CHAPTER 20
Part I
Her oblivious darkness
Kashish worked like an automaton, a crazy robot. No rest, no emotion, no will. Her team would set up camps in different rural areas for 5 days…. In these 5 days they wud try and give as much medical aid as possible. Although k was no regular doc., she could manage minor complains of various ache's, but she was basically doing the job of head nurse, most of the times-managing patients, helping them in and out of camp, keeping inventory, giving injections and medications… She took every meager job, every task available to keep her busy. If any help was needed anywhere with anything k would be the first one to volunteer. She impressed her senior's by her silent, passionate, dedicated work….. And tried to work herself to death so that she could forget all the memories.. Painful ones and sweet ones…. To be so tiered at the end of the day that she cud fall into deep dreamless slumber as soon as her head touched the pillow…
Unfortunately things didn't work out as she wanted them to… Often while doing some clerical work she wud start daydreaming… Sometimes sleep wud still elude her and most of the times sweet dreams would haunt her…..
Jake –I need to talk to u.
K –I'm busy….
J –Doing what? Making beds? That job is for volunteers. Not doctors.
Jake took the bundle of soiled sheets from K's hand and dumped them on the floor. He made her sit on the bare cot and sat beside her…
K –I did volunteer for this job but.
J –Then maybe, I need to remind u that u r a doc. and neither u should be volunteering nor doing this job.
K –There is nothing degrading in making beds. Now please don't bother me any more, I have a lot of work to do.
K gets up to leave.
J –What work? Next thing I know you'll be cleaning pots and pans. Jeez Kash get a grip!! U can't work urself to forget some1.
Pulling k down back.
K (angrily) –I'm not trying to forget any1!!! Don't interfere in my life!!
K again tried to get away from Jake's grip. But he was determined to give her a piece of his mind today. K had become too thin and listless to continue looking healthy…
J –Yah! Well u can shout all u want at me. But I'm ur friend. I got u in this trouble, I'll get u out of it.
K –What?
J –Well all this. This overworking, zero figure dieting… It's all coz of that Piyush. Isn't it? I knew he was not a nice guy. I should have never helped u go out with him. And now when it's not working out and u r doing this to urself-
K –SHUT UP!!!
K got up with a jerk, red faced. You have no idea whom I am trying to forget!!!! Please don't remind me more of him… please…. Everything.. Every darn thing reminds me of him… Even that stupid lawyer reminds me of him… Of Sujal…
Jake looked at K slightly astonished.. He hadn't expected her to get so angry.. Poor Kash she really must have fallen hard for this idiot Piyush.. Can't he see! He'll never find a better girl than her..
J –You have to face the truth Kash.. U can't keep running from it… He doesn't deserve u-
K –Shut up!! Shut up!! Just shut UP! U don't know anything! Ok?!! So just back off and leave me alone!
J –Ok. Fine let's just say I don't know anything, but it doesn't mean that I'm gonna a silent bystander and watch u digging ur own grave. What hell has happened to u? Huh? Has some1 become so imp to u that u are ready to give up ur identity, urself for him? Does he really deserve all this?
K (small whisper) –No…
J –Well then?
K looked up at Jake tearfully. All the pain and the tears which had locked away came rushing back to her now… kashish threw up her hands and hid her face behind them. I won't let anyone see me cry.. no one. Ever.
K –Well what?(looking up from behind her hands, brushing away the tears) What do u want me to do? What do u think I' trying to do?
J –I just want u to take care of urself while doing whatever u want to do. I know ur trying to forget him Kash…
K –Well it ain't so easy. Ok? It's not like I wud die.
J –I hope u wont. But at the rate u are going, I won't rule out that possibility completely.
K –I am not stupid- I know how much I can take.
J –Is that why u almost fainted in the morning? Or is this why u haven't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon?
K – I am not starving myself deliberately. I just didn't get time. There were a lot of imp. things to do.
J –Like making bed for thankless people? Like cleaning all the equipments and disposing syringes so that the person assigned this job can go talk to her boyfriend?
K –U don't understand.
J –Make me.
Jake pulled k in a bear hug. And gently stroked her rigid back to relax her.
J –I care too much about u to watch u torture ur mind and body like this.
K –I am not torturing myself.
Giving herself up, k relaxed her body and hid her face in Jake's shoulder
J –I find that statement hard to believe Kash….
K –Why? Why do u care so much and he doesn't even damn…..
J pulled k tighter and gave an ironic smile
J –Coz that's the way life sometimes is… We don't always get what or who we want. We just have to make do with the little bit of that thing or person's time we get…
K –Why? Why can't we get the thing or the person we want? If I'm good enough for him, then why can't I?
J –Coz if every1 were granted their wish our lives wud be too boring and monotonous.. Besides if 2 people go after a same person then how is it possible for both of them to have her?
K –But there is no other girl!!! I don't understand the reason for his frigid and boiling behavior.
J –Look! Enough about that slug ok!? U may be good enough for him. But he ain't! U got that?
Jake pulled her away and looked straight in K's eyes. Looking stern as a principal.
J –Get this inside ur head Kash. It's over b/w u two. Now it doesn't matter 'Why'. Just forget about him ok! By moping around after him wud only inflated his already bloated ego. He doesn't deserve a girl as good as u. He doesn't even deserve ur discarded surgical gloves.
K – U are right.
J –Good. Now. U are going to eat and sleep properly. Start socializing a bit and stop doing everybody's job. People are beginning to confuse u for a jinni… They wud clap their hands, u wud appear. They wud put forward their silly demands and u like a faithful, devoted servant wud immediately go to work to please ur pig headed masters.
K –Sorry..
J –Sorry doesn't cut it young lady. Now when was the last time u talked home?
K –15 days..
J –What?! U are coming with me and calling them right now!
***
K went to STD booth and slowly forced her fingers to dial her dad's number. Since K had thrown her cell in the aquarium in the angry fit, she had been totally disconnected from every1 back home and this the way she was liking it. She didn't want to hear any excuses. They wud only weaken her resolve to get over him and fill herself with hatred for him.
K –Hello? Dad?
A –KASHISH!!! Is it really u?? Where have u been ? Why didn't u call earlier? Are u all right? U are not in any danger are u ?
K –No dad. Relax. I'm fine.. I.. We..There were no phones around(becoming quite good at lying).. These are really backward villages' dad… How are u dad? How's every1?
A –I am fine beta. Kashish can u come back home sooner?
K –How soon? Why?
A –As soon as possible actually. I can get ticket booked for 2mmrow, if u can get away..
K –Tomorrow??(slightly alarmed) What's the matter dad?
A –Oh nothing…. everything is fine… It's just… Umm u see the night u were supposed to go with Sujal.. He-
K –Dad! Please! I don't want to hear anything. I don't want to hear his name.
A –But u don't understand-
K –Don't YOU get IT??!! I don't Want to understand!! I HATE HIM!!!
A –Kashish! Don't talk like thi-
K –I'll talk in whatever way I want dad and it's better that u understand it. I have to go now.
A –Arre beta(hey kid) suno toh!(just listen!)
K –Bye!
K slammed the ph. before her Ashoke could say another word and ran to her tent. I am not- I will not hear his name or anything related to him. I will not over his thoughts. For me he is as good as Dead!
***
Kashish continued with her vigorous working streak, only now and then she wud take a break when she wud catch Jake glaring at her or when he wud manually force her to take a few hours break and get some food in her body. After almost a month a rigid hard work, less than 4 hr. sleep per day and even lesser amount of food Kashish unwillingly ended up looking like a gorgeous, fragile ramp supermodel- too Thin, Pale, Haughty, Disdainful and extremely Cold.
***
For the last time Kashish tried to relax her body and fall asleep. Tonight they were going back home. The tension in her nerves had nothing to do with the uncomfortable bus seats.
"Would u fall asleep please?"
K opened her eyes and saw Jake frowning at her. K instantly felt guilty for bothering him. He had been such a dear, understanding friend for the last month- giving her enough space and yet managing to save her from total collapse.. Now I won't even let him get a little rest. I am so shameless…
"Now don't u go on and dare to feel guilty for awakening me. These seats are made of stone anyway. But I guess that's not what's keeping you awake.. Right?"
K closed her eyes and nodded her head exhaling a long sigh.
"I don't know if wud be able to keep strong.. I don't know if I cud still look at him and keep my cool. Moreover I don't even if I cud even look at him…"
Jake placed his arm over K's shoulder and pulled her close to make her rest by his side.
"Hey…. Don't worry.. You'll do just fine. You're a strong girl Kash. U can do everything u want to. I am sure he is just a phase, whose time has now come to an end…"
K –God I hope u r right. Coz I wud have nowhere to run again if it doesn't work out… I have decided that I wud not look at him and talk to him. I'll say no more than- morning, afternoon, evening, night and bye to him. It wud work right? I mean he really doesn't want me around so…. He wud have no prob with minimal talk. I mean I have done this before and he had made my life hell…. U think he'll accept it this time? Should I try something else?
J –I think it ought to work this time Kash. Any guy can't be that thick. And if it doesn't I wud happily break his hollow bones and gnash his face-
K –NO!
J –huh?
K –Ah… OH God!!!!!!(Hiding her face) I can't believe I told u not to hurt him coz I can't imagine him getting hurt…. I am still hopeless!!! I can't go back!!! Jake I have to get off the bus. I am not ready as yet. Please u have to help me get away. Let's run away please. Don't let me go back-
J –Kashish!! Stop!! U r being hysterical. It's ok if u care about him not getting hurt. U r basically a non-violent person… I mean leaving ur job aside I don't think u can bear seeing anyone bleeding or getting hurt right?
K –Umm (looking extremely doubtful) I guess u r right…
Hadn't I imagined him getting torn apart by pirahnah, falling off cliffs, getting stabbed by some convict or by me….why the hell can't I see him getting hurt now? That's right! That's what I need to do now. Tonight I'll imagine him getting hurt in every possible way, till the time I fall asleep. So that when I reach home tomorrow I'll not be a complete wreck.
K –Thanks Jake. U r the best. Trust me if I ever need anyone thrashed you'll be the first person I'll call.
K smiled at Jake and closed her eyes, finding little comfort in his arms…
************
Sujal lay in his bed surrounded by dark unable to fall asleep. Technically sleep should be coming easily to him since this is the way he preferred sleeping- In pitch black darkness…. And yet since….. Sujal turned around and fluffed his pillow trying to find a comfortable spot. Keeping awake and contemplating about tomorrow was not going to help coz there was nothing to contemplate about.
What the hell am I trying to accomplish by keeping awake and thinking about her. So what if she is coming back tomorrow? This is where she lives, she WAS going to came back one day. I can't keep avoiding her… confronting her. GOD!!!!!! How I wish I don't have to meet her tomorrow. How can I face her? How am I ever gonna stand… being... incapable of… unable to… ever…..
A big lump formed in Sujal's throat. He dug his face in the pillow. Even alone in his room tonight, he can't allow himself to fall apart. He can't allow himself to be weak now…. he had held his head high through everything and he was not going to bow now!
No! I was never a sissy and I am not gonna start being one now just for her sake. So what if she's coming tomorrow? What can I do? I probably won't even have to meet her tomorrow… She wud be darn tired in the evening when she arrives and as usual I won't be having dinner with everyone soo… So What?!! Another voice in Sujal's mind exploded Am I being happy that I get one more day before I have to explain things to her? I am worse than chicken poop…
Sujal ran a frustrated hand through his hair for the nth time in the last 8 hrs that he had been trying to fall asleep in. He was tired of thinking the same thing over and over again. About kashish. What he was going to say to her. how he was going to meet her. what should he wear. Where he should meet her. How he wud react to her. how she wud react to him. Her face, her voice, her silken-slippery hair, her acid tongue, her cute crinkling nose….. Everything about her. Sujal knew his life was doomed. But tonight it felt like his life was doomed to the lowest, painful and darkest level of hell, now that kashish was coming back.
Why am I so worried. It's not like she would care…. Yah that's right if she had cared even a little.. she would have come back sooner. She didn't even call once…. Maybe that's what I am most…. She is indifferent. So should I be. So should I learn to be-indifferent to her, as she is towards me.
Sujal finally decided to get out of his bed and his room.
I should just as well go out and feel the clean, morning air, the clock has already struck 6 times since midnight. Perhaps that might inspire me to feel a bit stronger and give me enough courage to face her.
Sujal softly walked to the kitchen his steps silent like a thief's. he searched for the fridge for water. It was then he heard the front door clicking open and unfamiliar footsteps approaching.
***************************************
P.S.:- next part tommorow!!!!
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