen face already told him that point has been reached. She needed time to think. He quietly prayed he will become her reason to continue living just like she had become his.

Kushi snuggled more close to Arnav in sleep as the offending sound pierced her ears. "Arnav, your phone!" She drawled sleepily waggling his tee shirt and burying her face more on his chest. "Hmmm..." Arnav drawled in equally sleepy voice as he turned his head to other side to reach out his phone. "Throw it away!" Kushi commanded as sound continued irritating her.

"I will. But only if you let me to..." He said trying to free himself from her grip. "No." She snapped immediately holding his tee shirt tightly as if her whole is depended on it. Arnav smiled and kissed her head before pulling himself away from her. "Ram uncle!" He read the name which was displayed on his phone in surprised voice and got up. Kushi followed the stunt wondering why her uncle called him and not her that too few hours before the dawn.

"ji, uncle!" She heard her husband say and then watched him as he got out of bed and walking to secured corner of their room. His expressions were serious which alerted her. Though her husband made sure that his voice was low, she figured out he was using only monosyllables. After he finished talking, He sat on bed facing her with uncertainty.

"What happened?" She asked him suspiciously while her mind tried to guess all probable reasons. He shook his head debating whether to tell her or not. Anyway she will come to know about it tomorrow but at least she can sleep now. Then studying her curious and nervous form, he knew sleep was far away for both of them. He answered her "an hour before, Arjun committed suicide in the hospital."

Kushi's eyes widened slightly but she didn't react. She didn't even ask the question which Arnav enquired Ram like 'what? How? When?' His wife's reaction scared him. He felt so helpless. He couldn't do anything to lessen her pain. All that he could do was watch her suffer. He felt immense anger on three people. First on himself for what all he did and for what all he couldn't do.

Then on Arjun. Can't he have better timing? Why it is arjun always bothers his life just when everything starts to fall in place? He is already having difficult time in pacifying Kushi and top of it now arjun's death. Finally on the non-existent god. Even stone hearted man like him can't see innocent girl in this condition. God, who was supposed to be kind hearted, can torture a girl like this? Of course he is non-existent.

"Kushi!" He shook her by her shoulder. She jerked as if her trance was broke. Then she nodded at him in assuring way. "I was kind of expecting it. He is not used to someone ordering him. Once he was about to slap mom since she raised her voice to him. I was sure that no one can control him. Even his report said he was becoming more violent. Better that he killed himself than killing others."

Arnav was little stunned with her maturity level. This girl confuses her and there was no doubt on it. He silently nodded before asking "do you want go there?" Kushi bit her lower lip thinking. "He is my brother Arnav. Though he never considered me as his sister, i had always loved him. Of course I want to go! But not at cost of our child." Kushi knew that Dr.Mehra won't be happy with her travelling that too when she was expecting pre-mature labour.

Kushi's answer was followed by awkward silence, both not sure what to say. Kushi broke the silence by enquiring him "Arnav, will you do me a favour? Will you attend his funeral? Please! He has no one." Arnav agreed to her. As soon as she said she don't want to go, he was contemplating whether he should go or not. But all his second thought flew away as soon as he heard that one word; please.

Kushi gave bright smile and hugged him. "Thanks Arnav! This means a lot."

"How can be hospital authorities so careless?" Arnav questioned Ram as he caught a glimpse of huge garden from balcony. Gupta's mansion was nothing less than a modern palace. It was magnificent and splendid. Funeral was over just an hour before and he has two more hours for his flight back to Delhi.

Ram answered him "they had kept him under drug as they couldn't control him. A separate nurse wa appointed to watch him though cctv camera. At 2pm, nurse noticed him getting him restless as usual. She decided to give him another dose of medicine. When she reached his room, he was lying on bed with his throat cut open and no one was around there. Footage clearly showed it was suicide."

Arnav nodded taking in the fact. Arjun deserved it but still he felt bad and only reason for it was Kushi. "Uncle, can you show me Kushi's room?" He asked Ram who asked him to follow him. He wanted to refresh and other rooms didn't feel right because the feeling he was standing in his enemy's house was itself making his restless.

Arnav couldn't believe that it was kushi's room. There was no trace of his Kushi in that room. Kushi loved bright and radiant colour. But her room was made up of black and white stuff just like rest of the mansion. Even though Kushi had never asked, Arnav had brought her four teddy bears in three months knowing her liking.

Here there was no trace of any teddy bear or the smiley faces which she had struck around his room. More importantly there was no chiming bell at door which she loved the most. "Uncle, what you know about Kushi and her mother? I mean relationship they shared...problems they faced..." Arnav uncertainly asked Ram who was about to leave the room. Ram studied him for a minute before narrating what all he knew.

"Preethi and I come from same village. In fact she is my distant cousin. Preethi's family was the richest family of the village. So she had everything except love. Her step mother treated her like a sh** and so did her husband. She was so young to understand her husband real identity. And when she became aware of it, she couldn't do anything because of her children."

"She neither had education nor confidence to stand on her own feet. All she wanted to do was safeguard her children. But Aditya sir, being an aficionado of male heir took Arjun under his control and cared less for Kushi. Preethi was complex. She was always confused and scared and was very adamant with her decisions and sometimes she stuns you with her maturity level and understanding."

"Just like Kushi." Arnav added while Ram smiled. "Two days before Preethi died, she told that she has some bad vibe about happenings. She made me to promise that if something happens to her then i will send Kushi to you. She strongly believed that you were kushi's destiny. Now i too believe it." Arnav turned cold on hearing how Kushi's mom had predicted her end well.

"Even in childhood, Kushi was just like Preethi. She never cared for money and all she wanted is love and family. As Preethi had no courage to break her lovely daughter's heart, she started lying to Kushi about Aditya sir and arjun. She made Kushi to live in an illusion. Soon Kushi started to realise the truth but she denied accepting it. She lived in fake world just to make her mother happy and her mother made her to live in that world just to see her happy for time being."

"Kushi never asked or demanded anything. She just accepted everything. For instance if her father says he wanted to have these things in her room, she accepts it thinking it will make her mother happy. She lived only for her mother. This scared Preethi and me. We wanted her to live her own life in the way she wants. That's why we sent her to London. It worked. She became independent and confident but was still emotionally weak." Ram was interrupted by phone buzzing sound.

Arnav excused himself before answering his sister. "chotey, when will you come home? Kushiji was fine in morning. But when she saw news about Arjun, she completely broke down and cried for more than an hour. I consulted her doctor and gave her sleeping pill. She is sleeping now but i am scared that she will cry again after waking up. Please come home before that chotey."

Arnav pacified Anjali that he will be there in few hours. He was about to walk out of room when a huge photo frame on wall caught his attention.

Kushi let all the birds free from cage and watched them fly away. Watching them fly always made her delighted but today it didn't help her much. She felt like Arjun death was warning for her. It increased her fear. Maybe gupta's legacy is destined to end with her generation. She just hoped her child pass through this. She caressed her belly.

"It is sad that all Gupta's are dying. But you dont worry dear. Nothing will happen to you. Your mamma and papa will never let it happen. And also you are not Gupta like me but Raizada!" She blabbered to her child consoling herself. "Don't forget that you are also Raizada now and not gupta, Mrs. Kushi Singh Raizada." She grinned hearing her husband's voice.

"What are you doing here, Kushi? It's going to be 11 and why are you still awake? And why did you let all the birds free?" He fired her with chain of questions walking to her. "Arnav, I missed you today so much but I guess you didn't." She pouted while he replied that he too had missed her badly. "Can't you say that simple three words before asking me so much questions?" Kushi snapped at him.

"Okay, i missed you very much. Enough? Now answer my questions!" Arnav said making Kushi to pout more at his appalling nature. Arnav was irritated with what he heard while entering and kushi's demand irritated him more. "I slept whole afternoon and evening. So I thought i will wait for you. I let all birds free because i felt like doing it. Enough? Now that I answered all your questions, can i go?" Kushi replied in same sarcastic tone and walked past him when he held her hand.

"Are you okay, Kushi?" His voice was so concerned and he questioned her with so much uncertainty and hope. Looking at his gullible face, all her anger flew away. She shook her head before hugging him. "Now I am okay!"

Arnav completely forgot about the photo he brought from Mumbai till Hariprakash mentioned the suitcase which was ignored by him for last three days. "Kushi, I had brought something for you from Mumbai but forget to give it to you!" He said placing the suitcase on bed and then opening it. "What is it?" Kushi asked swallowing her oats. Placing her bowl down, she got up and walked towards him.

Arnav gestured her to see it by herself. It was large photo frame which was kept upside down. With a smile adorning her face, she picked it up and her smile grew more when she noticed picture on it. "So...you stole it from my parent's room?" She questioned Arnav with her eyes still fixed to the eight month old baby with toothy grin, showing off its four small milky teeth, on the photo in her hand.

"All things present in that house belongs to you and you belong to me! So technically it's not stealing, Kushi." He reasoned out with grin while Kushi gave him you-are-genius look. He kissed the photo and said it's cute. "I am going to hang it there!" He pointed to the wall opposite to their bed. When Kushi gave him puzzled look, he heaved a sigh. "Don't give me these what-is-going-on look, Kushi! I know that you have watched all bollywood movies. They hung baby pictures in pregnant women room so that they will get child just like..."

Kushi interrupted Arnav and spoke in still confused voice. "I knew that Arnav! But still I don't get it! Why do you want our child to be like arjun!" She exclaimed shuddering her shoulders. "What the!?! It's your brother's photo!?!!!" Arnav spoke in shock staring at the baby in the photo who was wearing shorts and tee shirt.

He guessed it was Kushi seeing those beautiful eyes but now the baby did look like arjun. Maybe he should have asked uncle! When he was feeling disgusted for kissing the photo numerous times in Mumbai and now even in front of Kushi, he heard her delightful laughter. "Look at your face Arnav! Oh my god...your expression worth's a million!" She gave him hug still giggling and accepted it was her photo while Arnav looked at her completely stunned.

This woman is made up of what? She is laughing and smiling genuinely. Not to forget that they were making fun of her brother who died not long ago! She had overcome it so quickly and started to live in present. They say it is good to forget past and live in present but he finds it as her only problem. Forgetting the past and acting it never happened is her problem.

Wait! If she can overcome her brother's death so quickly, then why can't her mother's death? Doesn't it look like she holding to it for no reason but just to show her stubbornness. No matter how much she had gone through in the past, she very well knew that her mother would never want her to die like this. Then why she is behaving like this?

Kushi waved her hand in front of him breaking his trance and handled him frame to hang it. "Not this one! Next time i see it only your brother's face will pop in my head. All thanks to you!" Arnav said sarcastically while Kushi giggled. "I am going to hang this one!" Arnav picked another frame from case which made Kushi's eyes pop out. Tears began to fill her eyes as she traced the image on the frame longingly. It was her favourite photo which she had even in her room in London.

Arnav smiled seeing her reaction and rolled his eyes to the photo where three years Kushi was sitting on her mother's lap. Kushi had chubby cheeks, rosy lips and curly hairs just like described in the nursery rhymes but only difference in she had black eyes. She was laughing and her mother was hugging her from backside with her head resting on her daughters shoulder and hands wound around petite waist. The smile on her face was so genuine and her eyes were sparkling with joy and love. It was amazing click which explained so many unsaid emotions.

Arnav hugged Kushi from backwards and asked "do you know why i want to hang this picture? Because i not only want daughter like this but also a mother like this to my daughter!" Arnav continued has kushi's face turned pale. "I can't wait for the moment to watch you both like this! i just can't..." he stopped when she pulled away from his embrace and turned to him.

"i dont want to talk about it!" her voice held finality and she turned to walk out. Arnav had enough of it in past one week. Today he couldn't control his anger. To be honest he doesn't want to control it. "Running away is not going to help you damn it! TELL ME YOUR F***ING PROBLEM? I am not an enough reason for you to live! Not even our child is enough reason to live?" He yelled.

Kushi was already in tears but it didn't seem to control Arnav. "Arnav, i already told you that my mom.." she was cut off when he held her upper arm in tight grip. "Because you can't live without your mother! Being 24 you can't live without your mother! But you want our unborn child to live without mother? How can anyone be so selfish? What kind of women you are, Kushi?" He spoke with disgust before freeing her and turning other side to calm him.

Kushi kneeled on floor completely broken. Tears were wetting her cheeks as she sobbed loudly. Arnav turned and spoke again. "You know what? I don't think your mother is a problem. You are just using her to fence your real problem which you don't want to share it with anyone for some f***ing unknown reasons!" He said running his fingers through whole kushi's sobs grew louder.

His words reminded her of her inner demons which scared her to the core. She sobbed continuously and spoke in between her sobs. "Stop it Arnav!... just leave and let me go!..." Arnav bended down to give her, his piece of mind again when her words froze him. "Don't do this to me, Arnav...PLEASE, Arnav! Please let me go!"