A Tale Of A Withered Past

A Tale Of A Withered Past 

If you are asked, how does it feel when you hold ice in your fist for too long, what will be your answer? Numbness perhaps? But what about that tingling sensation of warm blood flowing to your fingertips which comes with a sense of relief once you let go? As I watched the kids in the neighborhood building a snowman, I realized I had been doing the same. I held on to a distant past for so long that I forgot I still had a bright future awaiting me. 

I always loved snowfall. Back when I was a kid, I used to get all excited at the mere mention of a trip to Manali or any other place where I got to play with snow. Funny that even as an adult, my fascination for the same hadn’t lessened a bit. I used to nag Neel about relocating to Quebec every time we discussed settling in Canada post our marriage. I don't know why but my lips curved into a wry smile recalling our moments together.

Neel! Had I ever imagined one such day would come when I wouldn’t feel any emotion hearing his name? No pain, no regret, no anger - nothing! But that’s the fact, time heals the deepest of wounds and you get on with your life. Acceptance settles in as you learn to live without the very people who once used to be the center of your universe. Unfortunately, there’s another side to reality - at times memories come flooding back and you find yourself stuck in the same loop of regret, asking yourself what could you have done differently.

I still remember the day when I saw Kaju in Neel’s arms for the first time. Yes, we were in a hospital and she was gravely injured but the longing I saw in her eyes made me forget everything else. Who knew that spark of insecurity was about to destroy my entire world? Between the two of us, Neel was the emotional one while I was the realist. I could anticipate the eventual change in their dynamic considering his high regard for her. What I didn’t realize was I mistook his clarity as his naivety whereas my so-called practicality gave others the means to manipulate our situation to their advantage. 

I did several things which were morally questionable, in fact, despicable at certain points. Yet, I stand by those decisions for that was my way of fighting for my love. Nevertheless, my only regret is that I failed to see through Bhoomi’s deception. To be completely honest, I don’t even blame her. It’s not like she was very smart or secretive about her agenda. When I think about it, since the moment we met, all she could talk about was how shrewd Kaju was or how much she hated her, specially after the revelation of Kaju being her cousin. If only I had taken a moment and stopped victimizing myself!

Neither Kaju nor Bhoomi was responsible for what happened to me. It is said people often invite misfortune by trying too hard to avoid it. I did the same mistake. Instead of working on our relationship, I focused on eliminating Kaju from Neel’s life. My disdain for her blinded me to the extent that I didn’t even realize when I turned into this vindictive person, losing every bit of love and respect Neel had for me once upon a time. 

I know it doesn’t matter anymore but sometimes I wonder if I had stopped Neel from going to Uttarakhand that day, would we have ended up together? Apart from his playful personality, it was his compassion and sensitivity that attracted me in the first place. But when he called me and said he might have to do the unthinkable to save Kaju’s life, I became speechless. 

The earnestness in his voice bore testimony to his commitment to me. However, his determination to rescue her was far more evident. I am certain that even if I had forbidden him, he would have gone there anyway. He was a man of his word and no one had the power over him to change his decision. But let's just assume he did stay back. I knew his growing resentment toward me for forcing him to abandon his friend would ultimately end our relationship. 

Neel would often tell me Kaju understood him in a way no one else did. It hurt. Listening to your boyfriend appreciating another girl isn’t easy for anyone. But I get it now. It doesn’t make any difference whether she’s as conniving as I made her up in my mind or as pure as Neel perceives her to be. Her unwavering faith in him stood the test of time over and over again, forcing me to accept that the love they shared was far greater than anything I had ever known.

It's not that I have suddenly developed a soft corner for Kaju or forgiven Neel for his betrayal. They have wronged me and that’s never gonna change. However, I can’t deny my own actions worked as the catalyst for our failed relationship. And maybe Neel and I were never meant to be together. Otherwise, how do you explain him still waiting for Kaju when all I got was his indignation? 

I would be lying if I said their separation didn’t mean anything to me because it did. For quite some time I reveled in their agony until I realized I was simply deluding myself. Together or apart, they were one and nothing could change that. At the end of the day, it was me who was suffering, deserted, and alone for I chose to dwell in a fantasy that had withered away a long time ago.

But not anymore. It was time for me to move on, to break free from the shackles tying me to my past, and rediscover myself. With a smile on my face, I wiped my tears and approached the kids, "Hello there! Can I join you guys?"

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