In Another Life

In Another Life

“All set?” Neel turned his gaze away from his camera and smiled at Jaydeep. “Do you really have to go back? I mean, stay until…” “It’s not that early Papa. I came before Dussehra and now returning after celebrating Diwali. I think the more appropriate question would have been whether I’m still employed or my boss has already fired me?” “Yeah? And who’s capable enough to fill your shoes?” “That’s also true,” Neel said confidently, “However, that doesn’t give me a license to be negligent. Winter is about to start and I need to capture the magic of it. The first sight of snow in the valleys! It’ll be majestic!”

He came near Jaydeep and hugged him smilingly. “Just two more weeks. Once the assignment is completed...” “You'll find another one so that you get to be near Uttarakhand.” An awkward silence filled the room as both father and son found themselves at a loss for words. “Let me help you.” Jaydeep started to pack another bag when his eyes fell on Neel's Laptop. It had one of Kajal's photos as the wallpaper. Unknowingly he let out a sigh, prompting Neel to look in his direction. “Sorry about that.” He closed the lid immediately and looked away.

Jaydeep looked at him intently but said nothing. Just when he was about to leave the room Neel called him from behind, “Papa!” “Yes.” “I am really sorry!” As Jaydeep turned around, he found Neel sitting, lowering his head. “I know you are hurt by my decision but I have no other choice. Just as it's impossible for me to stay away from you, I can't separate myself from her either. If it's possible, please forgive me.” “I was never upset with you Neel. You should know,  I...” overwhelmed, Jaydeep left the room immediately before Neel could see his tears. 

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I still remember the day when I held Neel in my arms for the first time. After seven years of marriage when both Sonya and I gave up the hope of having a child, God blessed us with our little bundle of joy. Everyone in our family was ecstatic - my parents, Rajat Bhai, Nutan Bhabhi; even Pari was jumping in excitement having gotten another baby brother to play with. But I just stood there, bewildered, until a nurse came out and put him in my lap. 

As I looked at his face, I felt like someone had knocked the breath out of me. A tiny little human being was sleeping in my arms! And suddenly he opened his eyes, smiling as if he felt amused at my perplexity. In that moment, my life changed. I realized I had never loved anybody as much as I loved my kid. That day, I made a promise to myself, to always be there for him, to protect him from harm’s way and fill his life with love. Ironic that it’s because of my cognizant decisions today my son is living such a miserable life.

I’ve always wondered how Neel turned out to be so vastly different from me. While the thought of others exploiting his goodness kept me up at nights, I'd be lying if I said it didn't give me immense pleasure to watch him following his heart and lifting others' spirit along the way. Who knows? Maybe it's my own evil eyes that caught my son's happiness. Otherwise, how could I become the reason of his destruction?

At the very beginning of my career, I got to fight a case against a notorious criminal. Like any other enthusiastic newbie, I was focused on upholding the law and punishing the culprit. But my mentor would often laugh and say justice is highly subjective. He who is guilty in my opinion might deem himself as the savior of his story. No one could ever completely comprehend his situation or what made him take those steps. I understand it now. This entire catastrophe might not even occur had only I listened to Neel's plea that day.

He kept telling repeatedly, how all he wanted was to safeguard Kaju and ensure that she got a chance at a dignified life on her own. But all I saw was an opportunist trying to get benefitted from his naivety. I was so focused on “SAVING” my boy that it didn’t occur even occur to me to which level I had stooped when I joined hands with that wretched Phool Singh. Now when I think about it, maybe Neel and Kaju would have gone their separate ways if I hadn't put so much pressure on him back then. But then again, would it really be better for him?

I have seen what happened to Dhruv and Bhoomi's marriage. Status, education, money - everything loses its value when you start feeling suffocated by your partner. Yes, I can't deny Pavitra had been wronged. Instead of helping our kids in sorting their problems, we created a situation that further complicated their lives. If she wanted revenge, she had every reason for it. Not to mention the way Bhoomi manipulated her. But a person who blurs the line separating love from insanity so easily and gives in to vengeance, how suitable is she as a life partner?  

Had time not tested Kaju’s patience enough? Yet, she chose to stand by Neel when he was at his worst and left believing he would be better off without her. I know accepting my sins wouldn’t make any difference now. The damage has already been done and three lives have been destroyed for the sake of our fake aristocracy. Perhaps this is my punishment for putting Kaju through hell that now I stand to witness Neel’s suffering. But if I have done even a single good deed my entire life, I beg to God for sparing him this agony and reunite him with the one he's pining for... 

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I was the type of person who never regretted any of his decisions. I always felt being self-aware is important but when you start getting too critical about your choices, negativity seeps in, leading to more disasters. I wish someone had told my younger self that remorse doesn’t necessarily translate into cursing your fate and drowning in misery. Sometimes accepting your fate may be your only way forward. Trouble is, that acknowledgment itself is a reminder of how horribly you have let others down and it's a burden you are fated to carry till your end. 

If only I could delude my parents with my fake smile the same way I have convinced others! At times I wish… I genuinely wish I could get back to being the old Neel just for their sake. But I’m helpless. I lost myself the day Kaju left me and moving on without her is like expecting someone to live without breathing. Breathing! I couldn't help but chuckle. Wouldn't it have been great if I had listened to her mother and stopped bothering her? Everything that happened after our Gangotri trip could have been avoided and she might actually be happy.

I know the mere thought of such is an insult to the girl who sacrificed her everything for me. Yet, every time I close my eyes, I find myself stuck at the same juncture, asking myself, why did she fall in love with me in the first place? I doubt there’s much difference between me and Phool Singh. We both loved her on our own terms and made her life miserable. At least with him by her side, she would have a respectable life in society. Whereas all I have ever given her is heartbreak and humiliation. And still, she stood by me through thick and thin until I destroyed her from within. 

Tears stung my eyes as I recalled our last meeting. When Dev Sir dragged me out of her house it wasn’t just me whose heart was broken. I might be the one yearning to be held in her embrace but she suffered even more seeing me in that condition. If she wanted, she could easily hold my hand and reclaim what was rightfully hers. Instead, she chose solitude and let go of me, believing my happiness laid somewhere else. And what did I do? I could not even assuage her fear and make her confident in our relationship just as I had failed Pavitra. 

A bit anticlimactic, isn’t it? That I feel guilty for hurting the supposed villain of my tale. But now that I have been separated from my love, I understand Pavitra’s perspective more clearly. Had she had the slightest idea about how she was degrading herself in her stubbornness, I’m sure she wouldn’t have gone down the path of destruction. Nonetheless, it hurts when I think about her descent into madness. It was way too convenient for me to pin the blame for our failed relationship on her. But was she solely responsible? Didn’t I falter enough to sow the first seed of doubt in her mind? What would have I done if the situation was reversed? 

They say your partner is like a mirror who reflects your true personality. I don’t know if it was the situation, my lack of clarity, or divine intervention that I found my soulmate in Kaju. What I do know is I committed a lot of mistakes when Pavitra and I were together that weren’t repeated in my marriage. However, if you ask me, I’d say it was because of the kind of faith Kaju had in me that enkindled me to live up to her devotion. It’s simply unfortunate that Pavitra and I never had that sort of understanding between us. She mirrored my stubbornness with her insecurity, while I grew more distant due to her constant need for reassurance and never-ending ultimatums that eventually broke us apart. 

Before she left India, I saw her at an old friend’s wedding. She seemed happy. When I looked into her eyes, I saw glimpses of the old Pavitra - sweet, funny, lost in her own world! It took me back to that moment when I had first told her about Kaju. She was shocked, scared; the fear of an uncertain future overwhelmed her conscience. Yet, she chose humanity over everything. She said she trusted me and urged me to save Kaju’s life no matter what. 

For a moment there I wanted to hug her and express my heartfelt gratitude. I wanted to apologize for taking her for granted. But then I took my steps back. When you are young and get into a relationship, you feel like it’s gonna last forever. While the truth is in reality, first love, no matter how special it is often serves as a learning experience that makes you aware of your shortcomings, and helps you become the better version of yourself.   

I know that now because I got to see an entirely different side of myself, thriving in the serenity Kaju brought into my life. And if hating me helps Pavitra achieve that, if she finally gets to move on from our bitter past and find someone who’ll love her for who she is and always put her first, I’m fine with being the bad guy in her story. Who knows? Perhaps that’s my role in the grand scheme. Neel Khurana might just be a catalyst for Kajal Bhatt and Pavitra Bhalla’s self-discovery and nothing else. 

My train of thought came to a halt when I heard my alarm ringing. It was time for me to return to the valleys. I still remember Kaju’s horrified face when I told her jokingly that I wanted to breathe my last in the lap of mother nature. The way things are going, my wish might actually come true someday.

I can imagine… lying on the limitless white with a curtain of snowflakes covering my entire frame! Wouldn’t it be great if Kaju found me that day by some miracle? At least I’d get to close my eyes with her pictures in them. It sounds almost poetic that my frozen heart would finally beat one last time before the warmth leaves my body.

I laughed at my thought and picked up my backpack. Me and my selfish thoughts! Even if I was rewarded with her presence in my final moments, my death would be the beginning of her destruction. Her guilt of deserting me will devour her and I can’t let that happen. I can’t attain my salvation at her expense.

It doesn’t matter whether our paths cross again or not. The fact that I was loved by Kajal would be enough for me. Nevertheless, if I were granted a wish, I would ask for another life where my foolishness wouldn’t eclipse her happiness, where our devotion wouldn’t be measured against the backdrop of our social status, a world where the sky will finally meet the earth…

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