Motherhood
The cluster was around Kala, who was cooing at her newborn son. She was tired- they all were, sharing her fatigue from about eight hours of labour.
The boy was healthy, with hair like his German father and brown eyes like his mother, though Rajan insisted that he would look different as he grew up. It wasn't spiteful cribbing, just good-natured bickering between the two men who were in love with the same woman.
As everyone started going about their business, Nomi stuck around. She knew that she wasn't needed - the two men and Kala's family were there to help - but she couldn't tear her eyes away from the baby. A dull ache made its way into her heart. Kala must have sensed it because she looked at her questioningly. Nomi shook her head.
She and Amanita hadn't considered kids, they were happy in their small world. The cluster was now moving on in their lives, each in their own world, yet, they were always bonded together, by mind, by soul. So they all had experienced Kala's pregnancy. In a way, Nomi was a mother already, but she knew that wasn't enough. She wanted more.
There were options, she knew that too. Adoption or surrogacy. Lito had even offered to be the father once, as a drunken joke. But she knew she could never be a mother, in the right sense. She hadn’t spoken to Nita about any of this, but she knew the pain wasn’t just wanting to be a mother. It was also that she could never carry their child.
If someone heard her thoughts now, they would laugh. She had never done anything in the right way but wanted motherhood in the right way. She was born a boy, rebelled against her parents for not accepting her by making her career in computers instead of becoming a lawyer like her father and sister Taegan, then had gone through the transition to become a woman and then married a pansexual women. Maybe it was the society's conditioning or her hormones, or Kala's fatigue and motherly instincts that she was sharing, but whatever it was, she felt ashamed of her own thoughts. She went back to her cozy apartment in L.A, snuggling in with Amanita, who hugged her back, not knowing what bothered her, but happy to be there for her wife.
"I feel it too." She jumped and turned to look at Riley. She was in her apartment with Chicago.
"Every time Kala's baby kicked, I thought of him, Lúna. I wish I could go back and save him."
"I am sorry, I shouldn't have thought about it."
"No, come on, we are here to talk about you." Riley smiled gently and Nomi laughed.
"I don't know, ever since Teagan announced her pregnancy, I felt like I want to be a mother, and I know Amanita will come around too if I convince her, but I had wondered what it would be like to carry a child. And sharing Kala's contraction was no party, but the feeling isn't going away. I am not proud of it, to be honest, being jealous of her or Taegan, but it's looming, and I don't know what to do."
"Just love the kids like your own. We, of all people, know what it's like to have a family that is made of love, it will be easy for us. I cannot answer your question, because I need the answer too, so I just tell myself that those kids are our kids, both, Kala's son and Teegan's daughter, maybe not in every sense, but some of it. Perhaps we weren't mothers to Kala's son, not in the truest way, but we are still sort of surrogate mothers to him, aren't we? We 'bore' him along with Kala, we even felt him moving inside us, and felt every kick, endured the morning sickness, the food cravings, the labour pain. That should be enough for now. And one day, maybe we too will be able to become mothers, in every sense."
Nomi looked at her and nodded. It wasn't the best advice, but it was probably enough for now.
"He is so lucky, isn't he?" Kala approached them. She was tired, they could feel her fatigue in their bones, but she looked happy.
"He has the love of four mothers and five fathers, though Sun has made it clear that the second she hears him cry, she is out." Kala kissed her son's forehead and looked at Nomi.
"I don't know what I was thinking, I am sorry."
Kala shook her head kindly.
"And please don't get pregnant again, I don't think I can handle it," she said, jokingly, but they could sense that her heart wasn't in it.
"Duly noted. I am keeping the men away from me for another two eternities, at least." Kala chuckled.
"Motherhood is great and everything, but my boobs hurt!" Lito cried as he approached them and the two women chuckled. Sharing a woman's body seemed to never be easy for Lito.
"I will never ever underestimate a woman again! Menstrual cramps got nothing on this, you guys!" groaned Lito, pressing his palms against his chest as the women rolled their eyes. Lito walked away holding his chest and Kala vanished off to her hungry son. Riley lingered.
"Conventional biology is just wasted on us sensates, right?" she smiled, and Nomi smiled back wryly.
Riley's voice softened. "Being a woman had nothing to do with getting pregnant or menstruating. You do know that, right? So many 'women' have fertility problems and issues with their tubes and ovaries that prevents them from ever conceiving. Still others choose not to have children. Does that make them any less of a woman? Your womanhood is not tied to motherhood, Nomi!"
Nomi felt tears pricking her eyes. She nodded, her throat suddenly tight, words coming with great difficulty.
"Perhaps I should have thought my transition through. Perhaps I should have banked my sperm or something. That way, Nita could have gotten pregnant and we could have had our own biological child. Why do I feel like this? Like I'm incomplete? I hate it!"
She was suddenly angry. Why was nothing easy for people like her?
She felt Riley's soft touch squeezing her shoulder.
"Nomi, you know we felt it. Kala's pregnancy. Every minute of it. It helped me heal from losing Lúna in a way. I felt like I've brought a child into the world and this time, I've kept him safe. Alive. But it's different for you, I understand, it's like having a child and not having one at the same time."
Just then, she heard Nita whisper sleepily behind her.
"Babe, who are you talking to?"
Then she stopped, her eyes widening in distress and rushed over to Nomi the moment she caught a glimpse of her tear-stained face.
"Ohh, honey, oh sweets, don't cry! Whatever is upsetting you, we got this. Together."
"It's so stupid! Sometimes I keep wondering if you realize you can do better and leave me." Nomi whispered as her confused wife hugged her.
After she calmed down, Amanita broke the huh and studied her face. Realisation dawned on her and her arms tightened around Nomi and she said fiercely, "I will never let you go. Never! You hear that? I'm going to take Lito up on his offer, whether the idiot meant it or not. He can be the sperm donor and I will be the egg and womb donor. Or even better, Hernando can be the sperm donor. He's a beautiful ba**ard! Together we'll create the most gorgeous child. I promise you, you will experience every minute of our pregnancy. You will be a mother one way or another!"
Nomi felt her insecurities wash away in a flood of love and warmth. Nita could always sense what she was feeling. It was not a sensate connection but it was something just as deep. Love. She enveloped Nita in a bone-crushingly tight embrace. They swayed like that for a few seconds until Nita's voice broke the silence.
"I have a feeling we're going to be next to announce our pregnancy, if we're not beaten by Sun!"
"It's not a race, babe!" said Nomi with fake exasperation.
Amanita's eyes gleamed purposefully. "Oh yes, it is!"
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