Chapter 46

CHAPTER 46

HAPPY DIWALI

The door opened. Karan smiled slightly at Monami, and she smiled back, stepping aside to let him in. "H-Happy D-Diwali", she said.

"Same to you", he said. "Main actually tumse kuchh puchhne aaya tha." She nodded, staring at him expectantly. "Aaj Diwali hai. Academy mein celebration toh hoti hai, par... mere ghar par hum Diwali ki pooja karenge. Faizi aur Sanju bhi aayenge. Tum bhi aa jao."

Her smile faded. "Aa-Aapke gh-ghar par?"

He nodded. "Meri Bhabhi bahut achha khaana bhi banaati hai", he threw in jokingly. He stared at her hopefully.

Her smile didn't return, as he had hoped. "N-Nahi... p-pooja toh y-yahan bhi h-hogi. Aur y-yahan bhi c-celebrate h-hoga. Aap... aapka f-family time hai, I d-don't w-want to in-intrude."

"No, tum... tum intrude nahi karogi. Main offer nahi karta, if that was the case."

"W-Wahan naye l-log bhi i-itne s-saare honge." She shook her head. "N-Nahi."

Karan stared at her. "Asli reason kya hai?" He asked. She glanced away. "Yeh sab bahaane hain. What's the real reason?"

Her jaw clenched slightly. Her eyebrows furrowed into a slight scowl. "The r-real r-reason is ki m-mujhe aa-aapke bh-bhaiya se n-nahi m-milna hai. I d-don't w-want to see h-him."

His eyebrows furrowed. He stared at her, opening his mouth. He closed it, before opening it again. "Kya chal raha hai yeh?" He broke finally. "Tumhaara aur Bhaiya ka kya connection hai? Aur Bhaiya se puchhne ke liye mat kehna. Main tumse puchh raha hoon."

She shook her head. Her hands fisted the bed sheet tightly, her head turning away from him. "M-Mujhe k-koi baat n-nahi k-karni hai iss b-baare mein."

"Monami... tum mujhe itna badha shock dekar maun vrat nahi rakh sakti ho. That's not fair", he snapped. "I asked Siddharth aur usne bhi mujhe bahut clear answer nahi diya. He said ki Bhaiya aur tumhaari Mumma ek saath kaam karte the. He said... ki tum dono aur Bhaiya close the aur Juhi ma'am ki shaheedi ke baad, Bhaiya turned his back on you guys."

"So, aa-aapko p-pata hai. Aur kya jaanna hai?" She snapped, her gaze snapping up to meet his. He almost faltered, seeing the furious tears that had welled up in her eyes. Her jaw clenched tighter, and her gaze bore into his in a glare.

He shook his head slightly. "Monami, I am not stupid", he said quietly. "Mujhe pata hai itna simple nahi hai yeh. Agar Bhaiya gaye the, toh there must be a reason. I know him. There is more to it." He stepped closer to her, gently touching her shoulders. "Bahut saare questions hain jinke answers yeh explanation nahi de sakta hai. Monami... kya hua tha?" He asked softly.

She pushed his hands away, standing up and moving away from him. She stared at him with teary eyes. "Mujhe aapko yeh sab bataane mein koi interest nahi hai. Mera past, mera trauma... I relive it enough", she lashed out. "Har raat, main apni zindagi ka sabse bura time dekhti hoon. Dobara. I live through it over and over and over again. And aapke Bhaiya ke baare mein sochkar bhi mujhe woh time yaad aata hai, jo mujhe kabhi nahi yaad karna dobara. Agar aapko sach mein jawaab chahiye, toh you have come to the wrong person. Aap jaaiye, aur apne Bhaiya se puchhiye. Ask him if he remembers ki meri Mumma kaise shaheed hue the. Ask him if he remembers ki Mission Pari kya tha. And ask him if he has caught the people jinhone meri Mumma ko maara tha."

She turned away, her hands lifting to swipe at her wet face. Karan grabbed her arm. He turned her around to face him gently. Her gaze lifted again to meet his. "Monami..." He stared at her reddening eyes. She lifted a slightly trembling hand again, brushing more of tears away from her raw face. "I am sorry", he said softly. "I..." He sighed a little. "Main tumhe... tumhe hurt nahi karna chahta tha. I am sorry."

She shook her head, taking another step back. His hand fell back down. "Yeh tears... yeh aapke hurt karne se nahi hai. Yeh kisi aur ke hurt karne se hai. Toh aa-aapko sorry bolne ki koi zaroorat nahi hai."

"Bhaiya ke jaane se?" He asked. "Tum... tum naraaz ho unke jaane se?"

She shook her head. "Nahi", she said softly. "Jab... Jab Mumma shaheed hue the, na, tab mere P-Papa bhi m-mujhe ch-chodkar chale g-gaye the. Not... not ph-physically. But... but m-mentally. Aapke Bhaiya toh phir mere kuchh l-lagte bhi nahi the. Main aapke Bh-Bhaiya se n-naraaz nahi hoon, par jo answers aapko ch-chahiye, woh m-mujhse better aa-aapke Bhaiya bata sakte hain." She took a deep breath, closing her eyes. "I am sorry for sh-shouting at you." She took another step back. "Happy Diwali."

Karan stared at her as she strode off, her shoulders shaking slightly with silent sobs. He closed his eyes, hitting his forehead with his fist lightly. He looked at the door, sighing.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

"Sir ji, aapki shakal kaahe ke laane utri hui hogo?" Sanju asked.

Karan looked at her and then back out. "Kuchh nahi", he said quietly.

'Har raat... main apni zindagi ka sabse bura time dekhti hoon. Dobara. I live through it over and over and over again.'

'Ask him if he remembers ki meri Mumma kaise shaheed hue the. Ask him if he remembers ki Mission Pari kya tha. And ask him if he has caught the people jinhone meri Mumma ko maara tha.'

'Mission Pari', he thought.

'Aise kaunse mission par kaam kar rahe ho aap?' A 19 year old Karan complained. 'Jab se aaya hoon, dhang se dekha bhi nahi mujhe.'

Param tilted his head slightly, looking past the laptop on his lap. He smiled slightly. 'Bahut badha mission hai, Chhote', he said. 'Mission Pari.'

'Karan', Barkha said, walking out. 'Rehne do tum. Yeh toh ek mahine se bas iss mission ke baare mein hi sochte hain.'

'Aisa kya hai iss mission mein?' Karan asked in interest.

'Confidential hai', he said. 'Bas yeh samajh le, agar yeh mission ho gaya... it would be a very, very big victory.'

'Badha mission', he thought. 'Yeh woh hi mission hai, na? Mission Pari?' He closed his eyes in thought. 'Kuchh aur kaha tha kya iss mission ke baare mein?' He shook his head slightly. 'Itne time pehle ka toh dhang se yaad bhi nahi ab.'

The car stopped and the three got down, closing the doors. "Karan", Faizi said, halting him before he could enter. Sanju paused slightly, looking between the two before going into the house.

"Kya hua?" He asked.

"Karan... hume pata hai tum Bhaiya se Monami ke baare mein puchhna chahte ho", Faizi said. "Hume nahi lagta yeh koi aisa topic hai jiske baare mein Bhaiya baat karke bahut khush honge. Aaj Diwali hai. Aaj yeh sab baatein karke mood mat kharaab kar lena. Tumhaara bhi hoga aur Bhaiya ka bhi."

Karan nodded slightly. 'Sahi hi keh raha hai yeh', he thought, following him in. 'Monami ko toh already aaj rula diya maine. Aaj iske baare mein puchhunga, toh kahin Bhaiya ka mood bhi naa kharaab ho jaaye.' He shook his head. 'Aaj nahi.'

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Sid adjusted the sleeve of his kurta, running a hand through his hair. He sat down on his bed. He pulled open a drawer, pushing aside the papers to reveal a photo frame. He pulled it out. It was of his mother and Juhi, perhaps a little time before he was born. The two women stared happily into the camera, beautiful smiles on their faces.

His lips twitched up slightly. He barely remembered his mother now, let alone the two together but the bond between the two women was heard in the reverence with which Juhi talked of her. His smile faded. Another Diwali without the two.

He kept it back, picking up another one. His smile returned. It was a picture of him and Monami, long back. It was Diwali and she had a bowl of kheer in her hands, eating and beaming happily at the camera. He was standing behind her, considerably taller, leaning on her shoulders and grinning at the camera.

The two of them might not have changed all that much but everything around them had. Relationships, people. He kept the photo back, standing up.

The Diwali party was much like other years but he didn't find himself enjoying it all that much. If Bala was there, he would be raving about the plush decoration. If Monami was there, she would be drooling over the food. If Chitra was there, she would be roaming around, looking for the best places for pictures. He found that he missed them.

"Kya baat hai?" A familiar voice said. He looked up. His jaw clenching slightly. Dr. Deepak Mahajan. "Aaj party king party nahi kar raha?"

He looked down at his glass. "Monu nahi hai", he said. "Isliye bore ho raha hoon."

Deepak scoffed slightly. "Woh kaunsa kabhi bhi party mein aati thi?" He asked.

Sid looked at him. "Haan, par hoti toh thi, na, yahan?" He said. "And mujhe uske hone naa hone se farak padta hai. Shayad aapko nahi padta hoga." He straightened up, walking past him.

"Tu kehna kya chahta hai, Sid?" He asked, halting him.

Sid turned to face him. "Uncle, mujhe pata aapko pata hai ki Monu kyun nahi aayi hai. Aapne usse kaha ki aap uski shakal bhi nahi dekhna chahte ho. Ab woh aapse baat nahi karna chahti hai."

"Main kabhi nahi accept karunga uski yeh choice", he hissed.

He sighed. He stared at him for a few, silent seconds. "Agar aaj Juhi Aunty zinda hote, na, Uncle, toh woh aapse nafrat karte", he said quietly. Deepak's gaze snapped to him, agony flooding in his eyes. "Monu aapko kitna bhi pyaar karna chaahe, jitna hurt aapne use kara hai, na, uss hurt ko woh poori zindagi nahi bhoolegi." He took a step closer. "Uncle... Juhi Aunty aur Monu mere liye kya hain, woh aap bhi jaante hain. Main bhi Monu ko protect karna chahta hoon. Par uske sapnon ki jaan lene ko use protect karna nahi, use aur torture karna hai. Congratulations, Dr. Deepak Mahajan, aap jis cheez se apni beti ko protect karna chahte hain, aap woh khud hi kar rahe hain."

Deepak stared after him as he walked away, uncharacteristically quiet and bitter. The words seemed like a gunshot, loud and deafening. The sharp pain came after a second, and the tears welled up in his eyes.

'Agar aaj Juhi Aunty zinda hote, na, Uncle, toh woh aapse nafrat karte.'

'Congratulations, Dr. Deepak Mahajan, aap jis cheez se apni beti ko protect karna chahte hain, aap woh khud hi kar rahe hain.'

"Dr. Mahajan", a voice said, and he looked up numbly. "Happy Diwali!"

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

'Mujhe aapko yeh sab bataane mein koi interest nahi hai. Mera past, mera trauma... I relive it enough.'

Monami nervously smoothed the skirt of her lehenga. 'I hope Karan Sir mujhse naraaz naa ho', she thought, walking into the hall where the pooja would be. It was decorated, diyas lighting up the place. 'Kya karti hai tu, Monu? Chup chaap koi bahaana banaakar nikal leti. Kyun suna diya tune unhe? Tera kitna khayal rakhte hain woh. Aur tu unhi par bhadak gayi.' She sighed.

Karan adjusted the sleeve of his kurta. 'Agar Batra Sir aur ma'am nahi bolte, toh ghar par hi rehta', he thought. 'At least, aaj Bhaiya bhi aayenge.' He paused, smiling slightly. 'Kitne saal baad waise hi Diwali celebrate karenge, jaise pehle karte the. Sab ek saath. Bhabhi aur Baby se pehle toh bas hum chaar hi hote the. Unconventional hi sahi, par family hi thi. Ab chaar hi jagah, chhe log ho gaye.'

'And aapke Bhaiya ke baare mein sochkar bhi mujhe woh time yaad aata hai, jo mujhe kabhi nahi yaad karna dobara.'

His fingers paused. 'Agar Bhaiya aur Monami mile toh?' He thought. 'Bhaiya ko toh yeh bhi nahi pata ki Monami yahan hai. If I am correct aur Mission Pari hi woh mission tha jiske baare mein Bhaiya ne mujhe bataaya tha uss time, toh yeh baat 9-10 saal puraani hai. Bhaiya Monami ko pehchaanege? Kya aisa ho sakta hai ki shayad... Monami aur Siddharth ko sab kuchh naa pata ho. Unke milne se shayad... misunderstandings clear ho jaaye. Yeh misunderstandings hai ya difference of opinions?'

"Janaab", Faizi said. He turned around. Faizi raised an eyebrow. "Kis soch mein padh gaye?"

Karan shook his head. "Kuchh nahi. Chalein?"

Faizi nodded. "Bhaiya Bhabhi bhi aane waale honge?" He asked, as they walked out. Karan nodded. "Karan..." He looked at him. "Kya hua hai?"

He shook his head again. "Kuchh nahi."

"Monami aur Bhaiya waali baat ko lekar upset ho?" He asked.

"Upset nahi hoon, bas... soch raha hoon", Karan said. Faizi flicked his eyebrows up in question. "Main Bhaiya ko jaanta hoon. Woh aise hi logon ko chodkar jaane waalon mein se nahi hai. I know him. Par... main Siddharth aur Monami ko bhi thoda bahut samajhne laga hoon. Unhe doosron ko point of view samajh aata hai. Toh... kaun sahi, kaun galat? Ya... yeh sab misunderstandings par based hai?"

Faizi kept a hand on his shoulder, halting him from entering the hall. "Karan... hume jitna bhi sunkar samajh aaya, hume lagta hai ki yeh sab tab hua jab Monami ki Maa shaheed hue. Bhaiya unse close the, Sid aur Monami obviously bahut close the. They were grieving. Tum yeh expect nahi kar sakte ki woh teenon bahut rationally aur logically soch rahe honge, understanding honge, doosron ka point samajhne ke mind-set mein honge. Bhaiya bhi grieve kar rahe honge. Ho sakta hai he couldn't take it. Ho sakta hai bahut zyaada push naa laga ho Bhaiya ko jaane ke liye."

Karan shook his head. "Nahi. Shayad... Monami aur Siddharth ke liye yeh baat sahi hai, par... Bhaiya ke liye? He is very rationale even in grief. Jab humne apni Mom ko khoya tha, tab-"

"Tab Bhaiya ke paas aur koi option nahi tha apne emotions ko side rakhne ke alaawa", he interjected gently. "Tum 2 saal ke the, Karan. You both didn't have anywhere else to go. He had to be rational. He was the one who was responsible for you. Unke liye grief ek luxury thi. Par Monami ke saath uske Papa the, Siddharth tha, uski family thi. He didn't have the responsibility of a child. He could grieve then." Karan nodded slightly, mulling over his words. "Dekho, Karan, this is a round and round thing. Kitna bhi soch lo, tum kisi bhi conclusion par nahi pahunchoge, jab tak inn teenon mein se koi tumhe kuchh nahi bataata hai. Behtar yeh hi hai ki jab tak tumhe Bhaiya se baat karne ka chance nahi milta, yeh sab side par rakho aur relax karo. Mission mein kam tension nahi hai."

Karan nodded. "Haan", he muttered. "Theek hai."

Faizi smiled. "Waise... aaj Diwali hai. Sab dressed up honge." Karan's eyebrows furrowed slightly and he nodded slowly, unsure where he was heading. "Monami bhi."

He rolled his eyes. "Tu kya kehna chahta hai?"

"Kuchh nahi", he said simply. He smiled at him, before walking in.

Karan shook his head slightly. He took a deep breath, pushing away the questions and attempting to stop his brain from trying to make bridges with the information. 'Diwali hai', he thought. 'Relax karte hain aaj. Kal se toh kaam hi karna. Yeh sab ab kal sochenge.'

He walked into the mostly filled hall. He glanced around, gaze searching for Monami. Did she not come? A hesitant tap on his shoulder made him turn around. Monami.

His breath caught slightly. She wore a simple pink lehenga, her hair falling in open waves. His eyes traced her over. The choli hugged her upper body, the skirt below loose and slightly pleated. The dupatta ran across her stomach, the sheer cloth hinting at the strip of bare skin underneath. She looked... really pretty.

"Hi", her voice snapped him out of his trance. He blinked a couple of times. He glanced away, taking a breath that he had somehow missed. "I... I am s-sorry."

He mentally shook himself. 'Get a grip', he scolded himself. His eyebrows furrowed as he registered the words a beat later. "Sorry? Kyun?"

"S-Subah ke l-liye", she muttered. She smoothed the lehenga out.

He shook his head. "Sorry bolne ki zaroorat nahi hai. Tumhe iss sab ke baare mein baat nahi karni hai, toh main dobara nahi puchhunga."

"Th-Thank you", she murmured.

He glanced her over again. "Waise... kaafi... alag lag rahi ho."

She gazed up at him. Her eyebrows furrowed slightly, and she eyed him. "Alag? Ya... a-achhi?" She asked.

He looked away. "Haan, woh hi."

A small smile appeared on her face. "Aa-Aap bhi", she said, chuckling.

"Kya?" He asked.

"Woh hi", she said, her smile widening. She pointed behind him. "P-Pooja ka t-time ho r-raha hai."

Karan turned around, watching her walk closer to the front. He shook his head in disbelief, a small smile spreading on his face.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Param gazed around the academy. It was still a tad overwhelming to be back in the halls but the more he thought about the offer, the more it appealed to him and the more his nervousness about the academy turned into hopeful excitement.

The pooja was done and most of the agents and people had dispersed around- mostly enjoying the company of each other but some roamed outside, admiring the decoration and the lit up academy. There were a few family members- not all that much- and it lit up the academy with talking and laughter.

He roamed around the decorated halls idly. He tilted his head back, gazing at the ceiling of a hall. It was repainted from six years ago. There were pictures painted on, of soldiers and agents and the looming tricolour beside it.

A gentle shove made him stumble back. "Sorry", a voice squeaked sheepishly. "Aa-Aapko..." He looked up.

His eyes widened. He stared at the wide eyed girl. Was that... Monami? He tilted his head, studying her features with a disbelieving happiness. "Monami?" The name slipped out.

She looked... different. So, so different. But the good kind. The pale skin from the last time he saw her had coloured into a healthier glow. Her gaze, too fearful before to gaze at anyone now met his eyes. And... did she just speak to him? That was her voice, wasn't it? And... And she was here? Was she a special agent now? A cadet, perhaps? His eyes welled up.

She took a step back. And then another and another. She turned around, running off.

He opened his mouth. He couldn't quite get the words past the lump in his throat. He stumbled back slightly, leaning against the wall. Monami was here. How many nights had he laid awake, staring at the ceiling, thinking about where she was? Was... Was Sid here too? Were the two still attached to the hip, still cared just as much about each other? How did he look now?

He closed his eyes, a smile spreading on his face. It was indeed a happy Diwali to him.

---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---x---

Monami pushed the door close behind her, her tears blurring her vision. She saw him. Param Shergill. Her legs trembled slightly. She barely registered the sting as she fell to her knees. She clutched the sheet on her bed tightly, the face she saw mere minutes ago a permanent image in front of her.

'Tumhaari wajah se yeh sab kuchh hua hai', Deepak gritted out. 'You and YOUR BLOODY MISSION!' Monami stared down from the first floor. 'Aaj ke baad, tum sab soldiers mere ghar ke aas paas bhi mat dikhna. I will file an official complaint. I don't ever want to see your faces again.'

Param's gaze snapped to him. 'Sir', he said in disbelief. 'You can't expect me ki main Monami aur Sid ko aise hi chodhkar chala jaunga. Maine Juhi ma'am se promise kara tha ki agar kabhi unhe kuchh hua, toh main unn dono ke liye hamesha rahunga.'

'You don't need to', Deepak said. 'Tum soldiers ke saath mujhe aur mere beti ko koi association nahi rakhna.'

Param stared at the ground for a few silent seconds. He looked up. 'Sir... Juhi ma'am aapki wife thi, and I understand ki aap kya feel kar rahe ho. Main ek shaheed ka beta hoon. Jis situation mein aaj aap hain, uss situation mein ek baar meri Maa thi. Jis situation mein Monami hai, uss situation mein main tha. I know how you feel. But... aapki wife meri commander thi. I cared about her too. Maine unse ek promise kiya tha and I want to honour that promise.'

Monami walked down the stairs hesitantly. She poked her father's back hesitantly, stepping away when he turned around. 'Monami', he said gently. 'Baccha, kya hua? Tujhe kuchh chahiye?' She pointed to Param and then to the ground. Deepak stared at her. He took a deep breath. 'Fine', he said. He glared at Param. 'But sirf isliye kyunki Monami chahti hai.'

She felt a sob tear through her body. She closed her eyes. Everything had changed since then. The tenderness her father addressed her with had changed to harsh controlling. The promise Param had made to her mother had burned to ashes. And her want to have Param close had turned to him being another symbol of abandonment that pushed her lowest point lower.

The memories played like a torturing slide show. She wasn't sure which ones were more unwelcomed. The good ones or the bad ones. What should she remember when she thought of Param? The kind mentorship he offered her or the fact that he never even said goodbye to her before walking out of her life? The treats he used to bring her every time he would visit or the endless hours of waiting in hopes he would return? For how many months did the doorbell ignite a hope?

Sid never understood why he left. In all these years, he never had an explanation. She did. She never shared it, never had the guts to say the words out loud in fear that they were true but the thought always stuck to the back of her mind. He had left because of her. He had left because he didn't want to see the pitiful weak girl. Juhi's daughter- the person whose bravery and aura and fierceness was idolized- couldn't be so weak, could she? No. He didn't want to taint her mother's memory with the frail legacy that was her. He left because she was too weak.

She opened her eyes. She stood up. She walked to the window, sitting down on the small slab, staring up at the fireworks that lit up in the sky. And so, on the festival of lights, she sat alone, shrouded in darkness. Irony seemed to find its place in her life.