Chapter 8
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RECALLING ARNAV - II
Part 8
Arnav lay in bed that night, worrying about Khushi's answer to his proposal, wondering what he would do if she refused him. The moon peeked in through the open window to see an Arnav, his hands under his head, looking at the ceiling with a frown on his face.
The door to his room creaked open.
Arnav sat up in shock.
Khushi stood there, her slim body in white giving her a ghost-like appearance.
"Khushi?" Arnav called, his voice thready in shock.
"Ji, I... I just wanted to..." Khushi paused, uncertain about why she was there.
"Come in," he invited, throwing his blanket away and leaping out of bed. He strode up to her and took her arm to lead her to bed. He made her sit down and sat by her.
Khushi looked down at her fingers, at the bedspread, at the feet of the table in the room, at the floor, at her own feet in jootis. He sat silently by her, knowing that she would speak when she was ready, glad to the depths of his heart that she was with him, that they were breathing the same air, whatever the reason might be.
"I was thinking about..." she hesitated.
"My proposal?" he helped her out.
"Yes," she wet her dry lips. "I... I am scared. I couldn't sleep."
"Why? Why were you scared, Khushi?" he asked, knowing that the answer would be a dagger to his heart.
"Each time I tried to sleep, I could see all the terrible things that happened between us," she whispered, clutching her head. "From Sheesh Mahal to our cancelled wedding and then our baby."
Arnav sighed heavily, knowing where the blame lay.
"Arnavji, why did such tragedies happen to us and only us?" she asked, a frown creasing her forehead. "Other people fall in love and get married with little fuss. They live together, fight together, have babies together. Why did we have to go through such terrible times?"
"I don't know, Khushi," Arnav whispered, swallowing hard. "Maybe because you dared to fall in love with a Rakshas like me. Rakshasas are cursed beings and all those who throw in their lot with them have to suffer along with them."
Khushi looked at him in silence.
"Nani always says that our family is cursed. It looks like she is right," he said softly. "I tried to pull my family out of an abyss of betrayal and pain, Khushi," he said, trying to smile. "I tried to make a life for all of us, but all I managed to do was drag you in to it."
Khushi's silence encouraged him to confess further. "I wanted Di to be happy, to get over our past. When she said she wanted to marry Shyam, I arranged it for her. I bought him for her, hoping that she would finally get a chance at a normal life. You know what happened to that plan of mine," he said, looking at her.
Khushi nodded.
"I worked day and night to make my family financially secure. I got my reward when Shyam kidnapped me for my wealth," he smiled wryly at himself.
"I scoffed at love and marriage, laughed at people who fell in love, felt contempt for those proclaiming to be in love. And then when my eyes met a pair of innocent eyes that night in Sheesh Mahal, I felt as though someone had knocked me on the head, punched me in the gut," he smiled. "Your Devi Maiyya must have laughed at me as I tried to fight this weakness. The more I fought, the more I fell. The more I pushed you away, the closer you came. The more I pushed you away, the closer I wanted you to come. And when I successfully pushed you, cornered you in to submitting to the engagement with Shyam, I realised that I had lost you. That realisation floored me. Khushi, if your fiance had been before me when I found out that you had gotten engaged, I would have killed him," he said simply.
Khushi looked at him.
"Everything that happened to you, Khushi, happened because of me. My past is a mess, my judgement is bad, Khushi. The fight has always been in my head, Khushi, the fight between what I wanted and what I wanted to want," he said, looking down at his clenched fists.
"At times I didn't know what I wanted, Khushi. When I knew what I wanted, I fought the knowledge. When I found you going out of my sphere of control, my life, I tried to get you back. When I badgered you in to my life, forced you to marry me, Devi Maiyya must have laughed hard," he said.
Khushi looked at him in enquiry.
"I had many options, many ways of dealing with Shyam, Khushi. I could have flattened him in a day, wiped him out regardless of the consequences to Di. Your involvement complicated the issue, tied my hands, Khushi. Any decision I took had to bind you to me because I couldn't lose you again. That was the need that drove me in to forcing that marriage on you; that was the real reason, Khushi. I preyed on your weakness, your love for your family. I joined you to me before Devi Maiyya knowing that you would never leave me, that you would honour the mangalsutra and the sindoor," Arnav said, sighing.
"But that is not the worst of it, Khushi. That was yet to come. There we were, husband and wife, living in one room with the spectre of Shyam between us."
Khushi nodded.
"Every moment of our six month marriage was torture, Khushi. I know I hurt you with my words and actions. You can take comfort from the fact that I was undergoing the fine torture of having what I desperately wanted right in front of me without having the freedom to reach out, of knowing that you loved Shyam, of knowing that my breath was entwined with yours, that my heart beat was a mere echo of yours... and still being helpless to do anything about it. I was trapped by my love for you, Khushi. There was no way out. I couldn't go ahead; I couldn't backtrack. I was caught, Khushi," he confessed.
Khushi stared at him.
"How many times did you ask me why I had forced you in to marriage, Khushi?" he asked.
Khushi frowned. "Many times," she replied.
"I couldn't reply, Khushi, because if I told you that I knew about you and Shyam and you admitted to loving him, I would cease to exist. That would have been the end of me, Khushi. Only your attempt at suicide could make me admit the truth," he sighed.
"I told you he was lying," Khushi protested.
"I wanted to believe you. You will never know how desperate I was to believe you. I was so desperate that the very desperation was a warning to me to disbelieve you," he whispered.
They sat in silence for long.
Then he said, "Khushi, I deserve to lose my child. Arvind Malik's son can make no claim to happiness. I... I just wish you didn't have to be caught in this cycle of punishment."
Khushi looked at him.
"But I can't live on without you. That is where the real problem lies now, Khushi. The gulf between what I deserve and what I need," he admitted.
Khushi and Arnav sat in silence, thinking about their future.
Finally Khushi said softly, "I am very scared, Arnavji."
"You should be, Khushi," he replied in an equally soft voice. "Your Devi Maiyya has linked our fates together."
Khushi looked at him. His face was drawn.
"I have given you pain, Khushi. Only pain. At this point I can only promise you that I will try my best not to hurt you anymore. But Khushi, all these are words, just words. The proof will be in my actions, but I can prove myself only after we get married and start living together," he said with a sigh.
"What if you hurt me again with your words?" she asked.
"You know my temper, Khushi," he said honestly. "And my diabetes and my work load don't help. I am bound to get testy, but I can promise you that I will never mean it. Khushi, if I scold you, hit me on the head," he offered.
"What?" Khushi asked.
"You can never match me in the sharpness of my tongue, Khushi. So hit me to remind me that I am impossible," he suggested.
"And if you hurt me with your actions?" she asked.
"Kill me," he said.
"Arnavji!" Khushi exclaimed.
"Kill me, Khushi, because if I hurt you again, then I don't deserve to live," he said sincerely, his molten chocolate eyes on her aghast face.
Khushi sagged.
Arnav put his arm around her shoulders and held her to him. Khushi rested against him, her head on his shoulder.
The sun rose, throwing golden rays across the sky, lighting it up with myriad colours. Light seeped in to the room to fall on the faces of Arnav and Khushi who were locked in a tight embrace.
He woke up first, looking at the bundle in his arms. The fingers of her left hand were locked tight around the collar of his white T-shirt, the hold firm even in deep sleep. Her body was on his; her legs were curled around his to keep him in place. Her face was buried in the crook of his neck and he could feel her hot breath singeing the skin of his neck. Her chest was rising and falling evenly against his and her right hand was on his left shoulder.
Arnav swallowed hard.
After their conversation last night, they had sat for long till exhaustion had driven them to sleep. Loath to leave each other, they had quietly slipped in to bed together.
He ran a loving hand over her hair. As he watched she stirred, turned her head towards his and opened her eyes to look at his face.
"Arnavji," she murmured, a small smile on her lips, still caught up in some dream.
He looked down at her, captivated by her smile. Slowly the smile died as she realised where she was. She sat up, looking around her.
"Buaji... if Buaji sees me," she whispered.
Arnav smiled.
"She has seen worse, Khushi. Don't worry," he said to comfort her. "Will you marry me?" he asked, his eyes turning serious.
Khushi looked at him for a long time. Then she nodded uncertainly. "I don't know if I am doing the right thing," she said. "But living without you..."
Arnav swallowed hard and nodded, relief sending his body trembling.
"I don't want another baby now," she whispered.
"We can wait, Khushi, till you are ready," Arnav said, ready to give her anything under the sun as long as she married him.
"I want to be sure before..." she paused.
He waited.
"Before we..." The blush on her face and the way she hid her eyes from him were telling.
"We lived in one room for six months, Khushi. We can continue the platonic relationship till you are sure," he said, giving in to her request. Anything as long as she was with him under one roof, he thought.
Khushi nodded.
"Khushi, take me to your Devi Maiyya's temple today morning. I need to talk to her," Arnav said.
"Talk to her?" Khushi's eyes resembled saucers.
"Yes. I need to," he said.
Khushi nodded obediently, her face still shocked.
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