Chapter 17

3 years ago

twerping

@twerping

The encounter at the clinic had certainly helped Raman decide what his course of action should be when it came to Ishita Iyer. Never one to voice apologies easily, his parting words had come from an emotion he'd thought he had buried along with his love for Shagun--contrition.  

However, the encounter at the clinic had failed to impact Ishita, who had been living in torment since Holi. Remorse and guilt ate away at her leaving her more restless than ever. She had initially found it difficult to meet the eyes of her in-laws. Even her mother-in-law's taunts seemed to carry special weight now in light of her fall. What if someone had seen her with Raman was a thought that plagued her, tainting her days with poisonous anxiety. The horror of being exposed before the Iyers turned into nightmares that visited her in sleep and wakefulness.

"Ishu, bring the milk," Vandita repeated from the dining table one morning a week after Holi. 

Starting at last at her name being called out, Ishita looked up. It was clear from the confusion on her face she had not heard the last two times Vandita had called out. Colouring, Ishita stumbled towards the dining table, clutching the glass of milk. 

"Sorry," she rasped out as Vandita pushed the glass towards Shravan who had finished his bread and jam. 

Vandita looked at her sister-in-law, pondering whether to ask her if anything was wrong between Subbu and her. The dark shadows under Ishu's eyes belied the smile she wore on her face. Vandita had long realised her brother-in-law and Ishita had hit a wall in their marriage. However, she felt helpless as there seemed no possible way out for the two of them from this quagmire that life had thrown them in. So instead of asking Ishita how she was doing, Vandita tried to lighten the mood.

"So how is Nina doing? Has she found her sugar daddy yet?" she whispered, one eye on Shravan who was furiously colouring away in his drawing pad. 

Ishita smiled at her words and Vandita relaxed as the two launched into an inconsequential conversation. As long as Ishu was smiling, Vandita could pretend things were fine.

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A couple of days later it was Nina who tried to break Ishita's silence. 

"What is it Ishu? You look like you've got something on your mind." The two were having coffee while waiting for their shift to get over. The morning crowd had wound down and the lobby lay empty of patients. 

"You don't need to look at me like that. I wouldn't have had to ask if you would only open up a bit." She added as Ishita glared at her. 

"Everything is absolutely fine. Why would you even ask?" Ishita's reply had an unusual sharpness to it. 

"Right and our HR manager is Mother Teresa in disguise." Nina quipped slurping on her coffee. 

Ishita smiled back weakly. 

"How did she take to Raman Bhalla stepping inside her office in the middle of one of her tirades?" Nina's eyes gleamed.

"You sent him there?" Ishita had to ask, surprise breaking through the fugue of anxiety that had become her constant companion over the past week. 

"Who else?" Nina dipped her head in a pretend bow. 

"But how...?" Ishita had to wonder. Would he have gone to help her out?

"Never ask a magician the tricks of the trade!" Nina smirked.

At another time, Ishita might have spent more time trying to decipher Raman's behaviour but her heart was shred to pieces with the mental stress she had put herself through over the past few days. The momentary shine in her eyes dropped away and Nina noticed the shadow across her friend's face.

Reaching out a hand to rest on Ishita's, Nina spoke softly with a sincerity in her words not usually apparent. "Ishu, if you ever find you need to run away, I will get you the ticket."

If there was an escape, Ishita did not see where it lay. 

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A few days later, one night after dinner as Ishita cleared up the kitchen, Subbu walked in. He stopped before the fridge to take out a bottle of water. 

Ishita felt his presence behind her. Did he have something to say, she wondered. Had someone told him something? Had he finally come to confront her?

"Be ready tomorrow evening," Subbu said. "Company dinner at 8."

By the time Ishita had dried her hands and turned around, Subbu was gone. As she tiptoed into bed that night, his soft snores announced his state of slumber. 

The stress had grown to the point where Ishita felt she barely recognised herself anymore. She had never been the type to hide behind lies. She was in the wrong and that could not bring herself to come clean to those she considered family was eating away at her from within. She went through the day, her mind and heart at war, hardly knowing what she was doing. The force of habit alone saw her through. 

As Ishita walked back to their apartment building after parking the car the afternoon before the company dinner, her brooding was shattered by her name being called out. 

"Ishita aunty!"

Ishita looked up to see Ruhi waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs. She had dropped off the kids in front of their building before driving to the parking section to park her car. Tired and hungry after a day at school, all the kids had rushed home. Ruhi however still lingered. The end of the pinafore of her uniform was scrunched up in one tiny fist. The girl seemed to be disturbed about something.

"Ruhi, you didn't go home?" Ishita called out. Ruhi had been quiet on the way home. Ishita would have caught on much sooner that something was wrong had she not been preoccupied with her own worries.

Ruhi took her hand and pulled her towards one of the benches that lined both sides of the avenue running through the complex. Once Ishita had sat down on the bench, Ruhi clambered up. Her eyes had such concern in them that made Ishita's heart clench. The girl stood on the bench and then bending down, reached out a hand and placed it on her forehead.

"You don't have fever," Ruhi spoke softly. "Is your chest paining?" 

Ishita tried to blink away the tears. She couldn't remember the last time someone had placed their palm on her forehead to test her temperature. She shook her head as she smiled through the tears that could not be willed away. 

Ruhi leaned towards her and placing her tiny hands around Ishita, enveloped her in a hug. 

"When Papa has pain in the chest, he tells me to hug him," Ruhi said as she rested her little head against Ishita's shoulder. Ishita basked in that embrace for a few moments before Ruhi let her go. 

"You feel better now Ishita aunty?" Ruhi asked, the worry still not quite gone from her eyes. 

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Despite her misgivings about attending a party with Subbu, Ishita put on a brave face as she allowed Vandita to add the final touches to her makeup. She wanted to talk to Subbu about something tonight and hoped the evening's entertainments would make him more amenable to a conversation with her. Her appearance would go unnoticed by him, she knew but if she did not make an effort, experience told her he would take it as an insult. 

Vandita gave a final pinch on the spot where Ishita's cheek dimpled. "Now go set fire to that company dinner, Ishu!"

"Vandu, can I ask you something?" Ishita decided to broach the subject to Vandita once before talking to Subbu about it. 

"Yes, of course, Ishu!" Vandita sat down on the couch, trying not to show the uneasiness in her heart on her face.

"I was thinking can't Subbu and I try adopting a child?" Ishita stumbled through the words, heart heavy with anxious anticipation over how her sister-in-law would react to this.

"Ishu!" Vandita said a smile blooming on her face before quickly disappearing. She had suddenly remembered something her mother-in-law had once said about children put up for adoption. Will this be the solution to Ishu and Subbu's tribulations or would it only make matters worse?

Before she could say anything, they both heard a noise and turned towards the door. Subbu stood there, eyes narrowed at Ishita. 

"Let's go," he spoke.

Had he heard Ishu, Vandita pondered as she stood on their balcony watching Subbu's car disappear around the gate of their society.

Ishita too was left worrying over whether Subbu had heard her for much of the evening. The car ride had been silent. She had tried to speak but Subbu had switched on the radio and so they had sat listening to ads and traffic reports. 

Once at the party, Subbu had focused on networking. She had been introduced to some of his associates, his team manager and one of the members of the board of directors. Their wives were all present and had welcomed her with smiles. The ladies soon settled down in their own corner chitchatting about the lack of vacations, Delhi weather, some of the latest art exhibitions and fashion shows they may or may not have visited, and so on. The conversation was so diverting that despite the thousand worries weighing her down, Ishita began to enjoy herself.

Subramaniam Iyer nodded along to what Mr. Thakker was saying even as his eyes rested on his wife. Surrounded by the dressed to the nines society ladies, Ishita still dazzled. He tried to keep the anger roiling within him in check. For Subbu had heard what Ishita had shared with Vandita and it only made his growing disgust and hatred for his wife sharpen.

The day Subramaniam Iyer first laid eyes on his to-be wife, the thought that had flashed through his very being was that she was beautiful. He had been prepared to find a traditional girl who would make him happy. His mother had found the match and by all appearances, she was from a household befitting their own but to him, she also appeared sinfully delectable. Even as his parents had voiced their agreement to the match, he found himself wondering whether such a girl would make a good wife. That she must have had her fair share of admirers in the past was an assumption that he made almost instantly. Unconsciously, this gave birth to a seed of doubt over her character that only hardened over time. 

Raised as the younger son, pampered, and made to believe that he deserved the world, Subramaniam took Ishita's coming into his life for granted. That his parents would find him an attractive wife was a matter of course and he never thought twice over any of the million ways in which Ishita adjusted to his family, made them accept her, and worked herself into the very fabric of her new family. After all, he had seen his sister-in-law do the same and thought this was only to be expected. 

As Ishita's father passed away, Subramaniam felt she would have nothing holding her back from becoming an Iyer fully now. Once she became a mother his family would be complete. And that was where his plans for himself hit a snag. Ishita failed to deliver quite literally. Initially, they saw doctors in the hope that a solution might be found. However, when the solutions offered began to hold rather bleak promises, Subramaniam Iyer developed the first tendril of resentment towards his wife. With the taunts offered towards Ishita by his mother and his relatives, this resentment took root until he really began to believe that Ishita had fooled him, hoodwinked him into a marriage without any promise of fulfillment. Had their family not been so firmly resolved against the idea of a divorce, he would have thrown this woman out of his life.

And yet she appeared as charming as ever. Every morning, he found himself aroused seeing her as she got ready for the day, fresh from her early morning bath. He would watch the droplets of water crawling down her back, her neck, her loosely arranged hair, torn between hating her and wanting her beneath him that very moment. His own desire for her turned quite cancerous entangled as it was with his hatred. It felt to him like he was sentenced to death by a thousand cuts surrounded as he was with her presence. 

It was toxic to see her look so dewy fresh when he returned from work all tired. When she dressed up and suddenly turned into something other than the domestic girl the family had come to terms with, he wanted to rip apart her mask and reveal her true self. And when she shone with that poisonous beauty of hers despite not making the effort to even dress up, he still hated her with steadfastness. His doubt over her character had turned into belief. And today when he heard her talk of adoption, firmly opposed as he was to the very idea of calling some child of unknown parentage his own, it seemed as if she wanted to taint his entire family with her corruption.

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Ishita stared at the apartment door that had just been shut on her face. She was still shaking after what had happened only moments ago. The evening had all at once spiraled into a nightmare and she barely could make sense of what had transpired.

She had been talking with the ladies at the party when one of Subbu's colleagues offered to bring her something to eat. She politely declined his offer but decided to try something since she was feeling slightly peckish. The gentleman accompanied her and she went to the buffet area while talking to him when suddenly she felt someone grab her hand. Gasping she looked up to see Subbu. 

"Don't make a scene and come with me," he whispered to her grimly. Then turning to the man, he mouthed out, "Family emergency" before pulling her away. Confused Ishita followed him out without resistance. They were soon in the car and Subbu was driving them back. He drove rashly, turning sharp corners and overtaking cars. By the time they reached Mayur Vihar, Ishita realised that she would not have the conversation she wanted with Subbu that night. However, the conversation that did await her she was not prepared for. 

How did he even bear to stay with her under the same roof, Ishita thought as she slowly walked towards the lift. How did he stand to share a bed with her all these years, even make love to her? Ishita tried to stop her hand from shaking as she pressed the button for the lift floor. As the lift descended, she thought back on the words he had thrown at her. 

Did he really think she was unclean from within? What taint did he see in her? That her very character was one that disgusted him! Had he seen her with his colleague and come to his own assumptions? This was his opinion of her? This was his opinion of her without even knowing of the kiss she had shared with Raman Kumar Bhalla. 

"Step inside only when you think you can behave in a way that befits this family. Or stay out." 

Subbu had thrown those words before entering the apartment and slamming the door in her face. Words that were at the same time meaningless and loaded with meaning. Was the idea of adopting a child truly such a shattering thing for Subbu? His words while sounding strange on his lips carried a meaning that Ishita was familiar with. Raised amidst a conservative circle of relatives, despite her father's liberal outlook towards life, Ishita had heard her share of gossip and knew how society thought. 

Subbu's anger, Subbu's disgust and Subbu's desires, Ishita all at once realised she had misunderstood. Through the entire duration of their marriage, despite living with this man, he had remained a total stranger to her. A stranger who had finally bared himself before her tonight. Stepping out of the lift, Ishita thought back on the wounds he had left on her while lovemaking. Wiping away an angry tear, she thought how ridiculous that word was when applied to them. He had come to her in anger all this time, in hatred. His touches had been a testament to his disgust rather than his desire. 

Ishita had reached the car park by now and found herself standing in front of her car. Appa had bought it for her as a gift after her wedding. In this city, this car alone was her last bastion, her home. She looked back towards the dark building. Should she go back? Fingers still shaking, she slowly took the keys out of her bag. Raindrops began to fall carrying away the day's heat as Ishita drove out of the Mayur Vihar society.