Discussion_Indian serials & Indian values - Page 3

Originally posted by: Caryn

In their syndrome of "what other people say?" my parents, also
drag us down with rules and the norms of society. (though who
made such a rule, I will never know. If I do, I will shoot them 😡 )
Sometimes, we rebel, other times, we abide to our parents wishes,
just because we don't want to hurt their feelings.

Exactly Caryn YOU give in because YOU do not want
to hurt your parents - Hurting your parents hurts you and so u
want to avoid that displeasure, right???

With regard to others, who are more worried about "what will
people around me will say?" - well it is again their choice. Wagging
tongues can not be stopped, we should learn to choose the best for
ourselves. The same person might decide to ignore comments from
people around if the situation is a question of life and death -
again priorities differ.There is nothing general in this - case specific,
situation specific only. My contention is that please do not drag
tradition/customs in to this  - not that I plead for  traditions, it is
just that I do not believe in passing the blame

Originally posted by: rojapoooo

Exactly Caryn YOU give in because YOU do not want
to hurt your parents - Hurting your parents hurts you and so u
want to avoid that displeasure, right???

With regard to others, who are more worried about "what will
people around me will say?" - well it is again their choice. Wagging
tongues can not be stopped, we should learn to choose the best for
ourselves. The same person might decide to ignore comments from
people around if the situation is a question of life and death -
again priorities differ.There is nothing general in this - case specific,
situation specific only. My contention is that please do not drag
tradition/customs in to this  - not that I plead for  traditions, it is
just that I do not believe in passing the blame

Roja, the situation is not always so simple as choosing one or the other course of action. Making certain decisions because you do not want to hurt your parents is one thing but in the process you often suffer a lot more than your parents would have done. I am sure in situations such as these the individual in question would wonder whether his/her parents could have been a bit more open-minded and less tradition-bound.

I am not sure whether we are discussing traditional ways or the right to choose one's way of life here. However, I am of the old school, even if I have been living in this country for the greater part of my life and have accepted major changes in my way of thinking. I still find it hard to accept living together before marriage, and I have seen marriages in which the couples lived together, for as long as six and eight years, break up within a few years of the official tying of the knot. I have also seen a couple who have been together for sixteen years and see no reason to change the status quo. I do not know how to refer to the partner(s) in this case, is he or she a boyfriend or girlfriend, or partner, or just common-law husband or wife? The word common itself tells me what it is - common, not precious, as a wedded relationship should be. I am friends with one such person, but I feel very uncomfortable when I am around her and her partner(??).

Cheating one's spouse is something that I cannot accept, either. I am sorry to sound so vehement, but I am just too old to change. I keep my mouth shut, though, because engaging in discussions is something that I think is pointless. People who strongly believe in their viewpoint will only consider me to be an interfering old woman, so I may as well keep quiet. I think it is time I closed my mouth here, too. I apologize if anyone is hurt by any words of mine.

Originally posted by: Bonheur

question would wonder whether his/her parents could have been a
bit more open-minded and less tradition-bound.

Beats me!!!  why this expectations??? it is always for the
others to do this this this??? are we not responsible for our
actions?? and what if the other side expects to be convinced??
the parents expecting children to explain things to them and
educate them?? is it not mutual??? and in all this , where is the
question of tradition/customs???

Roja, most older generation parents think they know best what's good and what isn't for their children. And they expect children to revere them. Explaining things to them and trying to educate them just won't work; they are usually not inclined to listen to their children. I could try reasoning out with my dad to some extent as he was orphaned by the time he was 1, was brought up briefly by his grandmother and then tossed from one relative to another. He therefore grew up with an independent streak and with few of the hangups typical of Indians. Consequently, he was open-minded and I could communicate with him to some extent. But not so with my mother, who was sheltered by her parents and fed with many of the wrong kinds of values. Edited by Bonheur - 16 years ago

Bon, I am not refuting any of your statements/
arguments - it is just that we are ready to
hide behind " they won't listen, it is futile
explaining" - If one is keen about getting/doing
some thing, it gets done by hook or crook. Just
the question of how much one wants it!! And where
is tradition/customs in this??? values differ from
family to family, community to community, religion to
religion - finally it boils down to the individual.

It is important to have cultures and tradition. But, I always feel that the rules in tradition/culture were created to conform people to follow such a such logic and at the expense of others.

During our parents time, it sounds logic but now to us it is not logic. Sorry this is my view.

One good example, my grandma is dead for nearly 20 years, and without fail every year we perform anthirity (thevasam?) for her. Now according to hinduism, dead people get reincarnated right. Then according to the adults, for every year you do the ceremony, your dead loved one will move 1 step to heaven. So my question is when does the dead person reach heaven? How many thevasams we have to do before we stop? Answer? - No one knows. Then in case the dead person is reincarnaed already, as another human, aren't we doing thevasam for a live person now? Is this correct?

So when we start questioning all these, we were told off for asking silly questions. Or accused of deviating from our culture/religion/tradition.   Either way we don't win or rather I don't win. Because end of the day the chains of love binds me to close my eyes.
But the only conclusion I can give is, these ideas were created by the priests long time ago in order to earn money/goods etc.

However, the Punjabis do their prayers for their dead ones during the 1st year, 3rd year and 5th year. Then they stop.

There is no proper guidance for hindus. Not many Indians in malaysia knows details about B/gita. Whatever they know, it is from t.v./media. You would note that many Indians of different religions do not bound to tradition/culture except us hindus. I am not saying what we are doing is wrong. But logic is needed when you feed information to younger generation.

My 8 years old nephew is demanding that we show him God in live instead of in photos. If we use dialogue like thune lleyem iruppar.... he gives us a weird look like we are lunatics. 😃 Seriously

So my thoughts have changed over the years. I follow my heart. If I feel the tradition and the culture is right for me, I will follow it.

Eljay, I used to be like you, seeing everything as black and white. I wonder why people having affairs and looked down at them. Until, a friend of mine, sat down in front of me and crying her heart out. While I do not condone what she is doing is right/wrong, but I have more understanding of the situation.

Like I said, over the years as I grow older, and mix with other people/races, I have a better understanding.

Roja, how can "it boils down to the individual" when "the chain of love" is tightly bound. You cannot get away from it no matter how much you try. You can be married or single but you are still bounded one way or the other. Unless, you stay away from home - that too miles and miles away. 😊 Edited by Caryn - 16 years ago

Caryn, the chain of love is in tact only because
the individual does not want to break it. For the sake
of love, an individual is ready to suffer personally -
to a certain extent - that is what I have been saying.
I respect traditions/values/customs - my take is that
once we take a decision - either way - let us not crib
about it, let us own responsibility. For eg, you throw
away your favourite dress just because some one whom
u respect/love does not like it - fine, but cribbing about it later as if u are not responsible in any way and u were made to do it - is what I can not understand /
appreciate!!! And, where ever u are - far away from loved ones or in close proximity - your mind is the same. Doing some thing unacceptable to some one whom u respect just because u are far away/they do not get to see what u do amounts to cheating? falsehood?? believe me, our own conscience will torment us!!!

Wonderful discussion going on here. I will bring in a situation here, i have no clue how to advise my friend since i am not married, but i am sure that many many married women go thorugh this and cant talk about it outside.

A friend of mine came to me a few weeks back and completely broke down. She has been married for almost 10 years and wonderful kids, wonderful inlaws, good money, nice jobs, big house....for an outsider its a perfect marriage and life.

But the hubby wants to have a physical ....(u know what i mean) almost every other day....even when she is not ready for it. There is no physical abuse or anything...but she is forced! If she doesnt agree...then husband does not talk to her. During one of those fights ...if they have a visitor or if they visit someone.,...he does act as if there is no problem between them. Its an emotional torture for her.
She says she has tried explaining to him that things change as you grow and a womans body cant respond the same way as he demands....blah blah. According to him she is not romantic lately and is acting like a senior citizen...because she refuses...what crap!
He spent a lot of money for her birthday and got her expensive gifts .....thinkignt that will change her....my friend is now offended that her husband is trying to kind of "BUY IT". Even more the reason she has mentally drifted from him.....she now totally detests his touch even. But she realized that this issue between was taking a toll on their family time so he she has resorted to acceptance and gives in to her husbands demands even though "getting into the bedroom totally creeps her out".

When she told me all this.....i really did not know what to say. Its easy for me to say that she has to fight back... i have no clue as to how to advise her!!!

Originally posted by: madumithas

Wonderful discussion going on here. I will bring in a situation here, i have no clue how to advise my friend since i am not married, but i am sure that many many married women go thorugh this and cant talk about it outside. Well, Im not married myself, but let me see what advise I can give you. 😃

A friend of mine came to me a few weeks back and completely broke down. She has been married for almost 10 years and wonderful kids, wonderful inlaws, good money, nice jobs, big house....for an outsider its a perfect marriage and life. Awww, thats a typical family for an outsider, and yes I can understand there could be problems from the inside family pressure.

But the hubby wants to have a physical ....(u know what i mean) almost every other day....even when she is not ready for it. There is no physical abuse or anything...but she is forced! If she doesnt agree...then husband does not talk to her. During one of those fights ...if they have a visitor or if they visit someone.,...he does act as if there is no problem between them. Its an emotional torture for her.

Right, now, Hubby wants to get ahemm almost every other day and shes not ready. Well, my advise well, i got this through these chat shows. Well, is for her to speak to him and explain why she is not ready and tell him not to be physical. If not is for them to go through some counciling. Otherwise, this is going to be a quite tough to do is for them to separate for a little while until she gets some space and go through some counciling separately.

She says she has tried explaining to him that things change as you grow and a womans body cant respond the same way as he demands....blah blah. According to him she is not romantic lately and is acting like a senior citizen...because she refuses...what crap!

Yes Madhu 'what crap' acting a senior citzen, well he is one advise for the young lad, shes not ready and dont force them otherwise, shes going to suffer more through your pressure. Frankly, hes the senior citzen because hes demanding her to do this not her.

He spent a lot of money for her birthday and got her expensive gifts .....thinkignt that will change her....my friend is now offended that her husband is trying to kind of "BUY IT". Even more the reason she has mentally drifted from him.....she now totally detests his touch even. But she realized that this issue between was taking a toll on their family time so he she has resorted to acceptance and gives in to her husbands demands even though "getting into the bedroom totally creeps her out".

Well, her weakness is allowing him to buy expensive gifts in order to do the thing. Actually, recieving expensive gifts from your loved one aint a problem but then in order to relative this for the physical matter aint good. Therefore, she must avoid this from happening.

When she told me all this.....i really did not know what to say. Its easy for me to say that she has to fight back... i have no clue as to how to advise her!!!  Madhu, hopefully my advise in blue will help you. 😳 Tell us how it goes.