Chapter 15

Chapter 11

Khushi Gupta was not a happy woman.

In fact she was feeling quite miserable at the moment and the reason for her mood was as always the so witty it actually hurt' Arnav Singh Raizada, which of course was not something unusual in Khushi's life...all her unkhushi-ness had come from that man, she mused to herself dejectedly, knowingly consciously keeping at bay the silent thought that followed the first one - most of her khushi-ness too had come from him.

But that was not what she wished to contemplate in that moment as she spied on Arnav joking and laughing with Payal, his form leaning on the table and his brown eyes shining with laughter as he conversed with Payal just as easily as the times he used to converse with her...

And a deep sadness engulfed her standing there like an audience member looking on as the hero and the heroine of the play enacted out their romance, said words of love to each other, comforted each other and caressed each other while she stood on the sidelines, like she had all those years ago.

A bystander. Always a bystander.

And it was just before her feet turned on their own accord ready to fly her to the safe abode of her office knowing that her eyes were threatening to let go of all the feelings that she kept so tightly corked inside of her when she heard Arnav's clear voice float through the air and lie like a whisper in her ears,

"Come to that Malik's party with me, Subbu, as my date! Meri iss khwaaish ko poora kar do please taaki main apne grandkids se keh paaoon ki kam se kam ek baar The Great Subbu Bear accompanied me to a party!"

And her feet failed in the task they had set for themselves as she felt the first tear gently trail down her cheek, her hand feeling just too heavy as if tied down with weights to lift itself up and slide the offending wetness away, not even when the one tear gave way to another and that to another before Khushi Gupta all but crumbled just seventy five steps away from her office.

But more importantly 5 steps away from him.

Arnav Singh Raizada.

Her first love.

One that she had not been able to forget, no matter what she had tried to tell herself or made herself do - from going out with Raj to hooking up with Mohit, no one had been able to fight back that portion of her heart which Arnav Singh Raizada had whisked away when they had been all of 16 years of age.

And now...almost 8 years later, that corner of her heart still refused to budge from his name, even when the rest of it broke into crumbles every time they fought, every time she sought him out to tell him something that she found exciting only to turn back around as soon as their eyes would meet the realization setting in that he was no longer her best friend, every time she would spy him chatting up a girl or every time she saw him laugh without her by his side.

And today was no different.

Here she stood watching him move on his life yet again...move on as if she didn't even stand behind him, hoping wishing he would turn once and come back to her.

And what made it worse?

The fact that he had and she had sent him away.

Every single time.

She had been cornered by Varun soon after she had returned from the ladies room where she had excused herself so as not to be made to withstand the lovey-doveyness of the cutest' couple of school and something in Varun's eyes as he held the crook of her arm and gently pushed her into a secluded spot told her that the charade she had been been putting on for everyone's benefit had finally been pulled down and there stood Varun finally looking at her without any play on.

She had tried to put it on back of course, smiling at him knowing that the smile seemed more like a grimace, she had attempted in any case to avoid the impending talk but Varun had refused to budge to any of her efforts and so when he did finally tell her point blank that he knew that she liked Arnav, Khushi was not really surprised.

Instead she felt hurt, dejected, helpless and a twinge of anger flared inside her directed at only her as Varun, the boy whose heart she had trampled all over on, read all those feelings in her eyes and instead of raining down on her took her in his embrace, letting her rest her head on his shoulder and close her eyes as all their peers whizzed past them in a haze which she no longer wished to pretend to be a part of.

"Sorry." She whispered into his hold but he never replied, he just held her and let her hold him as they both tuned out everything else and Khushi, in his warm hug, realized that day much to her disappointment that she wished, sorely wished, that she could have been able to like Varun the way he liked her because he was truly a gem of a man and although he would never say it, she knew in that moment of soothing silence that a storm raged within him which he was shielding her from, that he too was just a young man who had suffered his first heartbreak and that he was no different from her in that regard.

Except that he took it much more gracefully than she had and in that moment the feelings of self disappointment and weakness engulfed Khushi within its suffocating fold.

"Go talk to Arnav, Khushi...you both need to figure this out. I am sorry but I had to tell him because you were never going to and that would have ruined you two, Khushi...and how could I let the most amazing friendship ever go down the drain without anyone even trying to salvage it?! So please go and talk to him and I am so sorry if I-that I overstepped this line...please try and understand, Khushi, because I truly do care for you and for him and for the bond that you two sha-"

He had not been able to complete his reasons for divulging the truth to Arnav because Khushi chose that moment to salvage at least one relationship in her life and standing on her tip toes, she pecked Varun softly on his cheeks, her hand caressing the other one before whispering a single Thank You' into his ears and gently wrapping her arms around him one last time, she took off in search of her best friend knowing that he too would be looking for her, that he too would be as disturbed with this news as she was feeling in the pit of her stomach, that he too would want to clear things with her just like she wished too, that he too would be hoping to fix things between them and to go back to what they were before, to go back to being best friends and that he too would be missing her like she missed hi-

And it was during this train of thoughts that Khushi finally spied Arnav and with a deep breath she had just been about to call out to him when the crowd in front of her cleared making her vision clear too.

Before it became cloudy and she felt a sob breaking out of the deep confines of her heart and a thick sheen of tears glazed over her eyes making everything hazy.

Except the last view that she had seen.

One that stayed with her for a long time to come.

And the thought that immediately attached itself to the view.

Of Arnav kissing Lavanya.

Of Arnav kissing Lavanya when instead he should have been looking for her, waiting for her, wanting to talk to her, wanting to clear things with her, wanting to go back to what they used to be before, wanting to comfort her.

Of Arnav kissing Lavanya when he should have been missing her.

Of Arnav choosing Lavanya over them, over their friendship.

Of Arnav choosing Lavanya over her.

*****

She had reached her home in a sort of a haze, her mind buzzing with all the feelings she knew to be churning inside of her - from betrayal to heartbreak to a stomach dropping sensation of fear and helplessness at knowing that Arnav knew of her deepest darkest secret and the strength that she had mustered up earlier in the night to talk it out with him seemed to mock her in the face now as she sat idly on the tire her father had hung from one of the strongest branches of the old Shahtoot tree of their garden - a tree under which Arnav and she had spent many a days plucking and picking up the delicious fruit it bore in abundance and relishing them, never giving a heed to anyone who did not share their interest in the same.

The dark boughs which hung down all around her, the fruit in them varying from a raw green to the juicy red, gave her an odd sense of comfort. She ran her fingers gently through the leaves, only just caressing the fruits mindful of not plucking any realizing only that moment that that too had lost its appeal now - now that Arnav was no longer by her side, hoisting her up by her waist, challenging her to reach the bunch at the distance...

It was then that she heard the unmistakable sound of his footsteps and her hand froze amidst the green and the red before she brought it down stiffly, knowing that the same stiffness had now pervaded through her entire body which had earlier been all but slumped on the swing but now it held itself erect, strange, nervous trying hard not to look so.

"Tum yahan kya kar rahe ho?"

She was surprised to hear her own voice breaking the silence, her heart aflutter with the sensation of feeling him so close to her, a feeling of an unknown dread filling her yet her heart refused to give it any more attention as it rejoiced shamelessly in the feelings he arose within her still, her mind taking offence to the same as it injected its disapproval in the steel of her voice.

"Came to see you...tum party se itni jaldi kyon aa gayyee? Mujhe kyon nahin bataya? I had to drop you home, Khu..."

His explanation did nothing to help her mind...but it did deflate her heart as it bore yet another thoughtless wound inflicted by him - did he not know why she could have been hesitant to approach him?! Was it all such a normal' thing to him that it did not disrupt him at all?!

Or maybe he had been too busy to notice anything wrong...after all he had been too busy to seek her out too...

"Oh please don't bother yourself, Arnav, I am perfectly capable of coming to or leaving from a party by myself. I don't need you yourself or someone else you send to fetch me."

It was when the words rushed out of her mouth, did she realize that with them she left no doubt as to what exactly she was referring to and as soon as this realization bought forth apprehension did Khushi almost violently within herself change it to resolve - it was high time Arnav Singh Raizada had some words spoken out loud to him! It was high time he knew that he wasn't always right!

"Khushi...I am sorry about that night, yaar, I just thought that you would understa-I mean...I am just sorry, Khushi, I am really sorry..."

What had followed had been words said by her in an all consuming rage, which trampled upon every sane thought and belief she had held dear before that period of craziness and held dear after it...but just never enough to rectify that mistake of hers.

If Arnav wasn't always right, she hadn't been either yet she had no qualms in accepting today that she could get herself to make no attempts to go and apologize to him or even to listen to his take on the situation. She knew he must accuse her of being high headed, she knew must accuse her of being stubborn but did he know that she accused herself of all that and more? Did he ever look back and see that every time she turned him away, she stood there still hoping that he would look back at her and see the faade she was living?

That she stood there hoping that he would march back and shake her till her teeth rattled and she was forced to admit that she was wrong just as much as he was, that she was forced to have a talk with him, tell him of how he hurt her and listen to him as he would tell her how she hurt him.

But no, he never came back...never that instant anyway and it was just that moment when Khushi knew she was truly vulnerable - once that moment would pass, so would the nakedness of all that she hoped and she would cover it up with anger, sarcasm and irony and she would push him away harder.

But no, he never came back that instant. He came at other times only to stalk away in anger and never look back.

And then he stopped coming to her altogether.

Khushi was now sitting in the stoic loneliness of her office, her legs folded beneath her on the leather sofa, an empty box of tissues lying by her side, with all its crumpled contents strewn around her, right next to an untouched cup of coffee, lost in her thoughts, going over each detail of the life she had known once and had now lost all hope of ever getting back...and having only herself to blame. Him too...but how could she ever hope to forgive him when she had never been able to forgive herself?

She knew why she had never gone up to him herself and it wasn't a truth she had uncovered after a hard day's worth. It had been clear to her all along and yet she had never been able to gather enough courage to accept it as it was and move on.

She had been mortally afraid.

Mortally afraid that Arnav would tell her to go away like she had told him.

But more than that she was scared - scared of the woman she had become in that period of her life - needy, desperate, jealous, angry, misguided.

And she feared the same judgment from him.

Her best friend.

Her first love.

Her Laad Governor.

Especially when she knew that those traits still lurked somewhere inside her, roaring out in plain anguish when she would spy him with someone else...so many years had gone by yet those feelings remained...those same feelings which had ruined everything once...no matter how hard she tried to repress them, no matter how hard she tried to tell herself that they weren't there...

But it was true too that whenever she had thought that she would try and face Arnav like she should have that night, something or the other would happen which would make her crawl right back under that rock of comfort where Arnav and her both refused to deal with the situation like adults and instead took to jibes meant to hurt the other hoping that it would lessen some of their own pain, realizing only too late that putting the other in pain only heightened their own.

"Oh why cant I just get over it, Arnav?! Why cant I just get over you?! This would all be so much easier then! If I just could myself to not to like you-not to love you, it would be so much easier to forgive myself for letting this love ruin us! Par tum bhi toh nahin aate Arnav, tum kyon nahin aate?! Batao mujhe ki main galat hoon and wait karo ki main bhi yeh baat admit kar sakoon! Why couldn't you ever just wait for me, Arnav?! WHY?! Ek baar mudd ke toh dekhte, Arnav, ek baar..."

*****

"Akash...really I am feeling so unwell today all of a sudden...kuch karne ka ek dam mann nahin kar rah-I am sorry! Please try and understand? Akash? No! Why would I do that?! Okay fine! I will see you in an hour...bye."

Akash Malik was one persistent man, Khushi thought to herself as she picked up her wooden hair brush and began smoothing out her hair - gentle strokes giving way to harsh tugs mimicking the onslaught of emotions that she felt wash over her.

She knew Arnav was taking Payal as his date and she was honest to Merlin scared out of her wits at how eerily similar this night could be to the one that started it all.

But what could she do? She had tried all the tricks in the book to avoid going - from literally begging her father to give her extra work so that she could do overtime at the office to faking a bout of cough on the phone to convince Akash that she really was unwell but nothing had worked and hence she found herself draping on her vanilla-ish off white sari with golden-silver and orange zari work and a thin orange border, finishing her dressing with throwing the pallu back gently over her sequined sleeveless golden blouse before fastening just a heavy pair of kundan work earrings.

She had just been checking her make up for the last time, pursing her lips on a tissue paper to blot the lipstick when the doorbell rang and her mother called for her. Calling out a quick answer, she gave herself a quick overview in the wall length mirror, tucking back a rebellious strand of hair behind her ear making sure that the bun she had pulled back her hair into was neat enough before picking up her white-golden clutch and hurrying downstairs, her mind concentrated on her pallu making sure that it didn't trail too long behind her to notice the stunned look on the face of the man waiting at the door, not till she stood right beside the door anyway.

Which was when she looked up finally only to look down just as quickly before peeking up once more to check, to make sure, to confirm what she thought she was seeing, what she was still seeing after checking it two times already!

Could it really be true?

Could it really be...

...Arnav Singh Raizada at her door?!

Next chapter - Page 120

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*Not proof read

And those who may be interested, Khushi is wearing this -

(Credit to the designers and the website where I found this)

So now we have Khushi's POV on what happened that night when things went completely awry between her and Arnav...hope you guys like the chapter! Also a hundred thanks for the hundredth page this story is now on!

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