Chase the Truth
Karan looked as the fierce eyes of the idol looked back into his. Though for the world he was still Kiran, in his head he was Karan. He just wasn't brave enough to tell the world the truth. He stared at the idol, scary at first glance, reassuring at the second and wondered if he could take courage from the idol's quiet strength too.
The thing about temples is they make you feel at peace. No matter how chaotic your thoughts may be, they fill you with a sense of calm that you cannot understand but you know you need.
So he just sat there, letting the calmness wash over him. His thoughts, his anxiety, his gender dysmorphia all forgotten for a few minutes.
"Excuse me." An elderly person spoke behind him and he moved a little. They offered their prayers and then looked at Karan.
"You seem lost." Karan knew that, so he simply shrugged, surprised that the stranger should have read his inner chaos so well. He must have been more transparent than he realized.
"Are you like me?"
Karan shook his head. He didn't want to strike up a conversation with someone right now, he just needed to be by himself. But the stranger seemed in no mood to go about their way.
"When Arjun was on his exile, he met the Naga princess Ulupi, and married her. They had a child, Aravan."
They pointed to the idol towering over them. Karan knew this story, but let them speak. He couldn't tell them to buzz off, anyway, so the least he could do was just listen to them, or let their words fly by as he zoned out of the conversation, something he did every time his mother reminded him that he should behave like a girl.
"Before the war, someone with all good qualities had to be sacrificed at the altar. Only three people fit the bill. Arjuna and Krishna could not die, of course, so that left Aravan. A strange twist of fate, isn’t it? Aravan had never met his illustrious father and when he finally did, it was right before he offered himself up as a sacrifice for the greater good. But he had a dying wish. He had never known love, except a mother's love. Only she would weep for him, but he wanted more. A partner, a wife. How would they find a wife for Aravan in a day? Which woman would agree to be married for just a night and be widowed the next day since her husband would be sacrificed to the goddess of war?
But it was a dying wish for a noble cause, it had to be fulfilled. So Krishna took his Mohini form. Beautiful - so beautiful that she could hypnotize anyone who laid eyes on her. They married, and Aravan was sacrificed. His sacrifice goes unnoticed in the many tales of bravery and valour of the 18-day war. But there was one person who hadn't forgotten his sacrifice. Mohini wept for her husband like any wife would."
The stranger continued after a long pause.
"We are never alone, child. In the bigger plan of the universe, there is someone out there who will accept us for who we are, who will cry for our pain and take pleasure in our happiness. Some have it lucky, they fit into society's mould or what is ordained as 'normal' by mankind. It's easy for the world to love them. For some others, it's a struggle to find their own world of people who will love them unconditionally. But, for all of us, there is one person who will always love us. Him, God, Our Creator or whoever He is to you, if you believe in a supreme power, that is. He loves you. You just have to realize that you are never alone. Be brave and if things go wrong, you know you have someone in your corner, someone to hold you, to love you."
"I don't think I am brave enough. I just think this is all wrong and I don't have the courage in me to just face the truth, yet." said Karan dully, his heart aching with a sudden need that had overtaken his overwhelming need to be calm a few moments ago.
The stranger smiled.
"Child, just ask yourself - how can there be anything wrong in being who He meant you to be? How can being true to yourself be anything but right? Where's the shame in that? The shame is only that we need to be brave to embrace who we all are deep within. Openly. Fully. The world is shameful for making us feel that we have to hide our identity. What comes easily to others is an act of bravery for us. But no matter. God made us this way because He knows we have the strength to fight. To conquer. To embrace. To forgive. And above all, to love. Even those who hurt us."
Karan's lips wobbled as his eyes brimmed over. His words spilled out with a gasp as he fought to inhale.
"I.. this fight.. it's too much. Too huge. I'm only a small person. How.. why..me?" He choked.
"Because you were chosen. All those who are 'different' are chosen. Because we have that inner courage that we need to survive. You have something to fight for, fight against, fight with. Think of this as the last fight you will fight. Think of Aravan and his bravery in giving up his life for a mighty cause. Think of the Lord's compassion in granting him his last wish. Think of everyone you love and those who love you. Think of what you have to lose and what you will gain. Think of Him or anything that's sacred to you. Then dive in, heedless of the world, of propriety, of pain. Chase the Truth. Everything you have ever believed in will be tested, but you will emerge stronger than before."
The stranger placed a hand on his shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. Then a beatific smile came over their face and Karan was conscious of a sudden aura around the stranger. They seemed to be glowing, there was a hot blaze emanating from them and Karan stepped back, flinching as if scalded. It was over in a matter of seconds which had Karan wondering if his mind was playing tricks on him. Had that really happened?
The stranger began to walk away and Karan was seized by a sudden need to prolong this chance meeting.
"Wait. How can I find you again? I.. I do you belong to the community? What's your name? What if I need help or advise? I can't do this alone!"
The stranger turned around. "Yes you can," he said calmly and walked away.
Karan stood there, transfixed. He had no idea what had happened but he was filled with some sort of pulsating energy that surged through him. He was also conscious of a sense of calm, of purpose and yes, courage within him. He almost did not recognize the feeling because he had spent so long being scared, being agitated, being aimless.
Aravan's story was one of love, sacrifice and acceptance. He would take inspiration from it.
His journey back home was filled with dread, but his new-found confidence slowly made its way through and shadowed the fear. When he got home, he pulled his husband aside to speak to him. He had to be brave, for him, for them. He didn't know where their life would go from here, he knew that he was breaking his heart, their marriage, but he had to do this. Whatever happened next was fate's decision, but whatever happened now was his choice. He was chasing the truth.
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