Pain and lots of pain **trigger warning for self harm**

8 months later . . . .

When two halves of a soul falls apart, what happens is this.

Abhi starts his day with a beautiful dream-in the dream his arms are over his beloved, her fingers run through his hair and he don’t want to wake up. The familiar, sweet feminine voice whispers we should get up, its getting late and he don’t, because if he does, it will end. So he holds onto her tightly, burying himself around her to inhale her scent. Somehow it goes from soothing words to bitter, harsh sentence like how can you sleep like this, murderer? He opens his eyes, finds his bed empty and pillow stained with tears.

He hurls it away from bed.

He spends his days in anger. He barks at newbies who had joined HAWKS, make them fight with each other, compete, make their lives hell to the point he can feel their hatred burning on his skin. When they run, he runs too, shutting off the noise in his head which screams the name of his ex. He tries to forget her voice, her smile, her blinking eyes- her cruelty too. Her unending sorries which fixed nothing. When he cant block them, he shouts. He punches a bag until his hands cant take it.

Natasha had asked him once- why he was so hard on the newbies? There was a particularly hard session when a man and a woman went against each other, and he didn’t tell them to stop even after they were bleeding. Everyone was shocked.

Abhi had remembered that session with Natasha, and before his head could remember the other half, he clenched his jaw and answer, “It will drive away any potential terrorists in case we have failed again. They will run away seeing the torture here.”

He had no faith in system or himself these days.

The newbies whimpers in pain and look at him with angry eyes and he feels nothing. His soul had died in his home on that awful night.

When the engagement officially ended, Abhi had spent some time moping around in his workplace and home, shutting himself away from friends and parents, drinking in some cheap bar where Shikha had visited him- she was another thing he had no patience to deal with. One day he had returned from base, bone tired as he stumbled into his apartment, and kept staring at the interiors. The plants, the photoframes, that bloody swing? Next day everything was gone. He had shattered glasses when he pulled off those pictures, the plants went to his mother’s garden, he sent the swing to his maid’s house, the wind chimer was hidden away in some box. There was no need why dry fruits should be kept in bottom racks. Why chilli shouldn’t come to his house? Everything has changed. Everything will change. Anything he could find which belonged to her, which reminded him of her, was put into a cardboard and hidden away. He didn’t want to see those broken pieces of a life he could have.

Months later, he had joined his parents for lunch. His mother filled silence- his constant support through everything. His Dad said nothing. Abhi felt like he was accusing him of something in which he had no hand.

He said the same to his mom.

“He will be fine. It will take some time.” She had replied, patting his arm gently. “I guess we all had too much expectations.” The bitterness in her voice made him sad. It was not just him, everyone had suffered.

Suddenly, this house felt dimmer.

He holds onto his anger, stops crying, and with time feels like he was human again. Talks to his mother, bears his father’s strange, muted silence. Stops drinking, starts treating newbies like human. But holds onto his anger- in the dead of night, in moments he has nothing to do, in silence where nothing can fill it. He hates himself for being pathetic. He hates her apologies- hollow, meaningless sorries. He don’t want to hear her voice. He wished he can delete her chapter from his head.

He wants her back. He wants answers.

Sameera also has similar dreams before her eyes open to this screwed up reality made by her- her lovers arms around her, whispering soothing words as his breath fans her cheeks.  Then it turns to how can you sleep after ruining my life?, and she wakes up with a gasp.

The first time she saw Samrat around her, she was sure she had gone insane-to imagine a dead person who, she thought, was her best friend but reality was different. A terrorist who faked everything yet she cant call him by his original name. She still sees him in his old dress, with everpresent smirk on lips and sparkling eyes. The first time she saw him, her knees gave out and she fell on ground, eyes squeezed shut and palms around her ears to not hear his voice. With time, she stopped questioning why. It was strangely comforting, even though scary.

She takes the library job when she realizes her countless, meaningless sorries wont make her mother forgive her. When the silence at home threatened to swallow her. When everything she did or say just made her mother angrier at her, the rage turning to silence. So she went to job, drowns in the silence, works as she should. Ignores books on army or defence related. She cant look at those.

Veer sir comes to meet- hes still Sir to her. They had lunch a few times, he tries to talk, she don’t co-operate. After a point, its just phone calls from him. It makes her mother completely shut down at her.

There are days when its hard to exist- she don’t eat, gives away food to stray dogs and watch them fight over it. She dreams of Abhi, his houses and how Smita aunty cursed her tearfully that she will never be happy after ruining her son’s life. She screams in pillow, cries in shower and one day realizes she cant. Even tears have given up on her. She just sighs at her self inflicted wounds, asks herself why, gets no answer and leads her monotonous life.

She visits this temple nearby her home and sits there for hours. Sometimes she prays that her mom should forgive her, sometimes she just stares at god, trying to make sense of everything- whats her identity now? Who is she with her alive father and broken heart? Who is she when she has quit her dream job and working in a library? Why she has broken the relation? How she gets to lead a life after ruining another? Why shes not trying hard enough to make a relationship with her alive father-isnt it a miracle? She asks herself, asks to god, finds nothing, and does the same thing again. Its insanity, there is no point.

One night her mother was particularly short with her, snappy words and banging utensils making her flinch as Sameera sat on a chair next to dining table. She had forgotten what wrong she has done that night- but remembered when her mother charged at her, she flinched and fell backwards from her chair, whimpering in pain and fear. Her mother has frozen too, all rage vanishing in a moment. Sameera had taken a few moments to compose herself, assured the shocked woman and ran to her room, and put her hands over mouth to stop screaming. Her mind had connected this to her captivity, thought her mother as someone who will hit her, hurt her. In her head, her mother blurred with Samrat and Abhi, all of them accusing her of something. Flashes after flashes kept coming and she shook in darkness, whispering as tears streamed down her face.

It continued, until it didn’t.

A pair of heels clicked in sync of music on the wooden tile, making heads turn. The dingy, claustrophobic corners didn’t phase her as she focused on something, purposefully striding towards a direction. The woman stopped near bar counter where a man was slumped over it, a half drank glass of liquor next to him.

“Come on. Enough drinking.” The lady tried to gently move him but he didn’t budge, “Oh sweety.” Her fingers reached out, wanting to feel those soft hair. Sweaty as of now.

Fingers curled around her wrist immediately. She smiled.

“This is so low. I mean come on.” She rolled eyes, looking around at the bar. Cheap, dirty bar with liquor as cheap as those dancers swaying to the music. Cheap crowd leering at her, making her skin crawl. Her disgust was evident. “You want to drink? I know better places.”

The man moved slowly, red eyed looking at her calmly. “Shikha.” Tongue rolled over syllables. “I am drunk. I haven’t lost my mind.” He left her hand, “What are you doing here?”

“Following you, of course.” He shook head at the answer. “Can we go please? Come on come on.” She tried to pull him again, but he wouldn’t even let her touch him. “Abhi.”

“Abhimanyu.” He corrected, then finished the rest of liquor. “You have some nerve, Shikha. Just because I didn’t tell Veer sir . . . “

“Yeah yeah . .  .”

“Stay the hell away from me.” Abhi started to rise, stumbling on his feet. She tried to move, but he jerked away her help. “Don’t touch me.”

“You are drunk.”

“If luck persists I will drive and be dead.”

“God, the dramatics. I am calling a cab.”

“Stop.” He was tired. “I don’t know . . . I don’t care about your plans. Stop. Stay away from me, don’t come close to me, don’t follow me. Just don’t. erase me from your life. See a doctor, treat yourself.”

“There is no treatment for heartbreak, Abhi.” Crossing arms, she smirked, “or to erase someone from our life. I think you would have been the first in line if it existed. By the way,” she looked at her phone, “you cab is here. See you again.”

He groaned at her words.

Since the time Abhi has arrived here, it seemed like he had trouble breathing.

Pinari is a beautiful town. Lots of greenery, quiet suburbs, less population with simple people. It felt closed knit, family like- probably no murder had occurred in last two decades. A kind of place people probably plan to retire, he mused. Yet the moment he had stepped into the base- one of the oldest one in state, he cant seem to breath properly. His first thought was this is a panic attack- first in months. But after multiple breathing exercises he realized that for some reason, his mind and body has decided not to like this place. Probably signalling him to get the hell out of here.

There is another small thing that this town belongs to Sa . . . his ex fiancé.

He didn’t know which hurt more. The name or the future that could have been.

Her town. The place she grew up- in every corner there must be some memories of her growing up. She had worked in this same place he is working temporarily. Probably walked these same corridors, sat on one of those chairs in assembly hall, ate that bland cafeteria food when she had joined.  Same place she had decided to join HAWKS, which changed their lives forever. He tried to wonder her eyes full of dreams and happiness.

He also remembered the other person who had walked the same path and had to clench his fist to not go there.

There was a man calling him and he let it distract him.

When Abhi had received this offer of training a set of newly joined air force officer in this town, he had sat on the floor of his house and thought a lot. He had lots of time once he decided he was unfit for HAWKS and stepped down to do boring basic desk job. He wanted to laugh at the irony as well- her town. Him training a set of people when under his watch, his team mates were attacked, almost died, and it turned out on of them was a terrorist. Someone like him training people. But surprisingly, Rawte showed faith. He also told he will be happy to not see his mopey face for a few weeks. Abhi didn’t think he was mopey. He wanted to think he was better now hiding his face full of heartbreak. He looked calm in mirror. Even his parents have stopped mentioning how his life has turned upside down during lunch and dinner.

A part of him wanted to run into her. She had to be happy- afterall she took the decision. Abhi didn’t go to therapy after the break up, instead analysed and overanalysed in his head for months. He squashed down those nagging voices in his head which told he had failed her somehow, instead did the blame game and initial anger turned to burning rage. If he met her- he didn’t know what he will say. Probably he will say too much. If shes happy, that will break him. There is no possibility that she will be as miserable as him when she was the one to leave.

Yet, after working hours, he takes a jeep from base and roam around in town. He tells himself he would rather not see her in any capacity- he didn’t even know if shes back here. Yet he will drive slowly and look closely if someone looks remotely familiar to him. His heart will skip everytime he sees a face in crowd and thinks its her. Then the face turns out to be another stranger’s and he feels even more disappointed. He didn’t know when he became a masochist like this, inflict pain again and again with no ending in sight.

There has to be an end to all these madness. No wonder he cant breathe. Hes thinking too much these days.

Pinari base has one of the oldest library in the history of all air force base. They have war pictures, memorabilia, old reports, books which cant be find anywhere. If they wanted, they could have made a museum with the amount of things they have stored in here. Abhi have always loved libraries, and each time he goes in this particular one, he becomes more amazed at the volume of information these four walls have. Some of the books, he found at the end of page, belongs to a nearby library. He got to know it was also very old and still running. Officers from here goes there to get books and the two institutions have regular meet ups to exchange books and supply stationary items.

His finger roamed on the penned signature on the last page of book- it was supposed to be returned 4 months back. He wondered how many such books were stuck here, not able to go back to where they came from.

That made him sadder.

He decided to visit this place once, this particular book in hand. Maybe a start is needed with this one. This book gets to return home.

It was drizzling slightly when he arrived near the library. It was easier to find when he asked one of the officer from base, not far away from there. Clutching the book in one hand, he ran a finger through hair to move any trace of water, eyes roaming over the building. It was old, of course, but had a warmth he couldn’t explain. It drew him in, made him walk quicker.

The reception was empty. It was also lunch time, he checked his watch. He didn’t see any sign to wait outside or any employee to stop him, so he decided to take a walk. The book shelves were so high that he had crane his neck to see the end. Books neatly categorized to sections, and many of them were so yellow that those had to very old. He took a few of them, ranging from politics, history to of course, air force. A lot of books on army personnel, biographies, war, missions.

Abhi was so engrossed in the book that he lost track of time. Someone passed by him and he looked up- a few boys and girls were near reception and someone was there. So the staff has returned- he realized with surprise that its more than half an hour he was standing and reading books.

People cleared and Abhi walked in, clutching a few books in his hands. The lady, a staff of library on the other side, was crouching down to get something. He patiently waited for her to come up.

When she did, both of them froze.

“Sameera?” he couldn’t believe that. He didn’t expect her here at all. From the look on her face, she didn’t either. They both kept staring at each other with wide eyes, dumbfounded at the unexpected meeting.

She looked away first, trying to recover. “Hello.” Noticing the books in his hands, “Do you want to process them?”

He nodded, and she got into work, quick and efficient as always. Abhi’s eyes followed her every move- the way she took cards, wrote down his name, current address and phone number on them, her signature and stamp on them, how she tucked each of them inside a card holder in all the books. She had sensed his stare, and her hands were trembling by the time she finished.

There were no reason for courtesy, at least that’s what Abhi’s head told him. Yet, politeness took over. “Thank you.” This was very jarring to him. “How long you have been working here?”

“A few months.” She looked over his shoulder and he moved to give space to an older man. He observed how she treated this new person- she was clearly as rattled as he felt, but she attempted to be more professional.

Abhi had no idea she had left her job.

Not able to stay any longer, he turned on his heels and walked away.

Taking those books were a waste of time and resources. He would open one of them, but pages will be filled with Sameera’s face and shocked eyes, so he will shut that book and take another one. And another one. Then the next. But it will keep happening, so he gave up on reading altogether.

He still hadn’t returned that four months old book which was the reason he went in the first place.

He couldn’t sit still. Walking gave him no respite. When he ran, blood rushed to his head and all he thought about her. He saw her first time in months and his carefully constructed mind, which she had destroyed in the first place and he had tried so hard to put back together, the mind just fell apart. Just like that. In a snap of fingers. He wasn’t over her- of course he wasn’t. he isn’t. he will never be.

Hes getting tormented here and she didn’t even look like . . . like he was important enough. That was the crux of matter in all these months. In his head, she didn’t prioritize him enough to stay with him. He had told her the same and repeated the same mantra all these time. He was angry. He never wanted to see her again. He missed her. He didn’t know so much. He wanted to see her again.

He battled with logic and stupid heart and after a few days went over the library again. This time without any book- he was never good with pretense. It was lunch time again, and again there was none near reception. He didn’t wait this time- he had to see her right then.

There was a small door which opened to what he thought was fire exit. It was a one storied old building so the exit meant a couple of steps and an open field. He found her there, sitting on one of the steps with a tiffin box in her hand.

He didn’t meant to startle her, but the moment he called her name, she jerked, and the tiffin box fell. The food spilled everywhere, and Abhi felt awful.

“I am so sorry.” He moved closer, not sure what to do with his hands. Sameera kept looking at the food on ground, head hung low. It made him feel worse.

“It . . . fine.” She mumbled, picking up the box and closing it shut. Finally, she looked at him- for a few seconds before she looked away again. “Hello. How can I help?”

“I . . . “ he wasn’t sure what to tell. Why was he here? “I am really sorry for your lunch.”

She got up, brushing away his concern.

“Let me buy you lunch.” She waved her hand at that. This repeated a few times- his apology, his offer for food, and her dismissal, all throughout her avoiding any sort of eye contact. Abhi cant tell what happened suddenly, in a moment of flash, red hot anger bubbled underneath. Just when she was going inside, back to her work, he lashed out.

“You know, you have no right to look hurt.” She stopped in her tracks, turning to look him, “No right. You were the one to . . . Why aren’t you happy?” pausing, he added thoughtfully, “Maybe you were. I came and ruined it all.”

There was satisfaction when her face went pale- she hadn’t expected this outburst so suddenly. She gulped down, looking away once again. It wanted him to lash out more. He wanted to forget he had loved this woman once upon a time- still does in a corner of his heart. He wanted to yell, say something more, let out whatever was in his heart so that it stops hurting and he can move past it, somewhat. He wanted to have an end so that the next time he sees her, hes not a mess. He wanted to recover from this sick disease called broken heart and he didn’t know what to do.

“I am sorry. Let me buy you lunch, please. I insist.”

She didn’t protest this time. Maybe shes scared her dismissal will lead to more shouting match at the workplace. Maybe his words have broken down her resolve. Or maybe, like him, she also wanted a closure.

Abhi moved first.

The lunch was quiet- too quiet. And yet, he felt like his breathing was easier for the first time in weeks. Maybe the lash out was good for his health.

Sameera ate like it was peanuts. Picking at food, took a tiny portion in the corner of spoon and chewed forever- all of this while steadily ignoring his presence. He himself had no appetite by now. Probably his words made her hunger disappear as well. He wondered why he was doing this, and felt another verbal outburst bubbling under his skin. Her subdued persona made it easier to come out, as ironic as that.

He had thought in his head she will be happy away from him and it didn’t happen. He wanted to know why. He didn’t want to know any damn thing about her life. Why she left if she wasn’t happy? What the damn point if both of them are miserable?

She didn’t protest when he offered to drop her back at library. She did everything to avoid another round of caustic words from him- kept head down, didn’t look at him, didn’t utter a word, did what he say, walked behind him. And every single thing she did, every small movement grated on Abhi. What the fck was the point in all these? Was there ever any point? She probably felt the air inside car getting warmer as well, judging by the way she pressed herself further away from him. If she had a shield, she would have put that to create a wall between them.

Her actions of victimization was the root cause of his anger, Abhi decided. Shes not the victim, shes the perpetrator. How dare she pretend to be the scared, helpless, powerless one? She was the one who walked through the door of his home and broke his heart to tiny pieces. This victim look doesn’t really suit on her.

He didn’t know what to do with this new scenario. Couldn’t process it in his head.

“Hows Sapna aunty?” her head jerked at the question, then nodded quickly. Still no words, he sighed in frustration. “You know, I had called her a few times. She wasn’t interested to keep in touch. Understandable. But I heard the accusation in her voice. Why was that, Sameera? Is there any miscommunication?” his grip tightened on steering wheel. He really shouldn’t drive. “You broke up. You broke this. And yet I get the blame from your mother?”

“I am sorry.”

“For what? There is a list and I don’t think sorry alone counts.” He was relentless. “I thought you will be happy staying away from me. Happy that you aren’t bearing the burden of this relationship.” Abhi looked out of window, “If you are not happy, I will never be.” She stilled at those words, “You remembering telling me that? And like a fool, I followed you. I was terrified that what if we both are stuck in unhappiness for the rest of our life. Who knew this would happen next?”

“I . . . I can walk back.” Timidly, she interrupted.

“Why you aren’t happy?”

“Please, stop the car and let me out.” Tears pooled in her eyes, “Please. I will . . . please.” She kept chanting please, as tears streamed down her face. “I am sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” Finally, he parked the car and killed the engine. “Sorry for what?”

Sameera unlocked the seat belt and almost ran outside, tripping on her way out. Clearly, not able to face him and his questions, his head snarked. Always running away after giving pain. A moment later, he followed suit, easily catching upto her.

It was starting to rain again.

“I was a good person.” Sameera stopped at his words, turning to him slowly as he kept on speaking. “I was a good person. A good friend. A good partner. A good boyfriend. A good fiancé.”

“You were.” He would hear her whisper above the sound of rain.

“Then why . . . “ noticing her shiver, he paused. “Its raining, come on.” She wouldn’t move, so eager to get away from him. When he caught her wrist to stop her, Abhi felt the shiver running through her, “You want to leave, fine. After rain stops.”

There was a shed nearby and he walked them under it. He let go of her hand immediately and she moved to stand in the farthest corner.  She wanted to run away from him so bad, yet destiny wont let her do it. There was a sick satisfaction in that. He was crying, begging to be with her that night. Shes crying to be away from him yet it wont happen.

“why you aren’t happy?” her walls went up immediately at the question. He just wont let go. She looked at the rain, probably contemplating to walk once again. Abhi moved closer, effectively catching her eyes.

“Why?” He demanded.

“Wh . . .y it matters?” words wont come easily to her.

“It matters to me. So why? You left your job and working in a library, you are back in your hometown with you mother and you aren’t happy. Why? Fcking look at me!” he pulled up her chin. “I want explanation, Sameera. You came at my home and I spent the entire night begging to take me back. You didn’t, and I thought your happiness lies in this. I tried to move on, tried to settle in this new messed up normalcy that is my life. I see you again and you look as miserable as me. You look like you are the victim, why? I need a bloody explanation so that I can continue on my moving on. I cant be stuck on this. Stuck in a life where I loved one girl and she didn’t love me back.” She stayed silent, eyes fixed on him. “I want my life back where I could breathe properly. Just breathe and be comfortable in my own skin. I want my life back without any added guilt. I just want to breathe and this is important to me.” She stayed silent and he slumped against her, head buried in her shoulder, “Answer me! Tell me how to move past this! How to get my life back?”

“Sorry.”

His anger flared up again. “I don’t need your fcking sorry.” Jerking her shoulders, he glared at her, “Sorry means nothing to me. Your apology means nothing. I have lost my mind, my heart, my soul, and I want to know what can I do to get that back? How to go back to a life where I never met you, never laid my eyes on you? Never knew you, never loved you with everything in me, never kissed you, just never, never knew you at all. I wish I was stuck in my old self -inflicted misery, at least that was my choice. You took everything from me.” His lips brushed over hers softly, “I wish . . . hate you.” I love you. I wish I didn’t.

She took all his words with chin up, took it like an indestructible wall. When his tears dried up and he was composed, stepped away from her like he should, she walked into the rain. An auto pulled up, shouting over rain to ask her where she was going. She turned to her side and saw the familiar car.

His kindness knew no bounds.

Giving a last look at him, she got into the auto.

Once life as we know it falls apart, we tend to go back to old habits. Patterns. There is a sense of calmness, security in knowing things as they will happen.

Sameera had read that in some book or notes. She had that in mind once she herself destroyed the life she knew it and moved back to her hometown with her mother. A mother who wont look at her, wont talk to her. A mother who would look at her angrily, snarling at any opportunity. A mother who lived in same house yet would pretend she didn’t know her at all.

She didn’t blame her. She looks at herself in mirror and cant recognize herself too.

Sameera had wasted some time moping in her room, until she had a flicker of hope that after all the shouting, tears and accusations, her mother will forgive her enough to treat her like a fellow human. When it didn’t happen, when living inside her home felt like walls closing down on her, she ventured out. The job was easy- albeit there were whispers as to why the kid who had left the town for a prestigious job would come for a measly, boring job. But people didn’t understand the comfort in familiarity. She hated the silence in home, but she needed the silence outside. She wanted to drown into it so that she can forget time.

In library, Samrat’s voice don’t haunt her. Even after everything, hes still Samrat for her. When she wakes up, hes there. When she thinks something, hes sitting next to her. When she comes back at night, heats up her dinner and sits alone to eat, hes there. With his sarcastic comments, ever present smirk. She knew it was wrong- his presence around her. Her own head imagining him. The first time she saw him, she had closed her eyes and buried her head in pillows. Over time, she had accepted him- maybe this was part of comfort and familiarity too.

This was the reason she was living like this now. A corpse.

She ignored everything- pretends her mother dont hate her. Avoids Veer sir’s call. Hes still Veer sir for her, he tries so hard to be her father but she just cant let him. Just a matter of time he gives up on her, she had told herself. She don’t talk to people much. There are times her mother will leave for job and there is no food. There are times there is no dinner. Sameera had always hated her own cooking, but that was a necessity now. Sometimes she throws away food and watches street dogs pouncing on that, fighting with each other.

Nights are hard. Waking up is hardest. She has flashbacks in dreams which goes back to Gira shooting, which her mind probably had suppressed due to her coma. She feels the bullet hitting her chest and scratch the old faded scar untill its raw, almost bleeding. She sees people hitting her and she curls on herself, blanket tight around her. She dreams with hands holding her close and a familiar breath near ear and then Samrat’s voice snarks. She wakes up, and everything is gone.

Sometimes she gets weighed down during work. She tries to keep it together until shes home but her mind is fragile, she supposes. She sits on the steps of fireplace and tries to breathe, when it don’t work she close her eyes and imagines Abhi next to her. Only when he actually shows up here- in her home town, her work place, she realizes how wrong was to seek comfort in his memory. She had no right, like he said. No right over his memories, no right to imagine him at her lowest, no right to dream and hope for him, no right over his existence. She had killed that. She had no right.

His words were a big blow, but that was expected. It took some time to recover, but she tried her hardest to go back to her routine. Pattern was comforting, pattern was soothing. Until that was taken away too.

Her mother was waiting for her one evening as she returned from work. It was so unexpected that she halted near door.

And then saw two other woman and a man similar to her age sitting on sofas.

Things were pretty blurry after that. She had served them food- what, she didn’t know. She had sat next to them, nodded to some questions which didn’t register, tried to smile and be in that moment. The guests left, her mother went back to kitchen, but she was frozen in that moment. What was going on? Why now?

So she asked. “Why?”

Her mother’s eyes flashed. “What does that mean? You know why.” It had opened a dam.

When Sameera sat down her mother and Abhi’s parents and broke the news of separation, there were so many questions, crying, accusations that she had lost track of time. Abhi, as he had told her previously, had said nothing. After a point, her own Mother gave up asking, but Smita aunty was relentless. That delayed reaction had marinated to disgust, self loathing and hatred for her own flesh and blood.

“You have destroyed your life. I have watched enough, but no more. How long you are going to stay here? An unmarried aged girl in this small town staying with an old lady will raise questions. I am looking for prospects, if someone is good, I will marry you off.”

“Ma . . . “ Sameera couldn’t speak. There were no lies, there was nothing to counter on except for . . . “you know . . . I can’t . . .”

“Why? Why cant you?” she looked at her Mother as if shes supposed to know the answer. “If you loved him enough, you would have stayed and fought for it. You didn’t. its over. So you will move on. I wont let you live a life like me. At least I had you, what do you have? Nothing. No one.”

She turned to go back to kitchen. “I expect you to attend every meeting from now on.”

“Its good that she finally confessed.” Samrat had commented as she sat on floor, leaning against her bed. “it was obvious. I told you.”

She said nothing. There was a small blade between her fingers and she didn’t know what to do next.

“She wont miss you. She hates you.” He sat next to her, “You have no one in your corner. Abhi hates you. Your mother hates you. Your dad . . . ah, well, touchy topic. Friends have ditched you. Except for me. And I am dead.” He sighed, “Really, not a difficult choice.”

This didn’t feel like a choice. Closure, maybe.

“Come on, Sam. You know this is the way it should be.”

She cut once, twice, and then countless times over her veins. Saw blood oozing out of her hand, spilling on clothes and running slowly over floor. Blood moves so fluidly. The stain is hard to remove.

When her eyes fell shut, Samrat whispered. “See you on the other side.”

This was supposed to be a progress report Abhi was going to present to Veer sir on his training in Pinari base. This was supposed to be those serious meetings where he is cross questioned and he counters. This was supposed to be an official meeting, but somewhere along the line these two men have lost all pretense of personal and professional life behavior.

Veer sir have always looked well groomed, presentable, stature straight as ever. Something Abhi had always admired. It never shows on his face how bad or good is a situation. These days, the man had lost that composure. His eyes look haggard, with dark circles underneath. When he moves, there is slight bend in his posture. Hes slow, he gets lost in thoughts. One of the reason why Abhi couldn’t muster the courage to give another blow to him regarding Shikha’s matter. Veer sir had become fragile- old age and countless blows have made him weaker.

Abhi himself wasn’t doing any better. He had hastily ran away from Pinari and was hiding in his apartment since then. He was so ashamed at the way he had behaved back there with Sameera- he couldn’t recognize the person. It says tough times shows what kind of person someone is, and it looked like he wasn’t a good one after all. How hurtful his words were. The way he had grabbed her hand, crowded her in car and under that shed. And the biggest lie he told her- hate her! How could he? He wanted to apologize. He wanted to never meet her so that he can forget whatever happened like a fever dream.

Yet, sitting in front of Veer sir, he couldn’t stop his questions. He wanted answers and didn’t know what to do with them if he receives any. “Did you know Sameera is working in a library?”

The question caught the older man by surprise, but he composed quickly. At his nod, Abhi asked again, “Why did she leave?”

“That’s obvious, isn’t it? She had always thought herself a misfit for this team, always took her failures harshly. After everything that happened, it just cemented her judgements. I tried, of course. Offered to shift her to a desk job. She wanted nothing to do with air force. Didn’t even think about it, just sent a resignation letter.” Pausing, he added apologetically, “I didn’t tell you. I thought you wouldn’t be interested.”

“I don’t think it was a matter of lack of interest from my side.” Abhi’s response came immediately. He was so defensive these days, trying to make sense all of it. He didn’t want anyone to think he was the one to blame. Closing his eyes, he regretfully added. “I am sorry for that.”

“Its fine.” Veer looked through the file in his hands. “I take it you have met her? How did it go? How was she?”

Awful. “Saw her in library. Took me by surprise.” He repeated the question in her head, “Did you . . . “

“I call sometimes. She wont speak to me.”

A phone call interrupted the meeting, leaving Abhi to contemplate over Veer sir’s word. He looked up at the sound of gasp, and saw the phone receiver slipping from the other man’s grip, his eyes wide in shock and horror. Getting up from his seat immediately, he rushed towards his side to comfort. There was a woman screaming over phone and he grabbed it, trying to listen.

“Oh god . . . oh my god! I . . . what do I do? What do I do, Veer? Sameera . . . “

Abhi was deaf for a second over the sound of wails from Sapna aunty, but he recovered quickly, murmuring to cut the call quickly and turned to his old mentor. Something terrible had happened, and they both had to go.

In the car, Veer informed him quietly. “Sa . . . she harmed herself.”

Its been more than 24 hours since they had gotten the news. In 24 hours, Abhi had sat himself in the corner of room Sameera was kept, noticed how Sapna aunty’s wails turning to sniffle, saw his Veer sir breaking down seeing the cuts on Sameera’s wrist. His butt was freezing, back was protesting but he couldn’t get up. He had gotten multiple calls from home as well, but couldn’t move his fingers to answer and decline. The sound of vibration kept on and on, and he wondered if it disturbed her sleep somehow. It was like those moments in hospital when she was in coma. Too much like that.

She will survive, of course.  The cuts were deep, she had lost a lot of blood, she was unconscious for hours before Sapna aunty found her, but she will live.

The first time she woke up, Abhi saw the panic on her face before she realized fully what was happening. How she looked around, the slow realization of regret on her face that she had survived somehow, the way she stared at the huge bandage over her hand. How she sluggishly tried to remove IV and blood pipes from her body. How she protested when doctors and nurses rushed to comfort her, and when she was injected with another dose of morphine, how her eyes closed and lips opened in a silent scream. Abhi saw it all and couldn’t believe it was happening in front of him.

So it happened again. And again. The third time, Doctors recommended cuffs should be put around her legs and hands as shes a danger to herself. Abhi repeated that in his head, and still was in disbelieve in this new, fuked up reality.

The fourth time she woke up, she panicked at the cuffs, struggled at them so hard that the bed shook.

He moved to comfort her- he cant touch her, but maybe words will help? Shushed her, whispered

soothing words, told her she is at the hospital and if she wanted her mother? Her father was here too,

should he call them? But she kept pressing herself further in the pillow and mattress, looking like she

wanted to disappear. Closed her eyes and kept screaming silently with her mouth opened, slowly stopped struggling against the cuffs. She fell asleep like that once again, tears streaming down her face.

Abhi lost it then. Stood next to her bed and wept.

Suryakant had arrived immediately after the phone call of his son, fearing the worst. He sounded too calm over the phone, he assumed that was shock. He himself couldn’t believe this was happening. Sameera was a nice, sweet, happy child. Circumstances had somehow gotten so much worse that she would not want to live- this was something he found hard to accept. A part of him suspected the reason of that might be the untimely demise of their relationship. But why now, after all these months? Wounds are supposed to heal over time, isn’t it?

But even Suryakant knows some war scars never heal. All of them have failed the girl, all of them were responsible for this. He counted himself too- even though his son is no longer attached to her.

Abhi was sitting on one of them metallic chair when he arrived. When Suryakant put a hand over his shoulder, he curled onto himself further. Words flew freely, Abhi was keeping a lot to himself, probably not to burden Sapnaji and Veer.

“I did this.”

“Don’t say that.”

“No, I did.” He sniffed, wiping his nose with the back of his hand, a look of disgust over his face. “I came here, saw her. Forced her to come to lunch with me. She was uncomfortable in my presence. I pushed her, I behaved so horribly. I told her that I hate her.” His throat clogged up with tears. “Me? Hate her? Biggest lie of this world. How could i?”

“Abhi.” He rubbed his back slowly. “Maybe whatever I say wont register. But I think a lot of things, a lot of people have failed her. It was not just you. Maybe you were the last breaking point.” Sighing, he shook head. “This is unbelievable for me. I . . . I just cant comprehend.”

“I went to her house, you know? I wanted to help Sapna aunty. I was in the hospital room when Sameera woke up- she didn’t want to, you know? I saw that on her face. When she woke up, she probably thought she was dead. Then she saw me, saw her wounds, and she realized she had survived. The disappointment . . . “ his voice broke as fresh tears streamed down his face. “They had put cuffs around her limbs. She is a danger to herself. I wanted to help . . . I saw her room. There was so much blood. I was . . . I felt like throwing up. Oh my god, Dad. What do I do?”

Abhi wept, hiding his face between his hands. Suryakant didn’t answer. They all have to figure out what to do next. She has survived, but what about mentally? What if she tries again? What if she succeeds next time? He felt physically sick at the notion.

After a few days, Abhi had a slight flicker of hope that things will go upwards from here. Doctors had removed cuffs from Sameera’s hands and legs. She was no longer struggling when she woke up, didn’t try to remove her vials or harm herself further. She took medicines, they were feeding her through IVs. Her wounds were healing slowly as well.

All of a sudden, there came an end to this temporary calmness.

The four of them were in agreement that what Sameera need, was a specialized doctor. A good psychiatrist and lots of medicines so that she can some out of dark hole of her mind and this never happens again. The doctors in this hospital had confirmed the same- its all because of Veer sir that they didn’t push for FIR for this self- harm attempt. Pinari was a small town, so of course they had to go to city. Abhi had suggested his own therapist back from base. The doctor practices on civilians as well. If he cant for some reason, he must have good contacts.

Probably his involvement grated on Sapna. She was polite but firm to decline his offer to help with Sameera. She said thanks, and dismissed him entirely from the conversation. It angered Abhi immediately, his father watched with wary eyes. Soon a concerned mother and overprotective ex collided, blinded in their anger and hurt.

“You don’t get to do that, Abhimanyu.” It stung, the use of his full name from Aunty. “Your relationship is over. You have no right. I will manage something. I will do everything to save my daughter.”

“Yes, the relationship is over, but there is humanity. I will do anything for her, you know it.”

“You shouldn’t.” she looked away, “Thank you for your concern. You too, Suryakantji. I will take it over from here.” Swallowing, she added. “I have ignored her a lot. But I will focus on her one hundred percent.”

“Aunty, please. She needs all of us help. Don’t do this.”

“Maybe what she needs is to stay away from you.” He froze at the sentence. “What right you have? Nothing, absolutely nothing. Till what extent you will help? Once I let you in, there is no ending.”

“Come one, Sapna. Is it really necessary . . . “

“No, you don’t understand.” Her voice started to raise. “I cant let her to be another Sapna. I wont let that happen. Pining after a man all her life when its over. At least for us, it was destiny. She had chose this, and you too, Abhimanyu.”

“I had no choice in that matter.” He gritted in teeth.

“It doesn’t matter. You have no right . . . “

“What right you want? I will sign on a piece of paper to marry her, is that enough for you?”

Suryakant stepped in, “Abhi, enough. Stop.”

“Dad . . . “

“No. just stop this. She is inside, Abhi. What if she hears all of these?” Abhi looked away, slightly ashamed. “Sapnaji, I respect you. I understand your concern too. But don’t you think we should keep aside all these and focus on the kid? You can decide her destiny later, first, lets save her. We are offering help, like Abhi said, on humanitarian grounds. We care about her. Please, let us.”

“I thank you for the help, but . . . “ Helpless, Sapna slumped on a nearby chair. “it don’t feel right. To take help from you . . . if things had gotten the way it was supposed to, we would have been in laws. Abhimanyu is the ex fiancé. You are the ex in law. How is it right to take help from you when . . . the relationship is over.”

“What matters now,” Veer sir spoke up at last, giving a light pat over her shoulder, “is to focus on her. Are you fearing about society? Come on, don’t do that. Lets save our daughter. Lets grab all the help we could find and . . . lets save her. Try everything that is possible.”

“What if it pains her more? Triggers her badly?”

“She didn’t react badly to Abhi’s presence. We will see, Sapna. But don’t decline their help. They are good people, you know that.”

Sapna bent down her head, crying silently at the misfortune of her daughter.

The weirdest phone call of Suryakant’s life was this- to let Smita know everything that happened, to keep two guestrooms ready so that mother daughter can shift. For how long? No one knows. Smita asked very little, clearly rattled at this turn of events. He himself didn’t know if this was the right thing to do, despite their good intention. They are hoping for hope, what if they witness light slowly going out of her eyes? Can they survive that?

When he went to visit Sameera, she was asleep. He ran his palm lightly over her forehead. “Hey kid. You will be fine soon.”

The transfer took less time. Transportation was easier- she slept a lot, didn’t react much, until they reached home. Sapna had walked ahead with Veer as Smita waited near entrance, an air of sympathy and awkwardness in air. On cue, Sameera woke up, slightly disoriented at the new surroundings.

And froze immediately at the sight of her. Suryakant saw how her breathing got shorter, fingers clutched at the seat cover, how she curled on herself to make herself look small, trying to hide. Abhi rushed to help- she is flinching from everyone’s touch, hence he kept distance. Whispered comforting words, stood next to her like a rock, yet she didn’t calm down. Maybe this was a mistake- bringing her at their home. Maybe a guesthouse or hotel would had been better.

“I will bring her.” Abhi turned to him, worried yet determined. Silent understanding passed through father and son, and Suryakant walked away. But kept his gaze on the two of them from a distance, beside him Smita and Sapna, rooted to their spots near door.

Abhi turned to Sameera, swallowing the urge to cry at the situation. He has to be brave now. “Hey Sameera, come on. Look at me, please? Come on sweetheart.” If he even leans toward her direction, she flinches and pressed herself back into the car. If he tries to hover his hand over hers, she opens her mouth to scream yet no sound comes.

“I know, I know it is so hard.” He was lying. He knew what was it like to want to kill himself. Difference was he never tried. He never had to live in a world where he tried and failed, either. “Coming back here is so hard, isn’t it? But its temporary, I promise. You need help, you need help honey.” She kept crying, looking hard at the bottom of car. “The moment you are better, you can go home. I swear. I promise. This is just temporary, okay? Can you hear me? Sameera? Come on, lets get in. Come on.”

It took time, but soon tears stopped flowing from her eyes. She was shaking from physical and mental exhaustion when she came out of car and tried to walk, so Abhi held on her- he could feel the shudder going through her like it was happening to him. Walking was so difficult for her, by the time she reached inside, she was panting. Abhi wrapped an arm over her waist and carried her in bridal style, and she didn’t protest further.

Or maybe, Suryakant thought to himself, that was the face of someone who had given up on everything and going with the flow.

Abhi would like to believe they both were relived that it was a guest room and not his bedroom which was readied for Sameera. His room carried memories which will only sadden her further. Once they reached room, he quickly and gently put her down on bed, adjusting the pillow around her so that she can lie down and catch her breath. She was exhausted- he has never seen her like this before, not even when she came back from coma.

“Would you like to take a nap?” she said nothing, looking down at the floor once again. He was itching to do something, to say something to fill the silence. It was always her job previously. “You sleep, okay? I will wake you up later for dinner.”

He adjusted the blanket around her and stood there until she drifted into sleep. But he couldn’t leave yet, so he took a corner in the room, sat on the ground and made some phone calls for psychiatrist. Went through prescriptions doctor had written for her. Called the nurse they were supposed to hire for Sameera. When everything was done, he sat in dark, silent room and stared at Sameera. Even her breathing sounded low, almost forced.

Suddenly, the overwhelming feeling returned. He couldn’t breathe, nor could he swallow the lump in his throat. He started to count 1, 2, 3. . . . he had to recover. He cant fall apart now.

There was familiar sound on cane hitting floor. Abhi looked up to find Suryakant towering over him. With great difficulty, he settled himself next to his son on ground.

“I have made calls. Tomorrow nurse will be there.” At the older man’s silence, he continued. “Its difficult for Mom, I understand. Thank you Dad, for letting me bring her here. I wont let it be a burden to you. I will be here, hundred percent, to take care of her.”

“Okay.” He agreed easily. “When you are planning to get a break? Take some rest, maybe.” Abhi laughed bitterly at that, rubbing his eyes.

“You know there wont be any sleep until . . . “ suddenly, tears came back as his throat closed up. “I was looking at her just now. Shes breathing, Dad. i still cant believe it was this close . . . “ Suryakant patted his back and Abhi controlled himself, sniffing. “I just . . . I cant go there. I want to ask questions, but she cant answer. I was thinking . . . I am afraid to leave the room. What if I am not here and something happens?”

“I understand.”

“I will sleep here every night, until she gets better and tell me she no longer needs me.”

“To keep an eye?’

“I don’t know.” He shook head. “To watch her, to convince myself. I don’t know. I just . . . she was having an anxiety attack when we were in the car, did you see? I was wondering, what was the point to bring her here? Not like we could prevent this before.”

“There is light at the end of tunnel, my old brigadier used to say.” Suryakant said, “When I came back from war, many of my fellow soldiers died. By self harm. I realized light isn’t for everyone. She is saved. Its upto us now to help her. We will help her, you and me and Veer, Sapnaji and your mom. We all will help her so that she can help herself. We will guide her through the tunnel so that she can reach for the sun.”

Abhi nodded, staring at the sleeping figure of Sameera.

Its said that the world will end in a whimper, not with a bang. Abhi had thought the situation at hand was pretty close to the saying. He was on the edge since they came back home- in the back of his mind, he was prepared to be a guard and stop Sameera in case she tries to hurt herself again. She didn’t. she did nothing.

A nurse was there to change her wounds, give her medicines and bathe her. Sameera didn’t protest. She also didn’t look up or acknowledge if anyone talked to her, just flinched when someone entered the room and moved closer to her. She didn’t react or stopped when the nurse gave her medicines, or put her on IV. She was non reactive, especially towards food. She ate nothing- it was day 3 of them returning home and she had nothing apart from water and medicine. She didn’t look at food, she didn’t touch it. If anyone tried to force her, she curled on herself and cried until shes exhausted. Abhi wondered with a sick feeling if she was starving herself to death. He had fixed an appointment with a doctor but had to think how much that will be effective in Sameera’s almost comatose state.

Amidst all this, he was finding hard to focus on work and home. But of course, post a week of leave, he had to show upto work. When he returned in evening, he was greeted with Sapna aunty’s raised voice from upstairs. Fearing the worst, he ran through the stairs, rushing inside Sameera’s room.

Sapna aunty was towering over Sameera who was on the ground, shaking and crying uncontrollably. The lamp next to her bed was shattered, glass pieces were lying everywhere near her. His mom stood in a corner watching helplessly, trying to dissuade the other woman. There was food on the ground too- it was suddenly clear to him what was happening.

“Till how long you want to starve?” She was yelling in rage. None had ever seen her like this before- unhinged, on the verge of breakdown herself. For a moment Abhi felt she will raise her hand on Sameera. “You want to die? Cant you see everyone is suffering because of you? Since when you became this selfish.”

“Aunty, stop. Just stop.” Abhi put himself between the two, trying to calm her down. Whatever she was saying or going to say will hurt Sameera further.

“No, you don’t get to come between us. Stay away, Abhimanyu. I said stay away.” Abhi moved closer to Sameera, careful not to step on her. “Before you were here, I was there. It was just the two of us. I will see how she wont listen to her mother. She has to eat, she has to survive.”

On cue, Suryakant entered, face hardening at the sight in front of him. He glanced at his wife, who was crying by now. Gently, he coaxed Sapna. “Sapnaji, I think we should leave. Look at the kid, shes terrified.”

“I am her mother.”

“You are making things worse.”

She whirled on her steps, “How dare you? Just because you have offered help, letting us stay here, you think you have a right? Only you and your son can fix her?” tears streamed down her face. “I am her mother. How dare you say I cant help? How dare you?”

She was crying by now, and Abhi realized the fight have gone out of her. Smita put an arm around her, thankfully making her leave quickly. Once they left, Abhi turned to Sameera- carefully moved closer and looked over her to check if glass shreds have wounded her. Thankfully, there was nothing.

“Hey sweetheart. Its okay, its okay.” She had pressed herself into the wall by now, wanting to disappear. “Take my hand, come on. We need to move away from the glass, right? Take my hand. Take my hand sweetheart.”

Unexpectedly, she threw herself in his arms, sobbing her heart out on his chest as she buried herself into him. His arms closed around her immediately, releasing a breath he didn’t know he was holding since god knows how long. He rubbed her back, ran finger through her hair to calm her down as she kept crying, terrified of what happened before he had arrived. She was hiccupping by now, unable to breathe so he rubbed her back, counting 1, 2, 3 with her until it turned close to normal. He cried with her too, but wiped away his tears quickly. She needs his support now- atleast in pain, she chose him to cry on.

He untangled her slowly, moving together so that they were sitting on bed. He checked over her once again, satisfied that there were no added injuries. Holding onto her hands, he tried to soothe. “She didn’t mean any of that, you know that right? Shes worried about you, shes scared. Don’t take her words to heart. She loves you so much. She is scared for you.” Of you too, he thought to himself, wiping away her tears softly. “She is just scared, okay? Don’t take her words to heart. You don’t want to eat? We will find a way, okay? Is there anything specific you want to eat? You can write it if you want. You know I can cook, you told me so many times I am a great cook.” He kept babbling, hoping to ease her mind. But once again, she said nothing. Once she cried herself to exhaustion, she dozed off on the bed as Abhi fixed the pillows and blanket around her.

He was seething by the time she fell asleep. He was this close to yell at Sapna aunty and the only thing that stopped him was that shes Sameera’s mother. Whatever she said made no sense as well, it wasn’t like they blamed her for this, or gatekept the treatment. She was convinced to come here, Abhi didn’t understand why she was behaving like this suddenly. She had all the rights to have anger, helplessness, pain inside her, but that don’t excuse the way she behaved today.

That night, Sameera had nightmare for the first time he had seen. No doubt triggered by Sapna aunty’s behavior. Even in sleep, she don’t scream- her mouth opens but nothing comes out. She thrashed a lot, and Abhi had to hold her hands so that her wounds don’t reopen. The moment he touched her, she stopped moving- but she was restless. Even in sleep, she guarded her subconscious state. She was hyperalert of someone else’s presence, so careful not to reveal much.

Abhi started to wonder if the loss of voice was permanent. The thought made him hurl something at the wall.

Next day, to Abhi’s and everyone’s surprise, Sameera decided to join them on table for breakfast. She was too conscious of everyone’s attention on her, so Suryakant decided to divert their attention. Sapna looked triumphant, piling up on her plate to the growing discomfort of Sameera. Abhi watched her like a hawk- when she started to eat, it didn’t look like she was doing this to fill her stomach. It was like an obligation to finish a race under the watchful eye of someone who wanted her to.

He took away the plate when it looked like she cant finish it. At least there was something in her system after long time.

The nurse told him in the evening that Sameera had threw up everything post breakfast- not something she did deliberately, she had cleared it to him. Her body simply couldn’t handle this sudden onslaught of food. For a moment Abhi wanted to go near Sapna aunty and yell at her, but sense overtook him. There would be no point apart from shouting match and stress to Sameera, atleast her mother looked satisfied now. That evening, and every meal since then, Abhi sent to food to Sameera’s room. He took dinner with her, eased her mind so that she don’t rush to finish everything.

One evening, he took her hand, hesitating at first then firm, and told her, “There is a doctor. I think you should see her.”

It was a woman, which he felt would be comfortable to her. She was in her fourties, had good experience in handling ex soldiers and patients with complicated mental issues. As of now, she had wanted to see Sameera twice a week- just to talk to her and understand her mind. She will give her medicines so that the depression can go away slowly. She wanted to check for loss of voice too- she strongly suspects its not something physical. The mind has shut down to the point it refuses to co-operate, hence no voice comes out.

There were tears from her side, and Abhi could feel the hopelessness, the point when someone gives up everything and goes with flow because others told you to- that aura from her. He tried to explain the need of doctor, voice gentle yet firm. He was prepared mentally for the sessions- it will be hard, no doubt. But it will be for better. This is the first step of recovery.

She blinked away her tears slowly, silent in her misery.

Abhi could feel her anxiety since the start of day. How sluggish movement were slower than ever, she sat and walked with a hunched back, eyes hard on ground. Her heart was pounding so hard since the moment that he made the nurse check her- it was nerves, she told him. He had to calm himself down before facing her. It was doctor’s appointment today, they both has to be strong.

When they reached the clinic, Abhi knew this was the last place she would want to be. Her fingers curled tightly around seatbelt, it took forever to get her out of car- at a point he was dragging her, hating the way she resisted, crying silently all the way to clinic. They waited on the doctor, and he tried to calm her down by patting her hand softly.

An attendant came, waiting to take Sameera away. She didn’t want to go- Abhi himself didn’t want to do this. It was paining her further, he couldn’t deal with his own anxiety that she will be out of his watch for at least next one hour. But it was necessary, no matter how painful. So he let her take Sameera, stilled his heart seeing her hesitance and tears, and waited until it was over.

The lady doctor, Girija, sat patiently as Sameera took forever to sit on the couch reserved for patients. Her well trained eyes noticed her every movement, asked her softly if she needed water, offered her tissue, tried to sit closer to her. The girl reacted to nothing, and when she moved closer, her entire frame shook so violently that she feared a heart attack. After a while, she realized today’s session wont be useful in her such terrible condition, so she sent her attendant to fetch for patient’s partner. She hoped the man, Abhimanyu, hadn’t left. She had a feeling he was waiting outside.

He burst thought the door and the girl, Sameera, started to cry harder. Girija recognized that those were tears of relief- a closed room with a stranger had scared the girl badly. The man soothed her, giving a look of apology. After a few moments, they both took leave, and she received a message later with apology and request of reschedule this appointment.

Girija had gone through the file- this might not be an easy case.

Abhi felt fuking terrible for all these. It was Veer sir situation all over again when he had pushed her and she had shut down herself. Maybe he had hurried too much, his own selfish reason taking over physical well -being of Sameera. She was still sniffing when they reached home, as Abhi watched his parents and Sapna aunty fussing over her.

Maybe what they all needed was time, and he had snatched that away to fast track her recovery.

Back in her room, he tried to comfort her- comforting words, soft touches through her hair and hands, all the assurance in world to take away her fear and that they are all here. Countless apologies for all of these. He was so used to her silence and body language of not acknowledging anyone that he was startled when she suddenly gripped his finger-hesitant, still shaky. But a touch was there.

Abhi’s heart lurched at that. Hope was a dangerous thing.

Her lips moved, too fast for him to understand. His frown made her pause, so she stopped abruptly, looking here and there to find something. Abhi read her mind, grabbed a few tissue papers and pen nearby, almost tripped to get to her. After so long there was hope- flashes of light in tunnel, as his Dad said. He almost towered over her as her fingers moved- stiff and unused to holding a pen.

There was scribble don’t . . . . want . . . go

He thought for a moment, “Okay.” Her eyes had bit of a spark after all these time and he had to hurry with answers. “Don’t want me to go? You don’t want to go.” She nodded. “Okay. Don’t want to go . . . to the doctor?” There was another round of vigorous nods.

He sighed painfully at that. He was expecting this resistance. “No, sweetheart. You have to.”

She burst into tear again, the paper crumbing around her shaking fingers. When he tried to uncurl her fists, he felt the familiar tremor running through her. Struggling against everything in her, she scribbled in another paper hurriedly, thrashing the notepad to him.

Please.

Then, there was another.

I will try.

And more.

I will be good.

Abhi had started to cry by now. “You are good. You are.” Holding her face in his palms, he leaned against her forehead. “You are already trying, aren’t you?” She nodded immediately at that, “I know you are. Everyone knows. You are doing so great. We all are proud of you.” Wiping off his own tears and hers with the back of his hand, he continued. “It is to help you. The doctor will be good for you.” She started to lean away from him, shaking head but he held her closer. “You need help.”

She wrote another line. I wont cut again.

Abhi couldn’t say anything to that- in the back of his head he was waiting for that shoe to drop. Sameera sensed that, and wrote further. I swear. She gestured wildly through her hands, signaling no, then pointed towards her mouth. She tried her hardest to say something, he could feel that, but once again nothing came out. There were more writings. I will speak. I will try. I will be good, I promise. Please . . . don’t make me go. When she didn’t see in his face what she wanted to, she even folded her hands. She will rather beg than go, Abhi thought painfully as he took her in arms, squeezing his eyes tight as he buried himself into her.

“This will be good for you. You aren’t speaking to us.” He rephrased to not blame her. “You cant speak to us. Maybe you aren’t comfortable. But someone from outside? That will be the best person to help. You need help, sweetheart.” She looked down, sobbing by now. Those hiccups had returned. “You know you do. The lady is an amazing doctor, give her a chance?” her head shook, once, twice, repeatedly until Abhi held onto it, their foreheads touching. “Don’t do this, Sameera. Don’t shut us down. Please, I beg you. Please take the help. I promise I will not leave you alone there. I will be outside the door. Would you want me to join you? I will do anything, anything for you. I will be there in every steps of the way, I swear. Please, please honey . . . ”

He kept begging, she kept gesturing no, head shaking and arms flailing everywhere. After a while, she moved away from his touch, pushed his hands when they tried to touch her, wont let him comfort her, put hands around her ears to not listen to him. Hid her face between her palms so that her cries quietens further.

This didn’t happen ever- not before, not now.

Abhi moved back in the corner of the room, trying to soothe her with his empty, hollow words. “I am here, away from you. See? I wont . . . I wont hurt you. I promise.” His voice broke – he was hurting her, yet it’s the last thing he wanted to do.  He watched her fell asleep with tears streaming down her face, shaking every now and then, asked the nurse to take care of her and ran outside so that he can scream into the sky.

He was the only one who could get close to her and comfort her. By trying to help, he was lost that also. She was upset with him, she wont look at him or let him touch her. Abhi wondered how it will impact her- what if Sameera stops eating again? Or harm herself to escape the situation? He felt absolutely helpless in this situation. If the time comes, will he be strong enough to stop her? Should they send her to a facility where well qualified people can help?

He tried to picture a scared Sameera amidst bunch of strangers, and closed his eyes in frustration.

He didn’t know what to do.

There were no light at the end of the tunnel- at least not this faster. Abhi had started to wonder if there was any point to whatever her was doing, what he was trying to do. Everything hes trying, everything he is touching is turning into ashes. He thinks all of these in his head- he cant tell anyone about his hopeless mind. He is a beacon of hope and positivity to everyone near him, hiding his darkness and burning himself till the end like a lamp.

He had resigned from the position from HAWKS leader, took instead boring desk job with 9-5 and weekends off just to be at home. When his friends asked, he revealed nothing- Sameera was a secret close to his heart now. he rushes to home to see her, all of his waking hours and sleeping moments are about her. She is still not responding to his words, flinching away from his touch. There were a few therapy sessions where she had sat stoically for an hour, the door of room opened as Abhi watched from outside.

“She has stopped responding.” The doctor had said to him after two sessions like this. “Did something happen?”

Abhi couldn’t reply immediately- the guilt was eating away at him. “She is like this since . . . you know.”

“She was crying earlier.”

“Is that supposed to be a good thing?”

“There was a reaction. Maybe not what you were expecting, but there was. Now there is nothing- she is completely non responsive. Her depression is turning into severe, I am afraid medicines might not help after a point.”

“I don’t know what to do.” His tone broke, tears swimming in eyes. “I know this is right for her. These sessions, medicines, you. I know in my head this will help. But she didn’t want to be here. She begged . . . “ Abhi couldn’t speak further.

Sameera sat outside the cabin, staring into nothing.

“Why don’t you take a sit?” The doctor was gentle, “Maybe you need a session yourself.” Abhi’s lips twitched at the joke as he sat. “I believe you were in therapy too?” He nodded. “See, things like this takes time. Its different for everyone. For you issues were better after a few weeks, she might take an entire year to be alright. Plus there is speech issue as well.”

“I understand that.”

“Do you really? See . . . Sameera is so lucky that she has someone at her beck and call 247. For my many patients their relatives don’t even care that much. You have thrown yourself out there for her recovery, and maybe that’s why its stinging you a lot when there is no improvement faster. I need you to think- how much can you actually support her? Without ruining your own mental health and impacting your life? You need to strike out a balance.” She paused, glancing at Sameera once, “Regarding her, we need a response. At least nod, eye contact, stop being afraid of touch. This complete shutdown isn’t good. We have seen with many patients that after this state, they suddenly goes missing from their homes or . . . you get what I mean.” Abhi nodded at that. “Is it a me issue? Maybe she is not comfortable with me? I can recommend someone else if . . . “

“Are you giving up on her?” he asked hotly, and she smiled at that.

“We never give up. But if she isn’t comfortable . . . “

“No, its not you. She didn’t respond to anything as such.” He narrated the entire breakdown to the doctor- how Sameera wrote on papers, gestured with hands, pleaded and then cried herself to sleep. Her loss of appetite. Abhi had noticed she didn’t sleep properly too- there were a lot of thrashing, sometimes she will stare into darkness for hours until her eyes are exhausted.

Girija wrote down everything in her note, and gave some pointers to Abhi. Starting from increasing family interactions- Abhi knew he had hijacked the entire recovery process, leaving no space for anyone to even breathe near Sameera. He had to take a step back so that someone else can support her. Maybe she will respond to that person faster, better?

Abhi hoped that happens soon. He will take anything at this point.  

He had distanced himself from hovering around her all the free time. Abhi restrains himself to run to her room when he returns from work, lets Sapna aunty help Sameera- he cautiously looks over but don’t interfere. He still drives Sameera for her sessions but don’t sit outside for the entirety of an hour. He spoke with his parents to engage with her. For some reason his mother was hesitant but he filed it for later.

Veer sir comes on some days. He don’t go into her room or meet her, just ask Abhi or the nurse regarding her status and leaves. Abhi asked one day why he don’t visit her, to which he smiled sadly.

“I met her back when she was in her home town. It was once or twice- she hated every second of it, I could see it. After a while I stopped visiting, and soon she wont respond over calls as well. I think a lot about those meetings- maybe I should have recognized the signs. The isolation, the anxiety, the detachment, its classic signs aren’t they? I should have pushed. She just shut herself after the truth came out and somehow we all let her. That wasn’t healthy, and now . . . “

Abhi didn’t know how to show empathy beyond a hesitant touch over his hand. “My dad told me one thing when she was in hospital. It didn’t make sense before, but I understand now. it was not just you or me or Sapna aunty. We all have failed her somehow. But if we keep dwelling on who did what, this precious time will run out.” Veer nodded at that, “I will request you to please visit her the next time you come. The doctor also told the same thing.”

“I don’t want to trigger her.”

Abhi didn’t have the heart to tell these days she barely reacts other than backing into the corner of her bed.

“Abhi . . . I wanted to say something.” The older man said, wiping the tears from his eyes. “Send me the bills of her therapy sessions and whatever else medicines or doctor she needs.”

“That wont be necessary.”

“Just let me do this. I am barely doing anything as a father- couldn’t support her, couldn’t even keep her at my house. This is very less, please. I insist.”

Abhi nodded, giving a tight lipped smile at him.

Abhi walked up one day to find his dad reading a book in Sameera’s room, uttering the lines slowly in a low, gravelly voice as she rested next to him. She had dozed off, and he wasn’t sure if he should go closer- she looked very peaceful. Its been so long anyone of them had seen her like this.

He sat on the floor next to his dad, resting his chin on his knee. He didn’t break off- continued as if nothing happened. The only indication he had noticed his son was a repeated tap over his shoulder.

“Thank you, Dad.”

Suryakant slowly turned a page over. “You were away on a mission, and she called me Papa. I am her father, she gave that place to me. Things didn’t go that way for you two, but I will be her father. This is the bare minimum I could do.”

Abhi swallowed against the lump in his throat.

Conversation with Veer sir had a snowball effect, Abhi had thought to himself. One after another he had these emotionally charged conversation with the elders around, and all he could think if they had spoken to Sameera directly. If she could hear them and said something in return and somehow the scars on her hand vanished miraculously. He didn’t need those apology from them. He needs to apologize as well for a lot of things.

He found Sapna aunty sitting dejected on sofa very late at night. Abhi was hesitant- at his own anger, at her reaction what could be, but moved closer to her. It seemed like she needed someone near her, just to sit in silence.

In the lowlight, he saw tears streaming down her face.

It didn’t take very long for her to breakdown in sobs, as he rushed to soothe her. As she cried, Abhi found his own bitterness washing away- a broken mother trying to make sense of everything that’s happening. Everyone was hurting, they just need a breather, a way to start over and mend the broken pieces.

“I don’t know what to do- I have raised her single handedly. You know when she was this little, she would babble whatever she heard, whatever was in her heart to me. I was the first person in her life, she would call me the best person. When did this happen, Abhi? How did I lose that?”

“You didn’t.” He replied firmly, squeezing her hand.

“I did! Of course I did. She was in her room . . . not even 2 feet away. She kept herself shut in room and hurt herself because I had stopped all the lines of communication. that’s the only way she could express herself, the only way I would listen or look at her.” Sapna sniffled. “I was so cruel, so so cruel. You have no idea . . . you will hate me too. I was so angry, I couldn’t even look at her! I didn’t want her to become someone like me. didn’t want her to become alone, and look what I did? I made her all alone.” She cried harder. “How could I be so blinded in anger? She left you, left her job, and I didn’t even ask her why. I should have asked . . . she said sorry so many times. Sorry, sorry, sorry.”

Abhi cried with her too, giving himself a bit of respite before he composed himself. He became a pillar of strength for Sapna aunty, gave her water and wiped away her tears, soothing her with comforting words. He could see his mother arriving, standing hesitantly in the shadows.

“Sameera isn’t alone. She thought she was, we all handled it badly. But she isn’t. she has her strong mother, her father, me and my family. We will pull her out of darkness, she is a bit lost.”

“She wont even look at me!”

“I know, I know. She will. We will help her. We will.”

“When she was in coma, you had told me you will take care of her till the end.” Sapna gripped his hands tightly. “I have no right . . . I am desperate. Please, Abhi. Please. Save her. I beg you. I will repay with everything I have. I will sell the house.”

“Aunty . . . “

“I am so sorry she broke your heart. Your generosity, your kindness is abundant- you brought us in your home. Please abhi, somehow fix her. Bring back my daughter. I apologize on her behalf- she is in no condition. When she is better, she will apologize herself, until then,” she folded her hands. “we are sorry for everything. I am sorry for the failed relationship. Forgive us, if possible. Save her, please.”

“Sapnaji, please.” Smita moved closer, gently pushing her hands down. “You don’t have to. Of course we will help. So what the wedding didn’t happen? We are a family aren’t we? We all will be together until the kid is fine. I promise.”

After what felt like hours, Sapna retired to her room, still crying quietly. Abhi was exhausted himself, ready to spend another uncomfortable night on floor with his eyes shut- they were burning by now.

“Abhi?” His mother stopped him. “I . . . should apologize.”

“For what?” realizing, he sat next to her, “I think I should, Mom. When I brought Sameera home, I should have called you. It was very uncomfortable for you, was not it? But you let them in, treated them so well. Thank you so much for that. And I am sorry for not giving you heads up. I understand why you kept yourself away from them.”

She shook head, hesitating for a while. “You make it sound I am a saint or something.” When she looked up, there was unshed, angry tears. “I can’t sleep. The guilt is eating away.”

“Mom, whats wrong?” he brushed away her tears quickly, suddenly worried. “Whats wrong? Tell me. What happened?” what if he neglected his parents because of whatever going on. Dear god, please have some mercy.

So she started to tell, and with each words his grip loosened around her hands. By the time she was finished, he felt physically sick.

“Mom . . . why?”

“I was hurt. Angry. Blindsided. How dare she break everything? Break your heart? Break my heart? I begged- the only thing I didn’t do is fall on her feet. She kept saying sorry, but I didn’t want her apology. All I wanted her was to fix it, and get back with you. When I had nothing to say, I told her she will never be happy. I cursed her- oh my god! Now look, just look at everything that happened. I am a bad omen.”

“there is nothing like that Mom.”

“There is. When someone says something from heart, it goes out to universe. When I spoke those words, it came from the deepest part of my heart. She looked so shocked, you know? She didn’t expect it. I didn’t expect it.” Smita stared at nothing. “When I got the call from your father, I have been thinking since. And I realized for me, she was always a means to an end. A means for your happiness. She never existed as a living, breathing human like you. The first time you uttered her name, I saw you being so happy. So it became a fixation for me- if she comes to your life, everything will be alright. And it did- until it didn’t. Maybe that’s why it was so easy to erase her existence from our life. It was so easy for me to curse her, wish her unhappiness which I will never do for another person.” She turned to Abhi, “I hated her, Abhi. I wanted her to be unhappier than you and regret her decision, but never this. I had never, in my wildest dream, wanted this for her or even thought of that. You have to trust me on this.”

“I do.” He rubbed his face, agitated yet unable to say something worthy to soothe his mother. “I . . . don’t know what to say, Mom. This apology should be told to her.”

“I keep my distance for the both of us. She remembers, Abhi. I have seen the way her body reacts whenever she senses me. That kind of hurt don’t go away.” Pausing, she continued. “I wont claim that I am a saint. I see her and feel pity, and sometimes I feel whatever happened now is because of what she did then. I feel ashamed whenever I think like that. No wonder your Dad is so disappointed in me.”

“I thought that was for me.”

“That was for both of us. The way I reacted, the way you let her go. He didn’t say anything when I told him, you know. I just couldn’t hold it inside me, it wasn’t healthy for my sanity.”

“Mom.” Abhi sighed. “I know its difficult, for all of us, for many different reasons. But don’t held any ill wishes in your heart for her. Whatever she did back then- that was both of us. Even if I didn’t agree with it, even if I didn’t want it for us. But I was part of it. I wish I had made an effort to put up a united front, rather than letting her face all of your questions. I was blinded by anger too. There are days . . . “ He didn’t know how to say that, voice dropped to a whisper. “days where I wanted to erase her memory from my head. If I had a machine I would have done that. I wanted her to be unhappy too. I met her in her hometown, you know? I behaved so horribly. . . . maybe that was the last straw for her. A few days later she . . . “

Smita pulled him closer, burying her face in his shoulder as she wept.

“Don’t think bad of her, Mom. Don’t be angry at her, or wish for her unhappiness. Pray she gets better. Pray she starts to speak . . . I am starting to forget how she sounded like, you know? I . . . “

Abhi broke down in tears.

A new dawn arrived, and as Abhi felt the sunrays hit his face, he felt lighter than ever. Maybe a night of back and forth crying had eased his burden. There was a little bit of hope, and a lot of faith in universe. It will be alright, his inner voice spoke.

He turned to the bed and found it empty.

He looked in each corner of house, checked all the rooms and sprinted down the stairs to search for her- doctor’s omnious voice echoed in him regarding missing people which he desperately tried to shut down. And suddenly, his heart stopped. There she was, sitting in the garden. She was in the house, close to him. Everything was alright.

Abhi sighed in relief.

He walked upto her, making more sound than usual as to she don’t startle by his presence. She did flinch as he neared, but it wasn’t as bad as it usually is.

“May I sit?” she moved away, nodding slowly at him. “You weren’t in the room, I was worried.” He spoke gently, not trying to blame her. “If you want to go somewhere, you can let me or anyone know. Must be a bit boring staying in house and going to doctor, isn’t it? Maybe we can go for walks sometime?”

She nodded at that. Two affirmations in such a short time, and it elevated his mood for the entire day. Its scary how, after everything that happened, his happiness is still tied to hers.

And Abhi was always clear to himself that it wasn’t all about humanity.

Something shifted after that day- he didn’t know how or why. But it did for the betterment. Sameera would voluntarily go to doctor, participate in the sessions rather than fighting or staying silent. She joined everyone for lunch and dinner, reacted more to people and wrote on her notepad when she wanted to say something. She would even let Sapna aunty touch her, albeit still guarded. Her nightmares were in control, her anxiety with new people were reducing slowly. She looked better, the nurse had commented.

It was raining one day as they returned from one of her sessions- there was a rainy day which was tainted by his abonimal behavior and her tears, so Abhi decided to fix it somehow. Sameera was still, looking at the rain. She was always subdued, thoughtful after her sessions.

“I want you to know we are so proud of you.” He felt like he was going to cry. “So, so proud. You have come a long way. Your recovery is going amazing, you are responding to things so well. Thank you, Sameera. Thank you so much. You know what the doctor told today? A speech therapist will join you two soon. She thinks you are fit to have one now. You will start to speak soon. You will be better in no time.”

She nodded at his words, and her lips moved. Thank you.

The doctor had given a diary so that she can write down what was going through her head, and Sameera didn’t know what to write. Her mind was empty these days, just a constant buzz of noise with no direction. What people around her told, she did that.

“Maybe you can write about your day?” Abhi had suggested. He has seen her writing since then-but never went through the diary respecting her privacy. Maybe her doctor knows what she writes, and he hoped that will pave way for something positive. That’s what he wanted, wasn’t it? For her to share her heart with someone so that her pain lessens.

They goes for walk in evening, and he fills it with equal parts silence and words. He jogs, she walks slowly with her head bowed down, these days moving her lips more to the point he can read them just fine. He shares about his day without going into too much. She listens, sometime shares about her even though he knows about it. Shes spending time with his Dad these days, they read books and just be in their space.

He finished his run one day and caught upto her still frame, and found tears streaming down her face. “Whats wrong?” He cupped her face, wiping her tears away quickly, trying to gaze into her eyes which seemed lost in thought. Its been a while she had cried, and he wanted to know what triggered her in a short time. “Are you hurt? Did something happen? Whats wrong?”

She blinked, moved away shaking her head repeatedly, then hid her face behind her palms. This was an exercise the doctor suggested- take deep breathes until she felt fine, wipe her tears and chin up. Abhi never liked how she hid her face behind hands and forced herself to stop crying.

“You know, you can cry in front of me.” She looked at him, “you don’t have to hide.”

She nodded slowly at that, her lips moving. Thank you. I am sorry.

As Suryakant says, recovery is one step forward and hundred steps backward. He had his own ideas regarding miraculous recovery state of the kid, but he kept the cynical thoughts to himself. Of course, something had to happen to halt it.

Sapnaji had decided to have a sit down with Sameera. She was responding to her, and she had felt this was a right time to reveal regarding her and Veer’s relationship-the whys and hows. Abhi wasn’t agreeing with it, the timing was too fragile. But in the end, it wasn’t their decision to make.

The three of them sat in the living room and could hear every uncomfortable things going on in the next toom. Smita looked uneasy- it wasn’t really their business. But they also felt like they had to be outside, silently supporting the mother-daughter duo. A few times Abhi looked like he wanted to rush in, but Smita held onto him.

It was a struggle, from the one sided conversation felt like. This was the beginning of the end, Suryakant cant fault the kid to trying to run away from this, once again. But Sapnaji was adamant this time, he can only imagine how she must have kept Sameera closer so that she can force herself to listen.

“You have to face it! You have to listen to your Mother, Bacha. . . you cant run from this again. I didn’t hide it due to bad intention. i didn’t want to hurt you.”

There was a crash of something, and Abhi almost lept out of sofa. Smita’s fingers tightened around him. Suryakant felt his son’s anxiety all the way to the other side of room.

“You have to . . . you have to listen to me! I never wanted to hurt you. You kept running, you kept avoiding this . . . “

“Maybe we . . . “ Abhi mumbled.

“No.” Smita shook head. “This is what that started it all. Let it get out of their system.”

There were more struggles, and after a while Sapnaji kept yelling at a, what they presumed, volatile Sameera. Suryakant felt it was time to intervene- it was getting out of hand. The kid will be traumatized and shut down further. This conversation was supposed to happen during the presence of her doctor.

A scream broke out, and Abhi ran inside the room, his parents following behind.

Sameera was shaking, and screaming- raw, uncontrollable scream that tore out of chest and found a way to be out. Her entire frame was shaking as she towered over her mother- Sapnaji stood a bit far, shocked into silence. They had never seen Sameera like this, so unhinged, so much in pain.

Abhi put a hand over her mouth and she kept screaming against his hand. “You have to stop. You will hurt yourself. Please. Please . . . please sweetheart.”

Smita had taken hold of the other woman and rushed out, and the men attended to the screaming crying girl as she fell onto her knees, curling onto herself. After what seemed like a lifetime, she had stopped screaming, but her lips moved.

Suryakant knew what those meant.

Lies! Lies! Lies!

The nurse had said she screamed, that’s a good thing isn’t it? And Abhi didn’t know what to say to it. He was bone deep tired, everyone around him tired, the house was suffocating, without light somehow. The blooming hope inside him was crushed into tiny pieces- maybe hoping is wrong for him. He should just let things be.

He waited and dreaded Sameera’s waking up. What if she starts to scream again? He was worried that her vocal chords are permanently damaged and she will forever be non- verbal. What if she has new set of nightmares? What if she cries, or she don’t let anyone close to her once again? Just when she was starting to open up, this happens.

Abhi sometimes stares at Ganesha idol and seethes in anger. Why her? How much more? When it will end?

He watched her every movement like a hawk- silent, waiting, cautious. Her eyes opened, and she took her time to face the reality. There was a moment of panic, then her face became smooth. She got up slowly, looked around and found him, startled that she wasn’t alone in her room.

“You screamed.” He didn’t know why he said that. She was surprised, and tried to force it from her throat again. “Don’t.” He moved closed to sit next to her on bed. “Your throat must be hurting. We will see a doctor tomorrow just to be safe.”

She drank hot water, didn’t meet anyone’s eyes, had dinner and slept some more. And Abhi kept a watch- he waited for a breakdown, and maybe that was a wrong expectation. Maybe, like his mom said, it was truly out of her system.

The next day, Sameera faced Sapna aunty and didn’t flinch. Eye contact was minimal, but she tried. If a stranger could see them, they cant tell just yesterday these two were screaming at each other.

On the way to session, Sameera scribbled on a paper. I have to say sorry to Maa.

He didn’t know if she should. Maybe its time she stops saying sorry and all of them starts.

The doctor asked one day, “Who is Samrat?” and Abhi sighed. It had to come out one day- the huge elephant that is standing in the room, unaddressed, waiting to be freed. So he went to the doctor’s one day- it was off for Sameera, and revealed the tale.

“You must have seen the news, a few months back there was a hostage situation in nearby hospital? Two renowned terrorists, father son duo died in that. We were involved- me and Sameera and our team. It never came out . . . the son, Jahan, he was cheating all of us. He made an entire fake identity and was part of our team. He was a double agent, master puppeteer, a chameleon, you can call him whatever.”

“He was Samrat.”

“Yes.” He looked at her, “Did she mention him?”

“Did you read her diary?”

Abhi frowned at the odd question, shaking head. “It didn’t feel right. You gave her to write whatever she feels like, right?”

“Right.” She pulled the diary from table, turning a few pages. “At first, she wrote nothing. Then one word, then two. Now she writes paragraphs. I asked her regarding the self- harm attempt, what happened that day. She wrote.”

It seemed like she was going to read out loud, so Abhi stopped her. “Isn’t that violating patient doctor confidentiality?”

She smiled. “On the contrary, I think you should read this. You carry a lot of burden too, I can see it.”

“Its not about me.”

“That’s where you are wrong.” She offered the diary and he hesitated. “Be discreet.”

He took the diary, fingers lingering over the edges of page.

So Abhi made time- between his work, his free time, his off days, in his apartment which he didn’t visit since he brought Sameera home.