Chapter 48

CHAPTER 48

A GLIMPSE INTO THE PAST

6th November 2021

Place- The Shergill House

Present Time

Karan watched his brother quietly. It was almost strange to see him pacing. It was a regular practice when he was younger, but when his legs were amputated, the habit had fallen away. It had been years since he had seen him pacing so restlessly.

"Bologe kuchh?" Karan asked. "Kya chal raha hai?"

Param looked up. His eyebrows furrowed, almost as if not being able to register his words. He finally nodded. "Haan. Haan, woh..."

Karan's eyebrows furrowed slightly. "Kya hua, Bhaiya? Kya baat karni hai aapko?"

Param shook his head a little. "Tu... tujhe... tujhe bhi karni hai, na?" He asked, visibly trying to shake himself out. "Kya... Kya baat karni hai?"

He tilted his head. Was this a good time? He shook his head a little. He had postponed it enough. He opened his mouth, before closing it. How should he approach this? "Monami Mahajan", he blurted out finally.

His brother froze at the name. Karan looked at him carefully. What was he thinking? Param slowly turned his head towards him. "Kya?" He almost whispered.

"Monami Mahajan", he repeated. "Aap jaante ho, na?" His brother jerked his head down in a nod. "Meri cadet hai. Bhaiya... aap kaise jaante ho use?"

Param walked closer to him. He sat down next to him heavily. "Mujhe bhi tujhse isi baare mein baat karni thi", he said softly. He clutched his shoulders. "Main sab bataata hoon. Par pehle... mujhe yeh bata... woh kaisi hai? Aur... Aur Sid bhi hai kya? Uska... uska poora naam-"

"Siddharth Ganju hai", Karan completed. He nodded a little. "Haan. Woh bhi mera cadet hai."

Param exhaled slightly. He nodded, smiling a little. "Woh aur Monami dono ek doosre se zyaada door hi nahi rehte", he said quietly, mostly to himself. He chuckled slightly. His smile faded a little abruptly. He looked at his brother. "Tujhe kaise pata main unhe jaanta hoon?"

Karan eyed him slightly. "Unhone bataaya", he said. He tilted his head. "Bhaiya... kya hua tha? Kaise jaante ho aap unhe? Unhone kaha aap unhe chodkar chale gaye. I know... I know koi reason hoga. Aap aise hi unhe abandon karke nahi jaayenge. Maybe koi misunderstanding-"

"Woh sahi bol rahe hain", Param cut him off.

He stared at his older brother. "Kya?" He asked. He shook his head. "No. Aap... Aap aisa nahi kar sakte. It has to be a misunderstanding. Aap..." He paused, staring at his brother. He shook his head again. "I want to know everything, Bhaiya. Kya hua tha? Kaise hua tha? Everything."

Param's gaze wilted slightly. He nodded. "Okay."

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

7th May 2003

Place- Parakaram SAF, Delhi Headquarters

18 Years Ago

A 22 year old Param nervously smoothed out his uniform again. He took a deep breath.

"Relax", Jannat said. He looked at her. She was about a year senior to him, but the two had become friends quickly enough that they rarely acknowledged the gap. "Ma'am bahut achhe hain. Itna nervous mat ho. You are lucky. Tujhe Juhi ma'am ki team mein place kara hai aur Gunjan ma'am tere on field strategy instructor hain. You can't have a better arrangement."

Param nodded. "Yeah", he said, exhaling slightly. Juhi Mahajan was a fairly respected name in the defense, and she was said to be one of the best medical experts in the current times. He took another deep breath, before knocking on the door.

"Come in", a voice said.

He pushed open the door, walking in. He saluted her. "Ma'am." The woman spun around in her chair. She was a fairly young woman, perhaps in her early 30s.

"You must be the commando cadet", she said.

He nodded. "Yes ma'am."

The woman stared at him, soft eyes inspecting him. "Naam?" She asked.

"Param Shergill."

She smiled, nodding. "Dr. Juhi Mahajan", she introduced. "Welcome to the team, Param."

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

6th November 2021

Place- The Shergill House

Present Time

"That was the first time I met Juhi ma'am", Param said. "She was my first commander. Uss time par ek terrorist organization thi- AMJ. Juhi ma'am ne unke bahut missions fail kare the. Attacks stop kare the, unke bases par raid maari thi. Agle 8 saal tak hum log usi organization ko chase kar rahe the. That was our main target. AMJ ko khatam karna."

He stood up. Karan's gaze dropped to his hands that were nervously fidgeting with each other. They were almost trembling. He paced back and forth.

"8 saal baad, matlab aaj se 10 saal pehle, hume ek bahut badhi lead mili. That lead... it was the key to finish AMJ. Hum logon ki itne saalon ki mehnat and it was finally, finally bringing results." He chuckled. "Jannat, one of our team mates, usne kaha tha ki yeh lead humaare liye ek pari bankar aayi hai. Toh isliye humne mission ka naam rakha- Mission Pari. It was a huge team. Uss mission ko lead kara Juhi ma'am ne. Second in command, Major Krishna Naidu. And third in command, Major Imran Ali."

Karan tilted his head. "Lead kya thi?" He asked.

"Hume unke boss ke right hand man ka pata chala. We raided the place, caught him. And then, ek ek karke humne saare leaders ko pakad liya. 7 months into Mission Pari and we had the mastermind."

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

4th January 2012

Place- An Old Warehouse

10 Years Ago

Param bent low, walking with slow and quiet steps. Movement caught his eye and he looked over to Juhi. She held up a hand. He paused. She peeked out. She held up 2 fingers before gesturing forward. He walked behind her.

A man jumped out, and Param immediately swung his gun up, pulling the trigger. The man's head snapped back with the force before his body slumped down to the ground. Param glanced over at her, finding her walking past another man. He was dead too.

Juhi pushed open the door to the office, peeking in. Param paused behind her, waiting for her to check before following her in when she walked in. There was another beat of silence. Juhi gestured to a door before pointing at herself. She then gestured to another and pointed at him. He nodded.

He walked quietly, pushing open the door. It creaked open. He walked in, gun raised as he slowly inspected the area. No movements, no people that he could see.

A gunshot rang out.

Param's head snapped up. He quickly hurried out of the door, crossing over the room and throwing open the door Juhi had disappeared from. There was a man on the ground. He looked up at his commander, finding her unharmed. He relaxed slightly. He walked closer, getting a clearer view of his face.

Mansik. The mastermind.

His head lifted. Juhi's gaze met his. A smile stretched on her face. His own lips twitched up.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

6th November 2021

Place- The Shergill House

Present Time

"Juhi ma'am killed the mastermind", Param said quietly. He had stopped pacing. His legs had started to ache slightly with the aggressive pacing and he had plopped down next to Karan. "Sirf ek kaam bacha tha and we would have razed the organization to the ground."

"Clean up", Karan said.

Param nodded. "Clean up", he agreed. "I was tasked with making sure jitni bhi information hume mili, us mein se leaders aur aides ke naam nikaalo."

Karan's eyebrows furrowed slightly, when he fell quiet. He inspected his brother. "Bhaiya", he prompted after a few minutes.

His brother looked up. His eyes were filled with tears. "I made a mistake." His voice cracked. Karan's eyebrows dipped further. "I missed a leader." Karan's eyes widened. Tears leaked his eyes. "Meri zindagi ki sabse badhi galti", he whispered. "I couldn't see what was right in front of me. There were hints ki ek aur leader hai, and I missed it." He took a shaky breath. "Uske baad, it took us 5 months for the entire clean up. And then... we all went home. Hum log ek saal se ghar nahi gaye the, and now that, Mission Pari was a success, hum log finally ghar jaa sakte the. Ghar jaane ke do hafte baad, we got a call."

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

5th June 2012

Place- The Shergill House

9 Years Ago

"Param", Barkha called. He lifted his head, eyebrows furrowing slightly. She sounded a little worried. He walked out.

"Kya hua?" He asked.

"Colonel Mehta ka call, Param", she said.

His eyes widened slightly. It was rare for him to call personally. He grabbed the phone, holding it to his ear. "Jai Hind, Sir."

"Param", he said. "I want you to report to the Mumbai Headquarters. As soon as possible."

"Sir?" He asked in surprise. Mumbai? It was usually Delhi. "Yes, Sir." He paused. "Any problems, Sir?"

Colonel Mehta paused. "We have some missing soldiers."

"Missing?" He asked. "Kaun?"

"Juhi, Krishna aur Imran", he responded. Param's eyebrows shot up and he straightened up. Vaguely, he felt Barkha's hand slide up his arm slightly. "And... Juhi ki 16 saal ki beti, Monami."

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

6th November 2021

Place- The Shergill House

Present Time

"Monami?" Karan repeated. "Kyun? Monami toh in sab cheezon mein involved bhi nahi thi. She was a civilian, a kid. Use kyun?"

"Unke mind mein Juhi ma'am sabse zyaada guilty the. She was the commander and she was the one who shot Mansik. So, she should be punished the most." He smiled humorlessly. "Aur agar desh ke baad, kisi par Juhi ma'am apni jaan chidhakte the, woh thi Monami."

It sounded like something terrorists would do. The ones who had nothing to lose. Not even their morality because there were none to begin with. It was one thing to kidnap soldiers, but it was another low to kidnap a 16 year old girl who wasn't involved in any of it.

"We started searching. We didn't have to search all that much. Uske ek hafte baad, we found the soldiers' dead bodies." Param's jaw clenched. "Unn kaminon ne unke ghar par unki dead bodies bheji thi. Unke beds par. For their families to find. Krishna Sir ki body unke 10 saal ke bacche ko mili thi. Imran Sir ki body unki wife ko. Aur Juhi ma'am ki... Dr. Mahajan ko."

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

12th June 2012

Place- The Mahajan House

9 Years Ago

Param pushed open the door. He scrunched up his nose slightly. The air smelled rotten. It was familiar but unwelcomed. The smell of a corpse. There were soldiers swarming around the place. They paused when they glanced at him, remorse in their eyes.

He took another step forward, getting a clearer view of the body on the bed. He stumbled in shock, horror settling in the pit of his stomach.

He made his way to the bathroom, opening the door and kneeling down in front of the toilet just in time for his food to make an unwanted reappearance in his mouth. Tears stung his eyes as he emptied his stomach, the vomit burning on its way up. He stood up when he was done several minutes later, walking back out.

The sight still seemed just as gruesome.

Juhi had marks on every single visible inch of skin, clothes dirtied and the blood on several places indicated injuries he couldn't see. A single hole in her forehead told her cause of death- a gunshot wound. A merciful death in most cases- a quick, peaceful, instant one. But her end was anything but any of those things.

She had been tortured.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

20th June 2012

Place- Parakaram SAF, Mumbai

10 Years Ago

2 Days After The Soldiers' Death, 9 Days After the Kidnapping

Param stalked quickly through the halls of the academy, Jannat right beside him as they all but jogged. He threw open the door. Gunjan glanced up, before pressing a button and a voice came on.

"-himmat hai toh chudha lo ise. We would not move from here." The man's voice was gruff and deep. "Dekhein toh sahi", he snarled. "Kitna samay lagta hai Indian Army ko apne logon ko nikaalne mein."

"Hume usse baat karne do", Akash said. "Let us talk to Monami."

"You have 5 minutes."

Param waited with baited breath, listening to every hint of noise. "H-Hello?" A shaky voice said.

His eyes slid close. She was alive. Her voice was scratchy, almost hoarse. "Monami", he said, opening them. The others around him glanced up at him, before Akash gestured him to come closer. "Monami", he said louder.

"Bhaiya!" She broke into sobs. "Bhaiya! Please. Please, mujhe yahan se bahar nikaalo. Mujhe nahi rehna yahan par. Please, Bhaiya. Please. Mujhe please nikaalo."

"Shh, tu chinta mat kar, Monami", he said softly. "I promise. We will get you out. Okay? We will get you out." He glanced at his Colonel. "Monami, listen... can you give us a hint of where you are?"

He paused, waiting for the terrorists to object. They didn't. There was a pause. "Bhaiya..." Monami said softly. "They will kill me."

"Monami, woh-"

"Unhone Mumma ko bhi maar diya, Bhaiya. They killed her."

His words died on his lips. He looked up at his seniors again, his eyes welling up with tears. Had she seen it? He felt himself choke on his words, and he took a deep breath.

"Monami", Gunjan said, taking over the call. "I am Gunjan. Main aapki Mumma ke team mein hoon. Baccha, tell me... can you tell us anything that would help us reach you?"

"Train", she said. There was a slight gasp and Param tensed up. He glanced at the others, who had tensed up just as much.

"Monami?" Akash said.

"Time's up", the terrorist's voice came back. "Humaari next call ka wait karo. We will wait for you to come here." He chuckled. "The game is on."

Param stared at the phone, shaking his head as the call dropped. "Game?" He spat. "Ise yeh game lag raha hai?" He pushed away the chair in disgust.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

14th July 2012

Place- An Old Warehouse

9 Years Ago

36 Days After Juhi's Death, 43 Days After the Kidnapping

Param walked in quietly, his boots echoing loudly in the dead silence of the cells. In his ear com, he could hear updates from others. He walked closer. A rotten smell hung in the air, almost making him gag. It was strong. Of a corpse. His stomach dropped. He quickened his pace, checking the cells. He halted at the last one in the row, peeking in.

Param's footsteps faltered. A figure was lying on the dirty floor of the cell. He walked closer, getting a clearer view. She was on her stomach, greasy hair covering her face. Unmoving. Was she... dead?

He tried the door. It was locked. He glanced around before quickly producing a pin and fidgeting with the lock. It clicked open, and the door swung open. He ducked inside, kneeling down next to the figure. It was undoubtedly Monami. He gently turned her over to her back.

His breath caught in his throat. She was... tortured. Marks covered her arms and legs, blood covering her torn and filthy clothes. It was almost exactly like the soldiers, except the bullet mark in the forehead. He pressed against her neck. A slow beat thumped against his fingers.

"Monami mil gayi", he said into the radio. "Zinda hai."

"Need of medical assistance?" Gunjan asked.

"Urgent", he replied back.

"Copy that. Use nikaal pehle."

"Copy that."

He lifted her up gently, cradling her. The girl moaned a little, her eyes cracking open. Param looked down at her, leaning closer and kissing her head in comfort. "You are okay", he whispered. "You are safe now."

Her confused eyes stared at him for a few seconds before she relaxed, a small smile of relief spreading on her face. She buried her face in his chest, lifting a bloody hand to clutch his black hoodie and fist it tightly like a baby.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

6th November 2021

Place- The Shergill House

Present Time

"She was unconscious for a month", Param continued.

Karan turned his head, watching him pace again. It was unsettling. He didn't know what he was feeling. He wasn't even angry at the moment. He was too overwhelmed to feel it.

"Sid, Dr. Mahajan, and main, hum teenon almost hamesha wahin par rehte the. Hospital mein. Uske saath. Dr. Mahajan ko army se, especially humaari team se, chidh hone lagi thi. I... I understood. It was... It was horrible. Juhi ma'am ke death, Monami ke saath jo hua. Even... Even Sid itna dara hua tha. He was just 18. Woh bhi baccha hi tha. Dr. Mahajan was grieving. He was angry." He paused. "I was guilty", he said softly. "Meri galti ki wajah se..." He shook his head, moving on before Karan could even open his mouth. "Jab use ek mahine baad hosh aaya, she was... she was terrified, Karan."

Param sat down on the floor. He bent his prosthetic legs awkwardly, clutching the metal knees closer to himself. He stared at a distance quietly, eyes sliding close.

"She was... quiet. You couldn't even tell ki woh room mein hai. Tujhe pata hai... they used to call us every 2 days and every time they used to let us speak to Monami." His voice shook slightly. "I could hear it over the phone. I could hear her get quieter and quieter. In every call. It was... it was like, hum use... hum use tootte hue sun rahe hain. We were hearing her break." He took a shaky breath. "She used to be so scared of people. Doctors, nurses, soldiers. Everyone. Even... Even us. Sid se bhi. Sid, main aur uske Dad, par, thode se zyaada tolerable the. She didn't use to have a panic attack, at least.

Jab woh waapas ghar aayi, toh mujhe aur Sid ko laga ki... agar humne Monami ko aise hi chodh diya, toh she'll never heal. She'll always hide like this. Toh isliye main aur Sid use thoda thoda push karte the. Tab tak woh humpar waapas trust karne lagi thi and hum uske saath rehte the, use encourage karte the."

Karan nodded. "Did she get better?"

He shrugged slightly. "Sometimes, we used to think, haan. And kuchh hota tha, something used to trigger her and she used to have a very bad anxiety attack and we were back to square one. But longer run mein, haan, I suppose it would have made a difference. Dr. Mahajan didn't want us to do that. He wanted us to give Monami space. Give her time, comfort. And every time, she used to have a panic attack because we pushed her too much, woh hume convince karne ki koshish karte the ki hum yeh sab chodh de. But we didn't.

She... She never used to speak. Even uske panic attacks bhi quiet hote the. No words from her mouth. No screaming, no talking." Param paused. "The first time I heard it after that? It was... It was my mistake."

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

13th October 2012

Place- The Mahajan House

9 Years Ago

Param walked into the house, speaking into the phone and smiling at the house help that greeted him. He was still mostly in his gear, taking an update from a recent mission. He had requested his transfer from Delhi to Mumbai, and it had been granted easily. Their current mission? Working on finding the remaining leader of AMJ.

There was a slight crash. His gaze lifted. Monami. She was staring at him. She often did that- stared at people quietly- but this time was different. Her eyes were wide open. Even across the room, he could see the sweat that was on her flushed skin. His eyebrows furrowed. He cut the call, taking a step closer to her.

She stumbled back immediately, tripping over a table and falling to the ground. She gasped in pain when the jug fell next to her, cutting her hand.

"Monami", he said, walking swiftly to her.

She shook her head. She opened her mouth, letting out a shriek. He froze in shock. That was the first voluntary sound they had heard from her in months. But why was she screaming? What was wrong? He stared at her.

"Monu!" Sid said, running down the stairs. He slid down next to her, unmindful of the glass. He pulled her screaming form closer in a hug. She didn't stop. "Monu... bacche... kya hua? Bas, baccha. Bas. Kuchh nahi hua. Tu theek hai. It's okay." Her screams died to sobs. He gently stroked her hair. He pulled away a little, staring at her. "Kya hua, Monu? Kya hua? Kisi ne kuchh kaha tujhe?"

Her hand lifted, pointing at him. Sid followed her finger, looking at him. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion and he looked at Monami before back at him. His eyes swept him over. They widened.

"Bhaiya", he said. "Gun."

Param's gaze snapped down at his holster and his own eyes widened. "Shit", he muttered, quickly taking it out and hiding it in his bag.

"Monu, baccha, bas Bhaiya hain", Sid said soothingly. "Dekh, gun bhi nahi hai. Koi hurt nahi karega tujhe. Tu safe hai."

She pushed Sid away, shaking her head. Her sobs turned into screams again. She scrambled back. Param flinched when she crawled over the broken glass, her legs and hands cutting open and the blood mixing with the water on the floor. "Monami", he said softly.

She screamed louder, lifting her hands to her face and covering them. She shook her head, before her hands buried themselves in her hair. Param felt his stomach turn. The blood from her hands had smeared on her face. She was coated with blood.

"Monami!" He looked up, seeing Dr. Mahajan. He pulled open a drawer, taking out an injection before crossing over the room. He gently grabbed the side of her head and her wails got impossibly louder. He pushed the needle in gently.

It took her seconds to stop screaming and some more seconds still before she relaxed, swaying over and slumping. Dr. Mahajan gently supported her, pulling her closer protectively.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

6th November 2021

Place- The Shergill House

Present Time

Karan's eyebrows furrowed slightly. "Monami ek gun se itna darr gayi?" He could imagine her being quieter. She was unusually quiet even now. He could imagine her panic attacks. He had seen them. But her being afraid of guns? As far as he had seen it, she wasn't.

Param shook his head. "It was just the final trigger", he said. "Guns use kaafi uncomfortable zaroor karti thi. Par iss incident se kuchh din pehle se, she was having very bad nightmares. Pata nahi kyun. But meri gun dekhkar... it just kind of pushed her over the edge."

He nodded. He looked at his brother. "Phir?"

"Dr. Mahajan mujhpar bahut gussa hue. Usually, Sid mujhe defend karta tha. But he was quiet too. I was... I was scared", he admitted. He sat down next to Karan. "Main Monami ko apni responsibility samajhta tha. For a lot of reasons. Maine Juhi ma'am se promise kara tha ki agar unhe kuchh hua, toh main unke bacchon ka dhyaan rakhunga. I will protect them. Main use apni behen maanta tha. Aur jo kuchh bhi uske saath hua, us mein meri galti thi. And to see her... covered in blood and screaming and so scared... I... I couldn't think.

I wanted to apologize. Jab use hosh aaya, toh main uske kamre mein gaya." His eyes welled up with tears. He looked at his brother. "Chhote, woh mujhse darr rahi thi. She was scared of me. Use laga main... main use hurt karunga." He shook his head. "I couldn't take it. I broke. Jo sab kuchh hua... I couldn't handle it. That was the final straw. Uske baad jab Dr. Mahajan ne mujhe kaha ki main chala jaaon toh main mana nahi kar paaya. Mujhe laga yeh hi better hai. I was protecting them. I was... I was completing the promise. Meri galti ki wajah se sab kuchh hua tha. And... And now, Monami bhi mujhse darti thi. I was the reason Sid ki smile chali gayi thi. I took everything from them. Everything. I thought... mera jaana hi better hai. So, I left."

'Jab Juhi Aunty shaheed hue the, when we needed him, he walked out and he never came back.'

"Siddharth aapko blame nahi karta, Bhaiya", Karan said. "He has a problem with you leaving. Aur... aur Monami..."

Param's eyes looked up hopefully. "Aur Monami?"

He paused. "I don't know. Usne kaha ki woh aapse naraaz nahi hai par... she doesn't want to see you." Param sighed, nodding slightly. "Bhaiya... aapko abhi bhi lagta hai ki aapka chale jaana unke liye sahi tha?"

"Nahi", he said. "For 3 years, I convinced myself ki maine jo kara, woh bilkul sahi kara. I thought of them every day. Kahan hai, kya kar rahe hain, kaise hain. But I stayed away. Phir... phir yeh sab hua." He gestured to his legs. He sniffled, wiping away the tears that had leaked from his eyes. "And I realized what Monami was feeling. Not exactly, obviously. Humaari situations bahut alag thi, but... I could see it. I could feel it. And the only reason I got through every mental issue was because I had you guys. Tu, Barkha, Baby, Sir, Ma'am, even Faizi. And... I regretted it. Because... Because I was wrong. I should have... I should have stayed there and helped Monami through everything."

"Aap dobara kabhi kyun nahi gaye unke paas?" He asked.

Param shook his head slightly. "By the time maine apne mental issues sort kare, it was 5 years since I had left. I... I thought about it. A lot. But I never had the courage. 5 saal... unki life ke 5 sabse mushkil saal... I wasn't there. And 5 saal baad jaakar, kaise main keh deta ki main galat tha and ab, main tumhaari life mein aana chahta hoon waapas? I used to think about it. Every day. Days turned to weeks, to months, to years. And then, Diwali waale din, mujhe Monami dikhi. Academy mein."

Karan's gaze snapped up in surprise. "Aapne Monami ko dekha?" He nodded. His eyebrows furrowed. "Usne aapko dekha, Bhaiya?" He nodded again.

'Monami. Tum mujhe theek nahi lag rahi ho. Baat karni hai? Tum... theek ho?'

'Aapke Bhaiya ke baare mein sochkar bhi mujhe woh time yaad aata hai, jo mujhe kabhi nahi yaad karna dobara.'

"Woh mujhse door bhaag gayi", Param said quietly. "I saw the fear. Again. I ruined her life, Chhote. Maine uski zindagi kharaab kar di. I ruined it."

Karan's attention was drawn from his thoughts to his brother when he registered the quiet shaking of his shoulders. He shook his head. "Bhaiya..." He sat down on the ground, crossing his legs. He scooted closer, laying his head down on his lap like he used to when he was a kid. "It's not your fault", he said quietly. "Missions mein galti sabse hoti hai. And Monami aur Siddharth se door rehne ka decision... you did it for them. You thought that was the right thing to do."

Param stared down at his little brother. He tilted his head away, shaking his head. "Nahi. I know yeh sab meri galti hai, Chhote." He scoffed bitterly. "Mujhe uski punishment bhi mil gayi."

"Bhaiya... aisa nahi hai", Karan whispered.

"Tujhe yaad hai, Chhote, teri training shuru hone se pehle maine tujhe kya warning di thi?" Param asked. "'You will have to live with everything you do.' The good, the bad. The mistakes. You have to live with everything. I have to live with the fact ki meri wajah se mere commanders shaheed hue. Meri wajah se Monami ke saath woh sab kuchh hua. And meri wajah se itni zindagiyan kharaab hui." He chuckled humourlessly. "I have to live with the guilt."

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Almost two hours later, Karan shoved his hands in his hoodie, walking to the mess in the academy. The conversation echoed in his mind, lingering uncomfortably.

Faizi glanced up when he sat down opposite him. His eyebrows furrowed. "Bhaiya se baat ho gayi?" He asked lowly. Sanju looked at him in interest as well. He jerked his head down in a nod. "Kya bataaya?"

"Baad mein." The words tumbled out. He let out a shaky breath. She was... kidnapped. And tortured. By terrorists.

"Hi", a voice said quietly. Karan's gaze snapped up. Monami smiled at them a little, sitting down next to him. He turned his head before she could catch him staring.

'Ma-Main s-sabke s-saamne n-nervous hoti hoon.'

'I- I don't th-think this is t-torture. T-Torture isse k-kahin z-zyaada b-bura hota hai.'

'I could hear it over the phone. I could hear her get quieter and quieter. In every call. It was... it was like, hum use... hum use tootte hue sun rahe hain. We were hearing her break.'

'Mere saath... kuchh hua. Maine kuchh... kuchh dekha. Bahut saal pehle. Par jo hua, jo... jo dekha, jo mehsoos kiya, use... use bhool nahi paa rahi. I want to forget. I... I want freedom. Iss darr se, inn memories se j-jo mujhe h-hamesha haunt karti hain, iss... iss weakness se. I don't want to be weak anymore. I want to be free.'

He looked at Monami, finding her listening quietly to something Faizi was explaining to her about guns. Karan stared at her. He smiled automatically at Monami when the dinner was done, nodding when she asked hesitantly if they'll meet for coffee. He wandered around. He didn't want to go back to his room. He found himself on the terrace.

'Chaahe try bhi kar loon, par unhe maaf nahi kar paungi.'

He exhaled a little. He wasn't going to let them go when he gets his hands on them either. His hands curled up into fists.

'And ask him if he has caught the people jinhone meri Mumma ko maara tha.'

He will catch them. And he would make them pay. For every tear that had leaked from her eyes, for every second she had spent in fear, for every moment she had grieved. He would make them pay for all of it when he'll get his hands on them.