Chapter 70

[MEMBERSONLY]

65. Friends And Foes

‘Happy Birthday, Kirti,’ Manisha hugged her as soon as they met.

‘Thank you,’ Kirti beamed, stepping out of the embrace. ‘Honestly, I was legit taken aback by your call today.’

‘Were you? In a good way, I hope.’ Manisha said as they stepped into a queue to collect tickets outside a burger joint.

‘Pleasantly surprised, did I not mention? I felt cherished. But how do you remember? It’s been years.’ Kirti stretched the last syllables. She had woken up to find Sana and Tejas' wedding planning group - once boisterous but now still as a cadaver of a juvenile dream - be roused to life with wishes of a healthy and prosperous year for herself. She had scrolled up for the initiator. It was Manisha. 

‘I have a directory and alarm system for it.’ Manisha replied, running her lips over her painted lips.

‘Wow,’ Kirti commented.

‘One day I sat with my slam book and saved the dates of all our friends’ birthdays in my system. If I know their number, I call them. It might sound silly but the emotion that fills a person’s voice at an unexpected wish...Oh my God, you remember? Thank you! That zestiness in their tone is what I live for. One year I was really low. To top that, my friends, busy with their lives, forgot to wish me. It should not have hurt, but the thought that nobody out there cared was depressing. I got over it soon but that night, I was vulnerable and I cried myself to sleep.’

‘I am sorry,’ Kirti cut in, feeling guilty for not being there.

‘It was nothing,’ Manisha waved the apology off, the lines of her silver bracelet catching off light from the setting sun. ‘But after that, I decided, even if it’s just one call a year, I am going to make the person feel special. I abhor the detachment and formality that has crept in, these days. That quick and clipped HBD. I know I am hopeless,’ Manisha looked beyond Kirti’s shoulders, trying to write off her thoughts as foolish sentiments.

‘No, Manisha. I think you are amazing. It requires courage to call a person whom you’ve not been in contact with and wish them well. You don’t know if that person is going to value your sentiments. But you still go on. That’s commendable. Your call made me giddy. I always thought that I was forgettable. That I did not make true friends at school. Friends who truly cared.’

Manisha quickly looked over at her, her eyes narrowing in concentration. ‘Was that how you felt? Why you snapped all connections with us? I tried asking so many of our classmates about your number to no avail.’

‘I felt like an odd one out. Hurt especially when none of you turned up at my father’s funeral. As for the connection, there was too much going on in my life so I did not have enough energy or enough heart.’  The queue was moving slowly, making Kirti impatient. Her last meal had been four hours ago and she was starving.

‘I’m sorry, Kirti. I wanted to come but my parents didn’t allow me to. It was juvenile of me but if you remember you had stopped talking to most of us because of Sana...about your mother…,’ Manisha hesitated.

Once it had been a sore point for Kirti but time had eroded away all her bitterness, making her come to terms with the truth. ‘My mother’s disappearance and my father being an auto-rickshaw driver,’ she supplied.

Manisha nodded uncomfortably. ’I thought you didn’t care whether we visited you or not. But we felt your pain, Kirti. We were truly sorry. We would often sit and talk about you during free periods and recess. Especially when you stopped coming to school. We were genuinely worried. In fact, we called a few times but your neighbor would cut the call the moment we mentioned we wanted you on the phone.’

Kirti remembered her neighbor’s annoyance at having to entertain Kirti’s calls. Her father had promised her a mobile phone on his return. ‘It’s okay. It’s all in the past. Buried and forgotten,’ she tried closing off the topic.

‘No, if you still remember it. Then it’s not exactly a forgotten past, is it?’ Manisha countered.

A little girl jumped around restlessly with a bag of chips in her hand. Her toddler brother followed her around, his feet encased in tiny red sneakers which when slapped against the floor made honking noises tickling his funny bones. The little girl had her hair cut straight across her forehead in a Chinese fringe. 

Has Radha ever been to a burger joint? Any kind of a restaurant? Would she like to wear her hair in that fashion, Kirti wondered.

‘We as in you and Tejas?’ She asked while noticing that two more customers were to go before their turn.

‘Huh?’ Manisha looked up after checking her phone for any urgent messages. ‘No. Nishit and I. Tejas and I could never really gel together.’

‘Nishit? I don’t believe you.’ Kirti shook her head, looking in front, her reflection forming in the glass window. She was wearing a maroon and black suit that Biplab had parceled as a present. One more customer to go.

‘But it’s the truth!’ Manisha reaffirmed. ‘I remember sneaking to the deserted side of the school building just so that we could call you from his mobile. He said you wouldn’t talk to him so I should call. Your neighbor made an excuse that you were out of town. It had been a month since you stopped coming to school. You had missed all the unit tests.’

‘What burger should I order for you?’ Kirti asked, ignoring the eruption of lava of emotions in the center of her heart.

‘My neighbor wasn’t lying,’ Kirti said when they were seated inside and the waiter had served their order. ‘We had gone to Varanasi to conduct some rituals. Then we went to our native place where my father had grown up.’

‘But Tejas always boasted how he talked to you every day!’ Manisha revealed. 

Kirti frowned. ‘No! I did not talk to anyone! I wasn’t in a state to. My brother fell sick immediately after hearing our father’s news. He had to be hospitalized. There was just so much going on…’ She still shivered while recalling those grim days.

‘Then why would Tejas lie to all of us?! You have no idea how he would come and take your name and boast of things you both did together...Was it to…’ The rest of Manisha’s conversation was internal. ‘How crafty!’ She mused. ‘We weren’t friends, you know,'' She said aloud, biting into her thickly loaded burger.  ‘Nishit and I. But we bonded because of our mutual concern over you. We were sort of pining companions.’ She smiled at the memory. ‘Can you imagine? We actually started paying attention in the class, taking down notes! What if you came back one day and asked for notes? He had come and said how he never paid attention in Bio classes, especially ones conducted during activity periods but he had to because of you!’

Kirti’s stomach knotted. ‘After I flunked my PreBoards, Tejas had sent me a photocopy of notes,’ She said.

‘I always thought he had a thing for you. I am not sure if he ever realized himself,’ Manisha’s brows crinkled in deep concentration, her hand carrying the burger halting in mid-air.

‘No, Tejas and I had always been friends only.’ Kirti had misunderstood things but the past few months had dispersed the clouds of confusion for her. She was still no master of her heart but had gained clarity about whom she did not love.

‘Not Tejas but Nishit. He really cared for you.’

‘Rubbish!’ The knotted stomach now lurched. 

‘You both were cute together now that I think about it,’ Manisha continued, ignoring her protest.  ‘How I wish it had blossomed into something! Would have made for some intense romance.’ Manisha’s eyes twinkled dreamily as if frames of a movie floated before her eyes. ‘I mean have you noticed how quietly he watches people? With utmost attention.’ She asked. Kirti knew he watched quietly and discreetly. She had often felt his eyes on her own person.

‘What have you been watching, Manisha?’

 ‘Imagine him fixing those eyes on you!’

‘Clearly a case of too many dramas this is,’ Kirti surmised, squirming in her seat, her one leg going above another. Someone chortled loudly giving her an excuse to look away from her friend’s watchful gaze.

‘And to think that you had his attention so many times, Kirti!’

Surprised, she glanced back.

‘Oh, you did! I am not talking about school here because that isn’t the appropriate age and it was eons ago. But be it the farmhouse party, Tejas - Sana’s engagement, or that evening when you sprained your leg…’

‘All the times he was with his girlfriend. You’re accusing him of being disloyal to her?’ Kirti raised her eyebrows. 

‘What girlfriend? Did he introduce her as one? I don’t remember that part. Most probably they were just hanging out together.’ Manisha said, sipping from the coke can.

‘And having fun,’ Kirti muttered remembering the kiss in the car. Or do you call it a peck? Why did she remember? 

‘Manisha, ‘ she started with the intent of changing the gears of the conversation. ‘Which post grade are you at? A or B?’

Caught off guard by the turn in the conversation, Manisha replied, ‘I started off as a Grade B Assistant Manager but sat for a departmental exam and got a promotion a few months back. Now I am working in the capacity of a manager. Why do you ask?’ She wiped the grease off her fingers with the tissue paper.

‘I was browsing for safe career options. Something that pays well and has a good work culture. NACARD emerged among the topmost pursued government jobs. I don’t see a very bright future for myself in the IT sector, honestly,’ Kirti explained. ‘If I had an engineering degree, then it would have been something else. So, I was thinking of changing fields. I have a B.A. degree as well.’ Unconsciously, her tongue played with the sesame seed that was stuck in one of her molars.

‘Hmm,’ Manisha pushed herself back in her chair, gulping down the carbonated drink. ‘That is a wise decision. But Kirti NACARD is very unpredictable with its recruitment. I am not sure if you know, it does not release vacancies every year. See, you turned twenty-nine today, right? If you are aiming for a government sector job, you are running out of time.’ Thirty was the upper limit for most of the government job examinations. 

‘Seeing that, I think you should prepare for a more reliable exam.’ She chewed her lips for some time. ‘Would have suggested CGL but it’s a long cycle. What was your graduation subject?’

‘Eco,’ Kirti replied.

‘Mmmm...NBI, yes! What’s your opinion about the National Bank of India, Grade B exam?’

‘Isn’t it reputed to be one of the toughest exams in the country?’ Kirti asked.

‘It is, but if you manage to make it, your life is set, Kirti. The pay is very handsome. Then there are so many perks apart from the respect attached to the job profile. I think you should give it a try. It’s mid-December now. The notification should be released by the end of this month. Then, you’ll have your preliminary exams most probably sometime in Jan? I think you should start preparing.’

Exam in a month? That wasn’t enough time.

‘I had appeared for the exam once but was out in the first round itself.’ Manisha added.

‘If you couldn’t, how will I?’ Kirti’s self-doubts began to surface.

‘Oh no. I did not say that to discourage you. I was out because I didn’t prepare well. I have a few friends who made it because they were focused. If you want I can introduce them to you so that they could guide you.’

‘Let me think and decide if that’s what I want to prepare for.’ Kirti replied, finishing off her meal.

‘Kirti, this is for you,’ Manisha stretched out a square box wrapped in pretty gift paper.

‘You did not have to,’ Kirti was at a loss of words, hesitating to accept the gift.

‘I hope you like what I chose for you.’

When they were walking to their respective vehicles, Manisha said, ‘Kirti, never feel that you were forgettable. Perhaps a few of us were not kind to you. I am sorry if I, in my immaturity, did or said things I should not have. But I considered you as my true friend. That’s why it hurt when you chose only to be with Tejas. Even after you left school, we moved to colleges, and when we got together, we missed your presence. When your topic would arise, only Tejas had your information. It was like you chose and only wanted him. We felt slighted as well. On admit card distribution day, Nishit approached you and you blasted at him. That too, after he did so much for you. The notes, then the practical notebook he wrote and submitted for you because there was no news from you. There were students around, it was humiliating but he did not talk behind your back!’

‘It was like apart from Tejas the rest of us were not good enough. It did not help that he bragged too. It irked. Since you weren’t interested, we backed off too. I wondered at times, why Tejas? This is just my opinion but I always thought, you could just do so much better. The guy talked as if you were a commodity. He talked as if you worshipped him and frankly I found it disrespectful of him to speak of you in such light.’

Kirti stared speechlessly.

‘You were - are cherished Kirti. You just did not look at the right places. There was Nishit, there was Parvati…’

‘Parvati?’ Kirti had forgotten about this friend of hers. ‘How is she? Where is she?’

‘She got married a few years ago. Moved to Houston. She was here last month and was asking about you. We sat and bitched about you for a good hour,’ Manisha winked. ‘In fact, remember Shivani? We chat on Insta sometimes and every time she wants your number.  She always mentions how you were there when no one was and would love to reconnect. We might not have been our best selves in the past, Kirti, but all of us have had our fair share of challenges and hopefully have done a lot of growing up.’

XxxX

Kirti was buying chocolates and some snacks to take home when Tejas called to wish her. He wanted to meet and since she wanted to as well, she agreed.

‘Hi, Birthday Gal,’ his greeting was effervescent as usual. He was dressed to the nines and looked good but her heart did not somersault. She felt nothing when he pulled her in for a hug. He pulled out a gift box, which she accepted keeping it on their table. The food arrived and he chatted; she listened. He was self-absorbed enough not to notice her oddly staring at him.

When he was exhausted from whining about his office, he moved to the familiar pastures. Nishit and Sana. He had just started about how big a player Sana was, Kirti interrupted him with a question of her own.

‘I heard you were going around spreading the rumor that you were going to marry me. Why did I not know about our impending marriage, Tejas? You were going to marry me without my permission?’ She held his eyes tightly. Her tone was low but firm.

He halted, his eyes moved around before meeting her own. ‘Who told you?’ He asked quietly.

‘Does it hold any importance? What matters is why did you propagate such lies?’

‘It wasn’t a lie. At that time I was adamant on marrying you.’

‘Does It suffice that you were adamant? Did you have my permission to use my name before making such announcements in public? As a lawyer, you should know better. Are you allowed to make a play of my reputation in this manner? Or have you taken me for granted?’

She saw him chew his food slowly, looking everywhere but at her. His shoulder had stiffened at every accusation of hers, and she could feel the reverberation of the table, a result of his shaking his legs which was a nervous tic of his.

‘You are making a mountain out of a molehill, Kirti. I might have just said it to irk Sana. I don’t really remember.’

‘But just now you said you were adamant on marrying me. Now, you don’t remember?’ She pressed him further.

He threw his spoon frustrated. ‘Do we have to discuss this today? Yes, I said things. I love you and wanted to marry you at that time. Is it wrong?’

‘But all this while I was suffering alone. I did not see any evidence of your love, Tejas. You never phoned to ask after me, never inquired about my grandmother’s health. Today also, you never asked about her. Not a single text asking if I was doing well or How am I coping? Is it that your love sprouts at your own convenience? 

‘What are you trying to imply?’ He looked at her pointedly. 

‘When you need to get back at people, draw their attention, you use me as a tool!’ 

‘WHAT?!’ He shouted, pulling the attention of a few diners towards them, then realizing the place, slowly hissed out, ‘Who has been feeding you these lies? Nishit? Have you been meeting him?’

She remained tight-lipped and it galled him. 

‘Are you doubting my feelings for you? I did not call you because I was busy. I was away from the city! I am a corporate lawyer, Kirti. It isn’t like your coaching where you can take a leave anytime you want. It is a demanding job!’

Her palms joined together, she nodded her head, staring at the blue criss-cross of colors against the white table cloth. 

He noticed what he hadn't before - she hadn’t touched her plate at all. He felt restless in the manner a man feels when a baited fish is slipping out of his hold. Pushing the plate of lasagna away, he sighed irritatedly. The small blob of ketchup against the white of the china bone was eye-catching.

‘Kirti, I am sorry,’ he cajoled. ‘I was negligent of you. You know how busy it gets…’

‘Tejas,’ she cut him off. ‘ Remember I failed the Pre Board exams. Then your driver came to drop a set of notes.’

She watched how he drew in his shoulders, his stance fidgety and his eyes going shifty all over again. 

‘What notes? I don’t remember.’ 

She knew he was fibbing. 

‘You had called and when I mentioned the notes you said it was you. I asked if you went through all that hard work. You had said, yes. Was it really you?’ She went for the kill. She had had doubts years ago when she had received the notes. She had doubted when in college Nishit had provided her with a copy of his notes once again but Tejas’ single Yes, had her shaking away those ridiculous thoughts. 

‘So you met him. He told you, didn’t he? How petty of him!’ He gave out a vicious laugh. 

‘I knew my partner’s handwriting, Tejas. I also knew Parvati’s note-making style. I am not a fool but because I trusted you I ignored my inner voice. I thought you had assembled the notes for me. Why did you lie, Tejas? I have been thinking about a lot of things. I cannot point out the moment when you changed. But the boy I met on the backside of the podium is not the boy who’s sitting across from me. I thought you cared but now it feels like I was misused. The past - our past - all of it feels like a sham. What was the truth? What was a lie?’ He started to speak but she stalled him with her hand. 

‘Let me finish,’ she said. ‘I have no idea what your equation is with your cousin or for that matter Sana, but why did you use me as a weapon? I cared for you! You were my best friend!! There were moments when you used me ill,  disrespected my career, made careless remarks, I let it go. When things between Sana and you soured, you dumped the remnant feelings on me. As if you could start with me from where you had left off with Sana! I let it go. But while I was being a devoted friend, you went around making a fool of me? Now, every word you uttered in the past, every promise feels like a lie. I am disappointed in you. In myself! Why Tejas? What was the need for this web of lies? Why the constant need to bitch about your brother and your fiancee who you were supposed to love. The stories you told me about their disloyalty, the inconsistencies in their character, was it even the truth, I am forced to think. You’ve cheated me in ways more than I can understand, Tejas. Sometime when I was not paying attention, you ceased to be a friend.’ She was breathing hard at the end of her outburst. She was no less hurt than she was angry. Here was a man whom she had devoted so many years to only to be hoodwinked.

‘Lies? You are talking about lies?’ He sneered. ‘Did you not stay by my side all this while but wished it was Nishit instead? I know we’d come to this someday. After all, how long could you pretend?’

She stared at him disbelievingly. Where had this hatred sprung from? Was it always there and she refused to see it. The boy she knew joked and laughed. He made others happy. 

‘What? You think I didn’t know? We’ve been together for more than a decade now, Kirti. I know you like the back of my hand. You thought you loved me when it was him you wanted all along. The way your eyes lighted up at his mention,’ He closed in, his hands gripping the ends of the table, his smile a brutal comma of his lips. ‘The way the light vanished when I mentioned him in association with other girls. Yes, I lied about the notes. You were supposed to be MINE, Kirti!! I had found you first. You were my best friend. But when he came into the picture, like it always happens, you began to waver and move away. He knew you were special to me but he had no qualms stealing you away from me. He had - has everything! Then why come after my things?! Was it not enough that one childish demand of his disrupted my entire world that he had to come after my friends too?’ He snatched her hands from herself and clutched them furiously across the table. ‘Why did you have to betray me too? I was counting on you! What does he have that I do not? Why did your eyes always flicker to him? Did you have to be vulnerable to his charms as well?’

Kirti shook her head and snatched away her hand. She had no patience for his angry fit but he continued.

‘You were with me only in the hopes that he would come around, weren’t you? That he would acknowledge you, accept you? You talk about being a tool? Was I not simply a stand-in?’

Oh Tejas. She wailed on the inside. When did their friendship turn to this? It was like it had expired long ago but she was in a self-induced delirium - a coma. Now that she had finally woken up, the stench of the rotten dead body was choking her. 

His face had acquired a bilious look as if he was fighting his own demons, but she refused to be concerned for him or be gaslighted anymore. 

‘Putting all of it on me, are you? For a long time, I was only yours - my loyalty, my devotion, my affection all lay at your feet. But you chose not to treasure it, Tejas. You were too busy playing games.’

His face twisted into a snarl. ‘Now you're lying to yourself. You were there but you really weren’t.’ 

She had heard these lines before. From Ujjwal. 

What did all of them take her to be? Flinging accusations at her like that. She had been fiercely loyal in every relationship of hers. She had tried hard to be there for her friends whenever they needed her, only to be taken advantage of, to be brutally cheated by them.

‘So you mean to say I brought it all upon myself. I deserved it. Thank you for the dinner,’ she said, pushing back her chair. 

‘You are going to him, aren’t you? AREN’ T YOU??’ He stood up. ‘ You think he will treasure you? He will have his fill of you and then throw you away.’

She stared at him hard, for one last time, then turned and left. He would realize later that this was the last time he had her attention.

He was left alone, the food plates - one-half empty, other completely untouched - and the gift box, his only companion.

The curtain to a long play had fallen.

One more person lost to him because of Nishit.

He was enraged; he wanted to scream, he wanted to hurt. A hot, smoldering fire of animosity burned inside him. 

In his three-room apartment, he’s often awakened from sleep. Nightmares - old and new, assailing his slumber. Restlessly, he paces the floor;  standing by his window watches the city of dreams aglow with life. He deliberates on ways he can have her back. Fabricates mountains of lies which he clearly believes are truths, to tell her. His hand often reaches out to his phone, his finger hovering over her number, but his courage giving out at the last moment. 

Tomorrow is a new day. I will find her.

XxxX

At home, it was a silent affair; but her heart was in chaos. 

She served the chocolates, snacks, and cake - that Biplab had sent for her - to Radha, and  Buta. 

Ammaji questioned her late arrival; Kirti ignored her litany of dos and don’ts, and floated from one space to another, cooking dinner while recalling conversations.

Mayank did not call or come. It did not bother her. 

Finishing the chores, when she sat with her phone, once again scrolling down her birthday wishes, his lack of wish felt too inconspicuous. 

She should be ecstatic he was abiding by his words. 

I will never see you again. Remember to not cross my path, either. 

Then why did she feel so lonely? 

You’re right. You aren’t worth it.  I have been a fool for a long time. I promise I will no longer be. You do not deserve my attention!

She shut her ears to the contempt and the anger in his voice but the words played in a loop. 

She wrapped herself around Radha - her sanctuary. Like broken and frightened animals clinging to their savior, she finds peace in the innocent fall and rise of Radha’s sleeping form.

Years ago, Tejas had been such a sanctuary. Her life on fire, she clung to him for salvation. He turned out to be a parasite luring unwitting bees; a charming flower with a winsome smile, and arresting fragrance, that lured one with promises of sweet nectar. It was only when you entered it, that you realized what it was. A beast with a dark center for heart, it bared its claws and teeth, sucking the life out of one, slowly but efficiently.

He cared for you. To think that you had his attention. 

She tossed and turned, finding no respite tonight. She would shut her eyes tightly to only see tiny dots of light but no sleep. So defying the restrictions she had placed on herself, she pulled out from the pockets of her memory, the proposal. His proposal. 

Phir Bhi Jo Tum Door Rahte Ho Mujhse

To Rahte Hain Dil Pe Udasi Ke Saaye

Koi Khwab Oonche Makanon Se Jhanke

Koi Khwab Baitha Rahe Sar Jhukaye

Kabhi Dil Ki Raahon Mein Phaile Andhera

Kabhi Door Tak Raushni Muskuraye...

...Tumhe Ho Na Ho Mujhko To Itna Yakeen Hai

Mujhe Pyaar Tumse Nahin Hai Nahin Hai

Magar Maine Ye Raaz Ab Tak Na Jana

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-RPAi_66eM