SS: Before him

There is a special kind of shame that engulfs your being when you realize the man you love does not know you exist. True that he greets you good morning every sun up but has really ever noticed you? The answer is a resounding no. He passes by you. No, through you. Like he doesn't realize you also take up space.

In this country that drinks poor man blood for breakfast, your dreams are dead before they are born. You are rich or you are nothing. And you, you are nothing. But he, he is the sun and shining stars. You bask in his light hoping not to get burned. But you went to far. You got burned.

By the sparkle in his eyes, you could tell he had liked something about you that one fateful day. His gaze lingered a little too long at the dip of your blouse where you pallu did the thankless job of covering your bosom. Perhaps he could see the sweat building on thin cotton cloth so you hastily tugged on shoulder trying to hide your embarrassment. And yet he lingered like he had his eye on a possession. You grew uncomfortable, then warm somewhere deep inside and twitched in place. His fingers slowly came around the slit of flesh visible where your blouse ended and your petticoat began. He pulled you in until your where touching his muscled chest. What was happening?

"Naam?" he whispered in that husky voice you dreamed would caress you in your sleep.

"Naina, malik", you tripped on your words and berated yourself for fumbling in front of this magnificence of a man.

"Kaam kya karti ho?" he asked more incessantly.

"Aap jo hukum dein malik".

He grew irritated with your answer and you wanted to take every word back. You wanted to erase that frown marring his beauty. You didn't know what you said wrong but you were so sorry you ever did. You wished the ground could open up and take you with it. You wished were not born a servant. You wished you were worthy. But you weren't. You wished. You wished. You only wished.

"Saaf safayi?" he asked as he let you out of his hold. You felt his absence already but did not make a move. Finally, he sighed awaiting an answer and you nodded in response.

Fat, ugly tears rolled one by one down your face. You could never have this dream. You were not worthy.

"Boyfriend?" he questioned. Like a spring flower, hope blossomed. Maybe, just maybe.

"Nahi malik"

"Sameer. Call me by my name Naina".

"Sameer", you said like it was a word to sacred to spoken aloud.

His finger traced the contours of your face. With every touch, he lit a fire under your skin. He slowly skimmed under your clothes and freed more of you from the pleats of your sari. He didn't know you were seduced long before he began. He didn't have to ask. You had already given your self over many moons ago. You were made for this. Made for this man and he for you.

You surrendered in his embrace as he took you in. That night would be beginning of the end for the life you knew before him.