Her Aching Heart - A Graveyard Of Memories

Her Aching Heart - A Graveyard Of Memories

“May Mahadev keep you happy!” I smiled at the older lady and stepped outside the temple, rubbing my hands since I just gave her my shawl. It wasn't long before I started to feel the bites of the winter air on my skin. “Hold on Kaju, a couple more hours and you’ll...” Suddenly I felt like laughing at my foolishness. The weird creature we humans were! More than often, we willingly choose our destruction. However, when it came to facing the consequences of those choices, we liked to project ourselves as tragic heroes of some epic tale just so we could escape reality. Otherwise, what good did this self-inflicted pain do me, or anyone else for that matter? I bet even the valleys had gotten sick of my daily masochistic ritual by now. But I had no other choice. Every inch of this trailway was laced with his memories and I couldn't for the life of me resist the call of the mountains for this was where our story began. I closed my eyes and his face floated before me, “Neel Ji!” 

How long had it been? Days, months, or a lifetime? It felt like yesterday when he came with Dev Bhai and I… A lone tear escaped my eye as I recalled our last conversation. Having been brought up by a single parent, I realized very early in my life that I had a long road ahead. I could either sulk or brace myself for the inevitable. I chose the latter. I learned to be content with whatever little I had and tried to find happiness in the smallest things. Nevertheless, I would be lying if I said it didn’t feel lonely. I always wondered whether the world was full of people like Phool Singh or if there was someone somewhere around the corner whose mind wasn’t conditioned into bowing to social norms, who might actually know the difference between right and wrong. Neel Ji was the answer to all my questions. He came to my life like a breeze of fresh air and swept me off my feet. Perhaps that’s why I got swayed away and became greedy. I sought acceptance from those whose heart was filled with hatred and lost the man who loved me unconditionally. 

Yes, he did love me, in a way I never imagined was possible. I might have been ill-treated my entire life but along the way, my path crossed with generous individuals. While their affection made me feel seen, the accompanying pity always reminded me of my status. With Neel Ji it was different. Like the meaning of his name, his love had the vastness of the sky. His magnanimity was such that I felt my inhibitions washing away in his company. I guess that’s why when he held my hand in front of my villagers for the first time my rationality took a backseat and I accepted him as my husband with all my heart until reality slapped me in the face.  

For the longest time, I tried to persuade myself that I misinterpreted his compassion for his adoration since that’s what my heart desired. And yet, the more I tried to distance myself from him, the more I was drawn to him. He wasn’t one to categorize relationships under the parameters set by society. He believed in giving them his all. Even when he had no obligation regarding my well-being, he prioritized me over everyone and everything. We had our ups and downs but he never let his ego blind him. He was the kind of person who would swallow his pride for others’ betterment. Then how could he leave my hand in the crowd? 

He came to my rescue every single time, giving me the benefit of the doubt that maybe there was a reason behind my outbursts. The more I pushed him away, the tighter his embrace became. However, there was a sense of liberation in it. In front of him, I never had to hide my feelings or put on a brave face. I knew I could bare my soul to him, revealing what I was too afraid to face myself but he would pick up the pieces and mend my broken heart without any judgment. Never did I realize when had he found that missing part of him in me that he had been searching for forever and fallen in love with me. 

To this day, I find myself questioning what would have happened if I hadn’t gone to meet Mr. Bhalla that day. What Neel Ji said in a fit of rage hurt me tremendously but I knew that was the exact opposite of how he felt about me. He would often say that rather than running after something dictated by others and trying to find meaning in it one should follow his heart. I believed him. Somewhere deep down, I always knew what we shared was more than friendship. Even when it was purely platonic between us, the warmth and assurance we found in each other were far more superior to any other form of love I had ever known and I was content with it as that was all I had ever wished for - immersing myself in his devotion, no matter the consequences. And yet, when he said our marriage might be the biggest mistake of his life, I felt like my world had crumbled around me.  

I knew in my heart that Neel Ji was capable enough to carve a niche for himself. But knowing Mr. Bhalla’s influence, I couldn’t risk taking a chance and jeopardizing his future. I know I was wrong to take that decision on his behalf. But love makes you do the unthinkable. The man who begged me never to leave his side as I was his “PEACE”, I deserted him for I knew how poverty and failure could taint the purest of souls. I would rather choose his loving memories than see him suffering and blaming our relationship for his failure. So I walked out of our marriage, convincing myself that he would be better off without me. 

Ironic, isn’t it? The one who shielded me from the world and received one blow after another, I parted from him believing he deserved a partner who would complement him in every way and help him achieve new heights of success. It didn’t matter if he saw his reflection in me. I couldn’t become the mirror that would only reflect his shortcomings. I still don’t have an answer to what made me so certain about our impending doom. Maybe it’s because I always feared one day I’d have to pay the price for breaking Pavitra Ji’s heart with our separation. Or it could be my deep-rooted insecurity about our vast differences that he reaffirmed unknowingly. All I know is I wasn’t nearly as great as he presumed me to be. I did choose myself over him after all. Otherwise, I couldn’t have shattered his heart into a million pieces and requested Dev Bhai to take him away when he came looking for me.

When I left Delhi, I made it up in my mind that eventually Neel Ji would get over me and find happiness with someone else. No wonder weaving an illusion is far easier than facing your conscience. But when has life ever been so predictable? Despite my rejection, Neel Ji never stopped fighting for what was right. He was determined to bring an end to Mr. Bhalla's terror and with his father's help, eventually, he succeeded in his pursuit. Turned out, Mr. Bhalla had a long history of malpractice and Neel Ji worked day and night to gather enough evidence against him. He had already made it clear to Pavitra Ji that he would never go back to her. On top of that, the growing enmity between the two families forced her to accept the truth and she relocated to London with her parents. 

Although it came as a bit of a surprise, I knew Papa Ji would do anything for Neel Ji’s happiness even if that meant supporting me indirectly. Such is a parent’s love for his child that surpasses everything else. What I didn’t anticipate was the implication of the truth on Dhruv Bhai and Bhoomi Di's relationship. Once everyone got to know about Bhoomi Di’s involvement with Pavitra Ji, they withdrew their support and Dhruv Bhai declared that he didn't want to live with her anymore. Unsurprisingly, all hell broke loose and Chhavi Maasi Maa blamed me and Ija for everything. That's when I got to know what happened in my absence. 

One would assume everything got better after that whereas in reality the knotted strings of our relationships got entangled even more.  I was in touch with Pari Di and Dev Bhai this whole time. Knowing what another round of heartbreak would do to us, Dev Bhai never asked me anything about Neel Ji. But Pari Di being her usual innocent self never forgot to scold me for breaking her Neel Veere’s heart. During one such conversation, she blurted out about Neel Ji taking on an assignment in Uttarkashi just so he could be near me. 

My Ija used to say that in every relationship there is one person who loves the other more. It might sound romantic on paper but the truth is too much love often becomes a burden on the soul without reciprocation. I never fully understood what she meant until I met Neel Ji. Sometimes I wondered why did he love me so much! He told me once that the day I'd find my path, he would step aside and watch me thrive from afar without ever imposing him or his decisions on me if that’s what I wanted. Despite everything that’s happened between us, he remained true to his words. He kept watching over me without any expectations. I knew all I had to do was call him once and he would come running back, forgiving all my atrocities. But after everything I had put him through, I simply didn’t have it in me to look into his eyes and seek forgiveness. 

I still think about the day when we first met. When I looked on helplessly, realizing my end was near, he came out of nowhere and saved my life. I guess that's why I keep coming back to these valleys. Just as I never had to say anything but he always heard my silent cries, I believe one day my prayers will reach him and I'll find him here, wearing his brightest smile. And if not… The burble of the stream interrupted my thoughts when I realized I had reached my destination. The beautiful blue lying before me brought a smile to my face as I recalled the time when he had promised me an eternity of friendship. I closed my eyes in prayer and asked Mahadev to let me see Neel Ji one last time before I breathed my last when a familiar voice took my breath away, “Tathastu! Hum Tumhare Saath Hain Balike!” “Neel Ji!” 

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