Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

"Siddhesh Sawant!" Raghav shouted, and Damayanti jumped off his lap and ran to a corner of the den, where she turned and looked at him with worried eyes. "You egoistic middle-class nobody!" Noticing Damayanti's defensive stance, Raghav got up and walked over to her, and she dodged him.

"I'm not going to hurt you!" Raghav called out, exasperated. "I was coming over to comfort you, but you don't understand me. Just like your Amma, you're frightened by me, and you want to run to Mandar. Well, the door is closed. You have to learn to trust me in here, or you'll be miserable."

"Open the door first." The quiet voice was Raghav's own, but he turned around to make sure.

"Where have you been all day, Luṅgīvālā?" Raghav saw his alter ego sitting behind his desk, his face woebegone. "You look like your dog just died."

Damayanti growled at that remark, and Raghav realized that she was hiding behind the desk, maybe at Luṅgīvālā Raghav's feet.

"Open the door, Raghav Rao," Luṅgīvālā Raghav repeated. "You've made it through the day courageously. You made the right choice so many times. This one's easy."

Raghav opened the den door and stood back, expecting Damayanti to run out. She didn't.

"Now, sit cross-legged on the floor." Raghav did as Luṅgīvālā Raghav said, but Damayanti didn't come to him.

"Be patient," Luṅgīvālā Raghav advised. "She needs you to comfort her, just as much as you need to comfort her. Now that the door is open, she can trust you."

"I want my whisky," Raghav muttered. "I've waited for it all day."

"You were saying, about Siddhesh Dādā?" Luṅgīvālā Raghav reminded him.

"Siddhesh Sawant had the audacity to end a call with me. With Raghav Rao! I said that I would give whatever Pallavi wants from me, and he didn't even think about what I could do for her, or for him and Vahinī! 'We will always look after her. You take care of yourself,' he said! He meant that I'm on my own! I'm nobody to him, so he won't miss me! He ... he even said something about me in Marathi to my dog! He treats me like ..." Raghav got distracted when he felt Damayanti climbing into his lap.

"Like someone who intruded on the family where Pallavi didn't want him." Luṅgīvālā Raghav offered, as he sat down face-to-face with Raghav. Raghav recalled the first time he had seen Siddhesh, who had stood back while an indignant Pallavi told Raghav to leave Manasi's saṃgīta.

"He has forgotten that his own sister told him, I brought her safely home that night," Raghav retorted. "Maybe no one else, but Siddhesh Dādā should believe me when I say, I love Pallavi and I'm trying to change for her."

"Yes, Siddhesh Dādā heard what Pallavi said about you, but he also saw you shaking Vijay Deshmukh and shouting at him. Dādā and Vahinī both heard you accusing Pallavi of claiming an abortion to blackmail you. If a man spoke to Celli like that, if you thought he could be violent with her, would you forgive him?" Luṅgīvālā Raghav cupped Damayanti's face in both of his palms to reassure her, while Raghav stroked her back and haunches, trying not to be too forceful, although the thought of someone misbehaving with Kirti was unbearable.

"You thought, Siddhesh Dādā and Pavani Vahinī liked you, just because they smiled on video chat when Pallavi introduced you to them as her husband, and they asked you to take good care of her." Luṅgīvālā Raghav's tone was wistful; he was sorry he had known better. "What choice did they have? Pallavi was on her way to them, she was almost home, where she would have been safe from you, when you convinced her to give you thirty days in Mandar's name. Dādā and Vahinī had to act supportive, if they wanted Pallavi to ask them for help the next time you made her miserable."

"I thought, Siddhesh Dādā must be sincere, like Pallavi, because he raised her," Raghav said. "I thought he would give me a chance. Today, I found out that it's already game over for me. Celli hates me, Pallavi chose someone better, and I'm a danger to Damayanti. Nobody believes in me." Raghav lifted Damayanti off his lap and stood up.

"Tomorrow always means another chance." Luṅgīvālā Raghav took Damayanti into his lap, and Raghav turned around before he could reach the whisky. "And you are Raghav Rao. You create your own chances. Damayanti will learn to trust you because you accepted help from Mandar. You proved to Celli that you're willing to listen; someday, she won't think of anything hateful to say to you. And you fought the urge to get drunk, because you had to protect Pallavi from that recording. Believe in yourself. You've almost made it through the day. Don't get drunk now."

"How can someone so optimistic have such an inconsolable face?" Raghav wondered.

"I lost Pallavi today." Luṅgīvālā Raghav hugged Damayanti, and started to cry. "I love her, you know; she's my reason for living. I can't not think about her."

"Whisky helps," Raghav offered. "It'll warm us up; the memories won't hurt so bad, and then we'll stop thinking about what we can't have."

"No! I mean it literally," Luṅgīvālā Raghav sobbed, as Damayanti nuzzled his neck. "The way we think about Pallavi is why I exist in you. If you get so drunk that you forget about Pallavi, I won't be here until you sober up. We won't be able to cry as much as we have to, and we'll carry those tears over to tomorrow. How will that help?"

Jaya came into the den. "Raghav, it's time to give Damayanti her dinner and her insulin." She saw Raghav staring at the whisky, and said, "You inherited my taste for whisky. Shall we drink together sometime?"

"Amma?" Raghav knew that Amma and Nānna used to drink together, when they thought he was asleep like Kirti and Arjun, but he had never imagined himself drinking with Amma. His drinking habit had developed in the years after they parted ways, and although drunkenness had occasionally emboldened him to cry out to Amma, outside her house at night, he had never been bold enough when sober to get drunk while she was watching.

"Raghav, I am serious," Jaya smiled tenderly. "I wish you could enjoy drinking, the way I do. I used to drink with your Nānna when we were happy in each other's company, and it helped us to express our affection for each other. But I have never seen you happy or affectionate when you're drunk."

Raghav knew that what Amma said was true. "Amma, I drink because it helps me to deal with problems, like losing Pallavi today."

"I know," Jaya said. "Being drunk is your way of avoiding difficult decisions and blocking out painful memories. That is different from liking to drink as I do. When you are drunk, your pain doesn't go away; it comes out in hurtful words and actions that you can never take back, and you take stupid risks. You don't actually deal with your problems until you sober up, Raghav, and by then, it's often too late."

Raghav wanted to be drunk and let go of his guilt, but he remembered the anguish in Kirti's voice today, and her accusation that he could end someone's life when he was drunk, and not even know it. He could never take back what he had done to disappoint Celli, but if he didn't do it again, maybe someday she would believe in her Annayya. He had to try tonight, for Kirti's sake.

"Raghav, you may think that losing Pallavi is the end," Jaya said, "but remember, Satya-Nārāyaṇa gave us a sign today that your puṇya is for Pallavi's benefit and her puṇya is for your benefit. When you do what is right, Pallavi will be rewarded. So, promise me, Raghav, no more drinking for self-pity. From now on, you will drink only if you are able to enjoy it."

"All right, Amma." Raghav picked up Damayanti, and with Luṅgīvālā Raghav's hand on his shoulder, he followed Jaya downstairs.

At Farhad's parents' flat, Pallavi was helping Abbū with dinner while they waited for Ammī to return from teaching music lessons.

"Pallavi, beṭī, listen," Abbū said, "dinner is enjoyable when there are at least four people, right? It was better yesterday, when you and Farhad were with us, than the day before yesterday, for Rehana and me. When Farhad called to say that he's going to Vikarabad with Mandar, and they'll have dinner there, I thought, you may feel lonely. Would you like to ask a friend or two to join us, if they can?"

Pallavi thought about whom she could invite on short notice. Krishna was out of the question; Anuradha Aunty wouldn't allow her to eat with a Muslim family. Kirti? Pallavi wanted their friendship back, but Raghav was hurting, and he should have his sister with him tonight. Manasi? Pallavi remembered the warmth of Manasi's hug that morning, and missed talking to her, but with Mandar and Nikhil both out of town so soon after Mandar's return, dinner without Manasi too would be stressful for Āī, Bābā, and Kākā, and Amruta wouldn't like to be the only young person under their eyes. Whom else did Pallavi have in Hyderabad?

"Abbū, there's Akash, my friend Rashmi's brother. He came to meet me at the Satya-Nārāyaṇa pūjā this morning, but with so many people talking over each other, I couldn't inquire about him properly. Akash is on his own in Hyderabad, away from his family in Kolhapur, and I've never even invited him home for dinner."

"Call him right away," Abbū smiled. Soon, Ammī was home and they were having dinner with Akash.

"Akash, could you video call Rashmi for me?" Pallavi asked, seeing that the young man had almost eaten his fill. "I actually haven't talked to her since November of 2018. When Mandar went missing, I decided not to tell Rashmi right away; she was already grieving for Devayani. And by the time we found the body that was identified as Mandar, and I called Rashmi, she had changed her phone number. I should have asked you to put me in touch with Rashmi back in March, after we met at Manasi's sagāī, but with everything that happened next, I forgot. Why did Rashmi move to Bhopal? Did she find love again after Devayani?"

Akash nervously glanced at Ammī and Abbū, and didn't answer.

"Don't feel uncomfortable, beṭā," Ammī said. "We accept diversity; and by the way, our son Farhad is gay. Your sister Rashmi loved a girl named Devayani. What happened, my dear?"

"Devayani died in an accident," Pallavi said. "It was the week before my wedding to Mandar."

"Actually, Dīdī," Akash spoke up, "It wasn't an accident. Devayani Dī was attacked by that Yuvaraj ... but she survived."

"Yuvaraj Holkar?" Pallavi exclaimed, and as Akash's last word sank in, "Devayani is alive? She was my best friend! Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"Devayani Dī said, if Yuvaraj found out that she was alive, he would finish killing her," Akash explained, and turning to Abbū and Ammī, continued, "Yuvaraj had asked Rashmi Dī to be his girlfriend, and she had said no. He must have found out somehow that she was in a relationship with Devayani Dī. One night, he rear-ended Devayani Dī's scooter with his car, and left her lying on the road. Rashmi Dī found her and took her to the hospital, and they decided to shift together to Bhopal, where Devayani Dī's mother's family lives."

"I was already in Hyderabad when Devayani's father gave me the news of her death in a road accident," Pallavi recalled. "I was supposed to be having fun with Mandar before the wedding, but instead, I was grieving and Dādā and Vahinī were always with us to comfort me. I wish someone had told me the truth!"

"Dīdī, you know that Devayani Dī's father wasn't supportive," Akash said. "He let her go out with you because your friendship wasn't romantic; you were engaged to Mandar. If he had known that you used to leave her alone with Rashmi Dī, he would have forced her into conversion therapy for sure. Devayani Dī's father was away from Kolhapur when Yuvaraj attacked her, and when he managed to come home after a day or two, her mother told him that it was an accident and the body was already cremated. So, Bhargav Uncle thought he was telling you the truth. And everyone else wanted to let you get married in peace before telling you that Devayani Dī had been attacked. Then you called Rashmi Dī and left a message of condolences on her phone, and she asked our parents to wait until she and Devayani Dī were safely in Bhopal before telling you what really happened. And then we found out that Yuvaraj might be in Hyderabad, so we didn't want him to discover, from you or from anyone in your family, that Devayani Dī is alive."

Ammī's phone rang, and she turned on the speaker. "Farhad, beṭā, are you on your way home?" she asked.

"Why would Yuvaraj have been in Hyderabad?" Pallavi asked.

"Sorry, Ammī. Dr. Ramya, the lady who was like a mother to Mandar in Vikarabad, needs us to watch her house tonight," Farhad was saying. "We'll drive home tomorrow. Can you tell Pallavi Bhābhī? I mean, Pallavi jī."

"She's right here, Farhad," Ammī said. "You can talk to her yourself, or give the phone to Mandar." And Ammī held her phone out in front of Pallavi.

"When Devayani Dī told the police that Yuvaraj had been chasing her scooter before the collision, they questioned his parents and found out that he had gone to Hyderabad to meet someone named Ved Pillai," Akash was saying.

"Ved Pillai?" Farhad's voice came through the phone. "Who is this?"

"Farhad, this is Pallavi, and the voice you heard is our dinner guest, Akash Singh," Pallavi said. "You remember, Akash was sitting with Kirti and Amma at the pūjā this morning. Akash just told me that in the week before my wedding to Mandar, my best friend Devayani didn't die in an accident; she survived an attack by Yuvaraj Holkar, who then left Kolhapur for Hyderabad to meet Ved Pillai. Akash, you may not know, but right after Mandar was struck by Sunny Ahuja's car, Ved arrived there and saw Raghav taking Mandar to the hospital. Ved had escaped from prison, where he was serving a sentence for smuggling drugs."

"Rashmi Dī told me that Yuvaraj Holkar was rumoured to deal drugs," Akash said. "So, if he came to Hyderabad to meet Ved Pillai, it could mean that he was an accomplice in Ved's escape from prison. In Kolhapur, the police kept us informed that Ved had been caught and returned to prison, but they hadn't caught Yuvaraj. So, shortly after your wedding, I shifted to Hyderabad to try to find Yuvaraj myself."

"Did you ever find him?" Pallavi asked. "The police never came to ask me if Yuvaraj Holkar had contacted me. So, I went on thinking that Devayani died in an accident."

"Crimes against lesbian women and other sexual and gender minorities are often let go by police," Abbū commented. "That's why we need federal law to define hate crimes, so that resources from higher levels of law enforcement can be brought to the local level for victims who are routinely denied justice."

"No, Dīdī. I asked at parties where I worked as an electrician, especially if I suspected that drugs were being used. Nobody recognized Yuvaraj's photo. I thought my parents would have told you that Devayani Dī survived, and if Yuvaraj got in touch with you, you would call the police. We didn't know each other well in Kolhapur, so I didn't try to find you myself," Akash admitted.

"Pallavi jī, I am happy that your best friend is alive," Farhad said. "Mandar and Nikhil and I are still in Vikarabad. Mandar's Amma, Dr. Ramya, needs us to watch her house tonight while she is working in the emergency room. So, we will be back in Hyderabad tomorrow morning."

"All right, Farhad, take care, and please tell Mandar I will call him later tonight, after I catch up with my friends Devayani and Rashmi." Pallavi ended the call.

Mandar had pulled out some shirts and shorts from his baggage, and shared them with Nikhil and Farhad as sleepwear for the night. Nikhil had gone to sleep right away, on the living room couch downstairs, while it was decided that Farhad would take the guest room and Mandar would take Dr. Ramya's bedroom. Now, Farhad stood by the front-facing window, enjoying the slight breeze that rustled the curtains as he twisted from side to side, stretching his arms and legs. Behind him, Mandar emerged from the bathroom, having brushed his teeth and changed. The sight of his own clothes on Farhad gave Mandar an unfamiliar feeling: comfort and warmth, sharing himself with someone who understood him, a sense of being claimed and belonging - it felt right, this familiarity.

"I called my Ammī and spoke to Pallavi jī," Farhad said. "She just found out that her best friend Devayani didn't die. So, she is going to talk to her friends Devayani and Rashmi, and then call you."

Mandar remembered how Devayani's death had affected Pallavi before their wedding. He shuddered. "Thank you, Bāppā! Pallavi suffered needlessly when she heard that Devayani died, but at least she knows the truth now."

"I'm glad you said that, Mandar." Farhad knew that he couldn't avoid the subject anymore. "Pallavi jī is important to me. I don't want her to suffer needlessly, which will happen if you aren't honest with her about what you feel and don't feel. She deserves to know the truth, right?"

Mandar trembled. "Be faithful to Pallavi" - that was what he had told himself for years in conversion therapy. Now that Pallavi was a real person to him again, how could he be faithful to her if he was lying about his desires? But he wasn't going to act on those desires, so it would hurt Pallavi needlessly if he told her. He couldn't think straight, not with Farhad standing so close to him, wearing his clothes and giving him that tingling feeling.

"I can't talk to you right now, Farhad," Mandar blurted out. "Today my little brother told me that he did smuggling work for Raghav and went to jail. And you're Raghav's accomplice. I'm not in a good mood, so let's just go to sleep."

"All right, Mandar. Let me just say that I care about you too. I want you to be proud of your life. I've known Pallavi jī for months, and you for only three days, but you are very special. Good night, Mandar."

"Good night, Farhad."

Mandar waited for Pallavi's phone call, which came more than an hour later. He spoke to her only briefly because it was so late, and then slept, but the tingling feeling had possessed him.

Mandar dreamed of Farhad in his borrowed shirt and shorts ... the look in Farhad's shining, confident eyes as he said, "You are very special" in his soft voice ... the touch of Farhad's hands on his skin, Farhad's arms on his shoulders, Farhad's hands moving on his back ... that smile, knowing that he could make Farhad smile like that ... feeling safe and embraced ... how could they be this close? It wasn't real, but Mandar wanted it to be real!

Awareness of what his body had just done to him brought Mandar out of his dream. He had lost control; this was shameful; he had to clean himself right away! Mandar put both feet on the floor and stood up, still half-asleep, and stretching both hands in front, felt his way through the dark room and corridor to the bathroom door, and pushed his way in.

The lights were on, and Mandar blinked, trying to understand. In front of him was Farhad, who had just cleaned himself and was washing his underwear, while Mandar's borrowed shorts dangled from a hook on the wall. Farhad stood, surprised and exposed, to face Mandar.

"You had the dream too?" Mandar thought out loud, and stared, not quite awake.

"Sorry, the bolt squeaks, and I didn't want to wake you up," Farhad began, and then realized what Mandar had said. Despite the moral tension between them, it was Allāh's will that they were talking now, and Farhad might never speak from his heart otherwise.

"Yes, I dreamed of you, Mandar," Farhad said. "Maybe wearing your clothes ensured that this happened tonight, but it was going to happen sooner or later because I like you, Mandar. And I'm not surprised that you had the same experience tonight, because it was obvious this morning that you like me too."

Mandar, listening to Farhad and unable to deny the truth, knew that he was awake now, but it felt surreal to be standing like this, with his private thoughts just betrayed upon his body, in front of Farhad, who was wearing his shirt and nothing below it, and not to feel the shame that he was supposed to feel.

"What is it, Mandar?"

"I thought all Muslim men were ..." Mandar hesitated.

Farhad laughed. "My Ammī and Abbū did their research and decided that it wouldn't be good for me."

Mandar blushed. What had happened to him? Why was he asking such personal questions? When had his shame turned into excitement?