Chapter 47

CHAPTER 47

TANGLED

Monami ran her fingers over the glass lightly. Her mother's smiling face stared back. It has been so long since she had seen that smile now. It has been so long since she has seen her. Her eyes slid close.

Monami trembled. She crawled closer, her lip wobbling. Her eyes welled up with tears and she felt a sob escape her body. There was a hole in the middle of her forehead, her dead gaze staring unseeingly upwards. 'Mumma', she whispered. She reached out, touching her cheek. It was cold. 'Mumma! MUMMA!'

Her eyes snapped open. The photo slipped from between her fingers, bouncing down on the bed softly. She looked down. Her fingers trembled slightly, as she picked it up. She kept it aside, swallowing slightly.

"Monami", a voice said. She flinched. The person kept a hand on her head, and she looked up. Faizi? "Kya hua?" He asked. "Tum theek ho? Ro kyun rahi ho?"

She reached up, touching her cheek. Her fingers coated with wetness. She brushed it away. She shook her head. "K-Kuchh n-nahi. Bas..." She looked down at the photo. "Bas... Mumma ki y-yaad aa r-rahi thi."

Faizi looked down at the photo. "Diwali ki wajah se?" He asked gently. She paused before nodding her head. "Tumhe baat karni hai?" She shook her head adamantly. "Agar akeli rahogi, toh aur yaad aayegi. Aa jao, hum sab ke saath aa jao."

She paused, before nodding slightly. "Aa-Aap k-kyun aa-aaye the?"

"Bas ek file rakhne aaya tha", he said. She stood up, and he gently touched her back, almost guiding her out of the room. He eyed her. "Tum raat ko dhang se soyi nahi kya?"

She looked up, blinking, almost startled. "Uh, woh... n-nahi. M-Main s-so g-gayi thi." She glanced down, fidgeting her shaky hands. Faizi glanced down at them. She tensed slightly, a lie at the tip of her tongue, but he didn't comment or question.

She had slept. That part wasn't entirely a lie. Seeing Param had unsettled her more than she had anticipated though. Her night had been riddled with nightmares, each worse than the last until she had eventually given up at around 3 in the morning, sitting down at the edge of the window and staring at the moonless sky. Sanju's soft, even breaths in the quiet of the night had done little to soothe the fear and panic that lurked from the nightmares and even as the hours passed from late night to early morning to almost noon, her dread had only reduced marginally.

She glanced up when Faizi pushed open a door. The other two trainers looked up from their spots- Sanju sitting on the boys' desk and Karan settled on his bed with a laptop on his lap- and their eyebrows furrowed in concern.

"Monami", Karan said, keeping his laptop aside and standing up. "Kya hua? Tum kaamp rahi ho."

She looked up at him, opening her mouth. Her throat constricted slightly. His concerned eyes bore down into hers and that perhaps, only served to push her closer to her edge. She took a shaky breath, offering him a small smile in hopes to appease him. It didn't. Instead, he looked over her head at Faizi. She tilted her head back, watching the two silently. They seemed to have a conversation but Monami couldn't understand either side. Karan nodded.

"Coffee? Tumhe peekar achha lagta hai, na?" He asked her. She opened her mouth again, only air escaping her. She was still panicking. Silently, dryly. She pointed to his laptop. He glanced at it, and then grabbed it. "Mess mein kar lunga kaam. Aa jao." She nodded, following him out. If she could form words, she would perhaps object- she didn't want to pull him away from work- but no matter how much she seemed to try, only air seemed to escape her. The more she tried, the more panicked she got. This feeling reminded her of a similar one- years past- but it was just as unpleasant.

'Monu', Sid pleaded. 'Please, na, bacche?' He gently lifted his hands to her face. His teary eyes stared at her. 'Main teri awaaz sunne ke liye taras gaya hoon. Please? Kuchh bol, na? Tu sherni hai, bro. Roar kar, na? Tu... tu meri Moti Billi hai. Meow hi kar de.'

She opened her mouth, trying to form words. She tried to push the air out of her lungs. That was how words were formed, weren't they? Just her breaths moved the air, not a sound floating through.

Sid released her, almost running out of the room. She could hear him break into sobs, just outside her door, and more tears dripped from her eyes. Her shoulders shook silently. She opened her mouth, trying to push the words out. Had she forgotten how to speak? Her silence in those torturous days seemed a necessity but now, safe in her home, they seemed a habit. One she couldn't break out of. It caged her just as much as the fear did.

"Monami", a voice jarred her out slightly. She tilted her head up, staring at Karan. He gestured down to the bench. She blinked, glancing around. Oh. They were inside the mess?

It was empty now, too late for breakfast, too early for lunch. She settled down, pushing herself closer to the wall. Her back pressed against it, and she stared at Karan silently, as he went to grab the coffee. The mess was still running and the helpers would make the coffee- unlike their nightly ritual. It was more convenient but she still preferred their nightly rituals. There was something peaceful about the entire thing.

He set down the cup in front of her. She accepted it, clutching it tightly. The warmth was comforting in her icy cold hands. She swallowed a big gulp, unmindful of the burning from the hot liquid.

"Monami", Karan said. She looked up. His eyebrows were furrowed. "Tum mujhe theek nahi lag rahi ho. Baat karni hai?" She shook her head. "Tum... theek ho?" He asked. She nodded her head quickly.

She was being a baby, an overly sensitive wimp. Seeing Param shouldn't have rattled her as much as it did. She couldn't even face him. She had turned on her heels, ran into her room and hadn't opened it for anyone. Karan had come knocking, so had Faizi. Sanju was allowed in, purely for the reason that it was her room too, but she hadn't gone outside again. She was a coward. She had hid in her room, ran away. What bigger proof was there of her weakness?

She peeked a glance at Karan, who had left her to her thoughts and had gone back to doing whatever he was doing on his laptop, although he seemed to sneak glances at her periodically. Did he ever look at her and regret telling her they were friends? Did he wonder what was a coward like her doing in a place that breathed bravery?

What had she told him? His brother could better answer the questions he wanted to ask? No. That was a lie. She had the answers. She didn't have the guts. She couldn't stand to tell him of her cowardice, of her weakest days. He had called her a lioness. She didn't want to confess out of her mouth how far that was from the truth. Had he asked his brother about the truth? She didn't dare ask.

Instead, she leaned her head back, sipping the coffee and listening to the non-rhythmic patter of Karan's laptop as he typed occasionally, pretending that she wasn't a sheep that had snuck in posing as a wolf.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

"Sir ji, aapko akele naa jaana chahiyo", Sanju insisted. Faizi glanced up. "EFR ke log kahan honge, hume naa pato hai. Unhe aapke baare mein bhi pato hai. Hum bhi chalto hai, na, saath mein?"

He sighed a little. "Tum aur Karan", he grumbled slightly.

"Sir ji, aap bhi hum dono ko akele naa jaane deto", she retorted.

Faizi smiled slightly, shaking his head. "Achha, theek hai", he said. "Par hum sirf club check out karke aa rahe hain. Hume nahi lagta khatra hoga." He reached forward nonetheless, grabbing a file from the nightstand and holding it out to her. "Hum civilians ki tarah jaayenge. Ek baar padh lo club ke baare mein. Agar EFR se associated hua, toh shayad koi lead mil jaaye. Mumbai ka club hai, raat ko wahin ruk jaaye, subah aayenge toh thoda samaan bhi le lena." She nodded, taking the file. "Defense plan ka kya hua?"

She nodded. "Sir ji, humne bana liyo hai. Karan Sir ji ne kaho ek baar woh dobara dekh lenge." She glanced back at the door, ensuring it was closed. "Agle hafte bait plant karne ka sabse sahi waqt hogo. Headquarters se log aayenge, matlab security plans change hona ajeeb naa lagego."

Faizi nodded. "Tumne kaha tha bait ke paas motion sensors lagaogi", he said. She nodded. "Alarm kisse connected hai?"

"Hum teenon ka, Sir ji", she said. "Hum motion sensor lagaate hi connect kar denge."

He patted her back gently. "Good job", he said.

She exhaled slightly. "Sab kuchh theek se ho jaaye, uske baad bolna, Sir ji."

He chuckled, nodding. "Tum chinta mat karo", he said. "Sab theek hoga." He leaned back on his arms. His eyebrows flicked slightly in question. "Siddharth ke saath kaisa chal raha hai?"

"Hume samajh naa aa raho hai ki woh hume pasand karto hai ya nahi", she said, almost complaining. He laughed. "Sir ji, haso mat."

"Tum aur Karan dono ke dono inn sab maamlon mein kitne buddhu ho", he said.

She frowned. "Aur aapke paas hum dono ke laane bhi batero gyaan hai", she said. He chuckled. "Aapka aur Koel ka kaisa chal raho hai?"

He smiled. "Bahut achha", he said, sighing happily. "Humne uske bete se bhi baat kari."

She smiled. Faizi was a jolly and cheerful person, yet this happiness wasn't something she had ever witnessed. Would she be as happy with Siddharth? Her smile widened slightly.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Monami moved through her familiar house. It seemed empty, which was strange. Her house was never empty. There were at least, the helpers that kept the place up and running.

'Monami', a familiar voice said. Her eyes widened. She whirled around and a smile spread on her face.

'Mumma!' She said, running to her.

She pushed her away from herself before she could hug her. Juhi's eyes stared at her coldly. 'Pata nahi kahan meri parvarish mein kami reh gayi ki tu itni kamzor nikli.' Monami stared at her mother, her lip quivering. 'You are a coward. Darpok hai tu.'

'Main...' What could she even say? She wasn't weak? It would be a lie. 'I am sorry', she choked out. 'I will... I will try. I promise. Aap...' Juhi vanished into thin air. Monami gasped, stumbling back. 'Mumma!' Footsteps made her turn around. Param stared at her. 'Bh-Bhaiya?'

'Juhi ma'am jaisi brave aur fierce aur bold solider ki beti tu nahi ho sakti', he said. 'You are weak. I can't even stand to look at you.' He turned around, walking away.

'Tumhe kya lagta hai?' Karan's voice said. She whirled around. He stared at her with his dark, calculative eyes. 'Koi tumhaare baare mein actually care karta hai? You are a burden, Monami. Sab par. Tumhaare Papa, Sid. You are nothing but a burden.'

'Monu', Sid's voice said. She whirled around. He was leaning on the railing of the first floor. 'I hate you. Teri wajah se, teri weakness ki wajah se, I was stuck taking care of you.'

'Sid', she croaked out. 'Main...'

'I wish tu Juhi Aunty ki jagah mari hoti', he spat. 'I wish tu kabhi born hi nahi hui hoti.'

Her eyes snapped open. The words echoed in her ears, as she stared at the darkness of the night. She couldn't move. For a few minutes, she stared at the ceiling, her limbs too heavy to even twitch. She pushed herself up. There was loud breathing in her room. It took her a minute to realize it was hers. She was alone. Sanju had gone somewhere with Faizi on official business and would return the next morning since the two figured it was better that than to drive all night.

She hated the timing. Sanju would have probably woken up from the heavy breathing and spend at least, a couple of minutes comforting her. She paused. No, she decided. She loved the timing. How could she think that waking the trainer up from her sleep was ever a good thing? God, when did she become so selfish? She was weak and selfish.

She swung her legs over the bed. The cool floor touched her bare feet and she felt a shiver run down her spine. It wasn't a violent dream- not with chains and whips and death. But it seemed to stab her harsher. It was all imagination- none of them had ever said those words to her- but it was all reality too. Those had to be their real feelings- feelings they were too kind to express in words.

She walked out of her room- off to the washroom. She should wash her face. It felt raw. She stumbled every two steps, it seemed, her shoulder brushing against a wall or a door, or another. Her legs seemed to be acting weird. Or was it her mind? She couldn't tell. She slammed into something- a table, perhaps- and her butt found the floor. She couldn't move. She didn't want to move.

'You are weak.'

'You are a burden.'

'MUMMA!'

Her eyes slid close. She pulled her knees closer to her tightening chest. The knots in her stomach had formed a tangled mess. It was a physical pain. Her tightening chest, the knots in her stomach, they were unbearable.

'I hate you.'

'You are a coward. Darpok hai tu.'

Something touched her. She jumped, pushing herself closer to the wall. Her world had blurred. She blinked, looking through the haze. Karan? He was speaking something. His mouth was moving. But she couldn't hear. All she could hear was sobbing. Who was crying? Her, she realized. She was sobbing, like a little baby. She was a mess. She was pathetic.

'Juhi ma'am jaisi brave aur fierce aur bold solider ki beti tu nahi ho sakti.'

'I wish tu Juhi Aunty ki jagah mari hoti. I wish tu kabhi born hi nahi hui hoti.'

Something touched her arms again. She jumped again. The hands were gentle and she realized with another jolt that Karan was lightly rubbing them in an attempt to calm her down. She stared into his concerned eyes. Why didn't he just leave? Why was he wasting his time? She didn't deserve his kindness. Could he not see that?

'You are a coward. Darpok hai tu.'

'Tumhe kya lagta hai? Koi tumhaare baare mein actually care karta hai?'

His hands moved from her arms to her face and she jumped. For the third time. But he just gently wiped her tears away, cupping her face. "It's okay", his soothing voice broke through. She panted slightly, out of breath from the sobbing. It was even worse. She couldn't even seem to be able to sob- her breaths came in short rasps and her sobs were a mix of pained cries and miserable whining. "You are safe, Monami. I promise... koi tumhaare paas nahi aayega", he whispered. "You are okay."

She took a deep breath. And then, another. She stared into his eyes. He didn't remove his hands from her face, his eyes boring soothingly into hers.

"Good", he whispered. "Breathe." She sucked in a breath and then released it. "That's it. It's okay. You are okay. I am here. You are safe."

She let her head fall back, shuddering. She was shivering. Trembling. She seemed to become aware of her body. Her legs were pulled to her chest, his hands still on her face. He was close. She could feel his breath tickling the top of her head.

"Can you tell me what you need?"

What did she need? Safety, comfort, strength, the answer came back. She didn't want to say those out loud. That was asking too much. A smaller thing. Would it be too much to ask that he talked to her? She liked it. It distracted her from the words of her nightmares. "B-B-Baat?" She forced out hesitantly.

His hands slipped underneath her, and he stood up. She closed her eyes, keeping her head on his shoulder as he carried her. His soothing voice assured her of her safety, assured her that he was here. She welcomed the words.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Param stared at the ceiling. Barkha laid quietly next to him, her head resting on his stretched out arm, snuggling close to him. He looked down at her. He pressed his lips to her head, rubbing her shoulders gently.

His mind had been stuck on Monami. She had been at the academy. After his initial burst of happiness, the feeling had faded into a mix of emotions too entangled for him to sort through. She had ran away from him. He didn't blame her. Not one bit. He never expected to see them, but he wasn't even hopeful that either of them would ever look at him with anything even mildly positive. He had torched that when he left. Perhaps abandoned would be the better word. It hadn't seemed like that when he left, but now, looking back, he wasn't sure how he could have mistaken it for anything else. It was pure abandonment.

'Param', Barkha said softly. 'Bahar jaana hai tumhe?'

He looked at the wheelchair. He didn't want to sit in it. It would still take him a fair bit to get the prosthetics. His eyes caught a sight of his amputated legs and he quickly turned his head away. He shook his head. 'Tum... Tum thodi der yahin reh sakti ho?' He whispered.

'Of course', she said. He shifted slightly, keeping his head on her lap. He closed his eyes, trying to forget that he couldn't move his legs. Because he didn't have them.

It had taken him 3 years to realize what they had felt. The helplessness, the grief, the despair, the hopelessness. He hadn't taken his disability well, fallen into a depression that stemmed from PTSD. And possibly, the only thing that had pushed him through were the people he loved- his brother, his wife, his adoptive parents, his baby. In the midst of breaking down, he felt a paralyzing sense of regret. He shouldn't have left. They had needed him and he abandoned them.

Almost 10 years later, their meeting again had been purely coincidental. It had almost seemed that his life was falling back in place. He was going to serve his nation again, and he had met one of the two people he had regretted leaving.

Param turned slightly, hugging Barkha close. Was Sid there too? How would he react? If he worked in the academy, there would be their fair share of times when they would see him. Would they want to see him? No, they wouldn't want that.

He turned to his back again. He had a chance again. He could, perhaps, take care of them, be the mentor Juhi wanted him to be. Except... they would probably not even want to see his face again.

He sat up. He stared at his prosthetic legs, the metal glinting in the moonlight that filtered through the windows. Was this punishment? For all the mistakes that he had committed, a compensation for all the lives that had been lost and ruined because of his mistake?

Param bowed his head, as the colonel- Colonel Akash Mehta- extended the uniform and the tricolor to Krishna's wife. He looked at the 10 year old kid that peeked out from behind his mother. It was almost a repeat. He was 10 when his Dad was martyred too.

He looked down at his wife. He kissed her forehead, clutching her closer. She opened her eyes, groggily looking up at him. "Kya hua?" She asked sleepily. He shook his head.

"Kuchh nahi", he murmured. "So jao." He pulled her closer, his eyes sliding shut as he tried to push past the guilt that had formed knots in his stomach.

Tomorrow, he would talk to Karan. He would ask him if he knew her. He needed to know what she was like. She seemed better. Was she?

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Karan paused in his words, staring at Monami. He had carried her back to her room, gently placing her on the bed and then settling on the floor. He had babbled more random things in those few minutes than he had done in years.

But it seemed to be successful. Monami's eyes had stayed on him, listening quietly. They were focused. Unlike the glazy, unseeing gaze that she was seeing with when he found her in the hallway.

Her eyes had slid close again, and her breathing had evened out. There was so much he wanted to know. What had happened that had shook her so much? She wasn't fine. He could see it since morning. But he had already gotten a taste of her reaction when she was pushed too much. He didn't think that was something that would have made her better. And so, he had let it go. Perhaps, he should have kept an eye out on her.

It had scared him. Seeing her like that. Sobbing, out of her senses. What had she seen that rattled her so much? What had happened? What was the source of her trauma? What did she see in her nightmares? So many questions that he didn't know the answer to.

"Mumma", she murmured. He looked up at her. Something clutched his hands. He looked down at it, and then up at her. He ran a hand through her hair soothingly. "Bh-Bhaiya", she gasped out. He froze.

She was dreaming about his brother? Why? What had happened? He needed to know. His brother couldn't have left without good reason. He needed to know the reason. What had been the circumstances of Juhi's death? What was Mission Pari about? Where did Monami fit in all this? Was his brother leaving part of the mission and he couldn't tell them about it? Was that it? That sounded like his brother. Their nation before everything. That had to be it.

He looked at her. She had settled down again in her sleep, the creased eyebrows replaced by a peaceful expression. He exhaled slightly. He stood up from the floor, walking over to Sanju's bed. He shouldn't leave her alone. He hesitated, sitting on it. It wouldn't make her uncomfortable when she woke up, would it?

They were ample space apart, he decided. On the two different sides of the room, and even if he stretched his hand out, he wouldn't be able to touch even the frame of her bed. He laid down, closing his eyes. Sleep came easy, owing to the late hour.

He woke to heavy breathing. For a moment, it confused him. Faizi's light snores were a constant lullaby that he had gotten accustomed to, but he never breathed like that. He looked over. It struck him. He was in Monami's room. He sat up.

She was clutching the blankets close, curled up and her uneven, heavy breathing filled the quiet room. He glanced at the time. It was almost 4 in the morning. He walked closer to her, sitting back down on the floor next to her. Up close, he could see the sweat that covered her, sticking the clothes she wore closer to her.

"Monami", he said gently, running a hand through her open hair. It had seemed to soothe her. She let out a whimper. "It's okay. You are okay. You are safe. It is just a dream, Monami."

Her body turned to him, rolling closer, and he kept a hand on her shoulder quickly before she could roll off the edge. Light whimpers escaped her, and he glanced down at his left hand that she had gripped tightly. She clutched it close, almost hugging it. He kept his right hand on her hair, gently muttering comforting words.

Her eyes snapped open. He was taken aback. They were filled with pure, unadulterated fear.

'Har raat, main apni zindagi ka sabse bura time dekhti hoon. Dobara. I live through it over and over and over again.'

Her eyes welled with tears. She pulled away from him, and he let his hands fall back down. She covered her face with her hands, her shoulders shaking slightly.

"Monami", he said, holding out a glass of water. "Yeh lo."

She sat up, but shook her head at the offer. He kept the glass aside. He sat down in front of her, gently touching her arm. She didn't pull away. He ran her arm up and down her arm. It was a couple of minutes later that she finally looked up at him. "I am... I am s-sorry", she choked out.

He shook his head. He gently cupped her cheeks, tilting her head to make her stare into his eyes. "Kabhi bhi iss cheez ke liye sorry bolne ki koi zaroorat nahi hai." His tone was firm but gentle. "Tum theek ho?"

She stared into his eyes. She broke into sobs, throwing herself in his arms. He froze. Her arms snaked around his torso, her head over his heart as she wailed. He took a deep breath. He gently wrapped an arm around her waist, patting her hair with the other hand. He closed his eyes, stroking her head in comfort.