Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

Farhad was standing just inside the guest room doorway when Mandar opened the bathroom door. "Could we talk now, Mandar?" Mandar nodded, and silently followed Farhad into the guest room.

The drops of water lingering on Mandar's face, which had felt so cool a moment ago, were warm already. His body was tingling again as Farhad turned to face him.

Conversion therapy with Amma had taught Mandar not to put himself in any such situation. Men whose mutual attraction was known were forbidden to have any contact with each other; they were even assigned to different therapists. Any conversation with a proudly homosexual man like Farhad was to be avoided, and to talk about their attraction, alone, next to a bed - well, that was just asking for trouble! Temptation - that was the word for it, but what Mandar was feeling was determination. He wouldn't let this opportunity go!

Farhad motioned to Mandar to sit on the bed, facing him, and Mandar sat. Mandar could have remembered his assertiveness training if he wanted to, but he didn't want to. Looking into Farhad's earnest eyes, Mandar wanted to let him have whatever he wanted, and the shame of being called passive wouldn't stop him. He was blushing again.

Mandar took a deep breath, and vaguely remembered the delicate, flowery perfumes that were used in conversion therapy to condition men like him to feel arousal only with a feminine presence. There were no scents in the air now, but his body wasn't waiting. Would tonight be his night? Would Farhad just sit there, or ... ?

"Mandar, I couldn't go back to sleep without asking you, is there a chance for us?" Farhad asked in a low voice.

Mandar nodded and quickly said the word. "Yes." He knew that there was no chance; he was a married man, a responsible big brother, an obedient son; but in this moment, his life depended on believing that there was a chance.

Farhad grinned at Mandar's assent. "I know you don't approve of my work for Raghav Anna, but nobody's faultless, right? If you could lean on me, would you stand strong for who you really are?"

Mandar tried to answer, but he didn't know what he could say. Could he stand alone, without his family, without Amma or Vishnu, with only his attraction to Farhad? What would happen to Pallavi if he said yes?

Farhad looked expectantly at Mandar for a moment, then lowered his eyes. "You don't have to answer that right now. I know, you're not ready to face the world as a gay man. At least you're thinking about it."

Mandar let out a sigh. Farhad was sitting next to him, so close, and making no move to touch him. Mandar hadn't been faithful to Pallavi; he had said yes to the idea of another "us," and for what? Nothing was going to happen between him and Farhad right away, not even a hug - no, not even a handshake! Mandar felt foolish and adrift. Would he have to throw away his life just for an elusive moment of belonging to Farhad, belonging to himself? Was this the despair that had driven Amma's patient to try to hurt himself?

Seeing Mandar's disturbed expression, Farhad put his hand on Mandar's hand. "What are you thinking now, mere pyāre Mandar?"

"Amma's patient - the one who tried to hurt himself today," Mandar began, his loneliness ebbing into the warmth of Farhad's hand.

"Dr. Ramya didn't tell us his name. Do you think it's someone you know?" Farhad asked.

"I probably met him in a group session," Mandar admitted. "I was thinking, what made him give up? Did he give in to temptation and feel guilty? Or, was he frustrated because therapy didn't give him results right away? Maybe it was just the thought of losing everyone in his life if he went astray."

"I don't know, Mandar, but conversion therapy has that effect on a lot of people. Not just because all of that guilt-filled, frustrating, and isolating talk creates trauma. If this patient was given electric shocks so that he would associate homoerotic images with pain, that would have traumatized him even more."

"Amma would never do that to anyone!" Mandar exclaimed. "She refuses to try electric shocks, ice baths, emetics, or fasting because she doesn't want to hurt her patients, ever! And she doesn't want us to become reliant on medication instead of will-power. That's probably why this patient's family thinks Amma didn't try hard enough to cure him."

Farhad's hand reached under Mandar's hand and their fingers curled around each other. "Mandar, I feel relieved that you didn't go through any of that, but Dr. Ramya's patient still tried to hurt himself! Tell me. What happened to you in conversion therapy?"

Mandar held on to Farhad's fingers as he answered. "Mostly, we were taught behaviour modification. How to be more assertive and physical, less emotional or passive, and avoid temptation. Vishnu is my sponsor, and we talk one-on-one about my progress. Amma's patients meet as a group to talk about what went wrong in our childhood, such as abusive or weak male influences or having too many female role models or friends. We were exposed to perfumes so that we would overcome our aversion to women, and stop trying to be like them. Vishnu thought that Pallavi was just a name in my mind, so he wanted to pair me with a woman from the program, but I refused."

Farhad shook his head. "You tried so hard to find something wrong with you, but being gay is your nature, just what it should be. You were yourself in your dream tonight." With his one hand still curled around Mandar's hand, Farhad put his other hand under Mandar's chin, firmly, and looked into his eyes seriously. "Mandar, now that you remember who you are, and how many people love you, please don't try to change!"

Mandar thought Farhad might kiss him next, and began to lean in, but Farhad dropped his hand and pulled back. Unwilling to give up his touch, Mandar circled Farhad's waist with both arms, and laid his head on Farhad's shoulder. "If they knew how I really am, they would wish I hadn't come back!"

"Doesn't your Bābā already know? You said that he gave you the message when Vedant called to blackmail you. He obviously still loves you." Farhad's one hand stroked Mandar's hair, while the other squeezed his shoulder.

"Bābā actually found out when I was in business school. I brought home a pamphlet from Breaking Barriers, a student support group, and Bābā found it. I admitted that I felt attraction to men. Bābā said that if I joined that group, people would misunderstand my curiosity, it would hurt Āī, and I could never take it back. So, I never joined, and Bābā and I pretended that there was nothing else to say." As Mandar spoke, he realized that for the first time, this memory didn't embarrass him, because he had Farhad in his arms, and Farhad didn't think Mandar had done anything wrong. No longer overpowered by his fear of being exposed, Mandar felt regret; if he had joined the group years ago, would Āī and Bābā have accepted him in time? Would he have been fulfilled, not frustrated, today?

"So, your Bābā knew, but he was in denial of your truth," Farhad remarked. "Did he order you to marry Pallavi jī?"

"No, it was my Ājī's wish that I should marry a girl from Kolhapur," Mandar recalled. "When I graduated, my Māmā asked me to join the matrimonial website. I couldn't tell him that I'm gay, so I said I wasn't ready. After a couple of years, I knew I couldn't put it off any longer. People would start to talk about me. So, I created my profile, Siddhesh Dādā reached out to me, and I proposed to Pallavi."

"Why were you so sure you couldn't tell your Māmā that you're gay? Your Āī would have stood by you, the way she stands by Pallavi jī, right? Then why worry about her brother's reaction?" Farhad's opinion of Sharada Deshmukh was based more on her observant silence than anything that she had said. He knew that she wasn't easily shocked; even after Raghav Anna's own scandals and his public humiliation of Amruta and Pallavi and Nikhil, Sharada jī had allowed him to prove his commitment to Pallavi and his goodwill to her family. And Raghav Rao, who prided himself on being above the law, had felt comfortable touching Sharada jī's feet that morning. Surely Sharada jī wouldn't be less understanding of her own son!

"Āī had her heart set on my marriage." Mandar's deep voice sounded musical as he shared his memories with Farhad. "I remember how she looked forward to Sulochana Kākū joining the family, but they never became friends. Āī looks after the whole family, but Kākā is the only one who notices her loneliness. For twenty years, Āī was Sulochana Kākū's main target, and there was no one to share Āī's responsibilities as lady of the house. So, from time to time, Āī would tell me, when you get married, I will pass this heirloom on to your wife, I will dress her up for that festival, you will take both of us sightseeing, and so on. When I told Māmā I wasn't ready to get married, Āī asked me, is there any other reason? She looked so serious, I just smiled and said no. I knew that if I said I'm gay, it would be the worst disappointment of Āī's life. If I told Māmā, then Māmī and Ājī would find out. I didn't want to spoil Ājī's old age with the news that I wasn't going to get married or give her any great-grandchildren. Āī was so happy when I created my profile, and delighted when Pallavi accepted me, and at the wedding, she was just overjoyed! These past three days, I've seen the closeness between Āī and Pallavi. The best thing I ever did for Āī was to bring Pallavi into her life."

"They're both lucky to have each other," Farhad agreed. "You know, Pallavi jī doesn't have to be married to you to be part of your family. While you were gone, she was your Āī-Bābā's daughter. She will always be that, even if you move on with me."

"It isn't like that anymore," Mandar argued, lifting his head from Farhad's shoulder. "Raghav's lies broke the bond between Bābā and Pallavi, and they didn't reconcile until I came home. Raghav forced Pallavi to marry him, and my return gave her a chance to leave him. Pallavi wants to come home to her rightful and respectable place, as my wife. I have to stay married to her."

Farhad removed Mandar's arms from his waist and pushed him away gently. "Do you remember what you said in the car about Jaya Amma, Raghav Anna's mother? Well, you are making the same mistakes that she made."

Mandar felt offended. Jaya Rao had instigated her Rākṣasa son to force Pallavi into marriage, as if that was compensation for criminal harassment. Mandar was helping Pallavi to escape that humiliation. "How can you say that to me, Farhad?"

"Think about the similarities," Farhad replied. "You feel obligated to rescue Pallavi jī from the mess that Raghav Anna made in her life. So did Jaya Amma. She didn't ask Pallavi jī if she would accept marriage to Raghav Anna as an apology. Do you think that Pallavi jī would have chosen you if she knew that you're gay? Society tells you and me that being openly gay isn't respectable, just as it convinced Jaya Amma that casual sex is a woman's scandal and it becomes legitimate when the man marries her. Shouldn't we all reject these warped ideas of respectability? If men and women are equal, then Pallavi jī shouldn't need you or Raghav Anna to be her patron. You know that Pallavi jī would rather have lived as an outcast, but not compromised her self-respect. Won't you claim your own self-respect, Mandar?"

Mandar looked away. He wanted to be close to Farhad, but he couldn't face his gentle, warm brown eyes, if it meant having to choose right now, a choice that would expose him to the world's finger-pointing.

"I'm sorry, I just asked you the same question that, a few minutes ago, I said you didn't have to answer right away. I'm sorry," Farhad said. "I really wanted to hear your story, not tell you what to do."

"I didn't get around to telling you how Bābā reacted to Ved Pillai blackmailing me," Mandar laughed nervously. "When he put down the phone, he was furious, trembling and red in the face."

"Did he slap you, Mandar?" Farhad blurted out, remembering his own experience with Vijay Deshmukh's blind fury.

"Bābā would never hit anybody!" Mandar answered emphatically. "He wasn't angry at me, anyway; he was feeling outraged because someone had accused one of his children of immorality. Bābā told me that the caller thought he was speaking to me, his name was Ved Pillai, and unless I brought him Rs. 50,000 in cash right away, at the Hotel Crosto on Outer Ring Road, he would tell my bride that I'm gay. I thought my life was over when I heard those words. If Pallavi found out my secret, she wouldn't give me a chance to be a good man, and my family would be ashamed of me. But then Bābā told me, you are blameless, never forget that, and I realized that Ved had no proof. How could anyone know my thoughts, if I never acted on them? I should insist that I was straight - that was the only way out. So, I followed Bābā's advice to stand up to this bully and then start married life. I called the police and informed them about the extortion attempt, and where I was going to meet Ved, and then I told Pallavi that I had to go out on an errand, but I would come back soon."

Farhad took both of Mandar's hands in his. "So, now you're back, and Ved is out of prison again. You've tried conversion therapy, and it didn't work. As long as everyone who knows your secret says nothing, you have a chance to be the one who tells Pallavi jī and your family. It won't be easy, but you don't have to do it alone. I'm with you, and you can count on my Ammī-Abbū too. So, don't worry. We should get some sleep now, so that we can drive back to Hyderabad in the morning."

"Are you really with me, Farhad?" Mandar asked, wanting to put his arms around this caring man again.

Farhad cupped Mandar's cheek. "I'm your friend, Mandar. I want to be more, but not while you're deceiving Pallavi jī. I won't be your guilty secret. I may not be an honourable man in your eyes, but I have my self-respect anyway."

"My Āī-Bābā aren't like your Ammī-Abbū, Farhad. Please understand."

"I do understand, Mandar. Your Āī-Bābā believe in your moral character and inherent honesty. They're protective of all their children, like all good parents. I've tasted your Bābā's slap, just like Raghav Anna, because your Bābā wouldn't tolerate anyone speaking disrespectfully about Pallavi jī. Your Āī-Bābā would take your side against the whole world, and so would your Kākā. If you're not ready to tell them yet, that's fine. It's more important that Pallavi jī deserves to know."

Mandar was shocked. "Why would Bābā slap you? Did you ever insult Pallavi?"

"It was a misunderstanding, and I'll tell you the story tomorrow. If I have to be patient, so must you," Farhad joked.

Mandar sat still, unwilling to leave the man who had been in his dream, until Farhad spoke again.

"I want you for myself, Mandar, when you're ready to be mine. So, your bed tonight is in Dr. Ramya's bedroom. Good night."

"Good night again, Farhad."

Mandar and Farhad both slept peacefully, having spoken the feelings that had given them dreams earlier in the night. Meanwhile, at Farhad's parents' flat, Pallavi had gone to sleep in Farhad's room, allowing Gulshan to return to his customary place next to Rehana.

In Pallavi's dreams, she relived her early days in the Deshmukh house. Manasi was posing her in the garden behind the house, to demonstrate every step in the composting process, from kitchen scraps to soil, as a project for her college photography class. Provoked by their laughter, Amruta was kicking soil onto the plants because she was miserable; Pallavi knew that Amruta missed Mandar.

"Amruta, malā āṭhavate kī Mandar-āṃnā āmbyāçā rasa khūpa āvaḍāyaçā." Amruta, I remember that Mandar liked mango juice a lot. "Barobara?" Correct? Amruta had a defiant expression on her face, but she was nodding. "Āza to banavāyaçā āhe, tyāta malā tujhī madata lāgela." I want to prepare it today, and for that I'll need your help. "Tū malā tyāñcī ekhādī goṣṭa sāṅga, āṇi āpaṇa ekatra āmbyācyā rasāta dūdha, veladoḍyācī pūḍa, āṇi keśara ghālū." You tell me a story about him, and together we'll add milk, cardamom powder, and saffron to the mango juice. "Tyāṃnī tulā kadhī citrapaṭa pahāyalā nele hote kā?" Had he ever taken you to see a movie?

Bābā's voice rang out in Pallavi's dream now. "Pallavi, āza dukānāta lavakara zāūyā." Pallavi, today let's go to the shop early. "Girhāīkāṃnī tulā viṇakāmābaddala praśna vicārale tara tū kāya sāṅgaśīla, tyācī thoḍakyāta parīkṣā gheūyā." If customers asked you questions about weaving techniques, what would you say? Let's do a quick test of that.

Pallavi dreamed of trying to video chat with Siddhesh Dādā and Pavani Vahinī, but Sulochana Kākū kept interrupting her, not because she was in such a hurry for a cup of tea or the gas cylinder had actually run out, but just to make them think that Pallavi was being mistreated. Dādā and Vahinī were asking Pallavi to visit them, and she knew that they meant a neverending visit, so that she wouldn't ever have to live with Sulochana Kākū. But Pallavi knew that her taking Mandar's place was the reason that Āī and Bābā were making it through each day without despairing.

Now Pallavi's dream was of dyeing sarees in the garden, while Milind Kākā entertained her with impressions of everyone at his workplace. Manasi was taking photographs again. Nikhil was asking if there was any civaḍā left; he was hungry for a snack! And he was showing them his Photogram page on his phone, reading the comments and telling them how many people were interested.

"Sakāḷa zhālī, Pallu, ūṭha āṇi malā ekhādā nāça dākhava." It's morning, Pallu, get up and show me a dance. Āī's voice in her dream made Pallavi smile, visualizing her Kathak practice in the courtyard. She would be twirling around, engrossed in her hand movements and rhythmic footwork, and suddenly notice Āī trying to copy her. Āī would laugh and hide when she got caught.

Pallavi was starting to wake up, and she didn't want her dreams to end, forcing her to leave the Deshmukh house. Amma would want her company while she drank her tea, and would the servants have Kirti's tiffin ready in time? Raghav had been unhappy about something last night, she recalled, but what was it? She felt that Raghav wasn't there on his side of the bed. Of course he wasn't, Pallavi realized with a jolt. She didn't live with Amma and Kirti anymore, and she hadn't spoken to Raghav last night; she had only overheard him pleading with Dādā and Vahinī to keep him in her life. When Pallavi would return to the Deshmukh house for real, it would be different from her dreams; Mandar would be there too.

Pallavi was at Farhad's parents' flat, and she had woken up with plenty of time for her Kathak practice. Mandar and Nikhil were still in Vikarabad, so she needed to open the shop with Krishna this morning. Pallavi got out of bed.

The night was over. Raghav awoke when Damayanti got up from his side. He realized that he hadn't gotten drunk last night. He didn't want to face this day, the first day of his life without Pallavi, but Damayanti needed a walk, and Raghav's head was clear.