Chapter 21

Arnav Singh Raizada had always looked forward to Monday. He was a workaholic and weekends were sometimes difficult for him to bear. He had always felt the best on Monday mornings. Today was no different, though Monday did no longer mean work only.

Arnav could see her waiting for him at their usual spot. She was in a plum colored dress, the same kind she always wore. He did no longer question the thumping of his heart as he drove nearer to her.  He had finally given up and accepted that she affected him in ways no one had ever done to him. He had accepted the fact that around her, his heart always took charge over his brains. He had accepted the fact that it was only her that he needed – it was only her, his crazy hormones danced to. Last week especially, had helped him put things into perspective even more.

It had been a week since the fashion show. Khushi had completely taken him by surprise as she did not change their morning routine. She had waited for him everyday to pick her up and she was there even today. Well, other than that, things had not really been very easy between them. Khushi had suddenly turned quite taciturn around him. They had hardly exchanged any word in the last week. She had been tight-lipped, hardly smiling or even looking at him.

It had pricked Arnav's ego like anything. But more than that was the heartache and the restlessness.  Then again, he thought, it was a wonder that she had not completely cut him off from her life. He still had her with him. His world was still full of lemons and limes.

Arnav braked in front of her. As she got into the car and settled herself, he smiled at her but she hardly noticed, let alone reciprocated. He sighed softly. He had thought a lot during the weekend - about this strange arrangement between them, about his urge that he could no longer control to have her around, about her untold words through one little question.

"Will you ever?"

Arnav had not been able to answer her that day and he knew he could not answer her in positive even today. But he .. wanted to try .. for her. He wanted to see if he could change his views or if he could at least compromise.

Arnav sighed again as Khushi latched the seatbelt herself. He missed doing that. He missed getting so close to her, to breathe her.. her lemony scent, to touch her softly in the pretext of doing her seatbelt. But she would not give him the chance any longer.

The Monday after the fashion show, when she got into the car, Arnav had no idea what to expect. But when she had stopped him from doing her seatbelt and had done it herself, Arnav had known things would no longer be the same. He still felt the same twitch in his heart as he watched her – as if someone had mercilessly cut out a part of his heart. It ached and he felt deprived.

"I have finally learnt it," Khushi had cared to explain that day reading the surprise in his eyes, "Happy-ji said I probably pulled the belt too fast. It gets locked that way. I am sure you know."

"Who is Happy-ji?" Arnav had managed to ask without giving away anything.

"He owns the garage near my house," Khushi replied monotonously, her usual excitement missing, "I should have thought about it earlier."

Arnav had hoped it had been just her initial reaction post their exhausting conversation, but Khushi had proved him wrong. Nothing changed. She kept ignoring him mostly. She did not even talk to herself. And she had well maintained that they were at least 5 feet away from each other always, except for the morning ride. He had seen her behaving all her normal self around others but with him, she was cold.

Arnav understood her. He acknowledged the fact that he had crossed his line with her, and then he had made it clear to her that he could not offer her what she deserved. What else could he really expect from her?

But all this realization and reasoning were not helping him at all. He wanted her to be herself around him. He wanted to hear her meaningless banter. He wanted to latch her seatbelt. He wanted to hold her hand, to rub her cheeks, to brush away the loose tendrils of hair from her face. He wanted to hold her by her waist, to pull her close, to nuzzle across her neck, to taste those lips .. again. He wanted to do more. Much more.

Her sudden change of behavior and the feeling of deprivation had finally made Arnav think about them on a different note. Running away was no longer a solution, he realized. How could he deny that he was truly, deeply, madly .. attracted to her? And had she not reciprocated the same? He liked her .. a lot. But was that enough to change his views of life? Marriage was not something he was very convinced of. He had his reasons, strong ones. Would he be able to overcome those, just because he liked her?

He had fought with himself – his beliefs, his views, his fears. He was still not convinced if he could go as far as marrying her. But he felt peaceful when he realized he was willing to try – to see if things were right enough between them .. so right that he might be willing to compromise with his views, only for her, if not for himself.

He wanted her – there was nothing to question twice about that.

Why marriage had to be so important to her? Why she couldn't just agree to be with him?

Arnav glanced at her sideways as he drove towards office. She was staring outside through the window, her hands lying lazily on her lap. Arnav's eyes travelled up her arms and rested on the gota attached to the sleeve. He still felt like ripping those little cotton balls off. Not because those irritated him; but because it was his secret little fantasy.

Arnav swallowed. He quickly shifted his gaze and focused on the road, not willing to let his thoughts travel down that road again. It had been a rather fascinating road he had been walking on for quite some time now, with her by his side, where he wanted to do things to her that he had never felt the urge before. He had no intention to frighten her away. His fantasies could wait. He had other things to focus on, starting with the conversation he was willing to have with her today.

A boyish grin appeared on his face, unknowingly – the kind of grin which no one had seen on his face for a long time. His one half was charged up with excitement and the other half was biting his nails in anticipation. Would she understand him this time? Would she let him try? Would she try herself?

Arnav cleared his throat.

"Tumhara weekend kaisa tha?"

Though staring outside, Khushi was lost in her own world, hardly noticing anything at all. Arnav's question cut through her reverie and startled her. She turned her face towards him in utter astonishment.

What had gotten into him today?

She did notice him trying to smile at her in the morning. And now, he was trying to strike up a conversation. He had hardly made any move last week as she had carefully withdrawn herself from him. He had not even seemed bothered. And now .. why?

"Ji?"

"Tumhara weekend kaisa tha, Khushi?"

Khushi swallowed as she remembered the last weekend. Her heart sank and an unbearable pain coursed through her body, as if her blood was filled with venom. She shifted in her seat uncomfortably and swallowed again.

"Ji, theek tha."

Arnav could read the discomfort in her demeanor and flashed his dazzling smile at her .. slowly, making her gasp. Oh, he still had his effect on her! Khushi quickly turned her face away from him and kept fidgeting with her pallu.

What has gotten into him today??

Arnav relaxed a bit as he watched Khushi go all flustered. There she was. His lemon. His Khushi. He would bring her out.

"How is work?"

"Ji. Theek hai."

"Theek hai? I thought you were working for both Lavanya and Aman last week."

"Yes. But it is ok. Aman ji and La-ji have discussed among themselves and they are both quite considerate. La-ji will interview for the post this week and till she gets someone recruited, Aman-ji said he is ok to loan me to her."

Arnav noticed the trace of smile on her face and his smile expanded.

"You on loan. Hmm. Aman said that?"

"I don't know. But La-ji quoted him .."

"Hmm. Interesting."

Even though the idea of Khushi on loan did not please him much but somehow he did not miss the humor in it. Somehow the air turned better inside the car today. It was much less of silence and apprehension like it had been the previous week.

"When will you start for home?"

"Pata nahi. Around 6 may be."

Arnav thought twice if he was really ready for this. If it were anyone but Khushi he would not have given it much thought. He would have asked her out without any hesitation but around Khushi, his confidence level was somehow dwindling. If he wanted to talk to her, he would have to do it her way.

He finally pushed away his hesitation.

"Let me know ten minutes before you are leaving."

Arnav could feel her gaze quickly shifting towards him. What was there to be so surprised of? Had he not been doing the same all this while? They hadn't broken even this routine in last week. They had not talked about it, but somehow he had always been there waiting when she had come out of the building. She had never questioned and he had never bothered to explain too.

"Hey Devi Maiya," Khushi murmured as she watched him driving, his facial features little softer than usual. She had been thinking about this since morning .. that she should leave office alone today. She could not go with him. She had been in two minds if to let him know somehow or not. He had always been there waiting for her – everyday of the last week .. even after she had been so aloof from him. She did not want to believe he had waited for her and she did not want to make a fool of herself by telling him she would not need a lift today. But what if .. he waited today also?

And here he was talking about it himself.

Khushi cleared her throat.

"Woh .. actually, I have some other engagement today. I, in fact, would like to go on my own."

If he had not been driving, Arnav would have halted in his track. But now his fingers just tightened on the steering wheel. If Khushi could see his eyes, she could easily read the irritation residing there. But more that that was the disappointment.

"You will not go home?"

"No."

"I can drop you .. at any other place too."

"Thank you. But I really want to go on my own."

"Oh. Ok."

The silence in the car again slowly started to become suffocating.

When was the last time he had heard her call him "Arnav-ji"?

And the first day he was trying to make an attempt was turning into a failure.

Arnav could feel his frustration slowly rising. It was not going as he had expected. How difficult could it be to have her for an hour or so and just tell her he wanted to try? Just ask her if she would let him try?

Did she really have a plan? Or was she just brushing him off?

The mere 10 minutes drive to AR seemed like an eternity to Arnav. He, quite uncharacteristically, shifted in his seat and visibly fidgeted as his frustration almost reached its peak. He parked the car rather haughtily and tried not to look at her as he sat quietly in the driver's seat with his hands fisted. But when had he ever been able to control himself around her? His eyes stole a glance at her as she was unlatching the seatbelt and it was then he saw it.

A vintage gold ring with a decent sized square cut emerald in the middle. Two little diamonds on each side of the green stone sparkled even when there was no ray of sun in the underground garage. Even though the ring was not very heavy, it seemed like an added weight on her delicate ring finger of her left hand, which had always been devoid of any jewelry till date.

Even before Arnav's brain could process this new addition to her appearance or could infer anything, he felt a poignant twitch in his heart. It did not feel right. The simple yet beautiful ring seemed somewhat .. redundant on her. Arnav sat frozen, his inner self busy deducing, even when Khushi got down of the car, shut the door behind her and started walking away.

He suddenly could hear his world falling apart – crashing, burning, shattering. It could not be.

No.

Arnav had no idea how and when he unlatched his seatbelt, got down of the car and strode towards the front of his car.

"Khushi.."

The name did not sound like an address, rather a question .. hanging in the air. Khushi halted in her track as his voice reached her – he sounded .. lost.

When she finally turned to face him and met his eyes, her whole body shuddered, not being able to take the intensity in those caffeinated eyes. His eyes seemed clueless, his face pale. This Arnav Singh Raizada she could never imagine and she did not like it.

"Ji?"

Her voice was just enough to reach him and it did no good to his crumbling world. He could not breathe. He felt cold. He could not stop trembling.

His voice came out hoarse and he was unaware.

"Kya naam hain uska?"

He watched her swallow.

"Kiska?"

He closed his eyes, as the question felt like a whiplash on him. Don't be so cruel, Khushi. His pursed lips trembled as he tried hard to restrain the overflowing emotions. He opened his eyes and he knew she could see he was vulnerable. He did not care. Hell, he did not care a damn.

"The fianc?"

He did not want to know the answer to this question but he had to know. And he wished .. oh, he so wished, she would not take any name.

He watched the rising surprise in her eyes, her mouth parted slightly and her lips trembled. Please, Khushi. Say there is no one. Say, please.

"Gautam."

The name from her mouth sounded utterly indecent to him and that was all he felt. Gautam. Not a nice name. He had feared if she took a name, he would collapse. But nothing happened. He just went numb, feeling nothing, his whole being feeling hollow.. empty.

He stood rooted as he watched the rising concern on her face. Why was she concerned? For whom?

"Arnav-ji .. aap theek ho?"

Arnav-ji. Ah! Finally, she said it. He had been waiting to hear that for so long. But why now? What was the point? Why did she seem concerned?

"I am fine. Tum jao."

His voice was still hoarse and she did not seem convinced.

"Arnav-ji .."

Why was she still here? Why was she not going? What did she want from him?

"Go, Khushi!"

His voice sounded hoarser as he yelled at her.

"I said GO!"

He watched her jump in shock, her eyes widening and .. tearing up? He glared at her and she immediately turned away. He felt like laughing as she almost ran away leaving him behind .. alone. It was funny that he could still scare her away.

As she disappeared from his vision, Arnav suddenly felt his body giving up. The numbness was being replaced with an excruciating pain all through his body and his world spun. He stepped back instinctively looking for support and his back hit the car. His body bent in pain, his feet trembled.

The world and existence of Arnav Singh Raizada collapsed in a flash and he did nothing to stop it.

She had saved him from his dilemma. He no longer needed to try.

It was over.

Devi Maiya sighed, her eyes welling up for the broken down man, as she watched him standing with his head bent.