Chapter 19
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[MEMBERSONLY]
EXPELLIARMUS 2013-07-22 05:34:46
Naach_Basanti made this banner for me when I posted Chapter One. And finally, the time has come where I feel justified in using this.
Thanks, NB!
10) Mohabbat inme dard banke rehti hai...
(Part One)
Arnav stared at the woman before him, scarcely able to believe that this was the same Khushi he knew.
In the light-colored salwaar kameez , with her wet hair curling around her face and no makeup on, she looked young...and vulnerable.
Although the look in her eyes was anything but.
There was surprise at his sudden appearance, of course.
But what really hit him hard was the naked pain that was visible in the hazel depths as well. It was obvious to him that she had been grappling with something that had distressed her greatly, and he didn't have to look too far for the cause.
It was apparent that she had been thinking about them.
After she had fled from his office, he had been thinking about her too.
He had wrestled with his own thoughts for hours, before finally making the decision to come here to her apartment. His own words had motivated him, he had been eager to come here as Arnav, not Arnav Singh Raizada, her boss.
He had hoped for a new beginning, one that wasn't tainted by memories of pain and years of guilt.
On the drive to her apartment, he had reflected upon the fact that this would be difficult. For her, and for him.
But now that he was here, one look at her face had convinced him that it was impossible.
He almost laughed at his foolishness in believing that the past could be swept aside with mere words.
The truth was that it couldn't.
She was suffering, and that knowledge hurt him like nothing else ever had.
In that instant, he knew what he had to do.
For both their sakes.
He took one step towards her, but she was still staring at him as if she didn't quite believe that he was really here.
"Khushi..."
She continued to stare, and he took another step towards her.
She remained still until the slamming of a neighbor's door snapped her out of her trance, and then she looked wildly up and down the corridor before leaning towards him with a low, furious whisper.
"Why are you here at this time?"
"Khushi, main..."
"What if someone sees you here? "
She suddenly stilled as the sound of footsteps punctuated the silence.
She jerked her gaze towards the sound, then grasped his arm and pulled him inside, shutting the door behind him quickly.
"What is wrong with you? Don't you realize what could have happened if someone had seen you here? This building is wholly occupied by Government employees, what if one of my neighbors had recognized you?"
"Khushi, relax. I saw no one while I was coming up the stairs and..."
"Your car! What if someone sees your car parked outside? It has the ministry nameplate and..."
"Khushi, give me some credit, will you? I came here in my own car, a white SUV that is completely different from my official vehicle. I don't quite know how I gave my bodyguards the slip, but..."
"Why? What was so important that you couldn't wait for a few more hours until we met in the office?"
He took a deep breath, unsure about how he was supposed to answer this question.
On the way here, he had thought about this a lot, but that approach was something he did not want to try anymore.
He needed a moment to collect his thoughts, and he grabbed the first excuse he could think of.
"I've just entered your home, Khushi. Can I get a glass of water before we talk?"
She stared at him for a moment before nodding jerkily and turning away towards the door that probably led to the kitchen.
He took a deep breath, then tried to focus on what he would say to her when she returned.
For a moment, his surroundings distracted him. Her living room was nothing like what he had envisioned.
Her clothes may have lacked the vibrant beauty of colors, but this place certainly didn't. The furniture was nothing out of the ordinary, it looked like standard Government-issue furnishings.
But she had added her own touches throughout the room , giving it character and personality. His gaze moved over the colorful throws on the sofa to the painting of a villa with a pool, and then he stilled, his eyes widening as they landed on a photograph placed on the corner table.
Drawn by a force greater than his self-control, he moved towards the frame and picked it up, then held it under the light.
It was a photograph of a bride and a groom , he knew that even though they weren't dressed in traditional wedding clothes. The garlands around their neck and the mangalsutra around the woman's neck proclaimed their status, and his entire body stiffened as he recognized the couple.
He stared down at the frame for a long moment, and then turned around suddenly when he heard a gasp behind him.
Khushi was standing in the doorway, her hands turning white where they clutched at the handles of the tray.
Her eyes were fixed on the frame, and in an instant, he knew what she was thinking.
He knew that she had seen his reaction to NK at the airport, and she was probably expecting a similar one now, when the photograph in his hands was the ultimate proof of NK's marital bliss.
She raised her eyes to his, apprehension clouding the hazel depths.
Her chest heaved with the force of her emotions, and she took a sudden step backwards.
He stared at her, knowing what he had to do now.
"Khushi...this is...NK, right?"
She gasped again at the name that left his lips, and he could well understand her astonishment.
Despite all that had happened between them in the last few weeks, he had never mentioned NK, not even once.
But now it was time, and she had to know that too.
"Wh..what?"
He looked down at the photo, and back up at her again.
"This is NK...and his wife, I assume."
"Yes...that's...that's Lavanya. But why do you..."
"Lavanya? So she doesn't belong to your religion, right? How did that go down with both the families?"
Her eyes were wider than they had ever been, and surprise overshadowed every other emotion on her face.
These questions weren't easy for him, either.
But they had to be asked, there was no other way.
She answered him haltingly, and he got the distinct impression that she didn't quite know why she was even replying at all.
"My family was...fine with it. But hers...wasn't. They... still aren't, as a matter of fact."
"I assumed as much. Even in these supposedly modern times, the intolerance for such unions is not uncommon. This animosity has been there for years, and has shown no signs of abating...the evidence is in that prayer meet we attended today."
"What are you...why are you saying all this? These questions...what do they mean? Why are you even here?"
The questions left her lips in a breathless rush, and he turned to place the photograph back before replying.
"Khushi...why don't you sit down and I'll explain?"
She shook her head, then turned slightly to place the tray down before facing him again.
When she remained standing in the doorway, he saw that he had no choice but to continue.
"Khushi, I'm going to be honest here. When I drove down here tonight, I had only one thing on my mind. I had decided to come here as...myself, just a man who is incredibly drawn to a woman , and wanted to convince her of that. I had planned to keep things light, and try to make you see what it would be like if we were actually a couple. But when I got here..."
He took one step towards her, then paused when she suddenly stiffened.
"...when I got here, I took one look at your face and knew that what I had planned wasn't the best thing to do , after all. But I am not sorry I came here, because while I stood outside the door, I finally realized what we needed to do."
He took a deep breath , then plunged ahead.
"We don't need flirtation, Khushi. Neither do we need reminders of the attraction that always flares to life between us. What we need, what is essential here...is to stop avoiding any mention of the past. We need to talk, Khushi. It's as simple as that. We need to talk about our families, which are an integral part of our lives. We need to talk about what happened ten years ago,and our reactions to that. And we need to do that because it's the only way we can move forward. It's the only way I can think of to...to eradicate the pain in your eyes that I glimpsed a few moments ago. Or at least decrease it..."
He stopped speaking as she shook her head again, his spirits plummeting as he realized that he might be asking too much of her.
"Khushi...I know that you may have reservations about this. I also remember that you have accused me of wanting everything my way. But now, the choice is yours."
He stared at her, willing her to take that step...one step that was all he needed.
"If you think that this is important enough...if we are important enough to take this step even though it might be difficult...then say yes. Tell me what's going on in that head of yours. And I...I will do the same. But the decision is yours to make. Do this only if you feel that this is essential...but if you don't, then I'll leave."
He waited for her to say something, anything.
But she didn't say a word, just stared at him with those impossibly wide eyes until he shifted restlessly.
He waited for a few more moments, and then it became apparent that she wasn't going to reply.
Her silence was an answer in itself, and he walked towards the door with a heavy heart.
But he had barely taken two steps towards the door before he heard her voice, the words that sent his heart soaring with relief and an incandescent joy.
"Bhai and Lavanya got married just recently...in a court ceremony."
He turned around, wondering if he had imagined the soft, whispered words.
But the look of uncertainty on her face convinced him that he had heard her right.
It was barely one sentence, but it was a start...and he would take what he would get, for now.
He had the proof he wanted...this was important enough for her to open up to him about a subject that was the key to their shared past, and that thought made him ecstatic.
"He is older to you, right?"
She nodded shakily, then walked over to the window before speaking again.
He wanted her to face him...he wanted to see the play of emotions in that expressive gaze.
But he did not want to do anything that might give her cause to reconsider, and so he said nothing.
"Yes...Bhai is three years older. I...I know what you're thinking. He...he should have been married a long time ago. But...he...he couldn't even think of that for the past ten years. He always told me that a person could only have one love..."
He clenched his fists, suddenly aware that this wasn't going to be easy on him, either.
Another realization hit him at the same moment.
For the past ten years, he had only focused on his pain...and his torment.
But now he was seeing the other side of the coin, and the anguish in her voice told him that everyone involved had suffered greatly.
"You must be very close to your brother."
She didn't say anything for a moment.
When she finally spoke, he knew from the sound of her voice that she was thinking of times long gone by...
"I am. We have always been each others' support, right from our childhood. In Lucknow, my parents...my birth parents, I mean...they would always say that we should have been twins , because we always did everything together. My father...he was the maulvi at the local mosque, and wanted to take Bhai with him because he could learn Arabic there. But Bhai refused to go because girls of my age weren't allowed in there, and he did not want to go without me."
"You must have had a very happy childhood, from the sound of it."
He heard the smile in her voice, and was glad that there were some memories that gave her joy.
"I had a wonderful childhood. Ammi , Abbu and Bhai...they were my entire world. A world that was shattered in an instant when..."
He heard the break in her voice, and he knew that she was referring to the riots in which her parents had been killed.
It dawned on him that this was something they had in common, the fact that both had lost their parents at a young age...and nothing had ever been the same again.
"Khushi...you don't have to talk about this if you don't want to."
She still wasn't facing him, but he didn't miss the slight shake of her head.
"It was a devastating time for us. But...we were blessed at the same time with Amma and Bauji...when I was thirteen, I was convinced that Ammi and Abbu had gone to heaven, turned into stars...and sent these two angels here for us. They gave us everything, more than we had ever hoped for."
"And you gave them your all, too. The entire town knew about the extraordinary bond between the Guptas..."
"We adore them, there is no doubt about that. But...Bhai and me...we became closer after that..incident. We had to face many taunts...and hurtful behavior after the adoption, and Bhai was always there for me at that time. He fought the bullies, endured insults for my sake...he did everything he could to make my life easier. And after college, he had cleared the exams for the IIT, but he refused to go at the last moment because he didn't want to leave me alone. He joined the local engineering college, completed his degree...and that was when he met...Anjaliji."
The name stabbed him through the heart, and he reeled under the impact.
In a distant corner of his mind , he noticed that she had stiffened too.
This was the most difficult thing he would ever have to endure, and it took all he had in him to say nothing as she continued.
"I knew what was going on, he...he told me all about it. I...I didn't know what to make of it in the beginning. I knew things were going to be difficult for them because of who she was, and I begged him to take the advice of our parents. But he refused, and then...then he told me that it was all over. Anjaliji was going to marry someone else."
Silence fell around them, and Arnav stared at the woman in front of him.
He knew that it had taken a lot of courage to stand there and tell him all this, and he could do no less in return.
Even though every word would ravage his soul, he had to do this.
"That marriage was fixed by my grandmother, years ago. The groom was the son of the party leader, and it was a political decision more than anything else. I knew that, but I...I assumed that Di was happy with this choice. I spoke to her every day during the preparations, and never...not once did she indicate that there was something wrong...that there was someone else who..."
He turned away from her, an unaccustomed pressure building in his throat.
He forced his next words out, his voice sounding low and gruff as he did so.
"We were close too...but for completely different reasons. I was only six years old when my...parents passed away, but I was old enough to remember the arguments...the fights...the unhappiness that prevailed in our house. My father could see nothing beyond his pursuit of power, and Maa was just another deal for him. Di was my only support too...and after our parents died, she...she was all I had."
He paused for a moment, then rubbed a hand over his eyes.
"Arnav..."
Without turning around, he knew that she had come up behind him.
Her soft voice was nearly his undoing, but her forced himself to keep speaking.
"Obviously, she didn't think we were close enough to confide in me...but I probably to blame for that. I left for Harvard and never looked back. I never wanted to be a part of the political arena, and all I wanted to do was run as far away from that as possible. In doing so, I made her feel as if she was alone, with no one to share her secrets with...until I asked her about NK, of course. In fact, she told me so herself, because she had seen you with me on the grounds of Sheesh Mahal."
"I had no choice! I...I had to come, I had to try and stop the wedding if I could! Bhai wasn't eating...nor was he sleeping well. I...I was afraid that he would do himself some harm. I...I just couldn't bear that thought, and I wanted to do everything I could...that's why I came to you."
"And I tried, Khushi. Just like I said I would. But Di had made up her mind, and there was no changing it. Nani even asked her if the wedding should be called off, and she refused. And that's why the preparations went on as if nothing had changed."
"I...I never imagined that she would say something like that. I thought she would change her mind before the wedding, even though Bhai told me she wouldn't... but...why didn't you call me?"
He closed his eyes, aware that there was no possible excuse for his cowardice.
"I couldn't. I didn't know what I could say..."
"Bhai told me that he would try to forget her...but I could see that he couldn't. I could see the toll this was taking on him, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I waited and waited for your call...but then the wedding day arrived..."
His breathing was harsh,and her voice had dropped to an anguished whisper as well.
The moment was fraught with pain...and torment beyond anything they had ever known.
"The look in Bhai's eyes that day...I couldn't bear it. This was my brother, the one who had always protected me...the one who had given up so much for my sake...I had to do this for him. And so I...I tried one last time...with those notes."
The silence was deafening, and he clenched his fists until his nails gouged into his palms.
"I know you had warned me about the situation in the city...but at that moment, I couldn't think of anything other than...getting them together, so they could talk...and when she came to the temple, I thought that...that...everything would be alright now."
He turned around abruptly, and finally, they stared into each other's eyes.
Surprisingly,her eyes were dry.
There were no tears...just a deep-rooted devastation that seemed to mirror his own.
"But it wasn't, was it?"
She was looking straight at him, but he knew that she wasn't really seeing him.
Her vision was fixed on something in the past...something that he knew he wouldn't be able to hear.
"Everything went wrong. It...it happened so suddenly...Bhai...Bhai pushed me behind the bushes and then...then I saw...Anjaliji..."
He cut in quickly, surprising himself with the calmness in his voice .
"I was going to her room when they..they told me she was missing. I...I had her wedding present in my hand."
For the first time since this conversation started, tears sprang into her eyes.
He was unable to stop himself from continuing, unable to stop himself from reliving that horror...
"In the end, I did give her the present. It was a cell-phone, you know. They had just been introduced in India...and I wanted her to have it. And she did. But...she never got the chance to use it. I...I placed it in her hand...but...her fingers were too stiff..."
As he watched her through the haze of the nightmare, she fell to her knees, tears streaming down her face now.
"The lights in Sheesh Mahal...the decorations...they are all seared in my memory now. Along with the...sight of all that blood...and I know that I was responsible. I did it with my hands...these hands started that chain of events..."
He looked down at her bent head, watching as she stared at her outstretched hands.
"Over the past ten years...I have wanted to stab these hands, mutilate them in some way. But...I'm too much of a coward. I...I took the easy route instead. I burned all my clothes, I gave away all my music...I refused to get married. I punished myself in every way I could but..."
She looked up at him, and he caught his breath at the glimpse of hell in her eyes.
"It's never going to be enough, is it? What I've done is too big...the sin is too great...no punishment if ever enough, because nothing will change the past!"
He wanted to say something, but he couldn't.
But then she spoke again, and he lost the chance.
"All I can do is apologize..and repent. For the rest of my life, if I have to. I don't deserve happiness. And that is the truth. You came here for the truth, didn't you? Well...here it is. Being with you...dreaming about being with you...would make me happy, and what right do I have to be happy when I have taken that which was dear to you?"
She looked at the ground again, her shoulders shaking with her silent sobs.
"I hate myself for what I did. How can I allow someone else to..."
She lost all control then, her silent tears transforming into whimpers of pain...and screams of anguish.
She beat her hands on the ground, then finally covered her face with them.
And the tears continued unabated.
He stood there for a long moment, staring at her downbent head.
Through the maelstrom of emotions...through all his turmoil, one thought surfaced.
How could he hate someone, punish someone whose entire life was a punishment?
He took a step towards her, then knelt down before her.
He took a deep breath, the gathered her quaking body in his arms.
She looked up, startled.
And then she did something that surprised him.
She flung herself in his arms, her tears drenching his shirt in seconds.
He held himself still for a moment, then buried his face in her neck.
They stayed that way for a long while, but neither said a word.
One cried and cried until there were no tears left, while the other's heart bled for her.
For his Di.
For all the pain, all the anguish...everything that was really no one's fault at all.
For the lost years, the torment...the unending repentance.
They stayed that way until she finally collapsed in his arms, the tears having taken away all her strength.
________
A few moments later, he laid her on her bed and straightened when he saw her settle down into an exhausted sleep.
His eyes took in the paleness of her cheeks.
They saw the tear tracks on her face.
They noticed the scratches on her hands.
The torment that had her in it's clutches hadn't left her alone while she was asleep either. She tossed and turned, and he saw that too.
And in that instant, something within him shattered.
A barrier long-held, one that had been in place for ten long years.
He knew what it was, and accepted it.
Because he knew that it was the first step...towards making sure that this pain was gone from her life forever.
And from his, too.
He stepped away, then turned towards the door.
But then he remembered something, and turned back again.
He walked up to her nightstand, and removed two objects from his pocket, placing them in the center where she would be certain to see them.
And then he left, closing the door behind him.
________
Khushi walked down the corridor, her mind feeling sluggish and drugged.
The previous night had been terrible, and she couldn't even think about it without the fear of breaking down again.
She was trying hard to keep her mind away it all...
She didn't want to think about everything that they had shared.
She didn't want to think about that moment in his arms.
She didn't want to think about how she had gotten into bed, or the items she had seen on her nightstand this morning.
She couldn't afford to think about them, not right now.
Everything in her was screaming to run to him, but this wasn't the time.
The news report that she had seen this morning had to take priority over everything else, even their private lives.
She knocked on his door and entered to find that there were others in there as well.
She recognized Aman Mathur , his campaign manager, and Akash Raizada.
And then, there was him.
Arnav.
Her heart raced at his sight, but she schooled her expression and tried not to let her thoughts reflect on her face.
He was staring at her intently, making it difficult for her to keep up the facade.
"Good morning, Ms.Gupta. I'm sure you know what's going on."
His words were saying one thing, but his voice was saying another.
She looked quickly at the other men, hoping that the air of intimacy existed only in her imagination.
"Yes, I did see the news this morning. Pratap Singh has withdrawn his support from the coalition."
"We are leaving in a few minutes for an emergency meeting of the core leadership. Are there any urgent internal matters that require my attention?"
"Not at the moment, Sir. "
"Bhai, then we should get going. "
The three men stood up , and she stepped aside as Aman and Akash left the room.
Arnav unplugged his cell-phone from where it had been charging, then came up to her.
"We don't have much time, but I just wanted to say that this isn't over yet. We still have things to talk about."
She didn't hesitate.
"I know."
"Khushi..."
"They are waiting for you. You should leave now."
He stared at her for a long moment, then nodded and left the room.
The day passed slowly, although she had enough to keep her busy. They received the news that the Prime Minister was now conducting negotiations with Pratap Singh, with the hope that he might come back into the fold when the trust vote took place.
Her thoughts flew back and forth between the crisis and her own personal turmoil, unable to completely forget the events of last night.
By the end of the day, she felt exhausted, and gathered her purse and cell-phone before heading out with a weary sigh.
As she passed by his office, she realized that she hadn't seen him all day. She wondered how he was coping with this crisis. He did not have any experience with this, and she wasn't sure about the depth of his knowledge about the trust vote either.
She stopped by her car, suddenly realizing that she couldn't leave without seeing him just once.
She almost laughed at herself.
What if he wasn't coming back to the office after all?
The thought had barely crossed her mind before she heard the honk of a car horn and stepped aside hurriedly.
The car stopped beside her, and she turned around to see him getting out of it.
"Khushi?"
She stood there for a moment, feasting her eyes on him.
He still looked the same as yesterday...
Then why did it feel like everything was different after last night?
"Is everything alright? Why haven't you gone home yet?"
"I...I was waiting for you."
She wanted to bite her lips, but it was too late to take her words back.
His slow smile made her feel as if she had done something right after all...
"I was caught up all day. This is one terrible mess."
"Does it look like the PM might succeed?"
"I don't know for sure, but it looks unlikely."
"This Government will fall, then."
"Khushi?"
"Yes?"
"I don't care about the damned Government right now. "
She felt a slow blush cover her cheeks, the looked around quickly to see if anyone was within earshot.
"Have lunch with me tomorrow."
"We...we can't."
He sighed.
"Fine. I'll figure out something. I think you should leave now, before it starts raining."
She nodded, then stared at him for a long moment before turning towards her car.
At the last moment, she turned around to find his gaze fixed on her.
She realized that he was checking to see if she had worn his gift to her.
She stared at him, noting the disappointment that clouded his eyes when he saw that she hadn't.
She looked away, then stepped inside the car.
Her eyes closed tightly, trying to forget that look in his eyes.
She wished that she had the courage to wear his gift...
Maybe someday...
________
Later that night, she was staring at his gift when the phone rang suddenly.
"Hello?"
"It's me. I told you I'd find a way for us to talk, and this is it."
Khushi cradled the phone in her hand and leaned back.
"At this time of the night?"
"It's the only time when we are both free."
"Is there any news from the PMO?"
"Khushi, I didn't call to talk about that."
___________
Please scroll down for Part Two.
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