Chapter 4
[MEMBERSONLY]
Hi peeps. Here is the next part. I make it as a SS coz I need to cover many things which I can't cover it in just five parts. It may hold up to eight parts including subparts. Hope you like it. Me and baby is all good and well.
I missing Swasan.. badly. Though I'm watching Tamil version of swaragini.(gangayamuna).
Love you all..
PART :- 3(B)
Nobody is gonna hit as hard as life, but it ain't how hard you can hit. It's how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. It's how much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done.
_______ Unknown.
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I walked out of the washroom, after taking a shower, wearing a jean and a sleeveless top over that one side low shouldered loose top with full sleeve. I didn't find him on bed. So he is awake now. I walked out to living room. Then to kitchen. I saw him there sitting on his knees on the floor, holding a knife on his hand against his wrist . In a pricked emotions. I don't know what to do. But I know I have to do something soon. I walked to him.
"Sanskaar." I said slowly not to evoke him.
"I'm sorry Swara.. I spoiled your life. I'm such a bitch. I hate myself, I do t want to live. I spoiled your life. I hate myself." He slumped in his guilt.
I slowly walked towards him, knelt before him. Taking a deep breath I scanned his face. All I can see is a sweat. All over his face. And an Anxiety.
"Why are you waiting for.?" He lifted his head.
"Go ahead. Slit your blood vessel." He looked at my eyes.. and pressed the knife a bit hard and deeper into his wrist.. ohh what I did. Seriously I didn't have enough experience to handle this situation. As for now I feel dizzy. I might lose my conscious, anytime..
I have to stop him.. "Look at me Sanskaar. How I am looking like." He bewildered. Seriously I don't have any idea why I asked him this question. It just came out of my mouth to divert him.
"What.??" He asked me.
I decided to continue with as my mind created an idea. Bingo!!!
"How do I look.?" I asked him again.
"As usual." He said.
"As usual means normal." He nodded.
"That means I was with you on my will." He started to shake in anxiety.
"No. I spoiled your life.. I spoiled your life." His screams hit the roof.
"Do you think that I'm weak to abide to your force." He lifted his head..
"I'm strong enough to pull your ribs out." I gave a punch on his chest.. bit hard one that he fall back..
"Or do you think that I'm meek to cry later.. see man I'm laughing." I sat next to him.. slowly pulled that knife from his hand.
"That was out of heat.. okay. Nothing wrong in it.. I was with you on my will. May be I needed that too." He was shocked with my revelation without a word I left the kitchen, I know he is looking at my retreating figure.
The next couple of hours he didn't show up. I walked to his room to inform about the breakfast.
I knocked the door, no response. I panicked I knocked again. I leaned on the door by screwing the lock. It was locked inside. Again I knocked.
"Sanskaar are you in there." I literally screamed.
"Yeah." His voice reached my ears feebly.
"Table is set." I said by leaning on to the door to hear him.
"I'm not feeling hungry." I don't want to disturb him I left to my room not in a mood to eat.
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I'm in the living room. Sitting on the couch and watching a movie Monumental man.. Eating fettuccine with eggplant and parmesan cheese. He walked out.
"Want some food." I asked him as he took his seat adjacent to my couch. He simply nodded.
I placed my plate on the table, walked out to get some fettuccine with eggplant.
I turned to see him as soon as I reached kitchen. His face was clear but I can see some stress waves on it. I placed the bowl of pasta in the oven for reheat. Placed it on the plate. All this while my eyes never left him. In between I felt his gaze on me too. I don't know how thinks going to get normal in between us..
I walked to him. Placed the plate on the table. He didn't even glance at me. I took my seat on the couch. Started to continue my eating.
"You cook well.." he finally spoke up. Other than I spoiled you and I hate myself. It pleasant to hear him praising me. It'll happen once in a lifetime.
"Thank you." I said , fixing my eyes on that movie which is moving like a snail.
"Where and when did you learned.?" Ohh finally he is trying to clear that awkward cloud over us.
"When I was doing tenth."
"You cook from tenth grade." He startled.
"Yeah.. what's to amuse about that.?" I was quite disappointed with the movie and him.
"I never knew about that." Ohh yeah... He is waking the beast in me..
I turned my head from the TV, towards him... "Do I ever existed for you.. before." I lost my patience..
"I'm sorry." I said by turning my face away from him.. "I'm little bit bored with this movie." I pointed the TV.
"I'm sorry. I never tried to know about you. As you and me were not in good terms."
"You know one thing Sanskaar. We must know about our enemy than our friends.. I can say I almost know everything about you." I winked at him.. he burrowed his eyes along with his brows.
"You know everything about me."
"Yeah.. I know your likes and dislikes. You love Deepeeka Padukone. I can say you're quite crazy for her." He laughed.
"Okay I accept you know about me.. I can see that well. Even you know about my likes in food." How can I say I am tagging behind him all my life.
"I learned cooking from Sujata aunty. As I loved her cooking than my mom's. She used to talk about your love for food." His face turned darker while hearing about his maa..
"I'm not a good son for her." His whisper hit my ears.. but I behaved that it didn't reach my ears..
"You know we have one thing in common." He bewildered look, he is looking very cute.. a wanting to pull his cheek, raising in me..
It's really hard for me to act that nothing is in-between us.. I get caught in the intensity that building in-between us.. it's going to be a hell of my life to hid my love for him.
"What??" He asked me as he got a long pause from me.
"Foodies.. we are foodies." I laughed.. he passed a stare.. I pulled my lips in, in means of controlling my laugh.
He turned his concentration on TV..
"I learned continental cooking from Nick." I said by taking a mouth full of pasta.
"Nick..!!"
"My boss." I spoke with pasta.. it fell on the plate.
"Ewww.. disgusting." He said.. ohh yeah Mr. The great Sanskaar Maheswari is back..
"I'm like this, love to be like this, you better used to see it often." With that I walked to kitchen by taking his plate with me. I cleaned the plate and placed it in dishwasher.
I walked and reached the hall. There he is sitting on the floor.. I walked and stood near TV..
"Do you watch this movie." I asked him.
"Yeah he said." Seeing me glancing the TV screen with such an hate. "If you want you can change." Which earn an wide grin from me.. he smiled simply.. I love that smile of him.
"Why you don't like this movie.?"
"Of course I love it. I basically love the movies which is based on real incident. I have a collection of those." I tugged a lock of hairs behind my ear..
"What's now.?" I pulled the CD from player.
"I'm in no mood to watch that movie now." I said by sitting on my knees in front of shelf. Finally got a movie.. inserted it, walked to him took my seat next to him at some distance. It's better for now..
"What movie.?" He asked me.
"Due date." I said.
"Adult movie."
"Do I look like a person who watch an adult movie." I chaffed at him.. which burned the air.. "It's a comedy movie.. stared by Robert Downey jr. And Zack. you can't find a single romantic scene in it." Turned away from him and fixed my eyes on TV.
SANSKAAR POINT OF VIEW...
I hated her, how much I can't say it in a word. Whenever I have to meet her. I felt disgusted seeing her. But today I'm feeling disgusted on me, after all what I have done to her. I spoiled her life. I hate myself. I ashamed of myself. Even though her words suppress my anger. But I can't forgive myself. She is giving me a life, a new life. I spoiled hers.
I hate myself for the situation I'm in. I hate myself for the pain I have given to my family. I hate myself for staying away from my family. I hate myself for falling in love with Kavita. The sin that I have ever done in my life. Falling for a wrong girl.
The Swara I knew was not the Swara who is in front of me now. She and I never had a good time. It was her attitude which always irked me. An attitude that she is the best around all. An attention seeker. Always do things to be praise for, everyone especially from my dad. He always compare us. And asks me to behave like her and be like her. That was the thing which inflated an anger and hater on her. Then her domain in my house. What she says everyone listen to it. She can easily get close to my papa. Which isn't an easy job not for me and my brother. She always mock me by using her power. I get angry on her. My friends used to make fun of me by calling her as my girl friend. Which I hate. My father liked her a lot even with her weird pixie.
Days passed... We grew up in between our fight. That was the day. I saved her from the street boys. I thought she'll realize that I am the one who saved her. And will behave respectful with me. I was a boy then. What a boy expect from a girl. But no. She is she. An adamant creature in the world. I loved everyone in her house even her house maid seetha aunty, I love her. But she.. no way for me.
She became worse after that. She fight with me for silly things. Then my papa scold me. She'll laugh at me. That was the day she hit me with hockey bat on my forehead her.. it needed twelve stitches to cover the hole. She came to my room. To have a pleasure in seeing me in pain. My friends teased her, I can say they crossed their limits by calling her transgender. I saw a pain in her eyes.. At that moment it gave a pleasure to watch her crying. I laughed with my friends. Later I felt a twinge in my heart for calling her like that. She have a lean frame and pixie hair cut. Everyone calls her like that.
After that she didn't show herself. Even I never got a chance to say sorry to her for that, I visited her home to fix my brothers marriage with her sister Ragini. I didn't find her their. They said she is on her school trip she'll join us before wedding.
She didn't changed not a single, frame of her changed except; I saw a fully grown woman with a kid mentality. She was hopping and running all over my house. Like before.
A day before wedding I heard my parents talk. They planned my wedding with Swara. Before that I have to find someone of my choice. That was the day I saw Kavita. In front of Swara she look soo innocent, naive and beautiful. With a girly traits. I started to tag her. She found my intention, at the day end she confronted me. I said I love her. She said she needed time. I said okay. Then after that I didn't get a chance to meet her.
Then one day I saw her in my college along with Swara.. My fights were continued with Swara. I must accept I enjoyed teasing her with my friends. It gives some ecstatic to see her pain..
With Kavita, everything was smooth. She accepted my love the very first day of her college. She asked me not to tell or to get close in front of Swara as she never allow us to get married. Days passed our love it met second anniversary. We celebrated in the park which is opposite to our college. That was the day I found unconscious Swara in the other side of park. I took her to her home. I didn't get to know what happened to her. Even I asked Kavita she said nothing important. The next week she left India. I still remember, that was the last day I saw. I carried her in my arms. I don't know why my heart felt heavy.
Me and Kavita were happy couples. Until our fourth anniversary. That was the day, everything took a turn in my life. I was waiting for Kavita in a park. But she didn't show up. Before that I felt some changes in her behavior. She stopped calling me. No messages. Even no reply messages for my message. She'll cut the call with a single word if I called her. I asked her she said family pressure, I didn't ask anything further.
A week before, I had a fight with my father. He forced me to marry Swara. I said no and I said about my love to him but he said Kavita is not a good girl. I got angry and ended up in a word war with my father and left the house for her. I stayed in my friends hostel for one week.
I get a call from my friend. He said that he saw Kavita with someone. In a restaurant. They are behaving like a couple's. I didn't believe him and I didn't visit that restaurant either. I waited for her till eight at night. But she didn't show up. I dropped at her home messaged her to meet me at the end of her street.
She came after ten minutes. And asked me not to disturb her. She found the right guy for her who is free to decide his life and make money. Not like me who is a father's puppet. I begged her not to say like that. And I told her that I'm out of my family and I won't get back to them. She said she needed money. Which I can't earn. And walked away from me and from my life. I tried to meet her but she left India with that guy. Then I never get a chance to meet her.
I turned as a alcoholic later as drugger. I can't forget her as I loved her soo much. I don't know how it is easy for her to forget me and threw me out like that. Whereas it is a impossible for me. Still I can't forget her. It's been nearly nine months.
That was the time I can't spend my life in India everything reminded me about her. I decided to leave India. I applied for a job of lab technician here in LA.
I promised my brother that I'll never end my life on my own. That keeping me alive. I took drugs and liquor more on that day. When I was hospitalized. That was the day I saw her again. With a puffy and reddened eyes. Tears stained face. She walked in with a pale skin. At that moment. I thought certainly she is here to enjoy my pain like before. I screamed at asked her not to show her face to me again. That's why I asked my brother not to inform her about my stay at LA. I don't want her to see me as a loser. Which I'm Now.
I never allowed her to get near me. I doesn't want to see her face. But she is she. She stormed in to my room. I still remember words.
"How long you know me.? I can say from my birth.. I'm not reminding you of anything other than that.. Like a daughter of your papa's friend or the girl who used to fight with you in all ways.. or the girl who gave you this.(pointing a scar on his forehead) or jiju's saali or your eternal enemy. Say me that I have never existed for you.. But not that.." then she ran away from there. Her eyes its glinted with a concern for me, for the very first time I saw it. Somewhat it soothes my slashed soul. I let her to by my side instead of chasing her away, for no reason. But I was still angry on her or myself; I yet to recognize that.
Apart from our enmity.. I admired her courage. I'm proud of her.. when I pinned her on wall placed a scissor at her throat.. "Why are you talking.? If you want to kill me go ahead.. slash my throat. Pierce this through my heart.. I'm ready to die.. but I'll never allow you to go out nor drink." This words made me to look deep into her eyes where I saw a pain in it. A pain for me. That was the day I lost to her for the very first time.
She was right I can't push everyone away from me. I needed someone, with whom I can depend on, apart from my family. With whom I can spend my times. She is the one, who Voluntarily offered herself to me. As an enemy.
"Bioscope is there not here." She pointed TV then her face. This means why are you looking at me , like that you fool. Yeah!!! this attitude, this what I was talking about. She never cared about, with whom she is dealing with. She simply give her shot and her maleficent slang, the words she used to address her thoughts were indifferent. Only she can think like that and do like that. A big chatter box. I never saw her alone not even a minute. She is always ganged with a lot of people. Who really love her. Not like me. Me the one who never had a good companions in my life. You call it as a jealous then my answer is yes. Sort of. I'm smiling now, I don't know why. .
I liked it whenever she will bring wrong flowers for me. The face expressions of her when I say the meanings of those flower was fun to watch.
My first days with her, was awful. I undergone mental traumatic situation. It was hard for me to accept the reality that my life turned upside down. In that I didn't get a chance to see her properly. Coz my mind was fixed on drugs and drinks. Later in my apartment I saw her she was sleeping on the couch. Like how kids used to sleep. Her lower body is partly on the couch whereas her chest was hanging from the couch, her head was on the pillow which is on the floor. I can't control myself I laughed and I captured that pose in my mobile. Blue Jean and a black T-shirt over her. Those pixie were gone it turned as a bob hairstyle with molten brown balayage and loosen curls on it. I can't even find that lean frame in this bubbly one. I think she must be at the margin of being obesity.
I met Pete, he gave the will to live my life. Before I lived my life on force. I must say thanks for her for introducing Pete to me. I love the chemistry in-between them. Soo much courage he possess.
It's a good feel when you have someone, who really want to be good in your life. It was a wonder for me that, that person is my enemy. She can leave me behind can carry on her life which is lively and lovely. But she is standing behind me pushing me to the frontier to win the race. Her efforts, she used to run with me I know she hate running though she is doing for me. And put down some of her weights I can see that. But she yet to realize it. How can I forget her sleep in meditation class. She just fell in sleep how we blink our eyes. Just like that. And that snore. I loved watching her there. But they threw her out. She used to wait for me in the street. Many times I found her dancing on the street to collect money for the old man who will tune his guitar. I loved her life the way she living it. I would be happy if I get a chance be like her. Now I'm privileged to be a part of her life.
Just then my eyes fell on her left collar bone where my teeth made an imprint deep on her. It is deep red and fresh I felt guilt for spoiling her. I lowered my head.
"What's now.?." She asked me by crunching some nachos.
I pointed her collar bone.. she caressed it since her eyes can't get a glimpse of it. "I said it's okay." How it is okay for her. She was molested by me. But no. I kissed her. I thought she'll push me and allow me to drink more but no. I was wrong, instead she allowed me to kiss her. Later, I can't stop myself. Neither she. One thing is killing me. Why the hell I did this to her.? When I hate her.
I can't hide one thing, that is, I'm attracted towards her with the each passing day and minutes. Her efforts to cure me, her lively life and her carefree character. I thought she is acting smart before. But actually this what she. I misunderstood her. If I ever abode to my father. She might be my wife.
"Ohh!!! Still not satisfied." Her words brought me back. I lifted my head to see her.
"Then!!! I have a solution." With that she came over me. Before I could stop her. I felt sharp pain on my left collar bone.
"Aaa." I screamed and holded her shoulder, trying to push her away. I must accept I can't. I'm soo weak.
"Please Swara it's paining." She got away from me. I looked my collar bone it was marked by her incisors and canines. I touched that mark of her. I glanced my finger which carried my blood on it.
"Soo we are equal now.. no regrets... Deal." She said casually by wiping my blood on her teeth.
"Hey.!!" Her scream made me to see her.
"You are HIV negative.. right." Seriously how I'm looking for her like a sex addict.. I frowned at her.
"Please don't mistake me.. I'm scared now. I can die on anything but with sexual disease.. eww disgusting." Seeing my anger. "I'm not meaning about that you're a sex addict. But you use injunction, drugs." She turned her face away..
"I better prepare lunch for us." She walked away from us.
I watched the movie alone. It was lite hearted movie. I laughed. We had our lunch by sitting on the floor. It was jeera rice with daal. Some tossed vegetables like zucchini carrot beans, baby potato. I loved it. More I loved her company. She is normal with after me spoiling her life. She played another movie it was animated movie. Ice age one. I loved the chemistry between Sid and Manny. She mostly relate with Sid. She almost tossed half and hour over the floor. Before fell into a deep slumber. Of course it irritated me. How did used to irritate Manny.
I don't know what I can name; what's in between us. We were enemy before. We are not friends nor enemy now. Definitely not lovers.. Coz I'm very busy in hating myself, I don't have time to love. I walked to my room leaving her sleep on the floor.
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That's all. Hope it fulfilled your expectations. If not I'm sorry. Please forgive the mistakes.
Kam...
[NOCOPY]
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