Chapter 12

alina.b

@alina.b

--- Suman’s POV continued---

Six months had passed since Shravan was suspended from the Kutch base. I was still working there but kept tabs on Shravan. After his suspension was lifted, he went to Tajikistan for a mission. I was worried for him but I trusted him to come back safely and carried on with my work. Recently, I checked again to see where Shravan was posted. I grew confused when I read his status as “Retired”. There must be a mistake. Shravan is young and at the peak of his military career. He is one of the most respected and diligent army officers. There is no reason for him to leave the army.  

I checked his status everyday but it was unchanged. I became worried and asked the Colonel if he had any information on Shravan since he was close to him. The Colonel sighed, “It’s true that Major Shravan Malhotra has retired from the army. I was also very shocked. I don’t have much information. But, some say that there was an accident in Tajikistan where Major Malhotra was injured. I guess his injuries were so severe that he had to retire from the army. I really hope that is not true. We have lost a talented officer”. My heart was palpitating and I felt scared. Accident? Injury? How badly was Shravan hurt that he had no choice but to leave the army? I need to find him. The Colonel promised me that he would find Shravan’s whereabouts.

Three days later, the Colonel called me to his office saying that he had an update on Shravan. I felt a rush of relief go through my body. I hadn’t slept in the past three days because I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Where was he? How badly was he hurt? The Colonel passed me a tiny slip with an address and said, “Major Shravan is being treated at this hospital in Mumbai but I was unable to get any information on his health”. I expressed my gratitude to him for helping me and requested two days off to go see Shravan.

I got to the hospital and an elderly nurse tapped my shoulder, “Do you remember me?” I looked carefully at her. I had seen her somewhere. She smiled, “We met in Ladakh when Major Shravan had a bullet wound”. I remembered that she was the nurse who had consoled me. “When I found out that Major Shravan was admitted at our hospital, I was wondering if I’d see you again”, she smiled warmly.

I took a deep breath, “Is he okay? Can I please see him?” 

Her smile faded, “He’s not the same person anymore. He refused to meet his family when they came here. He knows that the condition he is in...even families leave their loved ones”. I grew worried realizing that Shravan’s condition was a lot worse than I thought. The nurse said that she couldn’t give me more information on him unless he gave permission. I quietly waited as the nurse went to tell Shravan that I was here to meet him. The nurse returned and gently touched my shoulder, “I’m sorry, dear. He said he doesn’t want to meet you. I have to respect the patient’s decision”. 

I gripped the nurse’s arm and begged, “Please? Can I see him? Just for five minutes?” She said she would try talking to Shravan again. She came back with a big smile and told me that after a lot of convincing, he finally agreed to meet me. She smiled, “He must love you a lot since he didn’t even change his decision for his family”. She led me down a hallway and we stood before his door. She took my hands and said, “Promise me that your love for him won’t change after seeing him. He has been through a lot and neither of us can understand the pain he is going through. He’s a bit stubborn but, you already know that. He thinks he can fight this war alone but he needs love to bring him out of this darkness. He’s losing hope...be his light”. I nodded and tears rolled down my eyes realizing his situation was serious. 

I took a deep breath and slowly opened the door. He was sitting on the bed in a hospital gown looking out the window. His eyes were different. I have seen love, anger, and pain in his eyes but I’ve never seen this look before. His eyes were emotionless. I walked over to him and gently touched his shoulder. Without looking at me he asked in a flat voice, “Why are you here?” 

I whispered tearfully, “Why? Have I lost the right to worry for my best friend?” 

He laughed bitterly, “Everything has changed. I’m not the same Shravan you knew. Your Shravan is dead”. 

I turned his face and it immediately softened when our eyes met. He felt vulnerable as I looked into his eyes trying to understand why he was behaving this way. I touched his cheek and said, “The more you try to push me away, the closer I’ll come. I know my Shravan is still here but you’ve hidden him deep inside. Why are you doing this? It’s me...your Sumo”. 

He closed his eyes painfully and took a deep breath, “Move the blanket”. 

I was confused and slowly moved the blanket. I let out a loud gasp not believing that I saw before me. I clamped my mouth trying to suppress my cries. Shravan looked at me with tears and said with a broken voice, “See, I told you everything has changed. I’m not the same Shravan anymore”. His left leg had been amputated below his knee. I gently grazed my fingers over his bandaged stump trying to let this new reality sink in. He pushed my hand away and covered his leg with his blanket. He said, “Now, you know everything and have met me. Please, go away and don’t come back again”. I stood there frozen staring at him trying to hold back my cries. He closed his eyes and sighed, “Please, don’t look at me with pity...it makes me feel more helpless”. 

He misunderstood me. I didn’t look at him with pity but rather sadness knowing that he was enduring so much pain alone. I kissed his knuckles and whispered, “I can’t leave you...not now”. He looked up as my tears rolled down his arm. 

He yelled, “Please Sumo, just go! This is my fight and I have to do it alone. It’s not your responsibility to make me better. It’s on me to do that and not all fights can be won. I don’t want to drag you down into this darkness with me”. 

I held his face and said, “Remember, what you once said to me? That you’ll always care about me and no one could stop you from doing that. Not even me. Then, how can you take away my right to care about you?” He bit down on his lip trying to hold back his tears. I sighed, “I know, I can’t make you better. Only you can do that. But, I can hold your hand and walk with you through this darkness. I have enough fire in me to light up our path. You would have done the same for me”. His face softened because he knew that was the truth. If our situations had been reversed, he would have been by my side.

We heard a knock and the nurse walked in with paperwork. They wanted to assign me as Shravan’s guardian but only if he gave permission. I looked at Shravan and he hesitantly nodded allowing me to sign the paperwork. As I was filling it out, I paused at a question: Relationship to patient? 

Shravan looked at the question and whispered, “Friend. That’s one thing that’ll never change between us...our friendship”. He gave me a small smile and in that moment I promised to myself that I would never give up on him no matter how hard it gets. 

I met with Shravan’s doctors who explained to me his condition. In Tajikistan, workers were building a tunnel through a mountain when the vibrations of the machinery caused an avalanche to occur. The army was able to evacuate all the workers except one who was stuck deep inside the tunnel. No one was ready to risk their life except Shravan. He was able to rescue the worker but as they were leaving, there was an aftershock of the vibrations. Shravan pushed the worker away and the boulder fell on him crushing his leg. More rocks fell and blocked their path. It took two days to find Shravan and unfortunately the worker he tried to rescue had passed away. 

Shravan’s psychologist sighed, “This accident has taken a toll on his mental health. He is suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). He is depressed and losing motivation. Which is expected in a situation like this where a young, talented army officer suddenly loses everything he worked for in his life.”

His physical therapist spoke up, “Because of this he’s not trying hard enough to recover. He knows he will never be the same so he thinks it’s not even worth trying. We are trying to get him to start physical therapy with his new prosthetic leg and improve his strength in the other leg but he is so stubborn. He doesn’t understand that his condition will only deteriorate and he will become wheelchair bound if he doesn’t cooperate”. 

I sat there quietly trying to take in everything. I requested the army to give me three months off but they refused. So, I proposed that in return I would not take a single day off in the next five years. After lots of convincing, they reluctantly agreed. I know I am not a doctor nor do I have any magical powers to make Shravan better. But, I would spend these three months standing next to him, motivating him, and helping him get used to his new life. 

It wasn’t easy. There were times when Shravan was really stubborn and it became hard to love him but I promised that I wouldn’t give up on him. Initially, he wouldn’t agree for his prosthetic leg and to undergo physical therapy. But, after much convincing, he finally agreed. All the doctors and nurses praised me as they said that I was the only person who could make him understand. 

The first day of physical therapy was tough. Shravan sat on the bed looking down as the physical therapist told him to stand. This was the first time he would stand on his new leg. He trembled and shook his head, “I...I can’t do this”. 

I put my hand out in front of him and whispered, “You can do this. I know you can. You are still the same Shravan who never backs down”. He looked at me hesitantly and clutched my hand. He set down one shaky foot and stood up. He looked really nervous as he tried to take his first step. He took three steps before his knees gave out and he almost fell but I caught him. My heart sank when I saw his discouraged eyes. Afterwards, he was very agitated. I rubbed his shoulder and said, “It’s okay. It’s only the first day”. 

He raised his eyebrow, “It’s okay? Easy for you to say! You don’t understand anything! I have no purpose in life anymore. I was thrown out of the army because I’m useless now”. He pushed me away with force and I fell hitting my head on the table. His face suddenly changed as he saw me fall. I hissed in pain and rubbed my head. He yelled out, “Sumo!” and tried to get up but stopped when he looked down at his legs. Just then, the nurse walked in and helped me get up. She looked at my forehead and ran to get first aid. I touched my forehead and saw blood on my fingers. Shravan looked horrified and full of guilt. 

After I got first aid, Shravan gently touched my bandage and tearfully said, “I did that to you. I’m a monster. You should have left, Sumo. I don’t want to hurt you again”. 

I couldn’t hold myself back seeing his tears and hugged him. “No, Shravan. Don’t say that. You’re not a monster. You didn’t do it on purpose”. He moved back and repeated that I should leave because he was scared to hurt me again. I sighed, “You want me to leave? Then, get better first. I’ll leave the day you are better”. 

He looked into my eyes and whispered, “Punish me...for hurting you”. 

I rested my forehead against his and whispered back, “Your punishment is that you will work hard and listen to the doctors. No more arguing and fighting back. One more thing, You have a reason to live”. He nodded and something in his eyes changed that day. 

As weeks went by, Shravan improved dramatically and even the doctors were shocked by his progress. He was still weak but he was trying his best and that’s what mattered the most. He started having less outbursts and nightmares but he still wouldn’t talk about the accident. I decided that I wouldn’t ask him until he talked about it himself.

One evening, Shravan and I were sitting together solving a puzzle. We had music playing softly in the background as we argued over the correct answer. I giggled, “Shravan, that’s not a real word”. 

He pouted and pulled out his phone to look it up. He pointed excitedly, “See! It is a real word!” I smiled thinking to myself that my old Shravan was slowly coming back. Just then, the song changed and “A Thousand Years” started playing. Shravan looked at me with a sad smile and asked, “You still listen to this song?” 

I nodded and said, “Of course, there are special memories of a special person attached to this song”. He smiled to himself as he reminisced our moments together. I stood up and outstretched both my hands in front of him. I took a deep breath and asked, “Can I have this dance?” He hesitantly shook his head. I requested again, “Please? Just once?” He bit down on his lip and I took his hands into mine. I pulled him up and securely wrapped my arms around his waist to make sure he didn’t lose his balance.

We looked into each other's eyes as we slowly danced in place. Shravan instinctively pulled me closer and leaned on me. He was getting tired but he wanted to dance longer. I felt hot tears fall on my shoulder and I tightly clutched onto him. I rubbed his back and said with a broken voice, “Everything will be better, Shravan. Don’t lose hope. Look at how much you’ve improved”. I felt tears forming in my eyes because I knew he wasn’t crying about his condition but rather the irony of the situation. Neither of us said it outloud, but we were both comparing this moment to our evening under the gazebo. It’s funny how everything had changed yet nothing had changed at all. We had imagined our future together differently. But, I wasn’t sad because at least in this moment we were together.

I was losing control over myself as I felt his hot tears streaming down my shoulder. I pulled back and held his face. I wiped his tears and slowly leaned in to kiss but suddenly he turned his face away. He sat back down and I looked away feeling embarrassed realizing what I almost did. He looked down and said, “I’m sorry...we can’t...that day when Anish insulted our relationship...no one can understand what we have together. It’s something so pure and beautiful and I don't want to taint it. I don’t want anyone to ever raise a finger at our relationship again and disrespect it. I know in Ladakh we...but things are different now. You’re still married and I’m engaged. I hope you understand what I’m trying to say”. 

I whispered, “I’m sorry” and quickly turned to leave but he caught my hand. 

He pulled me back and said, “Don’t apologize. It was in the heat of the moment. Please, stay...I don’t like being alone”. I sat back down awkwardly afraid to look at him. He nudged me and smiled, “It’s okay, not a big deal. Nothing to feel embarrassed about”. I sat quietly and he decided to change the topic. He sighed, “I’ve become so selfish. Ever since you came to Mumbai, everything has been about me. Let’s talk about you. How have you been? How is work in Kutch? How is Sagar?”

I smiled, “I’m okay. Everything in Kutch is okay too. The case we were working on about the kidnapping was resolved. Sagar is doing fine”. 

“Can I see his birthday pictures?” I nodded and we scrolled through the pictures together. Shravan had a big smile and asked, “Have you visited him yet?” I shook my head. I spent all my time with Shravan. His face changed and he asked, “Sumo, how did you get leave for three months? The army would never permit that”.

I gulped knowing that he would get upset if he knew the truth. I whispered, “I promised that in return that I wouldn’t take a single day off in the next five years”. 

Shravan’s eyes grew wide, “Sumo, how can you do that? You have a baby...you’re going to miss his whole childhood. I don’t want to be the reason you are separated from your son”. 

I rolled my eyes, “I’m posted in Bhopal most of the time and live at home so I can be with Sagar. This just means that I won’t take any holidays. It doesn’t mean that I’ll be separated from my son”. 

More weeks passed by and Shravan was doing much better. He was getting closer to being discharged. I walked into his room and handed him a newspaper with a big smile. He read the headline outloud, “Deceased Businessman Devraj Malhotra Proven Innocent in Court Regarding Bulletproof Vest Accident”. Tears of joy formed in his eyes and I nudged him to read further. He continued reading, “Devraj Malhotra is survived by his son, Major Shravan Malhotra, a prestigious Indian Army Officer well-known for his bravery and dedication to the country…” He clutched the newspaper to his chest and broke down crying. He dreamt about this day for years. 

I hugged him and said, “Congratulations, Shravan. Uncle would be so proud of you today. No one will ever call you traitor’s son again. Rather, people will remember Uncle as the father of a diligent army officer”. 

I handed him a casserole dish and excitedly said, “Open it! It’s a surprise for you”. He gave me an amused look and opened the dish. His eyes grew wide like an excited kid. “No way! You made mawa jalebi for me? I haven’t had this in years! Thank you so much, Sumo!”

I giggled, “Well, it’s definitely an occasion to celebrate so I had to make something sweet. I made it for the first time so sorry in advance if it isn’t good”. 

He gave me a soft smile and said, “You made it...then it will be good for sure”. He handed me a jalebi and we ate it together. I felt like my heart would burst seeing him so happy. My old Shravan was back. 

I put my arm around his neck and said, “Today is about to get even better! I have two more surprises for you! You have an hour to get ready. We are having a picnic at the beach today. I got permission from the hospital to take you out”. 

Shravan laughed, “The beach? Let’s go! I’m excited! What’s the fourth surprise?” 

I patted his cheek and smirked, “Umm...you will have to wait for that”. An hour later, I walked into Shravan’s room with his surprise. I was really nervous but excited at the same time. I giggled, “Shravan meet Sagar. He’s visiting for the weekend”. Shravan stood there with a dreamy look on his face as he looked at Sagar who tried to reach out to him. I gently handed Sagar over to Shravan. 

Shravan looked at me with panicked eyes and said, “Take him back! He’s moving too much. What if I drop him?” 

I giggled, “You won’t drop him. He’s a baby not a grenade”. Sagar was usually a shy baby but he seemed so comfortable with Shravan as if he was someone familiar. 

The warm air blew around us as we made sand castles and moats. As we were building a castle for Sagar, my hand touched Shravan’s hand and we both looked up at each other. We broke eye contact as Sagar grabbed sand to eat and Shravan held his hand. “No, Sagar! That’s not food”. I sat there adoring the two most important boys in my life. Suddenly, Sagar stood up and took a few steps towards Shravan and fell onto him. Shravan fell back into the sand pretending like Sagar pushed him down. I stared in awe as they both giggled together. 

I clapped excitedly, “Shravan...that was his first step!” I had been worried because Sagar had already turned one but hadn’t started walking yet. Shravan started praising Sagar in a high-pitched baby voice. I covered my mouth to stop my laughter. Shravan gave me a confused look. I giggled, “I never thought I’d hear you talk like that”. He looked down and blushed. I brushed the sand off of both of them and said, “Come on, let’s eat some food”. 

Shravan ate the food and looked at me with big eyes, “Where did you learn how to cook like this? This is so delicious”. I was a surprised that Shravan liked the food so much because Anish hated my cooking. After eating, Shravan and I held Sagar’s hand and we stood by the ocean feeling the waves tickle our feet. Suddenly, Shravan splashed water at me and I splashed it back at him and we broke out in laughter. I pulled my camera out and took a picture of the three of us as I wanted to capture this moment forever. Shravan and I exchanged smiles and neither of us wanted this day to end. 

We took a cab back to the hospital and Sagar had fallen asleep in Shravan’s arms. I was surprised to see how close they had become in just a few hours. Shravan gazed at Sagar fondly and said, “I wish you were mine”. I looked at Shravan with shock as he didn’t realize what he had said out loud. I rested my head on Shravan’s shoulder as I was feeling tired after a long day. He put his arm around me and pulled me close. There was an odd serenity in his embrace that even words cannot explain. He felt like home. Soon, I dozed off into his arms. 

It was the day before Shravan’s discharge. He didn’t notice that I walked into his room as he continued staring at the sunrise with a smile. I snapped my fingers in front of his face and he broke out of his daze. He gave me a warm smile and said, “Oh! You’re here early today”. I nodded. I came early because I was trying to savor these last few days with him as I would head back to the Army soon. Three months flew by so fast. He held my hands and said, “These months were the most difficult yet beautiful moments of my life. I don’t know where to begin...I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for me. 

I covered his lips and whispered, “I didn’t do anything. It’s all your hard work that you are better today. Thank your doctors and nurses who treated you”. 

He laced one arm around my waist and pulled me close. He rested his forehead against mine and whispered, “You gave me hope and made me realize that I still had a reason to live. You stood by me when I hit rock-bottom even when I told you to go away”.

I rested my palm on his chest and said, “You would’ve done the same for me. Please don’t insult me by calling this a favor”. 

He pulled me closer and rested his cheek on my temple. He took a deep breath and said, “I was lying inside that tunnel thinking I was going to die. I wasn’t afraid of death but rather of the thought of what would happen to you if you heard I was no more”. I clutched his shirt tightly as the mere thought of losing him made me anxious. He continued talking, “In that moment, I had only one regret...not hugging you back when I left Kutch. That could have been our last meeting”. I buried my face in his neck trying to hide my tears. He caressed my back and said, “But, destiny decided that I would live and that we would meet again. You’re the reason I am here today and now I want to live. I promise you that I will find my new purpose in life. I won’t let your hard work go to waste, Sumo”. I was so moved by his words. He pulled back and wiped my tears away. I wrapped my arms around him and he deepened the hug. 

We were so lost in each other’s embrace that we didn’t notice that someone had walked into our room. The person cleared her throat loudly and we quickly moved away. It was Kavita Aunty and she had come to take Shravan to Vrindavan with her. The three of us talked and packed Shravan’s stuff all day. I was happy that he would finally start his new life but I would miss the moments we spent together in these past three months.

The nurse brought in Shravan’s dinner and Aunty turned to me and said, “Well, he has his dinner. How about we go out and have a girls only dinner?” I smiled and nodded. 

Shravan pouted, “I eat here all the time. I want to go with you two also!” 

Aunty laughed, “Nope! Girls only!” I smiled seeing how Aunty was still the same. She was always warm and kind. As I was leaving, I set out Shravan’s medicines and he gave me a soft smile. This would be a hard habit to get rid of.

Aunty and I went to a restaurant nearby and as we were waiting for our food she touched my hand. “Suman, I can never repay you for what you did for Shravan”. 

I smiled and squeezed her hand, “Please don’t say that. He’s my friend and I would do anything for him”. 

Aunty’s voice changed, “Good, keep it as that”. I looked up confused as to what she meant. She sighed, “Suman, don’t get me wrong. You are a very nice girl and there was a time when I imagined you as my future daughter-in-law. But, everything has changed. Your relationship with Shravan can never be anything more than friends”. 

I knit my eyebrows together and stuttered, “Aunty, do you think I did all this to get close to Shravan?” 

She looked away and said, “I don’t know what intention you came with. I heard you introduced your son to Shravan. I know what you are trying to do. I know you are getting a divorce and you are thinking about your future. But, Shravan is still engaged to Naina, my friend’s daughter. Knowing this, how could you imagine a life with him? Even, you are still married. He just got rid of the tag of a traitor’s son now do you want him to live with the tag of a homebreaker? A lover of a married woman?” 

My lip quivered and I stammered, “Aunty it’s not like that. That wasn’t my intention-”

She cut me off. She rested her hand on mine and said, “I appreciate what you did for Shravan and I will buy you the most expensive necklace or flat in return but promise me you’ll stay away from my Shravan. I know I sound very selfish right now, but he is my only son and I want him to be happy. You are also a mother, I know you can understand”. 

I whispered, “Will he be happy without me?” 

She snidely replied, “You were the reason for his sadness. You like other people taunted his father and he...then you made promises of love to Shravan only to break his heart and marry another man. He can only be happy if you stay away from him and don’t cause him any more pain”. 

I felt like someone stabbed my heart. I know I have caused a lot of pain to Shravan but I’ve always wanted him to be happy. I don’t want his life to be any more miserable because of me. I took a deep breath and said, “I’ll never see him again. I don’t want anything in return. But, what if he comes looking for me?”

Our food came but I didn’t feel hungry anymore. Aunty bit into her food and said, “That won’t happen. I will get Shravan and Naina married soon as possible. He didn’t make any promise of marrying you, right?” 

I shook my head. I wiped my tears and said, “Tomorrow when he discharges, I will give him my best wishes from the bottom of my heart. I want him to always be happy”. 

Aunty stopped eating and looked up. “I don’t think you should see him tomorrow. The more he sees you, the more he will be attached to you. Besides, Naina is coming tomorrow and she is a doctor. She can take good care of him. I will tell him you got an urgent call from the army and had to leave”. 

Tears formed in my eyes, “I can’t even say goodbye to him one last time?” 

Her face softened, “You can write him a letter. I will give it to him. In that letter, don’t write anything that would change his mind from marrying Naina. Also, mention that you are getting back with your husband and giving your marriage a second chance”. 

I was shocked at her request. “You want me to lie to him?”

She sighed, “From what I saw this morning, you two are still in love with each other. This is the only way he will move on. If you can, encourage his marriage with Naina in your letter. He will listen to you”. 

I returned to my hotel and fell onto my bed like a lifeless body. My mind was numb. Was I really the cause for all the misery in his life? Aunty’s words echoed in my head and I couldn’t stop sobbing. I wanted to see him one last time but I had already promised her. I penned down a letter for him with a shaky hand:

My Dearest Shravan,

Remember the promise you made to me? You won’t let my hard work go to waste and you will find your purpose in life again. Promise me, that you will always be happy and will move on from your past. Life has given you a second chance. I am sorry that after spending three months with you, I can’t be with you on your day of discharge. Unfortunately, the army called me early for some urgent work. I was thinking about the right time to tell you but I made a decision. I want to give my marriage a second chance, for Sagar. He deserves a complete family. I also wish you the best for your married life with Naina. She is a very nice girl and you are lucky to have her. Always treat her with love and respect. I hope you two will always be happy together. 

I am sorry for all the pain I gave you in this lifetime. But, the truth is I’ve always wanted you to be happy. No matter who you are with or where you are in the world, I will always love you. Our love is the eternal kind that will live on long after we are gone. It’s unfortunate that destiny never meant for us to be together but it won’t stop me from loving you with all my heart. 

Yours truly,

Sumo

I paused and used whiteout over the second paragraph and took it out of the letter as I promised Aunty I would not confess my love to him. Shravan will never see what I wrote for the second paragraph but I knew that deep inside he already knew because he felt the same way.

The next morning, I met Aunty outside the hospital and handed her the letter. She opened the letter to read it to make sure I didn’t write anything that I wasn’t supposed to. She saw the whiteout area and drew designs on it with her pen. She looked up, “This is so he doesn’t get curious to know what you wrote before you erased it”. 

She turned to leave and I caught her arm. I whispered, “Please? Just one last time?”

She shrugged my hand off and sternly said, “Goodbye Suman. Thank you for your help”. 

I stood there silently watching her leave. Once again, Shravan and I were so close yet so far. Destiny made a joke out of us again. I called a cab and boarded my train leaving my Shravan behind but I took his memories with me that I would cherish forever.